Kids, I think it’s time I sat you down and told you the story of how I met your mother.
I KNOW, I KNOW, but calm your childish glee for just one moment and allow me to paint for you a canvas. One of action and adventure! But also of loneliness, depravity and cockroaches. This was the life of I, YOUR FATHER! THE MAN YOU SEE BEFORE YOU WHOSE LOINS PLANTED THE SEED THAT BORE THE FRUIT THAT IS YOU! MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN!
No, no, this is important to the story. Hush now!
Your mother was a beautiful, bountiful woman of fair skin and thick, lively hair. But then, you know that, as she is alive and currently preparing our dinner. So what did a slinking, devilish wretch such as myself do to deserve such a prize as the buxom, glowing picture of worldly humility who currently prepares our night’s sustenance?!
HUSH NOW I SAY, for my ears are â̶̝̊͝c̵͔͈̋́̽c̷̖̺͑ù̶̺̮͝t̸͔̰̬̀̚ȇ̸̦̥̩ly attuned to the sound of her voice! If what you have so slyly declared were true, and our dinner were IN FACT ready for us, I WOULD KNOW. YOU CANNOT FOOL YOUR FATHER!
Where was I? AH YES.
THE FEAT OF GREAT STRENGTH, DEXTERITY, AND FORCE OF SHEER Ẁ̷̡̡̧̳͓̩͓̤̗̤̘̱̩̫̟̳͖̖͖͇̖͈̹̭͉̟̩̯͓̳̈́̄̇̔͜͝ͅͅI̸̡̢͍̫͙̼͎̼̠̩̥̺̗̦̙̗̹̘̝̺͔̜̰̥̠̗̗̥̳͔͑̈̋͛̍̍͐̂̃̓̒̾̇͒̿̏͝͠͝͠L̷͖̮̽̂̂́̔̐̈̒̂͐̓̄̒͆́̕͝L̷̘͚̲̣̰̤̱̲͙̙̼̬̒͋̍̓̇ that I, HE WHO SPAWNED YOU, performed in order to prove to your mother that my intentions were pure, and that I was TRULY a MAN worth her spirit!
Did you ever hear the tale of the monstrous one whose name was P̵̡̹̯̳̥̬͕̗͍̲̪͓͇͙͋̊̑̾͑ͅH̴̡̨̛̙̯̦͓͇̣̼̻̰̥̫̟͙̫̣̣̠̤̖̞̙͇̞̘̹̪͌̔̎̄̂̂̊̎̈́͗̐͊̆̈́͜͠͠͠I̷̛̖͙̪̬͖͎͈͈̼̟͕̼̜̙̥̼͕̦̦̲͎̜̮̪̲̖̲̹̜͈̖͙͔͖̰͇̞̲̙̗̾͐̈́̈́̂̓͌̀̋̀̀̇͂̾͗̚̕̕͜͠Ļ̴̧̡̡̨̨̛͚̤̝̼̪͎͙͕̳̘̥̦̳̣̩̝̟̯̥̤̮̙̝̪̺͇̜̻̫̙̱̼͐̄̇͊̇̎̑̈́͒͗̀̉́͋̈́̐͐̽͑͌̑̉̉͜͜͠͝͝ͅL̶̙̻͓̰͍͚̞̦̘͔͕͓̗̣͖̪͍̣̯͈̺̩̗͚̺̥̑̿̽̂̓̈͛̓̈́̾̈̏͗̊̓͑̽̌̌͑͊͒̎͒͠ͅI̷̡̡͈͈̝̘͙͔̖̹̙̦̻̟̰̯̹͍̱̗͈͓͎̙̲̣̬͓̯̹͐̍̉̔͆͑͘P̵̢̢͎̳̺̟̗̈́̀̀̾͆̃̇̌͌̇̿̃͋͂̄̈́͐̋̀̕͘?̵̨̢̡̧̢̟̲̻̮̣͖͖̞̜̻̯͙̭̥̳̼̠̩͖̝̰̠̮̦̟̦͉̹̠͇̙͊̉̽̒̾̋͐̎͋̆̆͘̚͜͝ͅ
Yes,It is with a vicious and deleterious tongue that I even SPIT his name.
