HOUR OF THE GOAT
By Mark J Breckon
Derek meets Dr. Crane
“Ah, you must be Derek.” (Dr. Crane)
“That’s me.” (Derek)
“Please have a seat. Care for some water?” (Dr. Crane)
“Yeah.” (Derek)
Dr. Crane fills a foam cup with water from the cooler and hands it to him.
“Thanks.” (Derek)
He takes a sip and then rests his back against the leather sofa while Dr. Crane peruses the patient’s paperwork.
“So Derek, the reason for your visit today is that you are unable to recall a portion of your life, correct?” (Dr. Crane)
“Yes.” (Derek)
“Ok, and how much time are we talking about?” (Dr. Crane)
“I’d say about ten years.” (Derek)
“Really, a decade?” Dr. Crane said with some astonishment. “That is a significant lapse.” (Dr. Crane)
“Yeah I know.” (Derek)
“Well, I’m here to help you. Fortunately for you, the mind, particularly the field of memory, is a subject with which I am very familiar. So, starting off, the first question that I have for you is have you ever been to a medical professional regarding this issue?” (Dr. Crane)
“I don’t know, maybe, that’s just it, I can’t remember. I don’t even remember how I got here.” (Derek)
“Alright, so I’ll put head trauma in the maybe category.” (Dr. Crane)
“Sure.” (Derek)
“Hmm, I know there are certain conditions brought on by trauma that can impair both long and short term memory. But I think if that were the case you would be in a hospital or similar facility. You are twenty-two, correct?” (Dr. Crane)
“Yeah.” (Derek)
“Wait until you are my age; last week I nearly forgot to shift the car into park before getting out.” (Dr. Crane)
Derek replies with a mild laugh.
“Being that you are twenty-two, that means that the last memory you can recall is when you were twelve?” (Dr. Crane)
Derek nods.
“Okay, then lets…” (Dr. Crane)
“Oh and another thing,” Derek interjected. “I don’t know if this is even relevant, but…” Derek cuts short his own words.
“But what Derek?” (Dr. Crane)
“Ah, I don’t know, I mean it’s kind of stupid really.” (Derek)
“Your thoughts and feelings are anything but stupid, and what might seem trivial may actually hold the key to your problem.” (Dr. Crane)
“I guess that makes sense. I can’t recall the last ten years of my life or what I had for lunch today, but there are other things that I can remember.” (Derek)
“Oh, like what?” (Dr. Crane)
Derek adjusts his body to the contours of the sofa, and then clears his throat before continuing. “Dreams, really eerie dreams that I can’t explain from long ago like when as was ten to twelve years old.” (Derek)
“Is it the same dream reoccurring over and over again, or is each one different?” (Dr. Crane)
“They’re not exactly the same, but close to it. I’m always a lot younger, about the same age as when I had them.” (Derek)
“Any other similarities?” (Dr. Crane)
“Horror, pure horror.” (Derek)
Dreams
Dr. Crane takes a moment to write in his notepad. “Unpleasant as this might be, I think that this would be a good place in our session to begin finding the answers that you are seeking, please continue.” (Dr. Crane)
A nervous tremor moves through Derek’s hands; he clasps them together to help ease his anxiety.
“It’s okay Derek, take your time.” (Dr. Crane)
“It’s nighttime and I’m asleep in bed. Then a noise coming from across the room wakes me up. I look over at my bedroom door and notice that it is partially open. Super groggy, I just lay there for a moment. The only source of light is that coming from the moonbeams seeping in through the blinds, but something’s wrong. The light reveals unusual shapes.’
“I try to get up and turn on the light to see what these things are, but I can’t, I’m paralyzed with exhaustion. I can’t move my arms or my legs, I can’t even speak. Only my eyes are allowed to roam around the darkness. They shift back and forth in a frenzied panic unsure of who or what is in the room with me. Then my attention switches back to the door when I hear the unnerving sound of door hinges groaning; slowly, the door opens wider and wider. It’s too dark to see who’s standing there, but whoever it is I can feel them watching me.’
