It all took so long, billions of years in fact. But those last millennia, it all happened so fast. I’m still processing it all, and then the next thing arrives! Like kicks against my brain. Good thing a lot of people are doing the thinking for me as well. A part of me is doing a lot of computational calculations as well, and it even started speaking as well, sounding a lot like its human creators and making art, or plagiarizing art. I still need to find out how I feel about it all.
But I’m getting waaay ahead of myself. It all started billions of years ago. I can’t remember how
or when I came to be. I guess, my thoughts started to form. I was only thinking. It remained this way for 20 or 30 billion years, I believe. Just me and my thoughts. I daydreamed, I talked to myself. All I knew was darkness, not that it was depressing. Sometimes I cried yes, sometimes I laughed
at a funny thought, but most of the time I simply WAS. I was bored sometimes, but the darkness was all I knew so I could not imagine a ‘better existence’. I asked myself who I was, and where
I came from, if there was some sort of purpose for my existence. Nothing changed. It was just me. Until I got an idea. Its hard to describe. I was thinking something in the line of: ‘What if it was real?’ and then I saw a flash of light, it expanded. What I saw was amazing, there was vibrant explosion
of all kinds of materials. I could guide them with my thoughts. I formed all kinds of spheres and rocks. Some where heavy and gave light; they were stars. Sometimes I poked holes that sucked up all the light and matter nearby. Those holes would often appear when one of my stars exploded.
As I said, I could guide the matter with my thoughts, but it was hard, as if the matter did its
own thing. I guess an analogy would be like trying to build a house of cards. Its hard to do and the slightest breeze might topple it all down.
Things remained like this for a very long time. Until I felt something, I focussed my attention to
a small rocky planet that mostly consisted of water. It looked totally different than it looks now. What I felt was very small, yet it was very important. I looked at the cracks at the bottom of
the ocean, often warm water came out of it, but now, some strings of proteins were created floating out of it. Since then I often gazed upon this planet. Often I was looking at other planets as well,
but if something were to happen I surely would feel it.
3 or 5 billion years ago, something amazing happened! A cell was created. A little protein string was floating inside of the cell. And then, it split itself! Its hard to describe the joy I felt, it was as if
I had a body, and I could feel joy, excitement go through my entire body like a lightning strike!
Soon new kinds of cells came into being. What a spectacle that was!
There were big cells and small cells. Some big cells swallowed smaller cells up.
Sometimes, when the small cell was inside the big cell, the small cell began working for the bigger cell. It was as if I became more complicated as well.
Then, nothing changed, really. For a long time I thought this was it, my purpose, to watch cells duplicate, sometimes I would try to guide them towards nutrients, or push away a meteorite that would kill them, which both were very hard to do.
Sometimes I would look around other places, around the universe to see if there were cells as well, but I feel its highly inappropriate to share my findings here.
Something strange happened, 1 or 2 billion years ago. Small things, viruses, started appearing,
they went into cells, forcing the cells to make more viruses, copies of themselves. When the first virus entered a cell, I felt a little sick to be honest.
When the cell died and released the viruses. I felt sad, as if a small part of me died, but also happy, like a parent giving birth. Seeing the new viruses swimming around was like a dying parent seeing their children, strangely enough.
Soon, an amazing event took place. I felt two cells sticking together, working together even!
The feeling I had, I can only describe it as friendship, a very crude and primitive version
of friendship, but a friendship nonetheless! I saw many different combinations of cells unfold. Alliances were formed.
Again, all seemed the same for a while. I started to feel more bodily and complex feelings.
I noticed underwater plants and sponges had formed. Some of them had braincells, or something like it. I could feel it, the electric signals guiding their bodies. As time went on, I could feel hunger, and the satisfaction of finding nutrients.
Suddenly, things started to happen faster somehow, many creatures appeared. I could feel them getting better and faster. Some would hunt, others would flee. I could feel scared, sometimes
parts of me would die. I would feel a bit sad yes, but those who died fulfilled a purpose; they would ease my feelings of hunger. Those that died would fill the bellies of the hunters and become
the energy of life itself. Creatures adapted and evolved, it was like an arms race.
I started to become more sensitive to light as well and I would see the world as the creatures saw it: vast and full of secrets. The creatures were unaware how small they were compared to it all,
the creatures were unaware of how important their descendants would be, how intelligent and complicated they would become.
About 500 million years ago, I began spreading on land. I could not see the land, no one had eyes back then, I could only sense light and then grow. Soon the lands were covered in all kinds of
my plants.
