Growing up in foster care with no family, all I ever craved was a big house full of love. Children playing together happily and parents doting on them, family dinners with laughter and happy memories. This is why I chose to work as a live-in nanny/housekeeper. I had this dream that I’d find the perfect family and they’d welcome me with open arms. The children would all see me as their big sister and I could be the extra family member they never knew they needed.
I think I’ve found that now, it isn’t quite my dream that I described but I think they need me here. Whilst I wouldn’t say I’m happy, it’s not the happiest of places, I very found a family that I fit right into. It is full of love, care and compassion, just not exactly happiness.
I never found out why my parents gave me up at birth, i guess it wasn’t needed, its obvious. I tried tracking them down but they refused to see or talk to me. I think it’s out of guilt. I managed to find out that they are still together and have the perfect little family. I have 1 older sibling and 2 younger siblings that they kept. That was a kick to the gut. You see I’m exceptionally ugly. There’s no other way to say it. I look like I’ve been in a horrific accident, but I haven’t. I don’t think so anyway. I’m missing 3 fingers from my left hand, 1 finger on my right is bent right around like a twister ice lolly, the bone is visible through my skin, its really grim.
I have 1 perfect ear, the only part of my body that I like! The other one is half the size it should be, my eyes are a dull lifeless brown, not the beautiful brown eyes that most have. My nose is on the large size and crooked, I look like I’ve played 5 rounds in a boxing match with Mike Tyson. You get the idea. I’ve tried dating, it was the worst time in my life. I did get a few matches on tinder but it was mostly out of morbid curiosity. People are mean. Basically, I’m content knowing no man will ever love me and that’s OK. I don’t want a man; all I want is a family.
I do struggle to find work as a nanny, sometimes the children cry when they see me and the parents have to awkwardly ask me to leave. I’m used to it now. I’ve had a few long-term jobs with families that have been fine but it usually ended because we just weren’t a good fit.
I use a childcare website to advertise myself to potential people. I was contacted through my profile by Hayley, the eldest daughter of 8 children. She was 19 at the time and wanted a bit more freedom with her life and with her parents blessing she began to search for a live-in nanny.
I now know the real reason why they waited so long to hire help. We face timed each other a couple times and she seemed a lovely girl and was very excited to meet with me. I asked a few questions about their lives and what they’d want from me.
From our conversations I pictured a large but modest home, with some land and lots of cheerful children. Her mother was a stay-at-home parent but had an active social life. Her father was disabled, an injury from a war he had fought in. He was mostly able to look after himself but was quiet and didn’t like being disturbed too much. They live about 2 hours north of London, I’d only ever lived and worked in the city so I was looking forward to being out in the country. She kept saying I’ll fit right in their home, that they were all so looking forward to meeting me and that I should be fine, I should be fine, she said that a lot.
So as soon as my lease ended on my tiny studio flat, I packed up and jumped on the train to go and live with the Smiths. I don’t want to say their real name as you may have heard about them before, I want to keep them and myself safe.
The house was a lot bigger than I’d imagined. Almost stately home level big. I wondered what they did to afford it but one of the first things that Hayley said when I arrived was that her dad had a big payment from the army because of his injury and so they moved here 6 years ago after living in a tiny 2 bedroom council house in Manchester.
It was eerily quiet the first time I stepped foot into their home. Hayley told me that her siblings were all very shy and it would take them a few days to come and find me to say hi. They were all home schooled by her and didn’t meet new people very often. I didn’t see anyone else that first day, it was strange but I can relate to being a shy child.
Hayley showed me to my room, it was small but had a lovely bathroom, she said the house originally had 13 bathrooms and only 4 bedrooms but they had some work done and made it into a 7 bedroom house with 7 bathrooms. She seemed sad when she told me this, I heard her whisper something to herself and looking back now I understand why she was sad. She said I might want to sleep in the bath, that all the baths were super comfy and safe but that if I preferred to sleep in my bed then that’s fine too and I should be OK.
Meeting Hayley, I was surprised that she didn’t mention anything about my appearance, it was probably the first time in my life that someone didn’t have any questions about it, she didn’t even stare. It was like she saw through my ugliness and just saw me as me. She showed me around the house for a little while, it was like a maze. What a beautiful place to grow up, so many hiding spots and adventures to be had, what lucky kids. The only thing out of place was that there were no mirrors anywhere. Hayley told me that my bathroom and hers were the only places in the house with mirrors. She didn’t explain why though. She also told me that the children were very clumsy and so she had locks on almost every kitchen cupboard and drawer. Only her and I were aloud keys to open them and I must never let her mother have access to these places either. I had a lot of questions but I though I’d just wait and ask them gradually, I didn’t want to seem nosey or make her feel like a though it was odd. To her this was all probably completely normal.
