Twas a few weeks before Christmas when all through my office, the coworkers at my dead-end job decided to throw their annual Christmas party. Except this year, I was determined that none of them would live to celebrate the stupid festive season at all. In fact, I’d been thinking about how I was going to pull off mass murder for some time now, and our Christmas party was what finally switched on that lightbulb in my head. But we’ll get to that in a moment. I need to plead my case so you don’t think I’m a complete psychopath for what I’m about to tell you.
After two years of constant bullcrap, I was fed up. I was sick and tired of being treated no better than a rat. Between endless coffee orders, picking up dry cleaning, disgruntled customer service calls, and cleaning up atomic explosions in the breakroom microwave, I was just about on the edge of snapping. And then I got an email from the overly peppy receptionist they had just hired about a month ago. The crippling depression from working at this company still hadn’t set in yet. Bless her heart…
Hey office fam!
I was told it was time to send out the annual office Christmas party email, so here are all the deets!
Please join us for dinner this Thursday, December 7th, 2023 at 6:00 PM . This event will take place at Sonny Wilson’s Steak Room, so please dress in formal attire. Instead of a gift exchange this year, with the permission of Dr. Jameson, I’ve decided to spice things up! Please bring a batch of cookies to exchange with everyone in attendance. At the end of the night, we should all leave with an assorted box of delicious goodies!
Please RSVP to the Google invite ASAP. Reservations will need to be made, so I need a headcount by the close of the day if at all possible! Happy Holidays & an even happier New Year! Per Dr. Jameson, please remember that the office will be closed December 20th - January 2nd to spend this delightful holiday season with our families! Be sure to thank him for his ample generosity by contributing to the gift basket that we will be presenting to him at the party.
Thanks!
Talia Freeman
I was about to respond to another email when I heard the sound of a throat being cleared behind me. I know it sounds silly to know exactly who a person is based off of such an insignificant action, but I knew exactly who it was, and he was the last thing I wanted to deal with right now.
“Chrissy, could you clean up the microwave in the breakroom? I just cooked a can of raviolis, and it exploded all over the place. Looks like a crime scene in there!”
A sigh blew past my lips as I fought the urge to stab the person who was the constant culprit of this issue with the letter opener sitting on my desk.
“Dr. Dawson, I’ve told you this before, but I’ll remind you again. This is something that housekeeping does.”
“Are you being short with me?”
My fingers pinched the bridge of my nose as I turned in my chair to face the man. He looked like the epitome of daddy’s money, and in a way, he was. Ever since he stepped foot into this office, Dr. Jameson had taken him under his wing as if he was his son. So, despite how badly I wanted to let my intrusive thoughts win, I pasted on a fake smile and stood from my chair.
“No, I’m not. I’ll go work on cleaning that microwave right now.”
“That’s what I thought.” The smirk that curled at his lip made the anger simmering within me almost bubble over into a boil.
“Excuse me?” With a turn of my heel, I whipped around to face him.
“You heard me.” He chuckled. “In fact, you would make a pretty little maid. Come clean my house when you’re done?”
I shot him a glare before holding up a middle finger and storming off to the breakroom. But he wasn’t done yet… I’d been in the breakroom for less than a minute before Dawson came strolling in, hands shoved into his suit jacket pockets.
“You know Chrissy, I didn’t really appreciate that behavior.”
The condescending tone of his voice was really rubbing me the wrong way, and I had a mile long list of things I still had to attend to. I really didn’t have time for his silly charades today. So, I simply chose to ignore him, reaching into the cabinet under the sink and rifling through the cleaning supplies instead. When I stood up to set everything down on the counter though, I was met with the incredibly imposing form of Dawson standing over me. Before I could even react, he had caged me in, forcing me back against the counter.
Predatory eyes roved over me, briefly glancing at my chest before meeting my eyes. “You know…” he started. “It really is a shame that such a beautiful woman has to work so hard.”
