As you may have guessed by the title of this story, this will piss off a few pro lifers.
Good. Because fuck you for enforcing your beliefs on my body. This is my way of screaming that I am not okay with this.
My name is Harriet, and last month I was raped.
I didn’t even know the man’s name. I was at a club, having drinks with my friends and just really having a good time.
Next thing I knew I was in some dingy room with vomit on my neck and my clothes half ripped off. The guy was zipping up his fly, acting like everything that had just happened was fine.
“Are you… did we…” I mumbled, the words not even sounding like my own voice.
I felt so numb. And he acted like I was a slut. He was the one that drugged me! I only felt rage and anger and bitterness. I never saw him again. Never knew his name.
After that happened, I withdrew into my shell. Hardly talked to anyone, not even close family. I was so ashamed of what happened that I wanted to die. I thought about that a lot, that’s for sure.
Then, last week I got two double whammies in a row. First, that I was pregnant when I went for a checkup at my local clinic. I had finally dared to go get checked out after my mother noticed how depressed and withdrawn I was. I hadn’t told her about the rape yet, but I knew I needed to start trying to heal somehow. If that is even possible.
When the nurse told me, I felt worse for not coming in to be seen right after it happened. Why hadn’t I even thought to take a morning after pill? But how could I? All I could think of was how I felt so violated. So used and thrown away. And now I found out that he had done more than just have his way with me.
I remember crying all the way to my apartment, hating myself for the fact that I had let some idiot I didn’t know change my entire life course.
I talked to my mom that night and told her everything, asking her what I should do. I was hysterical. “I have two more years of college, I can’t just leave and raise a child!” I told her. And their finances didn’t allow for me to ask for help. It would be selfish. I was in the worst possible situation I could think of.
“I hate the fact that every time I think about it, I feel disgusted. He completely destroyed me mom,” I wept.
“Harriet, I know that you don’t even want to think about this… but the right thing to do is have an abortion. This child was not your choice..”
That made me cry even more. But she was right. What kind of life could I offer to a child when I could barely keep myself together?
“Do it now before it’s too far along, and sweetie… please know that I will be here for you,” mom said.
Then, I got the next shock of a lifetime. You’ve read the news. And immediately trigger laws in my local state went into place, banning the possibility of an abortion. My hands were suddenly tied again without my consent.
Honestly when I saw the news it felt like I was getting raped all over again.
I was in such a state of depression that I tried to cut my wrists. Crying on the bathroom floor, I tried again to ask mom what to do but it went straight to voicemail. She works the graveyard shift, and I hated the fact that I needed her more now than ever and she wasn’t able to be there. I was so lost and I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.
On my phone I was trying desperately to find anyone that might help with the procedure. Most of the clinics had already closed or refused to break the law.
Then I turned to the seedier parts of the web. Places I knew that people wouldn’t ask questions as long as they got paid. But even there it felt like I was looking into a bottomless pit. The darkness was so enticing to slip back into, I thought as I kept staring at the nick I made on my wrist.
As I was about to put my phone down, a notification popped up from one of the sources I had messaged before the news broke.
“Hey Harriet, I know that this isn’t what you wanted but I have reached out to a friend of mine that has said they might be able to connect you with someone that can help,” it read.
And then below that, a soft warning.
“Here’s the address. Don’t tell anyone that you are going and don’t ask questions. This has to be off the record or I could lose my job.”
It was less than a half hour from my place.
I wiped away my tears and stood up, trying to find my footing again and looking at my reflection in the mirror.
You can do this Harriet. Be strong.
I grabbed my keys and my coat and told the nurse I would be there.
It was the dead of night, and the whole drive I felt like pulling over and puking. Everything about this felt dirty and wrong.
The place in question didn’t make me feel any better. It was a cold damp brick building with a sign on the outside that said it was a warehouse. How was this even remotely connected to the clinic?
I had a bad vibe about it, and couldn’t convince myself to go inside.
Then, just as I was about to pull out, someone tapped on my passenger side window and nearly made me jump out of my skin.
Nervously I rolled it down just enough to see their face.
“You Harriet?” The older woman asked with a wheeze.
“Y-yes. But I think I’m having second thoughts,” I told her.
She looked confused and then glanced toward the warehouse and laughed.
“Oh dearie; we don’t do anything in there! We come to your home! Much more discreet. This meeting is just to see how serious you are,” she reassured me, but I didn’t feel any safer.
“Oh… I guess.. that makes sense,” I replied as I fidgeted with my keys.
“Listen, I hate to rush but the doctor is actually leaving out of state tomorrow so if you want this to happen it must be tonight. Other women need this just as bad as you do, dearie,” she smiled, showing me at least half of her teeth were gone.
“How long… does it take?” I asked.