Whilst Hayley was showing me the stunningly large dining room, I heard a little scuffle followed by loud laughter, it was adorable. She excitedly told me that that was probably her brother Simon. She had the biggest beaming smile when she told me about him. She explained that Simon was 3 and the youngest of the children. He was a beautiful little boy and so innocent, she spoke of him with such love like he was her child and not her sibling. She went on to say that Simon shared her bedroom and had done so almost straight after he was born because her parents were so busy and she took care of him when they couldn’t. Simon sheepishly came over to say hello to me, he hid behind Hayley and just peeked out from her with a little cheeky smile.
Hayley then cooked us all some supper. I tried to insist that I cook for everyone but she said for my first few days she’ll do the cooking so I can get a feel for the place. Only her, Simon and I ate together that first night. She told me the rest of the children and her parents will eat later on.
It was a quiet and rather dull first few days there. Hayley asked me to wait until the children feel comfortable to come to me rather than go searching for them myself. I obliged and even though I felt slightly guilty because I wasn’t doing much work, she didn’t mind at all and just let me be.
Their father James came and found me on the 2nd day. He was in a wheelchair and had a wing to himself on the ground floor with his own kitchen and library. He was quiet but very friendly, he told me about his life and his family and how grateful he was that I was there to help them all. He told of how he and his wife met and how in love they still were after all these years. He told me the history of the house; it wasn’t particularly that interesting but he showed me some paintings of the previous occupants and their families. One of the portraits was of a picture perfect couple and their two beautiful children. James told me that they had built this house sometime in the early 1900’s and that the mother’s beauty was so breath-taking that other people nearby were jealous. Someone had drunkenly set fire to the house during one of their lavish parties and it tragically killed the mother and left the father and two children covered in burn scars. The father later on became obsessed with bathrooms and large baths to keep his children safe for anymore fires. That explained the strange proportion of bathrooms to bedrooms!
It wasn’t until the evening of my 5th day there that I met another child. I was reading in my bedroom and I heard a knock at the door. It was Shelly, she was the 2nd oldest at 17. Hayley hadn’t told me anything about the rest of her siblings so it was a little bit of a shock to see that poor Shelly was missing her right arm. She was sweet though and told me how she loved to dance and do gymnastics. It was her passion until she had an accident and lost her arm.
She didn’t tell me how it happened, not that I would expect her to. She said how sometimes she pictures herself how she used to be and still loves to dance. She also loves languages and wants to be a French teacher one-day. She asked me if I was OK sleeping in my bed or if I’d tried the bath yet. I thought it a strange question and let out a little laugh. She seemed rather annoyed that I’d laughed at her and so she doubled down and asked again. I said that no, I hadn’t tried sleeping in the bath and that the bed was lovely and comfy for me. Shelly then let out a little sigh and came up close, it felt like she was staring into my soul, almost terrifying. ‘I see you, you’re kind and you’ve had a hard life, you should be fine but please, consider the bath.’ Then she hopped backwards and left.
I spent the next few days helping Shelly with her French, I was actually learning some too. Hayley liked to be outside with Simon, they had a huge vegetable garden and it took up a lot of their time.
I asked Shelly about her mother, her name is Jane, she told me that during the day she doesn’t leave her room much, she suffers with depression and cries most of the time. In the evenings though she would be busy trying to organise parties that never happened. She would sing and dance with the children, play with them and read with them but that only ever last a few hours. Once a year though she would be all dolled up and happy all day long, all the children looked forward to this day.
Shelly told me not to trust anyone at night, even her and her brothers and sisters. This made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I still hadn’t met half of them at this point. What was so wrong with the children that I shouldn’t trust them? She said that sometimes people change at night and to stay safe I needed to stay in my room and only come out if it felt like someone needed help. She said the accidents always happened at night and if something seemed too good to be true then it probably was. ‘I’m only telling you this because I can tell you’re going to be with us a while, we like you, all of us do and we want you to be happy here’.
Naturally I was terrified of what might happen to me if I stayed here any longer but I wanted to stay and help these children. If they weren’t safe then I had to push past my own fear and help them.
Hayley was with me when I met the twins, Eddy and Charles. Identical gorgeous boys aged 10. It was late evening and Hayley and I were cooking dinner together when they introduced themselves. They were a delight but I couldn’t help notice how Hayley stared at me worryingly when they came close. She seemed relieved when I just started talking to them and telling them about myself. They were really into cars and trucks, especially rubbish trucks. They told me how proud they were of their dad being a soldier and that they wanted to be soldiers like him too one-day. For the next few days, the boys would come find me in the evenings to play, they’re very sweet, it’s so sad what happened to them.
Eddy finally plucked up the courage to come and play with me during the day. He was hiding behind the door to the drawing room whilst I was in there working with Shelly. I could hear him walking towards us from behind. ‘Please don’t be scared’ he said, I stopped what I was doing, thinking he wanted to play a funny game with me but when I turned to look at him nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. Where his once handsome little face should be I could barely make out what was left. He did have both perfect piercing blue eyes, little holes where his nose should be and hardly any skin left around his mouth. I let out an audible gasp but tried to hide my shock and horror. So many questions. Shelly could see how confused I was and she just held my hand tight and said ‘we’ll discuss this later’. Eddy just wanted to come and see what we were upto. When he saw we were practicing writing in French he shrugged and said ‘boring!’ Then ran off to play.