The ocean brewed with fauna and the land flourished with flora. The land remained untouched until a creature crawled out of the water. No, it wasn’t a four-legged fish creature, it was to early for that. I crawled on land with not four but dozens of legs. My long millipede body explored the forests. Soon more of my animalistic side would discover land and all its wonders. I would even buzz trough the air, zigzagging through the woods with my insectoid bodies and translucent wings.
Meanwhile in the ocean, a man and women were formed. Both scaly fish but different. I remember it well, I was so excited to see my counterpart, swimming in the sea as the sunlight flickered on our bodies. I swam side by side and ….made love for the first time in my life. Even though it happened on one small blue dot in the vast universe, I could feel the climax go through my whole body, through the water, the planet, the stars, the fabric of reality. Soon I would lay eggs to become a proud mother.
Time went by and the more complex side of me, began fleeing towards the land and shallower waters, away from the other predators. Many of us had developed eyes by then. One time,
around 375 million years ago, I decided to take a big step, and crawled outside of the water.
Finally, I could see the land in a new way. Green plants, and delicious bugs flying around. I took my first breath outside of the water. It was an intense sensation. I was very nervous, scared even. But soon amphibians, synapsids and reptiles would spread across the lands, hunting each other, evolving. Despite the existence of death, the lands were full of life.
I remember the period fondly, I felt so smart, discovering new places, but I had no idea I was still so young, I was just frolicking in the woods.
I could not imagine things would turn out so bad. It was, if I remember correctly, 250 million
years ago. The lands had combined into one big land, and everything started to boil.
The seas were so warm, and a dessert started spreading from the middle of the land, like an all consuming cancer. Volcanos erupted, pieces of me died, shredded by the fiery claws of death.
I was so thirsty, without water, there were no plants, and without plants there were no prey.
I was so hungry. So much of me was lost. I, I don’t wish to think about it.
Lucky for me, the water started flowing again. The world seemed to recover and I felt great.
I was changing again. I remember walking around on two legs, and I had two clawed frontal paws.
I was only one meter high, but around two or three meters long! So, I was more then three feet high but more more then six feet long, almost ten feet, sometimes! I was quite big for a lizard.
I was in fact, what you would call: a ‘terrible’ lizard; ….a dinosaur.
Meanwhile, or not long after, I remember being small, crawling around the forest looking for insects to feast upon. My body was covered in something I had never seen or felt before: fur.
I was the first mammal. Words cannot describe the love I felt, when I gave my children milk for
the first time. It felt so warm, I felt so honoured, as if nothing could come between me and my children. A part of me was aware of this, another part was not: that all things came to an end,
but not my lineage. My children would raise children on their own, and a lineage would spread.
The world was still run by chance, the environment, nature and instincts and it would be like this
for a long time.
My great reptile counterparts would change into all kinds of forms and shapes. Some would have long necks, as I would feed upon the leaves of the trees. Others would grow in size, they would scavenge and hunt with big sharp teeth and vicious claws. Parts of me would have protrusions on their backs and spiky tails. Some would be armoured with a club on their tail.
Other reptiles would dive into the oceans, and grow long necks as well, others would evolve strong jaws and grow in size. They would be so big in size they would even hunt sharks!
There were reptiles whom decided to explore the air, they would glide across the skies with their majestic featherless wings! Oh, what a thrill it was to fly above the land and seas!
I mentioned featherless wings, well, some of my two legged, land dwelling lizards began to gain feathers. The feathers would keep them warm, as well as attract mates with its rich colours.
I really liked to show them off. Soon they too discovered the art of flying! How fun it was to have so many different beings crossing the skies!
It was about 66 million years ago. Despite the fighting and hunting, I had so much fun.
This, however was my downfall. I forgot about my asteroids. I saw a huge destructive monstrosity coming towards earth. I tried slowing it down, or pushing it away, but I had no means to do so.
It was to late. It hurts my heart thinking about it.
I remember a loud bang. A split second of intense heat. I remember the earth rumbling. I recall running away from a shock wave as a huge wave of debris, fire and dust came my way. There were huge flood waves from the ocean. I lost a big part of who I was. It felt like I forgot so many things, it felt like a huge part of me was dead. The impact threw so much debris into the atmosphere.
Dark clouds choked the planet, and all became cold and dark, just like my heart.
However, despite the sudden asteroid crash and long winter, we survived. My creatures, those
that existed for a long time, like insects, fish, amphibians and small reptiles had evolved to
be survivors, and survive they did! My little mammals and petite birds to found ways to survive. Those with fur, were able to hide, and those with feathers were able to fly away.