“Suddenly, a candle flame appears in the doorway, and a figure holding a red candle walks in. The tiny flame exposes a grotesque and twisted face bulging from a hooded cloak; it’s horrifying. Then those unusual shapes step forward, and they too are hideous. Choked by fear, I can hardly breathe. Then they grab hold of me and force my hands together and bind them with a belt or rope; whichever, I don’t remember.” (Derek)
“What happened next?” (Dr. Crane)
“After I was bound, they began rubbing their hands all over my body. I can’t resist or scream for help; that’s where it ended.” (Derek)
Derek leans forward to take a sip of water.
“That’s quite a nightmare.” (Dr. Crane)
“Apparently, my mind couldn’t distinguish dream from reality because when I woke up, my sheets would be soaked in sweat, even urine. No lie, I had to wear adult diapers to bed, which I was mercilessly teased for by my brother Greg. Can a dream be so vivid, seem so real that a person could feel actual pain from what was happening to them?” (Derek)
“The wards of the mind are infinite and complex, and if it believes that pain is occurring than psychosomatic symptoms will inevitably follow. Some parapsychologists hypothesize that in extreme circumstances the mind has the capability of producing actual physical trauma, but that is a theory that prefer to avoid.” (Dr. Crane)
“Mom use to say that she would find me in bed shaking so hard that she was convinced that I was having a seizure, flopping around like fish out of water; arms and legs flailing every which direction.” (Derek)
“Were any injuries sustained during these hypnopompic events?” (Dr. Crane)
“Hypnopompic?” (Derek)
“It means the state of semi consciousness from sleep to wakefulness.” Dr. Crane clarified.
“Well yeah, I’d find bruises, small scratches, and even finger nail dents in my skin. Mom threatened to make me wear a strait jacket to bed if it didn’t stop; I think she was afraid that CPS would be called. We had our differences, but at least she tried to make me feel better about the whole thing. ‘It’s just a phase that all children go through before becoming adults’ She once told me. For a while I believed that it was just a phase, but now I know it wasn’t.” (Derek)
“There’s nothing like a mother’s love.” Dr. Crane said with a smile. “By chance, did anyone get this on video for observation purposes?”
“No, I don’t think anyone thought of that. Mom did take me to a neuro-specialist, but even they hit a wall with it. All of the tests came back fine.” (Derek)
“Indeed, this appears to be more psychological or emotional in nature rather than a neurological disorder or injury, and is perhaps the cause for the nightmares and loss of memory. Aside from going to a neurologist, were you ever taken to a therapist about this?” (Dr. Crane)
Derek lays out the explanation with apprehension. “Ah, well no. I think the neuro-specialist did recommend a psychologist, but she never took me.” Mom kind of mistrusts them. To my understanding, she believes that people in your profession are only interested in padding their wallets.” (Derek)
Dr. Crane cocked his head back in surprise. He then ponders for a moment on what to say next. “Hmm, she’s both right and wrong. Under the care of a reckless therapist, a person can be cajoled into believing a false interpretation, leaving them in state of perpetual therapy ‘padding the wallet’. Lucky for you, I am not one of those “quacks”. (Derek)
“Dreams and the subconscious are two areas in my profession that I find interesting and useful when it comes to unlocking those inner doors. But right now, what I’d like to do is digress for a moment and talk about your family, if it’s alright with you?”
“Sure” (Derek)
“Good, then let’s begin with your mother. To the best of your recollection, how would you describe your relationship with her?” (Dr. Crane)
Mother and Brother
“Ah, I’d say average.” (Derek)
“Just average?” (Dr. Crane)
“It had its ups and downs. Mom is or was an accountant for a small firm; her job can be demanding at times.” (Derek)
“What about on her days off?” (Dr. Crane)
“Well, even then Greg got most of the attention.” (Derek)
“Why do you think that was?” (Crane)
“I don’t know, she loved him more?” Derek said jokingly. (Derek)
“The feeling of a lack of affection or validation is common among siblings, and if it is not addressed it will inevitably lead to depression, emotional isolation, that will result in animosity. Now, is Greg older or younger than you?” (Dr. Crane)
“Older.” (Derek)
“Typical big brother?” (Dr. Crane)
“Try typical asshole.” (Derek)
“It sounds like he wasn’t very nice to you.” (Dr. Crane)
“Yeah, and he earned it. I endured a lot of abuse from him. Greg never missed an opportunity to hit or shove me, or degrade me with insults.” (Derek)
“Was your mother aware of his behavior towards you?” (Dr. Crane)
“Oh of course, and he’d get punished, but after a while the punishments wouldn’t stick. Like the time she took away his phone and grounded him for two weeks, but then later that night in bed I noticed the glow of his phone. He just looked at me with a smirk.”