YOU HAVEN’T? Well that makes sense, as I have never told you!
But on THIS, THE NIGHT OF YOUR THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAYS, the time has come for you to hear of his wicked, l̶͚̦͙̤͍͛̔̎͘͠͠u̷̧̨̮̞̭͈̬͖̻̳̿̑̾́̕͠ć̴̗̲͎̼̺i̴͓͖͖̰̬̥̮̭̱͋͆̄̉̓̃̿͘̚͘ḑ̵̡̧̛̪̟̣̣͚̾̐į̴͔̬͙̼͆̈͋̏̕͝v̷̧͉̤͉̲̤͚̖͙͙̔̓̄̋̈́̐o̶͔̞̺͇͚̫̘̳̞̝͂̈͗̈́̅͆ų̷̣̪̰͎̲͍̞́̎̿̿́̅̕͠s̶̭̘̉̓̃̾͑͆̚ acts, and how bearing witness to his UNDERWORDLY FILTH led to the circumstances which sired you!
I apologize, my tiny ones! Do not be frightened, for I am YOUR FATHER, AND HAVE SWORN NEVER TO ACT IN ANY WAY WHICH COULD HARM YOU, AND THEREBY BRING HER SADNESS. I will calm myself, so that the distortions in your perception will alarm you no longer.
For you see, I did not always wish for the companionship of mortals. It was through great personal strife, anguish, and a s e e m i n g l y e n d l e s s c y c l e o f t o r m e n t e d s e l f - m a n i p u l a t i o n that I learned to love just one; YOUR RADIANT MOTHER!
It began as it always did. A Bump in the night. A C REEEEAEEEAK from the floorboards in the attic. I was merely watching, as I was want to do. I could do it QUITE proficiently, in-fact. Over the MANY YEARS of my watching, I had developed a knack so strong that I could SLIIIP BETWEEN THE WALLS, where the SHADOWS are DARKEST, and watch to my soul’s content. If I watched intently enough, and for long enough, they could even begin to see ME. This made them… untoward.
I could watch many at once, AND OH BELIEVE YOU ME, I DID.
THOUSANDS.
MILLIONS.
OH how many I ẁ̵̪̼̤͙̞̳̞̳͕̊͊̏̇̇̽͛̑͘ä̵̢̞͇̣̫̣͇̜́̎̃̈̀̓t̴͙͈͕̗̜͓̘̯̀̆̐̓̈̾̓̋̕c̵̡̠͉͖͚̞̺̰͖̗̞̒̓̇̆̈́̋̈̂͝h̸̡̢̲͈̻̣̱̠͎͖̦͈̒͐̃̊͐̃̑́̇͗̌̓͆͘͝e̵̠͖̼̖͎͓̺͙͔̝̞̠̖̪͐̿̆͐̀̀̌̐͘͝͝d̵̨̙̗̤̦̻̫̬̼͓̦̻͔̦̑̆
Until that night, of course. I had found myself watching, and for what felt like millenia. This one, however… was so different from the others. She had long since begun to witness me. MY FORM, you may be curious to discover, was not as it was before you this day. THE DAY OF YOUR THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAYS! THE MOST WONEROUS COMING OF THE DAY UPON WHICH Y̷̟͉̙̝̓O̶̫̟͓̻͖̒̅̒̄̔͒͝͝Ű̵̠̰ Ǐ̵̡͙̘͙̗̗̦͔̲̅͗͑̈́̀̂́͑͊̓̀͊̕̕Ṉ̵̡̨̨̖̟̰̩͕͕̥̬͈͕͕̓̒̀̌̀̈́͗͗̊̈́̋̊̊̉͛́H̵̨̢̫̘͔̟̦̳̠̯̅͒̋̎͒́͌̒̈́͛͂̅̌̑̇̚È̴̗̘̦̍̔̿R̶̢͈̿E̵̜̦̤̿̔͗͌̕̚̕T̴̨͇͓̉͐̓͑̽̊͐͌͠ ̵̧͎̖̝͍̖͖̩̼͖͂͆̽̇́̎ͅÝ̴̺̖͓̟͎̜͚͙̹͍͍̳̱̤̐͛͊̽̽ͅO̶̟͔̱̰̰̿̐̒͊̾̍̇͋̅̔̕Ü̶̧͎̣͇̩̩̲̞̼̮͔͇̖͒̐̏̇̈́̌̅̆̑́̀Ṟ̶̡̧̳͍͔̪͙͚̹̂̅̽͛͆̈́̎͗̽̏̚͝–.