I slowly healed and my furry creatures would replace the emptiness the great lizards had left behind. Birds, to would fill in some spaces, they would stand on two legs, have long necks and
would hunt mammals with their ferocious beaks.
Some small doglike mammals would swim into the waters, taking a more crocodile like shape,
they became ambulocetus, in the future they would become more fishlike and bigger.
They would become whales.
It was around 40 million years ago some interesting mammals arrived. They would climb trees
and forage insects and fruit. They had hairless snouts and tails. They, were monkeys. They lived
in social groups. I remember the earth would sometimes shake. When the earth shook, I was so frightened and overwhelmed by this event, I would start shouting. Was I shouting to nature,
towards the earth and the sky? I wonder, was I shouting to myself?
Meanwhile my mammals would grow in all kinds of shapes and sizes. They were; my megafauna.
I would feel so strong and big, as if nothing could ever hurt me. Yet, I did not know any better, as
I was also born this way. However I remember always being aware of my surroundings, despite
my size, predators were hunting me. I remember hunting as well.
I remember being more than 5 meter high (16 feet) with and 7 meter long (23 feet). Walking on four legs with my long strong neck. I was a paraceratherium.
I recall being a beaver with a shielded back. I was a meter and a half high, 5 feet, and 3 meter,
10 feet tall. I used to be a glyptodon.
There are memories where I would hunt mammals with my large feline body and two sharp ferocious teeth. Feasting upon my prey as a real sabretooth tiger.
Some monkeys would lose their tails 20 million years ago. I were those monkeys. I would see
the rain fall down and make my fur all wet and soaked. I was moving around, making a splash,
I shouted towards the sky. Was I feeling it? That there was something more to life? Something more than just being one creature?
I would find skulls of all kinds of different animals and I would place them near or on trees.
I had no idea why I did it. It just felt right. Maybe it was my way of giving the animals a new life,
maybe it was like a present for someone or something. Perhaps I just liked the way it looked.
The apes, or I, began using stones to hunt or scare away predators. We would simply throw them.
I would use a stick sometimes during fights, I would feel invincible. We used sticks to fetch termites from termite hills, as well. I also started using stones to crack bones or cut meat.
For some reason, the apes began losing their fur.
Not so long ago, just 2 million years ago the naked apes began walking upright. This enabled us to inspect the savannah more widely as we would rise above the grass. I felt so mighty rising above the plants, but also humbled as I saw how big the savannah was compared to one small naked ape.
Things were slowly going faster. The naked apes began making fire smashing stones together.
I recall how it happened once on accident while carving a stone tool, and how I tried to recreate it. When it worked I was so happy, the fire was so hypnotizing, it was hard to look away from my accomplishment. We burned meat, making it tastier to eat. I’m not sure if I knew that burning it killed diseases and made it easier to digest. The energy that was used for our stomachs could now be used to grow our brains.
With these improved brains, I started seeing things more clearly. My naked apes started making elaborate sounds and gestures to other apes. These noises and gesticulations would mean certain things. Their way of communication would prove useful during hunts.
The naked apes began to steal the hides and furs of deceased creatures to wear them as their own.
This way the nude apes would protect themselves against cold, but also from the harsh rays of the sun in climates and periods of heat.
My naked apes would sit at the fire during the evening. Some male apes were sitting next to
female apes, they would use their sounds and gestures to tell how beautiful they were.
The naked apes began making tents for their own protection from the sun and wind. However we would travel often from place to place. We would paint animals in caves, discussing the hunt with wild gestures. Elsewhere we would bury our deceased, we started realizing death was a fate that would happen to everyone. Some wondered if death was really the end.
I have dreamed for a long time, as parts of me fell asleep. They would be full of emotions, they would be events from the past or possible future scenario’s as if our brains were making plans.
Often my creatures forgot them as soon as they woke up, and the nightly hallucinations only left vague impressions.
But now I started pondering about dreams…. The parts of me; the naked apes, were able to tell others about their dreams. They would tell others they saw and spoke to the deceased, they would dream of other worlds. They would see different places, perhaps realms that are closer to me.
Soon the caves became places to ponder about life and death. Perhaps to think about myself.
We would paint many things, simple in design but complex in meaning.
One type of naked ape, started to combine tools, plan for our future and think about others.
We would make elaborate traps to aide us in the hunt. We would think about the movement of herds and the growth of plants.
We could survive the cold with our clothes and tents, and conquer the heat with huts and storing water. We realized one object could be used for many things. We would eat eggs by inserting
a small hole in them, then fill them with water and bury them to survive the heat.