I sucked in a breath, shifting uncomfortably in my heels.
“I guess a pretty face isn’t worth much when it isn’t smart, huh?” With a tap to the side of my head, he chuckled. “Too bad there isn’t much that goes on up there.” His finger twirled a strand of blonde hair around his finger before he brushed his thumb over the fullness of my bottom lip. “I bet I know what you are good for, though.”
My brows furrowed angrily as I swatted his hand away. “Don’t. Touch. Me.” I ground the words out between clenched teeth, my voice a deadly hiss.
“Feisty…” he growled. A wicked gleam burned at icy blue irises, his hand traveling down the length of my pencil skirt before giving my butt a rough smack.
Before I even realized what I was doing, my hand flew up and slapped the side of his face so hard that it stung. My chest heaved as I took in large gulps of air. I was so livid that I was shaking. In a matter of seconds, his expression flickered between surprise, disbelief, and then anger.
With a rough shove, one of his hands wrapped around my neck like vines of ivy, creeping up the expanse of it before settling at my jaw. My head slammed into the back of a cabinet, the cleaning supplies clattering to the ground.
“You filthy little who-”
“STOP.”
Both of us turned, slightly taken aback at the intrusion. It was the new guy. He was hired just a couple weeks ago, and he had become a constant laughing stock in the office. His nickname of “Santa’s little helper” quickly gained traction when Talia caught him working a “Santa meet and greet” at the mall. It turned out that he volunteered to work there on the weekends. Despite him dressing as one of the elves, he was well over 6 feet tall. I guess it was sort of ironic that the largest man in this office spent some of his time dressed as something known to be short in his free time. I was never more thankful for his presence.
“Listen Nick, this is all a big misunderstanding.” Dawson backed away with his hands raised awkwardly, shifting in place before he rubbed the back of his neck.
“It didn’t look like a misunderstanding.” Nick’s tone was icy cold, slicing through the tension in the room and warning Dawson to stand down.
A glare settled over his features, his jaw clenched as he leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed tightly over his chest. Nick’s gray dress shirt was stretched taut against the bulge of his biceps, the fabric straining against the expanse of his largely broad shoulders. Either I hadn’t ever noticed, or I’d simply been too busy, but in the right light, Nick looked kind of… threatening? Based on his physique alone, he could probably chew Dawson up and spit him out in less than a second.
“Look, I was just leaving-”
“No you’re not.”
My eyes darted between the two men before landing back on Nick.
“Not until you clean that microwave.”
Dawson bristled, clearly getting aggravated with his demands.
“Stop throwing your weight around, new kid. I’ll tell Dr. Jameson-”
“Tell him what?” Nick seethed. “That you were assaulting a coworker?”
Dawson’s gulp was audible.
“Fine.”
With a nod, Nick beckoned me towards him, but before I could even step past the threshold of the door, Dawson was quick to remind me of my status at this hell hole.
“Chrissy.”
I paused midstep, glancing briefly at Nick.
“I don’t care what anyone in this office says,” he spat. “You’re no more than a pathetic assistant that begs for bread crumbs at the feet of a bunch of bigshots who have degrees. You’ll never amount to anything, and neither will ‘Santa’s little helper’ over there.”
It took everything I had to bite back my anger. Nick simply chuckled before saying, “And you’re nothing more than a lap dog.”
Despite the fact that I appreciated Nick’s help, Dawson was right. You see, the thing is, I never went to college. I grew up in a middle class family, but my parents couldn’t afford to pay for my education. I wasn’t smart enough to get a rocket scientist scholarship, and my ACT score was a measly 20. And besides, thinking about being so deep in debt that I’d have to eat ramen for the rest of my life made me sick to my stomach.
