Hell is different, for everyone. There’s no horned dude with a hot poker and flames everywhere noooo. Its worse, and I was unlucky enough to find out.
I’m Rob by the way, and I’m a suicide victim perse. I grew up with both parents, dad wasn’t really interested in me that much. He kept his distance and at some point he stopped talking all together. All because he chose to. Well mom on the other hand, was nice. But she made it a point to always mak me feel like I wasn’t enough. I felt like a burden.
Anyways lets get this on the road shall we. Most my life I cared about nothing, I mean nothing. Not even myself, I could spend days without bathing, sticking needles and sniffing whatever came across my path so that I could feel something. Tony, my weed guy introduced me to something new. Something that’ll get you so high you won’t even come back down.
“Hell raiser” he looked at my with a smile creeping on his face, then cleared his throat and tried sounding more dramatic “Hell raiser, aiser aiser aiser” even echoing the last three letters. “Really? Couldn’t you come up with something. I don’t know. A lil more you know. Less cliche che che” I echoed the last three letters too for dramatic effects. He sighed and pulled up a rainbow colored capsule, he held it between his fingers “Now now, before you–” I cut him off by snatching the pill and downing it in one gulp, he cussed “What the shit! I wasn’t finished” , I smiled and burped “As you were saying, continue” Tony shook his head in annoyance .
“I wanted to say this stuff is new, no body I mean no body has tried it out yet. So as always buddy you’ll be the first vict– I mean first person to give it a go” he winked and patted my back. I was okay with being a guinea pig if it meant I got to forgot about my troubles. I nodded and we high fived on it. “Come and tell me all about it if you survive” he hopped into his car and left. Weird, I thought.
I rubbed my hands, making my way home “About to get high baby” odd, I felt nothing. 30 minutes, 40 minutes still nothing. In fact I was sober as ever. I was about to cross the road heading over to the local street club for something stronger when a Tow truck ran over me, I awoke to screaming. Pain lingering through my body, I could feel my skull crack and brain getting bashed in by its wheels. Bone & flesh mashing together. I was covered in sweat. My head pounding, and my bones felt weird.
I looked around but there wasn’t much. A mirror with inscriptions stood in front of me, I looked around for an exit or sign of life but nothing. I was too weak to move, there was enough light to see my reflection “At least I look okay enough” I inspected myself, something caught my eye “Ahhhhhhh!!!!! I screamed, where the fuck are my eyelids!”, and the mirror started liquidifying, my reflection was replaced to a scene I partly remember because it was a memory I had retracted. There she was, in my room with my childhood friends running a train on her, the people I could’ve died for if push came to shove. I watched them have sex hours unend. Every position you could imagine. I watched them do it in slomo fast and watched them do it while we were out as a group at the movies.
What played before me was a series of my high school sweetheart being a skank. That bitch, I heard their voices, whispers in my ear “Why are you still with him” “He doesn’t fuck you like we do” words that broke me again. After years of feeling nothing of retracting these memories and shoving them deep. What was happening. I watched it over and over I found myself reciting every conversation they shared. “Stooooooop!!!!! Fuckin Stop!!!!!!” I yelled at the nothingness. Everything became still, then they stared at me.
Murmuring something while smiling, wide wider wider now their mouths were abnormally open, I yelped seeing eyes at the back of their throats. Then I woke up, I was laying on the side walk panting. Someone behind me, from the looks of it had pulled me from the road “Watch where you going cunt!” he berated me. My heart pounding in my chest. “Woah, thats. What the hell”, my hands were clamy from sweat I stood up, people staring daggers at me with judgemental eyes. I could feel the loathing in the air. I diverted and decided to go to my sleeping spot.
Sharp piercing pain shot behind me from my spine. I fell to the ground. Then felt pain all over my body as a sharp object went in and out of my skin impaling me as I slumped over on the floor, I was whimpering in agony. Someone stabbed me. I woke up again, screaming and feeling the pain flashing across my body with an image of being stabbed non stop.
Then I was back at that place. In front of the mirror. Another scene came to play, it was my mother. Even after 10 years I recognized her. She felt real, it felt real. It was some sort of old memory. She looked young and my dad was there, then there was me as a baby. The voices echoed from around me “I told you to pull out Derek! I told you. I wasnt ready for this. This!” She said gesturing towards me “Evelyn, its our baby boy. It happened because I wanted it to. Not because of a mistake!” My dad spat back, they were pacing around, my dad was cradling me in his arms.
She paced back and forth, lashing her arms “You knew, you knew we were just friends with benefits you knew. Now we have this thing”, there was a look of disgust in her eyes. I was sure this drug was fucking with me. My mom loved me, “Look at him, just look at him Evy” he showed me to her. What happened next shocked me, she took me off his hands and violently tried to hit me against the corner of the couch.
Dad was quick enough to lunge forwad and catch me while still in air, but his hands weren’t so lucky. I heard his bones crack when they collided with the couch. I watched as my own mother tried and failed miserablely to end my life. “Ohhhhh you lucky bastard, I tried poison,abortion pills nothing worked! I should smother you”, I was just a baby, I didn’t understand. She and dad were constantly fighting. Somehow he tolerated everything, “I should’ve ripped this thing off me 3 months earlier” words were venom in her mouth as she spat them out. I sat there, tears streaming down my face. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. I lost count of how many times she cussed at me. Tried to kill me. Thats when dad said something I’ve never heard before, “I know you don’t like Robin that much. I don’t know why, I don’t know where such hatred came from.
“But please,let my boy live” tears streaming down his face. I sobbed hysterically watching my dad beg for my life.I didn’t check the time,the concept of time was lost to me. I had grew a beard in this place, yet I remained seated. Watching my life play before me. My parents came into a despicable conclusion. Every anger, hurt my mother wanted to inflict on me she’d divert it to my dad instead. Dad was a sucker for love, thats why he tolerated it. From getting burned by tea to getting lashes at his back. Every vile thing she could think of befell my father. My blood boiled, I was shaking in rage. The final straw came when she cut off his tongue.Just because I always came back from school to tell her all about my imaginary adventures. I remember, I remember being an over imaginative kid I remember thinking my mom loved me enough not to punish me but this was the truth. I was trembling, my breathing became shallow and uneven. Heart beat echoing in my ears. Without thinking I lunged at the mirror in attempt to punch it and simply phased through.
When I came to I was in front of Tony, he was waving his hands in front of me “Hello. Hellooooooooooooooooo. Earth to Robby” I gasped and sobbed like a new born baby, I fell to my knees and cried my heart out. Not because I went to hell but because my eyes were opened. Tony had a sad look on his face but he kept his distance until I was ready to open up to him. I told him what happened, he listened intently but never looked surprised.
According to him I’ve been gone for 3 minutes. I took the pill and my eyes dilated and thats it. But the time I spent in that place was more than days,years, I felt it in my bones. “You know, you’re the only person to make it. Honestly speaking, I’ve gave this pill to 3 others and they all didn’t come back. Get clean Rob. Here’s something to help you get started” Tony handed me a bunch of crisp hundred dollar bills. From that day I never saw him.
I visited my dad after 25 years in the asylum, told him what I saw and asked for his forgiveness. Part of me, a big part still wonders what could’ve happened if I took more than one capsule.