I’ve been with her for about 6 years (I’m still always shocked when she says the exact number because how can it possibly be, it’s too much of my life), and I wanted to not be with her for at least 2-3 of those years although sometimes I think, all that time.
I loved her once. Our love story was impressive, filled with charming and unlikely coincidences, determination to be together despite all obstacles, our conversations were pure highs, our similarities were insane, she was my long-lost twin, and even though we’re both atheists we couldn’t help but see all the signs that implied we had something going on (e.g. our first names had the same number of letters and together formed a neat anagram).
Through the years, we both told our story to people we met, it always started the same, we knew precisely what whoever was telling it would say line by line. And people would go “oh wow that’s so cute”.
But that’s how it goes, after we explored all of the many fascinating similarities that would keep us talking all night long, we started living together and exploring our many fascinating differences. In the end, our similarities ended up looking kind of superficial and our differences led to many fights, which still gave us a type of high for a bit. Then we matured I guess, or just got tired. More attuned to each other, but there wasn’t much left to feel.
Now, we’re renting a small but nice apartment, my career’s finally going well after years of having no idea what I’m doing or what I want to do, a phase that started immediately after I got my degree. Same for her I guess. We didn’t talk much anymore. We weren’t similar anymore.
If it weren’t for some practicalities of life, I’d have dumped her long ago. I wanted to dump her back when we fought a lot, but I couldn’t. I wanted to do it back when I loved her because I thought I didn’t have it in me, but I couldn’t. I wanted to do it on and off throughout our whole relationship. It just never worked. We’d just end up fighting and then make up and then it didn’t seem fitting to say anything. And now I can’t just pack and leave, I have a job here and we both pay for this apartment, so it seems really inconvenient.
I spent so much time fantasizing about it. Sometimes just the sight of her would piss me off. Why is she always on the couch, she should be considerate and give me space to be on the couch alone too. I’m always in my home office. I watch Netflix there, I play games there, she’s always on the couch.
She also mutters shit to herself and I know it’s always some passive-aggressive comment about whatever I did wrong (e.g. left a cabinet open), sometimes I get pissed and challenge her and say “What? You have something to say?” and then she acts confused although we both know she does have something to say, we both know what it is.
She wears earplugs so she doesn’t hear me most of the time either. She just stares at her phone. I say something and 2 min later she goes “HUH!??” super loudly, then I say “nothing”, then she says “I didn’t hear you”, then I scream “NOTHING!!!”
And we’re in our 30ies we’re not some old fucking people.
I want to be single, I want to do what I want, use any space I want, I’ll never be burdened by a relationship again. I’ll have the energy to be creative then. I’ll get drunk with my friends, maybe I’ll fuck some girl but never anything more than that, no more compromises, no more accommodating anyone else, fuck this shit. I’ll go on a trip, I’ll have so much fun. I’ll flirt with every girl I see. Or I won’t, it doesn’t matter really. I’ll be free, that’s the point.
Try 1:
I approached her, she was sitting on the couch. “We have to talk” I said. She ignored me.
“HUUH!??” she screamed after a minute.
“WE HAVE TO TALK, CAN YOU TAKE YOUR FUCKING EARPLUGS OUT!” I screamed
“What???!!!” She snapped, clearly irritated and took her earplugs out.
“I’m breaking up with you, I’m done”
“Fine” she said, put the earplugs back and continued staring at her phone.
Fucking bitch.
Two hours later she texted me about some shit like what to order for dinner, I replied since clearly we still had to have dinner. The next day everything continued as if nothing happened.
Try 2:
Every now and then we go out to drink. We do it together because we both want to go out and drink, but we both feel it’s unfair if the other goes out alone, plus we tend to overspend that way, so to reduce our jealousy and FOMO we go out together and drink while browsing reddit.
If we meet up with friends then we all talk normally and behave like normal people. We both seem slightly embarrassed by the other at times. I notice that she has no attention span and interrupts or changes topics a lot when people are talking. I try to make up for it by being a very attentive listener who steers the topic back on track. I sometimes get too drunk and then she’s embarrassed. Sometimes we do ok.
However, when we’re alone drinking, we sometimes reach a point of drunkenness where we actually start talking. Half the time we end up fighting. Half the time we end up enjoying ourselves a little, and sometimes it even ends in a good convo or even sex. Each time is a gamble, where will it take me, where will it take her, and what are the chances we meet in the same, good enough mindset?