Really, the only thing I had to rely on was my looks. My mom always told me I was pretty, but sometimes, more often than not, I wish I’d been born hideous in hopes of trading that in for smarts instead. So, once I graduated, I worked a few receptionist jobs. Because I was young, and blonde, and fresh faced, I was the perfect candidate. Flashing the customers a pearly white smile and scheduling appointments was a piece of cake. But then, I found myself at my current job.
The company is stingy, so the pay is horrible. The only reason I took the job was because I’d hoped it would lead me to some new opportunities. Instead, I’ve become a corporate slave who babysits “educated” adults that have to be told to push the restart button on their computer when it’s ‘acting a little funny.’”
But I don’t want any of you to think that because of my looks, I’m completely and utterly useless. Let’s be clear on that. I’m really quite the opposite. In fact, my looks make for an excellent, inconspicuous cover. I may not have a degree, but I have an unusually strange amount of knowledge about toxicology - specifically, the hardest poisons to detect. I’ve successfully used plenty of poisons like ethylene glycol, ricin, and oleander, but thallium sulfate is my favorite.
Thallium sulfate is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and water soluble. In fact, most doctors don’t even think to test for thallium sulfate in the blood, and within 3–4 days of ingestion, you’re deader than a doornail. Although, prussian blue is the antidote, 15 milligrams will easily take anyone out way before they even realize what’s going on. Considering the US has not manufactured thallium since 1984 though, this is not an easy drug to get your hands on. Luckily, I’ve got friends in low places.
Now, why is any of this important? Remember how I mentioned that email at the start? Well, I made a very special batch of cookies, and I fully intend to make sure that my entire office learns the deadly consequences of underestimating a “lowly” assistant. Revenge never tasted so sweet, and those cookies will taste positively deadly.
The rest of my week went on as it normally would, but I did notice that Nick had become more of a constant in my day to day work. On one hand, I appreciated how helpful he was, and I was thankful for the breather, but on the other, I couldn’t help but find it strange. I didn’t know if I was just being paranoid or what, but something just felt off. In fact, I got the first warning sign when I walked into his cubicle around lunch time today. I wish I wouldn’t have gotten distracted and waved it off.
“Yes, I’ve been closely monitoring-”
“Nick?” My knuckles rapped against the side of the cubicle, before I raised a brow. “Did I just see you talk into the cufflink of your suit jacket?”
I’d definitely seen it, and he knew I had, too. There was no covering it up, so I was hoping he would be honest.
“I guess you did!” he chuckled cooly, spinning around in his chair to face me. The fact that he was so calm and collected about my questioning was strange.
“Care to explain?” I arched a curious brow, my red painted fingernails tapping the side of the cubicle anxiously.
“Oh, I’ve got a wireless bluetooth speaker in my cufflink. Just some new tech that I got from Santa!”
I eyed him suspiciously before laughing. “Santa?” My brow quirked upwards again, a disbelieving smile stretching across my lips. But I decided to play along, slightly amused.
“And what does ‘Santa’ want with you at work? I thought you only volunteered on the weekends?”
A flicker of a smile tugged at his lips, before he steepled his fingers and released a dramatic sigh. “The North Pole never sleeps around this time of year! I’m increasingly busy these days.”
“Uh, huh.” I shook my head, laughing once again at his silly antics. The two of us had grown close, working hand in hand. He was a bit odd, but then again, so was I.
Nick ran a hand through his hair, shooting me one of his prize-winning smiles before hitting me with a wink. I had to admit, this man was honestly too attractive for his own darn good. The fact that he was a lowly assistant like me was mind-boggling. I felt like he should have climbed the top of the corporate ladder by now.
“Believe it or not, Chris, but Santa sees and hears everything, and without the help of his team, he wouldn’t be able to get everything done in time for Christmas.”
I playfully slapped his shoulder before rolling my eyes. “You’re such a weirdo.” With a pause, I smirked and whispered, “So am I on the naughty list or the nice list this year?” It was admittedly a bit of a risky question, but the tension between us was undeniable.