..HAH! I lost my composure again, FORESHAME ON YOUR FATHER!
What I meant to say, is that your father was… not the man that he is today when your mother first saw him. He was scarcely even a ‘he’ at all. Just a long tall shadow and a face that should have made your mother weep. And yet, she didn’t.
For you see, now is where PHILLIP comes into this tale– because it turned out I was not the monster which your mother feared.
With a blackened, smoky tongue he would arrive in the night– knocking your mother’s front door nearly from its hinges with his putrid meaty fists. Shouting incoherent accusations between garbled grunting– his breath smelled of FUEL which propelled long, sharp vehicles. Brutally, he struck– over and over as though she wasn’t a woman. To him, she was just like the door. Something in his way which needed striking.
Every night, her gaze would drift to me as he would subject her.
And in her eyes, I saw something – I FELT something.
This was extremely unusual. Not only did those who met my gaze seem to quite dislike it, but I certainly had never FELT anything for any of them other than dark, ominous k̴̡͔̺̟͓̖̩͍͍̆̽̽͒̾͠ń̸̝̏̌̑̄͐̏͝o̵͍̝͗͆̄͋̃̔̇w̸̖̾̾ị̴̡̛̞̝̖͊̌̐͐̓̚͝ͅñ̸͜g̵̨͚̲͉͠.
And yet, here was I! THE MANIFEST FORM OF YOUR FATHER! FEELING for YOUR MOTHER– that she must have done nothing which could warrant not only the torment of MY presence, but ALSO the SHEER INHUMANITY of Ṗ̸̡̡̛͚͈͈̙̜̗̞̥̜͔̘̼̪͜͠H̷̡̛̛͑̽̃͆͗̇̄̀͗̎̈̿́̿̃̈́͠Ì̷̢̛̭̗̮̞͓̳̥̰̜̤̲̻̭̦͉͎̔͌͌̅͂̊͘͜L̶̨̧̧̯͖͚̩̭̝̻͍̖͚̜͈̻͈͔͕̖̱̮̞̙̥̉̾̐̓͆͌̍̓̉̌̈́́͌̀́̈́̔̆̄̚͝͝Ļ̴̧̛̛͚̮̲͉̯̱̟̦͖̙̮͇͖̤͍͎͎͎̪̭͔́̀̋̓̔͆̄̂̀͗̉͑̍̾̔͗͌̑̂͗͒͂͊̒̕͘͘͠ͅĮ̵̢̩͉̞̩̰̺̺̜͈̰̫͕̝̠͗̓̑͂͂͜͠P̴̨̥̙͕͍̞̬̦̫̞̰̤͉̖͕̜̼͔̍͋̐̈́͐̽̈̇̊̿̔̓̆̆̓̌̈́̅̾͐̅̆̔̍̓̀͊̕͝͝.
…That she deserved no more torment at all.
And in that instant, I felt yet another thing. A thing which I had never felt before and have never felt since:
HATRED.
