“Dude, I’m fucking telling you…. I heard my name” I try to rationalize to my brother.
“Bro, Imma tell you one more time. You do not know how to handle your dabs, stick to herb.” He laughs my comment off like I am not in the middle of the most lucid nightmare of my life.
“Look man, just come with me I’ll show you.” I am practically begging him at this point.
“Look if it makes you shut up, fine I’ll be there” He pats me on the back and stands up from the Wendy’s bench to walk back over to his car. “You coming, or are you going to start telling these slave wage teens that your losing your mind?”
“Yea man I’m coming” It’s a struggle to stand and walk to his car, but at least I know I’ll finally have a witness to… well I don’t even know what to call it.
Finally after a couple more stops that my brother insisted were more important than my “imagination” we finally start driving towards my place. We pull up to my crappy tiny home, my previous relationship left me with enduring trauma and about $70,000 in debt for a shed with a shitter in it.
“Where the hell do you expect me to sleep in this box?” I know he is mad at the space, but soon he will forget about the cramped accommodations, soon he will have something to actually complain about.
“You can have the bed, I’ll take the couch.” He nods in approval and takes the small set of steps into the loft that is only about 3 feet high. Later that night we GoPuff some snacks and he starts his nightly ritual of taking dabs until he sinks fully into the void. I turn it down, not tonight I need to be ready. Goofing around watching dumb YouTube videos time starts to pass and the expected hour is creeping up on us.
“It’s almost 3 am” I whisper.
“Nothing is going to happen man, you are just stressed from work, school, the break up– Look I’m here to keep you company just get some rest.” I can tell that there is genuine concern in his voice, Its going to fucking tear my heart out when realizes what is going on.
“Yea your right man, I just need some rest, what do you say we call it for tonight?” Packing up his rig he pushes his backpack into a 1 foot “closet” and takes the 6 or 7 steps to the loft to sleep.
I settle onto the couch, I can’t be further than 10 feet from him so he will have to see and hear this when it happens.
I start to dream. Waterfalls of color spill into my mind and I swirl into oblivion. Here I’m at peace, there are no bills, no assignments, no her….
“Mark”
It’s like a whisper but I wake up right away. I try to scream for my brother but I hear him scream first, the kind of scream that makes you dizzy with adrenaline from the danger you know is near. I start to turn my head to face him, but it feels like time has slowed and my neck is taking forever to get my eyes on him.
I hear my name again, except I hear it from my brother, my head is facing him, but I can’t open my damn eyes, I don’t want to see this. Slowly I open my eyes, they feel weighed down and I know there is a reason that they don’t want to open. My eyes need to adjust to the dark, I can’t see what’s going on but I can tell that there is movement up in the loft. I start to stand to get a better look and I feel my legs give up on me from the fear.
I wake up dazed, is it morning? The memory from last night floods my brain as I realize I am waking on the hard floor. Shit Mike where is he, “Mike!” I scream out for him. I stand slowly and make my way to the loft. He is gone. What the fuck is going on, the scream he let out plays over and over in my head. I pull the neatly made blankets off the bed and to my surprise there is nothing, it’s as if he was never even here.
Frantically I pull out my phone to call him. Every ring takes longer than the last and I can’t take the anticipation I feel as I wait for him to answer, or not. “You know what to do” and a loud audible burp plays on his voicemail. Shit, I call back several time but now it’s just sending me to his stupid voicemail greeting. I take some deep breathes anticipating my next move. I could ride my bike to his place or call an uber? Wait did he leave his car outside, what about his back pack. I check the small closet, nothing. His car is gone and there are not even tire marks in the wet sand. It’s as if whatever that was last night erased any signs of him.
I reluctantly take the 3 steps up to the entrance of my tiny home. I flop onto the couch. I looked everywhere, his home, his job, his favorite hangout, hell I even went in to that stain on the city Dungeons and Dragons café…. Nothing. I leaf through my memories of the day and I think about the encounter I had with some anime obsessed grown man with the body odor of a dead bear, he said that he had not seen Mike in months. Months? I take my phone out and look at the date. My jaw drops when I see that it’s been 3 months from the day I met Mike at the Wendy’s. I don’t know how I didn’t notice the date or weather changes in my haste to find him, but my phone, my computer, and even my play station say it’s now August 28th. I am at an absolute loss for words. Who do you call in a scenario like this, even if someone would listen they would think that I had lost my mind.