From the moment Nick had come to my rescue in the kitchen, both of us have been nearly inseparable. This was sure to give me some intel on whether he shared my same sentiments. If so, I could surely sway him from eating any of my special cookies at the Christmas party.
I watched curiously as Nick stood from his chair and took a quick peek around. A large portion of the office had gone out to lunch together, and the others had their heads buried in their computers.
An amused grin crept across my lips when he sat back down, a playful expression melting across his features. With a tug, he pulled me into his lap, brushing back a strand of hair before he whispered, “Pretty sure you’re on Santa’s most wanted list.” I stiffened at his words. I’d poisoned more people than I had fingers and toes for at this point, and as far as I knew, I hadn’t been caught? He couldn’t know anything about this, right? I was always very careful. Change of location, change of hair color, new name, new clothing, all of it.
“Just kidding!” His eyes lit up mischievously as he studied my expression. “But you have been very naughty.”
My cheeks burned a bright red. With a light smack to his chest, I stood back up and straightened my dress. “You dirty dog!” I laughed.
Later that night, as I stood in my kitchen with a mixing bowl in hand, I couldn’t help but to replay his words over and over in my mind. Before I’d left to go home, he had stopped me in the parking lot and asked to be my date for the Christmas party. Before I even realized what I was saying, the word ‘yes’ flew past my lips. Little did I know, I was making a huge mistake.
The next day flew by, catapulting me into my plan faster than I’d even anticipated. As I strolled past the front door of Sonny’s, the intoxicating smell of fine dining assaulted my nostrils. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb in my bright, red dress, and Nick hadn’t shown up to accompany me just yet. Everyone else was dressed in shades of black, white, and cream. These people were so incredibly boring. I didn’t know if having a degree sucked the life out of you or something, but these colors sure were! Talia was dressed in a floor-length, cream colored gown, and despite her stunning red hair, the shade of that gown washed out her features in the worst way possible. I mean, it was Christmas for crying out loud, and not a single soul was dressed in red or green!
By the time we were all seated and Mr. Jameson had raised a toast, I was admittedly getting nervous. Nick still hadn’t shown up, and I didn’t really like talking to any of these snobs besides exchanging the obligatory pleasantries. As I waited for him to show, my eyes couldn’t help but to glance over at my beautiful little Christmas cookies glistening on the table in the center of the room. I’d generously coated them in sugar, and dusted them with a bit of cinnamon. Talia was happily loading each one of them up into separate boxes for everyone to take home. It took everything that I had to wipe the evil smile off of my face.
“Chris?”
My head whipped around and my face lit up when I realized it was none other than Nick. But of course, before I could even get a word in, Dr. Dawson was swaggering towards the both of us.
“Do I sense a little bit of workplace romance between you two? Rumor has it that Talia caught the both of you red handed. Mentioned something about some unusual scans on the printer?”
We both blushed, instantly embarrassed.
“I’d hate for Dr. Jameson to find out. Wouldn’t that just be a shame?” Dawson smirked before slapping Nick on the shoulder. “But we’re cool, right?” Nick flinched, brushing him off before wrapping a protective arm around my waist.
“Say, we’re both sensible men, right? If you let me take her out for a spin, we can just forget that any of that happened.”
My eyes zeroed in on Nick’s clenched fist, so I did the only thing I could think of. I intervened… And offered him a cookie.
“Dawson!” I chirped. “Why don’t I take you over to the cookie table! I make some of the best, you know!”
Dawson’s eyes slid up to Nick’s, a wicked smirk tugging at his lips before he reached out and took my hand. “I’d love that, actually. I’m sure Santa’s little helper could spare some time away from his precious little present, now couldn’t he?”
Before Nick could even engage, I shot him a look and shook my head. Karma would deal with Dawson way before Nick needed to. I would be sure of that. Dragging him over to the table, I shoved a cookie into his hands, and beckoned him to try a bite.
