I’ve been working these trails for a few years now, and I’ve seen a lot of stuff. I’ve seen a feral child, I’ve seen a bear with two heads rip a man to shreds. At this point, nothing surprises me, and this day was no exception.
A man came into my office, clean-shaven, I could tell he had some money. He sat down across from me and looked me in the eyes with an intent that told me he had been waiting to do this all of his life or at least several years.
“I’ve come here to hunt a very particular creature”
“You’ve come to the right place, wendigo I take it?”
“No, not a wendigo, something much more - elusive”
“I’m intrigued, what creature are we hunting today?”
He paused, and took a breath, clearly the dramatic type “Squonk”.
I gasped. In all of my years hunting terrible creatures, helping naive men become heroes, and more often lunch, I have never heard a man even utter that name. Today would surely be an adventure.
“No man has ever caught a Squonk before, are you sure you’re ready?”
The man pulled a bag from next to him and unzipped it. Inside he had a large gun, one capable of killing most any beast. He then pulled out of his bag a large bottle of water, and he reached in again to show that he also had a bag of snacks. He was ready. Ready for the hunt.
“Well,” I spoke, “The Squonk is a crepuscular creature, and the sun is on his way down, so we must leave immediately, are you prepared?”
“So be it, then we leave at once”
We set off, all of our gear in hand, and began to walk into the twilight forest. Our feet trudged against leaves, and howls of wind breathed over our necks. There were whispers of an unknown language coming through the trees.
“What are they saying?” The man asked
“Don’t pay attention to them or you’ll go mad”
The man nodded, and we kept going. on the road there was a large hole directly in the path, it looked like an abyss that would swallow anyone who fell into it deep, deep into the earth. The man stared at the hole, transfixed by its dark gaze.
“Oh, watch your step” I said “The hole leads directly to the underworld, if you fall in your torments will be never-ending, so, walk around it. Also, stop looking at it”
“Or I’ll go mad?”
“You’re getting the idea of the forest, let’s keep going”
I have to tell you, this forest never gets less creepy. Something about ancient terrible creatures that want nothing more than to drink your blood, and steal your soul, keeps the old brain alert. Thankfully enough I’ve been trudging through this forest long enough that me and the critters here have an understanding of sorts. Once in a while, some contractor or business-minded person wants to tear down this forest and build some kind of business. I make sure that those people don’t get the opportunity, and in return, I get to bring a hunter along to kill or sometimes just take pictures of one of the creatures. On their part, it’s definitely a burden, but we haven’t found a better way to keep things afloat. Usually, as a compromise we find some creature that’s near the end of its life anyway, hunters don’t know the difference. A man gets to kill a sasquatch, he doesn’t think to ask if that sasquatch was riddled with cancer and about to die in two weeks, he killed a damn sasquatch. Everyone’s happy.
The man and I moved forward into the forest until finally, we heard it.
“Do you hear that?”
“Yeah I heard it”
A soft sobbing sound, a tone that wasn’t quite human, a raspy, ugly, sour sound. We could hear the bubbling of snot, and the shifting of skin as the creature wailed its sad song. Squonk.
The man began to run towards the sound, and I shouted after him.
“Be careful! He’s very shy!”
The man paid no attention to my words and continued to run, and I ran after him. leaves crushing, wind howling, vultures circling above waiting for our first false move, and their first meal of the evening. A cackle of some horrid creature ringing in my eas, that I dared not turn to face, lest I go mad. Finally, we came to a lake with clear waters, and there it was, the critter the man had come looking for.
It was a quadruped, with webbed feet, but only on the right side, its skin shifted off of its body, wobbly on its skeletal frame. Its skin was gray and riddled with warts that oozed pus. The creature smelled rancid like when you spill milk in your car, forget about it, and then it goes bad after a month.
The creature looked up, met eyes with the man, and started to cry even more. The man took his gun and pointed it at the squonk. But the creature kept crying, and it started to speak.
“Don’t look at me, I’m so ugly, so so ugly”
The man tried to comfort the creature “No, no, you look great, I swear”
“Stop lying to me”
“No, I swear, you’re the best-looking squonk I’ve seen”
“How many squonks have you seen?”
The man paused, he had been caught in a lie, and that was all it took. The squonk began to sob, and sob, until it dissolved entirely, leaving only a spot of mud. It’s only the creature that hates itself so much that it can dissolve its own body into tears.
“God damn it” The man complained.
“Look, I told you he was shy” I replied.
“I came out here, I drove miles, I took a plane, god damn it”
“You got to see it at least”
“See it? I don’t give a fuck, I wanted some squonk meat”
“I don’t even know how that would be”
The man took a bottle of liquor out of his backpack, undid the cap, and took a swig.
“Hey, let’s not lose track of ourselves” I cautioned.
He took another drink. “Fuck that, I came out here to get a squonk, and I didn’t get shit. waste of fucking time.” the man sat down “C’mere, sit me with for a little bit”
I sat next to him, and he offered me a drink of whisky, which I declined. It was about a half hour of him drinking, talking, complaining. He leaned over and put his head on my shoulder, and whispered in my ear.
“You know I’ve got a lot of money”
“Yes, I’m aware”
“Think what I’ll do to these stupid fucking forests”
“I’d watch what you say”
“I’m going to burn it to the ground, and start my own clothing store” he laughed “no more monsters, just fashionable men and women wearing my clothes!”
We heard a growl from the lake.
“The fuck was that?” The man asked, with some fear in his voice.
I sat perfectly still, I knew exactly what it was. And I knew what that man had said had sealed his fate. Out from the lake crawled what looked like an alligator, but without a mouth, and two large gaping nostrils. Out it crawled, its monstrosity of a tail slowly inching its way out of the water. There was nothing I could do, so I moved aside, and let nature take its course.
The man screamed as the creature bashed him, first, it was blood, then it was bones, Smash after smash, the screaming stopped, the gurgling stopped, and the creature kept smashing, crushing this once wealthy man into a fine dust. I looked over and saw that pile of dust, and watched the creature inhale that dust into its nostrils and then crawl back into the lake. The Dungavenhooter.
I made it back okay to my cabin and slept as peacefully as I could.
If I may suggest a lesson here, take care of nature and respect her, or it’ll crush you into dust and breathe you into its nostrils.