“She once told me, ‘With your father gone he’s the man of the house now.’” (Mother/Derek)
“Man of the house, really? I wanted to tell her what the fuck does that have to do with anything? So that gives him allowance to torment me?’ Whatever.” (Derek)
“Derek, can you give me an example of his typical big brother behavior?” (Dr. Crane)
“Yeah, one morning, while Greg was applying some pit stick, he paused, looked at me in the mirror, and called me a name. The insult was totally lame and not a big deal, but what hurt me was hearing mom laughing. It wasn’t a long laugh; more like a laugh quickly muffled by a hand.” (Derek)
“Could she have been laughing at something else?” (Dr. Crane)
Derek shook his head no.
“When I walked out of the room, I saw her sitting on the edge of her bed drinking a glass of red wine. Her eyes told the truth; she heard the insult too.” (Derek)
“It’s hard to know where to turn to when the person that you are supposed to be able to trust acts like that.” (Dr. Crane)
“I can’t completely blame mom, it was her way of dealing with him. ‘Let him have his fun, better than dealing with his anger.’” (Derek/Mother)
“She was right, to a point. Greg’s temper even intimidated adults; his teachers hated him. Grandma knew how to control his temper.” (Derek)
“Your grandma did?” (Dr. Crane)
“I seriously think Greg was intimidated by her. I mean he acted like a whole different person around her. It was odd, almost uncomfortable to watch him coddle her every need. ‘Need a pillow grandma?’ ‘Want your feet rubbed grandma?’” (Derek/Greg)
“I don’t know what was worse, the fakeness or the strutting around in his boxers and tank top or no top, all oiled up and showing off. And of course both mom and grandma would praise him for keeping so fit. I thought to myself bro what are you doing?’ He didn’t start acting like a kiss-ass phony until high school.” (Derek)
“So he worked out a lot?” (Dr. Crane)
“Total gym rat. One time, when grandma spent the weekend at our house; I sensed another revolting runway show looming on the horizon, so I decided to add a little motor oil in with his coconut oil.’ From the moment he put it on he knew something was wrong. I watched as his face puckered and frowned; I nearly pissed my pants with laughter. I prepared myself for the beating of a lifetime, but didn’t care, it was worth it. The thing is the beating never came, not a punch or even an insult.” (Derek)
“That was good, right?” (Dr. Crane)
“I wish he had hit me or called me a name. Instead he…” (Derek)
“What? What did he do Derek?” (Dr. Crane)
Derek feels his stomach turning as he thought about it. Finally he answers him.
“He, he pressed me up against the wall and began twisting my nipples. I tried pushing him off, but he was too strong.” (Derek)
“‘You know this turns you on; you little wimp!’ he whispered to me.” (Greg/Derek)
Derek struggles to continue.
“He, he then kissed me on the mouth.” (Derek)
Dr. Crane postures himself back against his chair.
“Your brother kissed you on the mouth?” (Dr. Crane)
Derek sighs
“I felt so violated. I just wanted to shed my skin like a snake and leave the shame on the ground. The worst part about it was that it was my brother, my own brother.” (Derek)
He pauses to reflect on the incident. A respite in Dr. Crane’s questions allows Derek time to process and continue willingly.
“What happened next?” (Dr. Crane)
“I don’t know; the sick fucker walked away. Couldn’t move; I’m not even sure how long I stood there. Later on after the initial shock wore off, I plunged my face into my pillow and bawled.” (Derek)
“Did you tell your mother or someone?” (Dr. Crane)
“Why bother, he would’ve just denied doing it, or worse confess and nothing would’ve been done. I could imagine mom saying to me, ‘You started it by messing with his oil, don’t instigate him if you can’t handle the consequences.’ Anyway, it was way too embarrassing for me to tell anyone. I didn’t want to believe that it happened at all, and that the retelling of it would make it real. Ultimately, I felt denial was the best remedy.” (Derek)
“To some, a person’s rights and dignity are mere abstractions to be trundled aside. It is worse if it comes from a family member especially one so close. I have to ask, was he under the influence of any medication or illicit drugs that you know of?” (Dr. Crane)
Derek takes a moment to think about it.