“Probably an hour or two at the most. And don’t worry, it’s all perfectly normal procedure. We will make you comfortable, I guarantee it,” she told me as she passed a consent form.
I signed it hastily and she paused as she checked to make sure it was all kosher and then commented, “Normally there is a matter of a fee… but we can make arrangements for that later. Don’t need any more stress on you right now, hmm?”
I nodded and told her I would get home and asked, “How soon will the doctor be there?”
“The doctor is with another patient and then you are next,” she told me.
I knew she didn’t mean to sound so callous, but I guess there was no easy way to handle something like this.
I thanked her and drove back home, pacing my apartment impatiently and wishing that mom was around to reassure me that I was doing the right thing.
It wasn’t until a quarter past 3am that a knock came on my door and I knew there was no turning back.
I opened it and saw a tall white haired man with a scruffy beard standing in the hallway along with a petite woman I guessed was the nurse I spoke to on the phone earlier.
“You are the client?” the doctor asked as he entered my apartment and put down his bag on my tabletop.
“Harriet, sir. I’m sorry to have called you so late,” I said as the nurse entered and I closed the door.
It was starting to rain outside, making the whole stillness in the air feel foreboding.
“It is quite all right. After all, desperate times call for desperate measures,” the doctor told me.
He opened up his bag and I saw different small vials and syringes and tools he planned to use for the procedure, my stomach tightening into knots.
“This here is a sedative, it will the entire process a lot easier,” the nurse explained as she started to prep.
“Wait. Shouldn’t I wash up? Make sure we are sterile?” I asked nervously. I didn’t really know a lot about this, but their rush make me even more nervous.
“I’m sure you recognize we are on a tight schedule. This isn’t exactly like coming into the office,” the doctor said as he gestured toward the drugs. “For example, these aren’t the recommende dosages. We have gone above and beyond here because these could probably knock out a horse. Practically everything we are doing here is illegal, so if you are getting cold feet I suggest that you speak up now,” he barked.
His voice was intimidating and it made me anxious. I knew I had to act quickly, whether I liked it or not so I listened to their instructions as the nurse laid me down on the couch and started searching for a vein.
“What about infections? Or pain medicine…” I muttered, but the doctor shot me a dirty look. Clearly he was more interested in just getting this over with than trying to make me comfortable. Once again, a choice taken away.
I closed my eyes as the nurse stuck me and then felt the medicine to straight into my bloodstream as she gave me a nod and said, “At least you’re an easy stick.”
I looked toward the doctor as he was laying out his surgical tools, growing concerned as I saw that the majority of them were blades.
“How long before she is out?” the doctor asked.
“Less than two minutes,” the nurse remarked.
“Good. I’m tired of her whining.”
They told me to count backwards from one hundred.
I don’t recall making it past eighty….
I was drifting, the room spinning. Spiraling back toward the night where everything went wrong. Face meshed together and became swirls of darkness as I felt violated all over again.
This time, I felt everything. It was sharp. Rough. My body was on fire.
Somewhere amid the haze I hard noises. Voices? Not my own. And then a sound a cellphone ringing.
“Turn that thing off! And hurry up with the ice boxes!” a voice said. It sounded like the doctor. Why was he in such a hurry? And why did it feel like.:. My insides were… I couldn’t even form the words to think about what was happening…
I remember hearing my groans, soft and distant, not even recognizing my voice as my eyes slowly opened and I smelled… something burnt.
Then I realized it was my own flesh, torn apart across my belly, the way they would perform a c-section if this was a full term pregnancy.
I saw the doctor reaching his hand inside and carefully taking out something. It looked soft and squishy and covered in bodily fluids.
It took me a moment to recognize that this was part of my body as my eyes shot open and I groaned again.
“What in blazes? She’s awake!” The doctor snapped angrily.
“What… what are you doing…” I mumbled as I tried to move. My arms and legs felt so heavy. What the hell had they drugged me with?
“I told you we didn’t have enough sedative for another job,” I heard the nurse say. The entire room still felt so dark and filled with a fog.
“What are you doing to me?” I asked frantically, my voice rising as the doctor placed the small organ into a nearby ice chest.
“Jesus Christ can you please get her to shut up,” the doctor growled. The nurse walked over to my head and wiped sweat from my brow. She looked sad and guilty over what was happening, but clearly wasn’t about to stop him as he continued to slice me open.
“I think I can reach the pancreas and liver next. Have you made contact with our buyers?” the man asked. The nurse took a wet towel and stuffed it into my mouth to prevent me from screaming as their wanton massacre of my body continued.
I watched in horror as he dug inside my flesh, using his scalpels and scissors and cauterizers to carefully extract the next organ. How long I had before I blacked out from this brutality I couldn’t be sure, but I actively tried to fight it. But my body wouldn’t listen. I was as lifeless as a doll and they were destroying me to their hearts content.