Well, I thought the next outing would be a good time to break up with her as it’s virtually the only time we are capable of having a real conversation.
After 2 hours of beer and reddit, we started to engage in some convo. When I thought it was the right moment, I told her I wanted to break up with her.
“Are you doing this again? Is this going to be one of those nights?” she replied.
“I’m telling you what’s been on my mind all this time.” I said.
“This is why I can’t drink with you. You ruin everything. You can’t even pull it together for my fucking birthday.”
To sum up, she didn’t react well, and I realized this could be one of the “drunk incident” nights as things were getting heated, so I slightly backtracked. In the end, we had a fight, I went to sleep and I woke up feeling like shit. She was clearly pissed at me the next day and I was very hungover experiencing a panic attack the whole day, and then eventually things went back to normal.
Try 3:
Since we have the most articulate conversations over text, I texted her that I want to break up with her and that I really mean it. That one of us should move out. And that I’m fine with her taking the PS5 and some other shit so that she knows I’m trying to be concrete, pragmatic and on point about this.
She replied with that meme where Trump makes different faces.
It continued for a while. She always had the right meme to send.
Not to bore you with further tries, my efforts continued, meticulously recorded in my journal. Day after day I tried and failed to break up with her. I realized this isn’t normal, I am in a type of relationship groundhog day where things keep getting reset back to our normal no matter how I approach this.
We went out to a pub and someone asked how long we were together and I said 5 years, she corrected me, apparently, it’s 7 now. It makes no sense.
After “Try 30” or so I was getting more aggressive and more desperate. Today I was shouting in her face again, screaming that I’m done and leaving her. She just laughs at me and says fine like I’m being completely ridiculous.
Try 56 - I lost it and I punched her right in the face. It felt so good.
I am certain now that she isn’t human. This isn’t normal. Somewhere along our relationship, she stopped being human and turned into this fucking thing on my couch. She doesn’t exist.
I tried to go drinking with her again. I was asking her questions to determine if she’s a person. We talked again. She started feeling a bit more real, and we kissed, but the next day the magic was gone.
Day after day after day after day I’m being worse and worse to her, I hate her from the depth of my soul. She’s a monster and I’m in some fucking purgatory. My life was so perfect back before she came along. I was alone, I could do what I want, why did I have to meet her? Why am I not allowed to leave her?
I stay out all night sometimes, hoping I can get out, but I always wake up in the bed next to her (although we don’t touch and we always put a pillow between us).
I look at her and think, how did I ever like her? She’s not ugly but her facial expressions just make me want to punch her.
I started leaving notes all around the house to remind her, we’re broken up. I’m texting her from work - we’re done. We don’t talk, I’m locked in my room, we go up to sleep, then I wake up and go to work and remind her we’re done. She doesn’t care.
I don’t know what she is.
Should I just move out, but where would I go? I can’t just rent another place. I am telling her when our lease is over, I’m out. She just says “HUH?!!”
“Try Whatever” we were drinking, this time me alone in my office and she on the couch. I came out to talk, I started to cry because I was so fucking frustrated and she was ignoring me and making faces. She laughed at me and I hit her in the head with the bottle. I think I killed her.
I didn’t kill her. It didn’t stop her from being fine the next day.
Like nothing happened.
For the last two weeks I’ve been killing her every day in one way or the other.
I filled the tub with hot water and held her head under. I slammed her face against the wall over and over. I decapitated her. I had sex with her corpse (it didn’t work, but it seemed like something I should try to do to her in a moment of anger).
Every time I do it I feel good and victorious, but every morning I wake up there she is, and she knows. She pretends she doesn’t remember, but she knows. She relishes the control she has over me. She knows I know I’ll never get rid of her. Every morning, she wins.
Maybe I’m trying to kill the wrong person. I’m thinking about this now while I’m drinking coffee, hungover, putting together lines from my journal and cutting out a lot of pathetic venting and overly indulgent descriptions. This is my goodbye message, just so everyone knows who’s to blame and why I’m forced to do this.
All I wanted was to be free, so I can sleep alone, wake up alone, drink alone, take a trip with my friends alone, fuck or not fuck random girls, do or not do things without anyone having opinions about it. I would have been so happy. And people cry about being single. Fucking idiots.
She’s waiting at home on the couch.