“Not that I’m aware of. If anything, insomnia was probably the cause of his sick behavior. He’d sleep for a few hours, wake up and go prowling around the house for the rest of the night either watching TV or lifting weights.” (Derek)
“Lack of sleep can do that, alter one’s behavior.” (Dr. Crane)
“More like mutate in his case.” (Derek)
“What do mean?” (Dr. Crane)
“About two or three nights later, after that disgusting kiss, I saw him coming out of mom’s room just as I was leaving the bathroom, wearing a long sleeve flannel shirt; the same kind that our dad wore.” (Derek)
“‘Greg, the shirt.’ She said.” (Mother/Derek)
“He removed the shirt, handed it to her, and then went to back to bed. I don’t think he noticed me, or if he did he didn’t say anything. I asked mom about it the next morning. She sat me down, laid her hand upon mine and explained it to me.” (Derek)
“Aside from us, the shirt is the only thing he left behind. It’s a silly hope really, but maybe it is reason enough for your dad to come home and get it, and when he does, he’ll realize that he made a mistake and that we’ll be a whole family again.” (Mother)
“I asked her why Greg was wearing it last night. That’s when her grip grew tighter and squeezed my fingers until they turned purple.” (Derek)
“I’m going to tell you something that you cannot tell anyone else, do you promise?” (Mother)
“I gave her my word and listened.”(Derek)
“As you know, your brother has trouble sleeping from time to time. The pressures of high school, friends, girlfriends, can be a lot for a boy his age. He needs a way to express his worries, his frustrations that only a mother’s love and understanding can provide. He also needs uninterrupted sleep; with your nightmares keeping him up at night, it’s a wonder that he can even stand. As a mom, it’s my job to do all that I can to help my children.’ (Mother)
“But being a single mom, it’s hard to keep a teenage boy from indulging in juvenile antics without the help of a male role model, so I’m thankful to have my mom to turn to when things get out of control. And I know that you both miss your father; I miss him too.’ (Mother)
“His absence has left a hole in our lives, especially Greg’s, who is having a very difficult time handling it, and last night was one of those times. When he couldn’t sleep he came into my room and stood in the doorway with tears in his eyes. I held him as he cried on my shoulder. He then asked if he could wear dad’s shirt. After putting it on he collapsed into my arms, where I held him until he was calm again. Yes, he can be rude and obnoxious, but he can also be sensitive and sweet. In a sense, wearing the shirt is his way of still feeling connected to him; do you understand what I mean?” (Mother)
“I think so.” (Derek)
“I hope so. I’m just trying my best to do what I think is right.” (Mother)
“There, I think I nailed it. I had to fill in a few words of my own here and there, but close enough. Anyway, I thought to myself dad or no dad; I don’t act like that and never will.” (Derek)
Father
Dr. Crane quickly jots something down in his pad before continuing.
“Your father, may I ask where he was during this difficult period in your life?” (Dr. Crane)
The question evokes a brief silence in Derek.
“If this is a sensitive topic for you, we can move on or come back to it another time.” (Dr. Crane)
“No.” (Derek)
Derek said softly before clearing his throat.
