No! Nothing will ever be the same.
I remember your hair, your smell, your hands, the blood all over me.
Suddenly I understood that he had to go and there are places where I will never understand - and never want to.
I believe it was on that sunday that all started to change a little. Yep! The day we went to the grocery store and our neighbor ignored you when you said “Hello”. I found it weird but didn’t make much of it. You spoke about that all the way home and again, weird but ok.
When I met you I thought how fascinating you were when your point of views were all so different from mine and that was it for me: Someone who can counterbalance me. And it was awesome. Weird is a good definition to define our relation, since I was a Christian and you said you experience “the opposite”. I guess a little weird choice of words to say you’re an atheist. Well, not a problem and I wasn’t very fervorous at the time anyway. I really enjoyed the way we connect at equidistant oposites. You loved the night, I love the morning. It was not a surprise when you accepted that work at night shift that we eat breakfast together at 5 a.m. Good times.
Everyday when I came home from work the house was pristine and the cook! You were absolutely awesome at cooking, the taste was amazing, your meatloaf was superb, so many herbs that I don’t even know the names.
I remember when our niece went to the performatic restaurant that you worked at the time couldn’t eat the food, I believe it was the herbs: too strong for a child. But I was used to, so no harm no foul.
I never really understood the “performatic food” and the “scene”. Everyday was a “performance”, which means the food preparation was unique and the flavors were a surprise everytime. I just liked her company when she invited me, she looked so entertained about the food that I enjoyed more to see her than the eating itself.
As a characteristic, sometimes I get lost in my thoughts and drift too much from the shores of the reality. Normally I get back before she comes home from work until the day that she caught me praying. At first I didn’t notice her and stayed with my eyes closed but moments later I felt an accute pain on my left shoulder and when I looked up there she was with the nails craved on my shoulderblade and an angry face asking: “What you’re doing?”.
I replyed: “I’m…I’m praying”.
She lost it: “Why are you praying? Since when you do this? Am I not enough?”. I was confused and just replyed “What?…wh…” and she threw her bags on the floor and went to the bedroom. I didn’t understood what the hell had happened but went to the door asking “Honey, are you ok?”. No answer. “Honey…?”. Thats when I could hear very soft and low sound, like if someone was singing a lullaby. I called her again and knocked the door and the sound ceased. She opens the door and says “Hey, honey I’m sorry about that”.
I just…just didn’t know how to react and kissed her forehead and asked “Are you okay?”, which she replyed, “Yeah, everything all right”. I went to the bathroom took a shower, made breakfast for both of us and went to work. It’s strange how we don’t see the small things when you’re absort in a relationship or at least that was my thought in my way to work.
When I got home from work the house was a little dirty, nothing too much, but unusual to her standards. I didn’t ask and took the garbage away. Weird that she wasn’t home. I tried to call her and voicemail. Where the hell she was? Started to ask to our friends and neighbors and no one seem to know where she was. I was feeling a little desperate since it was uncommon from her give no notice. I bend my knees and started to pray. Almost instantly when I closed my eyes her voice on my ear: “What are you doing?”. I opened my eyes and there she was. I asked where she was and how I was worried. She smiled and kissed my forhead.
That night she said she wouldn’t go to work and the dinner would be meatloaf. I love her meatloaf. In my head: “win-win”. We talked about the absolute nothingness that is to be alive and all the things that we always talked about and all seems normal. That saturday we said that we needed to buy food. She agreed and we went to sleep.
On the sunday we went to the grocery store and on the way home she only talked about how she was ignored and I really didn’t knew what to say or to do since it was meaningless. She wasn’t having any. When we got home she went straight to the bedroom and I overheard again that soft lullaby. After knocking on the door she opens it and says, “what you need?”. I reply: “I need to know that you’re ok. What happened?”. She says “I’m okay”. And went to the bathroom.
Monday morning she was up before me and prepared our breakfast. I automatically said my prayers (I often do that but she’s not wake or home at this time) and she flipped: She started to cry and humming like she was in some kind of trance. I asked what it was and (I will never forget this) she said: “What’s the name of that a***ole?”. I didn’t understood. She says again: “Whats the name of that c**t of neighbor?”. I said: “Who?…Wh…What you’re…?”. She screams and says “He doesn’t recongnize me?”, says again but louder “I am the one to worship”, says in a gutural voice “I won’t be ashamed”. I was in awe and terrified at the same time. Suddenly someone knocks on the door. She runned to the door and opens: It’s the neighbor but there’s something off with him.
She smiles and says to him: “Sit there please” which he complies. I almost peed my pants and just watched. She says to him: “Now you recognize me? Do you worship me? Now you answer to my call?” And he says: “Yes, everything you want”. She completes with “Hello neighbor” and he says “Hello! How are you”, she replies “Not much”. He goes away and she smiles.
And I was on the corner of the kitchen. Automatically I started to pray and like a predator smells a prey she runs towards me and say “I think it’s time to talk about that”. She continues: “I know you’ve been trying to worship other than me but hear me, your are prohibited from doing it from now on”.
My mouth was open and I couldn’t articulate anything to say. She continues: “Say yes”. I mumbled and said “Yes”. She continued with the breakfast as if nothing happened.
I never knew meatloaf needed blood in it but damn. I love her meatloaf.
(If I can I will try to tell a little more about her recipe. Now I have to go).