‘The house doesn’t like beautiful people’ Hayley said so matter-of-factly. ‘Please don’t be afraid or offended but that’s how we know you’ll be OK here. We wouldn’t purposely put anyone in danger, especially someone kind enough to drop everything to come and help us’.
Nothing was making any sense to me. What happened to poor Eddy in the few hours it had been since I’d last seen him? Why were there still 3 more children I hadn’t met or even heard? I waited until it was just Hayley and I one evening, I thought as the oldest and the one who hired me that she be the one I talk to.
She knew it was time so tell me everything and that’s what she did.
She told me about how during the nights their mother isn’t herself, she turns into someone completely different. Their father doesn’t know because he’s not mobile enough to go wondering at night. Usually she’s ok. Happy and just enjoying time with them all but sometimes she will try and hurt them. She told me that Jane is obsessed with being the most beautiful person and needs to take away her own children’s beauty so they can’t outshine her. Hayley herself is a plump girl, not good looking but not bad looking either, not like me. She says because she has no natural beauty that her mother leaves her be but she’s still dangerous to be near to at night. She could decide at any time that Hayley needs to look worse and try and do something about it. The only places that their mother doesn’t go is in the bathrooms. They don’t know why but they’ll always be safe in the bathrooms. However, during the day Jane will be her complete normal self again. She has no control over what she does at night but remembers everything. She struggles knowing what she’s done and hides away from them all due to the guilt.
Hayley has managed to keep Simon safe so far. There was one close call where their mother crept into the bedroom that Hayley and Simon share and snatched Simon from his bed. Hayley woke up when she heard the screaming. Jane was trying to get Simon to crawl through a heap of barbed wire at the edge of the garden. Only it didn’t look like barbed wire, it looked like a huge pile of soft pretty flowers. Jane was able to change how things looked at night. She told Simon that it was a little game they were playing. Luckily the twins were still up at the time and when they saw their mother dragging Simon outside, they started to scream. Hayley ran out just in time and grabbed poor sobbing Simon. They now sleep in their bathroom together every night.
Shelly wasn’t so lucky. One evening their mother had set up the dining room with a stage for her to perform in front of the family. Shelly was thrilled and spent some time to create a routine where she could show her gift of dance. Jane, or whatever Jane became at night, didn’t like how beautiful Shelly was when she danced. Her grace was inspiring, she had natural talent. Her mother opened the show by presenting Shelly with a gift, a lovely diamond necklace. Jane insisted that she wears it for her performance even though it was quite heavy. Shelly stared her routine and had the biggest smile whilst she was doing it. Her siblings cheered and clapped as they watched. Just as she was coming upto the ending, she planned on showing everyone a new trick she’d learnt. A back flip followed by a barrel roll, as she jumped into the roll the necklace came undone and sliced right through her arm in one smooth swoop. It wasn’t a necklace at all, it was a machete knife with a large chain attached. If only any of them had realised what it was, perhaps Shelly would still be able to dance.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, part of me wanted to leave and never come back, I feared for my safety, but there was more.
Jane had a surprise for Eddy and Charles. She told them to keep it a secret but that they were going on an exciting outing to see some trucks. The boys were chuffed, of course they were, they loved trucks! One evening she wrapped them inside a bin liner and left them at the end of their drive. She told them to stay still and be very quiet. They did as they were told. Early the next morning Hayley and Shelly started to panic as they couldn’t find the boys anywhere. Jane, who was back to her normal self and remembered what she had done and told the girls to follow her. They ran as fast as they could to the end of their land but it was too late. The bin men had already dumped the boys into their big rubbish trucks. They got there in time to save the boys lives, maybe it would have been kinder if they’d have died though. They both spent months in the hospital with surgery after surgery to try and put their little bodies back together. They’d be severely scarred for life. Charles had lost part of his leg below the knee. I’d never realised before as he ran around so easily with his prosthetic leg.
It was a lot to take in, why were there still children I’ve not met? Why do the boys look completely normal at night?
Hayley doesn’t know why they’re back to themselves at night. But that’s why they don’t want to move away. They get to be normal again for half of their lives.
There’s a lot of love between these siblings, and their father is nothing but kind with them all.
I feel weirdly at peace here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m also scared a lot of the time. I struggle to sleep now that the twins feel comfortable with me during the day I have awful nightmares of their beautiful little faces getting mangled in that big machine.
Yes, there’s always a chance Jane could have it out for me. I think I’m safe though, as long as im careful. For the first time ever it’s a great advantage to have this ugly face and body. Hayley was searching for a perfect someone to help her protect her siblings and be here for years to come. Who knows what the children will do with their lives. But for now, we’re one big strange almost happy family. I guess I nearly got everything I’ve ever wanted. A home of happiness with a side of terror.
Next week is the first time I get to experience the annual day of happiness. I’m not sure what it will look like but its all the children have been talking about lately, they’re so excited.
But why still have I not met 3 of them?