The second his lips parted and he took a bite… I felt that all too familiar feeling. That sickeningly sweet rush of adrenaline I got every time I killed someone, and this was no different. If I’d dosed these correctly, he would die before Monday even rolled around.
Except that everything went downhill from here. Metaphorically speaking, well… And as you’re about to see, quite literally, the crap was about to hit the fan. Unbeknownst to me, something incredibly bizarre was about to go down, and my cookies would be the least of everyone’s worries.
“Tonight, I would like to end this Christmas party with a huge thank you to Mr. Jameson!” Talia was standing up from her seat, mid-clap when a strange sound echoed across the room.
My head instantly snapped in the direction of it, and so did everyone else’s. There, hunched over the table, was a very sick looking Dawson. Vomit spewed from his mouth like a geyser, chunks of his dinner splattering the pristinely white tablecloth in front of him. The two female coworkers he had been flirting with all night stood up and gasped. He was throwing up so profusely now that it was projectile! At this point it was like something off of “The Exorcism.”
The two slim brunettes were covered in thick, slimy goo, the both of them screaming in disgust, or anger, or maybe both, before blowing chunks themselves. It was complete and utter chaos… and I couldn’t help but smile. That smile quickly disappeared the second he fell backwards onto another table, though, his body flopping like a fish and spasming erratically. Glass shattered and silverware clattered to the ground.
Darn it… The poison was setting in now. Anxiety hit me like a freight train. What if some of the others had eaten more than-
THUMP!
Everyone’s eyes darted to Mr. Jameson, his eyes rolling into the back of his head as he clutched his throat. He was choking and coughing, strange gurgling sounds emitting from his mouth. Thick, crimson rivulets gushed from his nose and mouth as he fell into a heap on the floor. These people were dropping like flies. Perhaps I’d calculated the dosage completely wrong?? I couldn’t be here…
Gathering my skirts, I stood from my seat and tried to rush past the chaos, but a woman the size of a whale had just wandered out in front of me, and the whole back of her dress was covered in… Brown? But then it hit me. It was feces. The smell was overwhelmingly strong. It honestly smelled like something had crawled up in her and died. I covered my nose, repulsion melting across my features when I watched it slide down her legs like a thickened chocolate syrup.
This was nothing like what I’d expected. The horror of what I’d done was hitting me in waves. If these people dropped dead in this restaurant, the authorities would have their eyes on the restaurant first, but then they would surely begin to question if it was something else. I needed to get out of there, and I needed to get out of there fast.
I’d just about made it to the door before I felt someone grab the back of my elbow. Spinning on my heel, I came face to face with Nick. Relief settled over me as I tried to drag him from the chaos that was continuing to ensue within the restaurant.
“Chris.”
I paused, my eyes searching Nick’s before they landed on the slight curve of his lips. “Did you enjoy your wine?”
“Huh?”
“Your wine,” he repeated with a nod. “Did you enjoy it?”
“M-my wine? What the heck are you going on about, Nick? This is really not the time to be a wine connoisseur. We really need to-” And that’s when I felt it. The slight tingling sensation dancing across the tip of my tongue. The numbness in my fingertips. The strange lightheaded feeling buzzing at the front of my head. My brows scrunched as I scrutinized his expression. I hadn’t eaten a single cookie… But that’s when it dawned on me.
“It… It was you!” My words were slurred as I stumbled over them, hurriedly pushing them past disbelieving lips.
With a slight nod, he chuckled. “You like my handiwork, Chris? You and I are one in the same. Way more alike than you even realized,” he whispered. “Cut from the same cloth.”
“What do you mean?” I struggled to get my lips to form the words. Whatever he had slipped into my wine was currently working its magic as we spoke.
“This is what happens when you don’t pay those friends in ‘low places,’ Chris.”
My eyes widened large as saucers as his revelation slowly settled in. All those silly words he had been whispering into his cufflinks… They were code words! The “North Pole,” was the black market, and “Santa…” Santa was the man that I still owed money to. Nick was indeed one of his “little helpers,” and he had finally found me.