I scroll through my text messages and call history, it appears I was in communication with some friends and family during the last 3 months. Mostly messages between my immediate family giving each other updates on how the investigation is going. Investigation? I scroll further and further back to around the time I last saw him. We didn’t file a missing person’s report for almost an entire month. I feel like my heart is on fire and I choke back tears. I wish I could afford a hotel or something just to get out of here for the night, I don’t want this reminder that whatever happened to him, happened here.
After downing a few shots of cheap vodka I am able to drift to sleep. I dream that him and I are young again, I’m probably 8 or 9 and he is right behind me at 6 or 7. We run through the woods in the back of our home. We make it to a small fort that we had built out of loose sticks and mud. Sitting in there feels safe and makes the woods past the fort seem dangerous and foreboding. I hug my brother but he feels cold, when I turn to look at him he is a shade of ice blue. “Mike” I choke out his name as I let go of his limp body and it slowly slides down mine to the dirt floor below us. I wake up in a panic, I barely make it over the edge of the loft and vomit down on to the floor below me. The bitter taste in my mouth is the only thing that prompts me out of bed and down to the 3 square foot bathroom. I brush my teeth over and over to release the flavor but it stays. I wipe up the vomit with a dirty towel and throw it in the garbage. I sit on the couch and stare straight at the wall, I have no idea what do now.
I didn’t go back to sleep after that dream. I stayed awake until the fear and finally anger that came with this absolutely bizarre fucking situation kicked me into some semblance of a survival mode. I need to do something, I need to find a way to bring Mike back. Just like that I hear a knock on the door. Small pokes of electricity shoot to the tips of my limbs as I jump at the sound. I stand and as quietly as possible take 3 smalls steps to look out the peek hole, mom?
I open the door and there’s my mom, she looks so tired and as if she has aged 10 years. She hugs me but it does less to put me at ease as I can feel how frail and weak she is. “Mom, what’s going on?” I ask her in a soft tone. “Honey did you forget we are here to pick you up to go clear out Mikes apartment? I know it’s not something we want to do, but there is no sense in renewing his lease now. When we find him he can stay with me.” I can see the hope in her eyes as she says when we find him. As I saw in the messages there were no signs of a struggle or any signs of his belongings missing. It appears mom is hopeful that he will come home. “Yea, of course let me grab my shoes and I’ll meet you in the car.”
At his apartment we sort through dirty clothes and throw away spoiled food in his fridge. I hear my mom sniffling as she holds his shirt to her chest and cries. I hold back tears as I try to move through this work as quickly as I can. There is still signs of the investigators that came to search my brothers place, there is a small circle drawn over a patch of wall with a dark brown stain on it, my mom sees me looking and says “Mark its ok they said that was just a food stain, you know how your brother eats.” We both laugh briefly and it feels good, it’s the first time I have laughed in so long.
We finish clearing out the apartment, I took his favorite shirt and hid it under the one I was wearing. When I get home I look at myself in the mirror with it, it black with green text that says “Its 4:20 somewhere”. I chuckle to myself, he could always make me laugh, even in such a dreadful situation. I sit on the couch and debate not sleeping tonight, I don’t want to have another nightmare and I don’t want to experience whatever the hell was causing such chaos in my life. I should just ask mom if I could stay with her, but ultimately my pride won’t let me. I stay up until about 2 am but I am fighting a losing battle, I am exhausted from the move and not sleeping well to begin with. I take a giant gulp or two from my bottle and soon I sleep and sleep and sleep some more. BANG BANG BANG. I wake up startled, what the fuck was that? I look around and through my window I can see that there is light out. BANG BANG BANG “Mark, Mark? It’s the police”. Quickly I jump from my bed down to the main area of the tiny home. I open the door and two police officers are standing there, the ones that’s closer speaks “Hi are you Mark?”. “Yes, is everything ok?” I ask concern in my voice over what they are doing here. “Your mom called us, asked us to do a welfare check, She said she hasn’t heard from you in days and with everything that is going on with your brother she was worried” the police officer states calmly. “Days? I just saw her yesterday when we cleared my brothers apartment” my voice is higher than usual and I am becoming visibly upset. I turn to my couch and pick up my phone, shit….. Its been 5 days since the move.