“Hold on, wait,” the nurse said as she heard her phone chirp to life. I was fading in and out of consciousness as I heard her say that the buyer had changed their mind.
“They want a cornea instead,” she said as she looked down at me apologetically. I was doing everything in my power to beg with her despite the fact that my mouth was covered over.
The doctor sighed and took out the larger organ next, placing it in the sink and remarking, “Well she ain’t going to last much longer without that unless we use the glucagon… so I guess we best work quick.”
He towered over my head, grabbing the smallest scalpel he could find and pointing it toward my right eye.
“I suggest you remain still or this will be far worse than you can imagine,” he snapped.
I was struggling to move my head, spit the rag out and do something. The drugs were wearing off but not fast enough. The doctor sat on my chest and then began to cut into my eye, even as I visibly sobbed in pain.
As he sliced across the cornea, I heard a knock at my apartment door and both of them froze.
“Harriet? It’s mom!” a voice rang out. I screamed at the top of my lungs, but I doubt only a whimper came out.
“Shit. What do we do?” the nurse whispered. Mom banged on the door again. “I wanted to make sure you’re alright. I tried to call earlier and you didn’t answer your phone,” she said.
No. No I am not alright. I wanted so desperately for her to just come inside.
At the same time, I could feel my right hand beginning to flinch again. I was nearly able to move it. The doctor hadn’t noticed yet.
“Remain quiet and she will go away,” the doctor whispered as they both remained perfectly still. The blade was still deep within my eye as they waited for my mom to leave.
When finally I recognized I could actually move my hand, I acted as fast as I could and grabbed at the man’s private parts right against my chest. It was a bold and clumsy move as he fumbled backward and fell off of me, digging the scalpel into my eye at the same time as he snarled in anger.
Just loud enough for mom to hear.
“Harriet?? Harriet what’s going on? Are you okay?” she asked as she tried to desperately open the door.
“You little bitch!” the doctor screamed as the nurse frantically tried to help him. Mom was pounding on the door as I managed to take the rag out of my mouth.
“Help! Mom please hurry!!” I screamed out.
I heard her say something under her breath and then began to slam on the door, finally knocking it open.
Her eyes darted from me to the two supposed physicians and then to the organs. She knew immediately what was happening. And then the doctor lunged for her.
I was fading fast, but I heard them struggle as mom grabbed everything in her power to stop them. My world was going dark and I was thinking of how awful and devastating it was that the choices stolen from me had led to this outcome. I heard something slam against the kitchen sink and in between consciousness I saw that it was the doctor, the back of his skull bashed into the faucet. I could see all of his blood spilling out into the sink.
As he seemed to fade into unconsciousness, I heard my mom try to reason with the nurse.
“Please… my daughter needs to get to a hospital,” she begged.
“Just call 911…Won’t do her any good anyway. Lost too much blood,” I heard the nurse say.
“That’s why you have to help. They won’t make it in time…“All she wanted was an abortion. Why did you do this to her? Why?!” mom snapped.
“Times are tough for everyone. I didn’t have a choice. You think I want to be doing this?”
“And you think she did? Think about if this was your body!” Mom screamed.
The nurse didn’t reply to that question, prompting mom to take it a step further.
“Please! She is still with us! I promise I won’t turn you into the police if you help me! I can see on your face that you know you can do the right thing!!” mom said.
That was the last thing I heard as I faded to darkness.
When I woke, I was in some kind of small clinic listening to the sound of a heart monitor. I could only see out of my left eye and I saw that most of my vitals didn’t look too good.
I was barely hanging by a thread. But I was alive.
Mom was there with me, resting her head against my side as I rustled her hair and she woke, trying to hold back tears.
“Oh my god… I was so sure I lost you forever,” she whispered.
I couldn’t see how bad the scarring was under the covers, but I could feel the pain everywhere as I asked her what had happened.
“The nurse called in a favor with a paramedic. A legit one. They got you on blood and fluids as we crossed over state lines. It’s been about a day since then and they transplanted your organs to where they belong and took care of what you originally asked for.” Mom told me.
“It’s a long road to healing. Both physical and mental. But I’m here for you sweetie. I told you, you don’t have to go through this alone,” she said.
I cried softly and squeezed her hand, thankful for the support.
“I’m sorry mom,” I whispered. “Hush now. You didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t your fault,” she said as she got up and stretched, announcing she was going to get food.
I don’t know what happened to the nurse, and surprisingly mom said that the doctor somehow disappeared from my apartment as well despite his injuries. Most likely to go out and hunt for more desperate women that have had their own choice taken away from them.
My voice is just one of many. Many that are angry and outraged at the world and what’s happening.
And this time, no matter what you do; we will not be silent.
Take that and shove it in your conservative asses.