I Ḧ̶̛̱́̆̍̆̊́̈́̀̀̐̑̀̃̋̀̈́͘͝͠͠A̵͉͍̙̞͕͓̻̠͖͗͂̅̅̄̓̈́̇͋͛͂͗̚̕͝T̴̨̡͔̗̬̣̳̯͉̣͓̺̩̒̋̽͊̇͊̎̇̾͂͑̊̽̇͂͝Ȩ̴̖͙̺̠̥̒̄̆̓͂̿̆̌͠D̵̨̡̘͔͔̪͔̞͙͈̮͖̖̞̤̦͛̉͂̓̃̐̄̌̍͒̊̿̓̚͠ P̷̧̧̨̡̫̞̻̥̣͓̱͔̫̮̹̰͇̦̣͚̭̰̞̠̠̗̻̓͑̒̉̓Ĥ̶̡̡̧̧̢̛͕̻̲̝̗̱͖͕̮̭̪̙͓̼̺̫̪͈͕̺̆̉͂̀̈̐̾̔̍̏̂̍̑̎͂̃͛̿͋͊̈̿̒͌̕͘͝ͅI̷̢̢̢̢̘̹̩͔̖͇̺̰̪̤̼͍̰̘̮̻̦͚͇͚͉̦̹̮͇̲̬̞̩͔͓̲͆͜͜ͅͅͅͅĻ̴̧̨̢̧̹͉̱̟͙̳͖͕̖̗̞͎̫̠̭̤̻̪͙͓̫̤̝̘̠͙̯͍͇̗̦̘̳̙͙̠͊̔̋͊̄̉̈́̄͘͝͝L̷͈̦̣̭͓̉͐͑̆͒̚Ị̶̡̙̳͈̯̣̖̣͉̬̻͇̳̼̦̤̪̹̯̥͈̻̩̖̯̪͈̤̫̙̘̒̌̒͆̾̈́̇͊͊͊͊̓͌̎͜͜͜͝͠͝ͅͅP̶̡̢̛̮͈̯̟͖͉͙̼̲̱̼̩͉̬͖͓͙̘̩̗̯̮̗͇̺̈́͊͒̋̈́̿̿̑̑̂͗́̄̀̀̿͆̔͊͐́̉́͆͜͠͝͝ͅ.
And from that hatred grew my appendages.
MANY of them
so many it blocked out ǎ̸̢͙͚̭͆̈̅͠ļ̸̡͖̝͉̱̎̎͛͘͠͝l̷̘̰̥͈̭͑̍͋́͋̿̍ ̸͕̩̳̱͔̾̿͋́̎ͅͅẗ̴̜͍͚͕̖́̾̆́͘͜ͅẖ̶̰͇̫̿̚͜ễ̷̛̲͓̖͓͍͑́͗̀ ̷̼͖̱̬̣̊͐̓̊͊͋͑ļ̷͕̹͇͕̰̅̌͒̄͋̈́į̶̛̳̬̳̙̟̀͛̈̈́̒̅ģ̴̩͍̺̬̔̏͆́̀̍͝h̵̘͖̤̮͓͍̒̉̒̓͊͛͝t̷͔̣̮͉̟̽̍̈̾͘͠ͅͅ …
…
…And when the darkness, the shade of my being had finally subsided, PHILLIP was no more. There was ONLY I!^(focusedallofmyintentionandbecame)YOUR FATHER, and THANKFULLY, ALSO YOUR MOTHER! She cried for a moment, and yet she was smiling – relieved, even. She reached out and touched my face…
…It brought me such anguish in the first moments. A being so innocent and pure who was so afraid for so long, reaching out and touching me– bestowing her gratitude upon me.
She could not conceive of the eternities that I spent in her embrace. Her touch simultaneously torturing and taming me. Her gaze simultaneously rending and restoring me. Her love searing into me.
…CHANGING me.
In that infinity– which must have felt like no time at all to her– all that I was felt like it had been washed away by ancient storms. Not eroded, but washed clean– transformed.
…And I became your father.
“HONEY! KIDS! DINNER’S READY. WASH UP FIRST!”
“…”
“…Actually Mom, can you hold on five more minutes?”
“Yeah, Dad’s actually telling us a pretty cool story.”