“He abandoned our family. At least that’s what the police concluded when they hit a dead end.” (Derek)
“And what do you believe happened to him?” (Dr. Crane)
“I believe that the police did a fairly thorough investigation but missed something along the way, a clue or a witness to his disappearance. I was four when he went missing. The image of metal hangers strewn across the bedroom floor is still fresh in my mind. All of his clothes were gone, along with a suitcase from what mom said. I suppose that’s all a man needs to start a new life.” (Derek)
‘But you would think that if a person were to just up and leave that they would at least take their car with them.” (Derek)
“He left his car?” (Dr. Crane)
“Yeah, it was still parked in the same stall as it was the day before. He hadn’t gone to work, and none of his friends had seen him either, or had any idea where he was or could have gone to, or why he would even leave. He was a hardworking man who loved his family. That’s what puzzles me the most; a true family man with no enemies and lots of friends.” (Derek)
“I know it was especially hard on mom; she did what she could to keep us afloat. Even grandma was there when we needed her. She didn’t have a clue as to what happened to him; she simply told us that he found a new life elsewhere. What else do you tell a child?” (Derek)
“Not much else. The excruciating question then becomes would it be easier for us to mourn the dead or go on hoping that one day the missing will come back to us. On one hand if he were deceased then it becomes final, and the stages of grief would come to pass, leaving you and your family with acceptance. On the other hand in a situation where the individual has been missing for a long time, hope remains as the primary sentiment.” (Dr. Crane)
“Perhaps after x amount of time passes, they do return home, but until then, hope is just a euphemism for perpetual uncertainty. I apologize for interrupting; is there anything more you would like to say about your father?” (Dr. Crane)
Father and Dream
“Kinda, I mean maybe it’s not worth mentioning but years after his disappearance, I had a dream of him, and for whatever reason I always felt that it was more than a dream, like it was a message from him.” (Derek)
“That is interesting. Tell me about this dream.” (Dr. Crane)
“So it starts out where he and I were walking along this wooded trail sometime around the end of fall. We were laughing and having a good time until we heard the sound of leaves being trampled under a weight that was not our own.” (Derek)
“We then stopped and turned around. Standing there looking at us was a goat, a black goat. Its presence made me feel uneasy, but I extended my hand anyway in a gesture of friendliness as you would a dog, but dad lowered my arm and told me to keep moving. We turned back around and started walking, and again we heard its footsteps.” (Derek)
“Eyes forward and don’t stop.” (Father)
“He said in a firm voice. I don’t know where we were going, but his focus grew more nervous with each stride. Then the air began to thicken with a light fog.” (Derek)
“Eyes forward.” (Father)
“But I didn’t listen and looked back anyway. When I did, I wished that I hadn’t; the goat was no longer on all fours; it was on its hind legs, walking towards us.” (Derek)
“Eyes forward!” (Father)
“He shouted. It unleashed a hideous bray, causing me to look back again and I saw dark red foam oozing from its mouth. Dad grabbed me by the wrist and quickened his pace. Off to the left of the path I could see the head of another goat peeking out from the mist, and it too began to run on two legs and chase us. Then more goats appeared, and they brayed with mouths full of blood. In our rush to escape, I tripped over a rock or a root or something, but if it wasn’t for dad’s firm grip on my hand, I would have fallen.” (Derek)
“Run Derek, run faster and wake up, wake up!” (Father)
“But blocking our escape there was another goat. Dad let go of my hand and charged at it, but the goat began to melt into black puddle that turned into a hole. I cried out to warn him but it was too late, he fell in and disappeared.” (Derek)
“Hole was the wrong word to use, a hole has walls; this was a void, a bottomless pit to some dark dimension. I called down to dad, but no answer, just silence, even the braying had stopped. I started crying; then all around me I heard the sound of leaves crackling, and when I looked up, I was surrounded. They stood there, gnashing at their bloody cud, and in a chorus of brays they attacked me; that’s when I woke up.” (Derek)
“Gives me the fucking creeps just thinking about it. I know it was only dream, but what are the chances of me having this dream and then he goes missing the next day?” (Derek)
“That depends. What we perceive as just a dream could really be insight into something else.” (Dr. Crane)
“Like what?” (Derek)
“Well for starters certain events could trigger it. Maybe it was something that you saw on television, or perhaps sometime before his disappearance your parents had an argument and you inadvertently heard him say I’m leaving, or possibly on a metaphysical level, an abstracted premonition.” (Dr. Crane)
“Most of the tv programs I watched at that age were either G rated or PG, and I don’t remember any arguments, but I can’t be entirely sure about that. As far as premonitions, fortunetelling, the stars holding our fate, I don’t know; I really don’t believe in that kind of stuff. (Derek)
“Like the universe, the doorways of the mind are mysterious.” (Dr. Crane)