Once the police officers see that I am safe and give my mom a call they are on their way. My mom is crying and yelling at me all at once upset that I scared her. She calms down after some time, and states she is going to bed but insists that I drive out to see her tomorrow. I agree and end the call. I need to take a shower. I squeeze into the tiniest bathroom I have ever seen in my life, the shower head is detachable and you shower where you stand right over the damn toilet. I hate this place, I bang my elbows and knees against the toilet and walls several times just trying to make sure I soap up my entire body. As I start to rinse off I look down at my right leg. There is a marking on it that I had not noticed before now. I bend over to take a better look at it and I notice that it’s a long thin bruise that has a faint yellow outline as though it is old. Fuck I feel like I would remember getting this.
Once I am out of the shower and dressed I start out my nightly routine of trying to stay up through the night, failing, and drinking cheap vodka until I pass out. I feel sleep barely enter my evening when I hear someone knocking on my door, I bolt up. Who the hell could it be, I look at my phone and its almost midnight. Adrenaline coursing through me I stand and walk to the front door as quietly as possible hoping that whoever is outside doesn’t hear me, Boom boom boom, I hear it again. I slowly press my face against the cold metal door and look out the peep hole. Anna? It’s her, my ex. I hesitate to open the door.
“Mark I can see you looking out the peep hole, open the damn door” She starts to bang hard against the door, the banging rings loud in my ears that were so close to the metal sheet. Fuck, I really don’t want to see her, but reluctantly I open the door.
“This isn’t a good time Anna, can we please save this for another day” I plead with her as she pushes past me and walks straight to the couch only a few feet behind me. She sits down and states a stoic no and looks at me with a matter a fact face.
“Anna Mike is missing….. He’s been missing. I don’t have the energy to fight with you right now.” I say solemnly as she continues to stare me down from the couch.
“Missing?” She laughs “Don’t pretend like you don’t remember what happened Mark.”
Remember what happened? I scream in my head, how dare she act like I would purposely forget anything to do with my missing brother. “Anna get the hell out of here right now, I have been absolutely miserable trying to figure out what is going on and you coming in and patronizing me….. Well it’s a fucking awful time for it.” I say trying to choke back tears.
She stands and walks towards me, slowly, making sure every step she takes is purposeful. As she reaches me she puts her hands over my shoulder and leans in to whisper in my ear “Oh Mark” she coos, “don’t you remember, how delicious he was?”
I push her off of me and try to look her in the eyes but she slaps me and I fall to the floor. My face radiates with pain as I try to recuperate from the force of her strike. I look up her body slowly and as I reach her face I no longer am looking at the same Anna that I once knew. Her face looks the exact same but something behind it is making her eyes and smile look evil. It’s almost as if a dark shadow has placed itself firmly behind her body.
“Anna” is start to stutter as I taste blood on my tongue. She leans down and stares into my eyes.
I flash back. I am at a café on break from my internship. I see Anna, but it’s the first time I have ever laid eyes on her. She sways in and I am in awe of the beauty she holds. Her long black hair flows behind her and her tan skin seems to glow a golden hue. Her eyes are green and freckles dance underneath her eyes and across her petite nose. I remember to breathe again. Wow, she is perfect, and she is walking up to me. I freeze.
“Sorry to bother you, I am running late for an interview and my phone died before I got all the directions pulled up. Could you let me borrow your computer really quick, Ill get you a coffee in exchange?” She smiles at me, and leans her head to the side as she waits for a response. “Yes” I cough out hastily and push my laptop to her excitedly, “But you don’t have to buy me a coffee, I am happy to help”. She smiles and gets to work right away.
A few minutes pass and as she stands to leave she thanks me. I smile and watch her walk out the door. I feel like an idiot for not asking her for her number or a rain check on the coffee. As I turn my computer back towards me Microsoft word is open and I see her name and number typed out “Anna” I whisper to myself.
The next couple of years where amazing. Anna was a wilderness photographer and mainly focused on national parks in our area. I continued to work as a retail associate throughout my internship until I was finally able to start practicing law in my area, mostly environmental rights so we didn’t make too much money off it. We eventually took the step of moving in together. Anna was not the kind of person who believed in marriage so we had a life partner ceremony with several friends. We even conceived. I remember jumping for joy when we saw the blue line indicating there was a little one on the way. I remember the crushing blow and ultimate nail in the coffin of our relationship when I found that she had aborted the baby behind my back because she was now doubting if I could really be her forever one.
I lay on the ground, blood on my lips and tongue and stare at what I once saw as the most beautiful face turn me into a cowering man on the ground. My legs felt warm as urine soaked my jeans.
Darkness