White-hot fear coursed through me as I shoved past the front doors of the restaurant, falling into a heap on the ground. Nick was quick to scoop me up, walking us across the crosswalk and moving to his car so fast that it was making me dizzy. My head was swimming and my vision was going in and out of focus. I couldn’t let him put me in that car. If he took me to another location, I knew I was good as dead.
With the last of my strength, I screamed. I screamed, and screamed, and screamed. He was quick to slap a hand over my mouth, but it was too late. I don’t know what good I’d done in my past life, because after all the people I’ve murdered, I definitely didn’t deserve this, but a blacked out police cruiser had just rounded the corner in the parking garage, and it was heading directly towards us. Everything from this point forward is sort of spotty, but I do remember the sharp inhale of breath that Nick took before he abruptly dropped me. I rolled to the ground, my body almost completely paralyzed as I listened to the officer scream at him to get on the ground.
My vision swam in and out as I watched Nick zig-zag back and forth. The last thing I heard before I passed completely out was a gunshot.
When I finally came to, it was in a hospital bed. My parents were hovering over me, tears glistening in their eyes as they explained everything. Nick Peters was a very dangerous criminal who had quickly been convicted of many charges, but the largest of those was “murder by poison.” Apparently, I was very lucky to be alive, but what I was more excited about, was the fact that Nick’s crime was the perfect cover up for what I’d done. It was almost sort of… Exhilarating? In all my years of poisoning people, I’d never been caught, and the fact that I was teetering just on the edge this time was such an adrenaline rush!
For the next few days, I laid in a hospital bed and recovered. I played the innocent victim, grieved the loss of my coworkers, and told the detectives everything that I knew. It wasn’t much, but I gave them something to chew on. A little food for thought. I wasn’t about to incriminate myself in any way, so I did what I do best. I tucked my blonde hair behind my ear, furrowed my brows, and played the pretty little damsel in distress. Everyone thought I was positively stupid anyways, so I channeled that and leaned into it. Serves everyone right for underestimating a pretty face.
Everything was going smoother than butter when I made it home. So, when I walked into my kitchen and saw a plate of cookies sitting on my island, you can only imagine the fear that raged through me when I noticed the note propped up beside them. With shaky hands, my fingers flicked open the paper, eyes scanning over the words before the realization finally set in. Disbelief, denial, and then, an overwhelming urge to vomit.
Dearest Chrissy,
Santa wanted me to send his regards. You might have convinced the detectives of your innocence, but we know what you did. You’ll be on our naughty list until the debt is paid. As for Nick, he’ll be paying you a visit real soon. There are some of our own in the very police department that you think is protecting and serving you. We have eyes everywhere. Ears everywhere. Don’t believe me? Take a look at your Christmas tree for me. We’ve left you a little… Gift of sorts. And while you’re at it? Have a cookie on us!”
Happy Holidays! ;)
- Talia Freeman
The note fell from my hands, spiraling to the floor. Talia… She was in on this too?! My heart pounded viciously in my chest as my eyes darted over to the festively lit tree in my living room. Except this time… Something was different.
My legs trembled as I crept across the room, my eyes instantly zeroing in on the grisly scene before me. I was absolutely horrified and disgusted when I realized that every single one of my ornaments had been replaced. Various eyes and ears had been strung up and strategically placed on my tree. Skin dangled, torn and tattered, some of it stuck to the artificial evergreen needles.
What terrified me the most, was that the blood was still fresh… It dripped from the branches in a slow, steady stream. My eyes gradually traveled down. And that’s when I saw it. My legs stumbled backwards before I doubled over and vomited. Underneath my tree, sat one, singular gift. I didn’t dare to open it. The words painted in crimson over the snow white wrapping paper was enough to persuade me otherwise.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake…”