I married Elise 7 years ago, and ever since then, she’s clung to me like glue.
I found her undying commitment cute at first- especially since she had been so distant when we first started dating. In fact, I was convinced she’d deny my proposal. Not because she didn’t love me, she just hated the concept of making grand gestures just to prove you loved someone. It was rare for us to even go out on a true date, let alone a fancy one. When I told her I’d made a reservation at the best place in town, she raised an eyebrow and asked, “Why’d you do that? I don’t want to pay a hundred dollars on an entree I can fit into a wine glass.”
But somehow, when I dropped to my knee on the back patio and pulled out a ring, she melted into my arms while promising she’d love me forever, for all of her life and even beyond.
Even before we were officially wed, she started to hang around me more. She’d show up at my workplace during lunch. She’d show up to our dates wearing her fanciest clothes. She’d show up at my door without them.
We moved in together about three months before the actual day just to get a bit more used to being around each other every day, and I found that anytime we were home at the same time, we were in the same room.
And I really didn’t mind it, because I’d never really had anyone there for me. Even when I was young, my parents both worked odd hours and decided I was mature enough to take care of myself when I turned 8. So having Elise constantly near, listening, and talking was nice. I never even knew how many things I wanted to say until I had someone listening to me.
And she really did listen- if I mentioned that my coworker Gizzlebob was being rude to me on Tuesday, she’d ask me about it again on Thursday. I told her about this stupid little stuffed calico I lost when I was 11, and two weeks later an exact replica was sitting on my pillow.
But about two years after our marriage, I found myself growing aggravated by her seemingly perpetual presence. I never had any time to myself. If I was playing a game, she was looking over my shoulder and making comments about my skill. If I was on a call with my friends, she would tell me to say that she said hi. She even changed her hours to be the same as mine, so I didn’t even get to have a half hour to myself at night.
I started staying late- or at least that was what I told her. In reality, I hopped over to the nearest park for an hour or so just so I could sit for a second and collect my own thoughts. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that she was too much. I didn’t want her to think I didn’t love her because I did. I loved her more than anything else in the world, but I just needed some space.
Eventually, though, I made the mistake of confiding my feelings to my friend. I told him I didn’t want him to tell anyone, especially not his wife.
Of course, he didn’t listen.
Less than a week later, Elise asked if I would talk to her about something. Of course, I said yes. Even though I hadn’t thought she would’ve found out in a week, I knew she would eventually. I had a speech prepared and started to recite it to her before she cut me off.
“I’m going to start working a later shift at the hospital. 12 to 8. I’ll see you in the morning and at night. Now you’ll have three hours in the afternoon to yourself, and I’ll have three hours in the morning. You won’t have to go to the park, and I’ll be able to sleep later.”
When she said that, she didn’t really sound upset. But she was far from happy. I tried to explain that I had no problem with her, but she just slipped on her headphones and left to go for a jog.
The first month was weird, but eventually, it began improving. I actually had things to tell her, and she started picking up hobbies and befriending her coworkers. And now that we weren’t constantly together, we began missing each other during the day. There were days I would glance at the clock so often that it hadn’t even been a minute since I last checked. Almost every day I would greet her at the door with a hug and a kiss, and we’d get to talk about some of the things we did on our own. I’d tell her how I beat that one level of a video game I’d been stuck on for a week, and she’d tell me that she finally started to try painting landscapes instead of just sketching them.
With our different schedules, we also began having better meals- she had plenty of time before work in the morning, so she’d make all sorts of breakfasts for us. A nice plate of pancakes before work was ten times better than a frozen egg sandwich. And since I got home three hours before her, I made started making dinner every day and discovered that I really enjoyed cooking.
It was perfect for the longest time, but after March, everything changed. Everyone always says that spring brings new life and love, but I can’t believe that.
Elise is always around anymore. She doesn’t even leave when I do- she just stands over me at work all day, occasionally making comments about how well or horribly I’m doing. I can feel her fingers stabbing into my shoulder when she leans over to point out a grammar mistake I made, or point out the numbers I’m looking for.
I’ve grown to dread eating- It’s bad enough to have her behind me, or next to me, but it’s even worse when she’s across from me. I hate looking at her pale face and her skinny frame. I hate her intent stare, and I hate that I feel that way about the woman I married.
She loves to offer to help me with cleanup after, but of course, I can’t accept. I hate it when I crawl into bed at night and she follows, talking and flirting like nothing’s wrong.
And I feel shitty for not loving how much she loves me. I feel bad about closing the door on her, and I feel bad for trying everything to escape. I hate telling her “I love you” when I don’t. I hate how much she tells me she loves me. I know any other person would love her. Love to have a woman that loves them no matter what.
And I hate that I hate her. I don’t want to hate her. I used to tell her I would move mountains for her. And I would have. I would have done anything for her.
It was just so much easier to love her when she was alive.
Update here.