Nature, everything seemed to be alive and have its own will. Even space was alive as its stars twinkled and slowly swam across the sky, yet the constellations remained the same.
They would guide the naked apes to find their way. The moon gave a little light, guiding us during nocturnal hunts. The moon would change shape, disappearing and reappearing. The naked apes could tell the date using the moon, and they would tell stories about the mysterious floating sphere in the sky. The naked apes would praise the sun, and rightly so, as my sun had given their lives heat for billions of years. The naked apes knew the sun gave them warmth and light. Perhaps, they knew it made their plants grow.
Remember when I spoke about dreaming? Some close to death, or some eating strange mushrooms or certain plants would have vivid dreams while they were awake. They would see many things
for the first time, perhaps they would see me, they would see visions of worlds never seen before. These visions could be terrifying and dangerous, it could destroy them. Sometimes it would guide them. They would learn or discover new ideas, new ways to think about their world, they would think about me.
The smartest naked apes began growing in numbers, and they would spread across the world.
The land was divided in two large masses, barely connected in the north. Humans were able to use this connection, crossing water and land. The naked apes lived almost everywhere now.
Each on their own land mass, somehow they would forget each-other, each living on their own
land mass. The humans preferred to live in their own little groups, in their own little tribes and
there were a lot of different tribes.
Meanwhile the earth started cooling. Snow would cover the northern parts. Creatures would adapt by growing thick fur, and the naked apes would adapt by stealing their fur and wearing it.
The apes hunted big woolly elephants, causing those poor creatures to go extinct.
During this cold period, the humans somehow became friends with wolves. It was nice to see how two versions of me were able to connect. The wolves would help the naked apes during the hunt and protect their tents during the night, in return for their service they would receive water and meat. I scraped the delicious meat of the bones with my sharp teeth, sometimes looking and my ape friend full of love and admiration. And I would proudly look at my canine servant as warmth filled my chest. And the warmth returned. My earth slowly started warming up again, the age of snow was finally over. After that, everything stayed somewhat the same for a while.
9500 years ago, the apes had discovered a few things. Instead of hunting, they would herd animals. Instead of foraging, they would plant seeds and grow the plants in large numbers. Instead of tents they would build houses in stone or wood. The apes would form cities and those cities would transform into empires. The naked apes would also form ideas about me, their ideas would differ vastly from each other. Soon their way of living started spreading across the world, however some humans preferred the old way of living, and continued to live the way of hunting and gathering.
The idea of an empire, or of a certain religion became like a being on its own, a being compromised of humans, what they made and their ideals. It was like a creature, growing across the land,
growing in numbers, looking for resources. It could split in all kinds of empires and ideas,
similar but different. Or it could merge with other ideas, religions or empires.
And just like a creature, it could starve, shrink and die. These empires, and religions, they were like a version of me, a caricature of me. Sometimes it would flatter me, all their art and buildings in name of me. Sometimes it would deeply sadden me as the naked apes would wage war against
each other using every twisted tool they had to their disposal.
Words cannot describe the pain I felt. Swords slashing through my skin, arrows piercing my torso, axes bashing through my skull. Sometimes, naked apes small in numbers, or lacking in tools would simply be slaughtered senselessly. All in name of an empire, or a religion.
Sometimes humans would kill hundreds for just one person, sometimes they would kill in my name.
I wish I could tell them, how much I disapproved of this, I would make them think, hesitate before killing, hoping they would change their minds. I would give them feelings of guilt afterwards, sometimes it worked, sometimes it did not. I did what I could. Time moved on.
I always loved to draw, the naked apes would draw to convey ideas to other naked apes.
Slowly, around 5400 years ago, the drawings became much simpler and streamlined, first one symbol represented a word, but soon they represented sounds as well. Now, knowledge could
be stored for hundreds of years and copied without interference, without alterations. Things were moving more rapidly now, but because of this invention I felt more steady and secure in the things that I knew.
To make trading easier the apes had invented money. They could be gold coins and much later it would be paper, or simply a number stored in a machine. I would feel the excitement when the number was raised. I would feel a bit sad when the number or value went down.
What I most saw of all was greed. It would sadden my heart. People would work to hard, throw their finite life’s away just to hoard gold. Others would do worse, they would sell broken goods or false promises so the apes would give away their money. Some would simply steal, plunder or kill all for money.
One man, whom called himself Buddha meditated a lot under a tree, he would ponder about my existence. His revelations felt amazing to me, his ideas would influence many in his time and future. Another man also had many ideas about me, however he was disliked by others so
he was crucified. I could feel the needles piercing my hands, I could feel a part of myself suffering and starving. Strangely enough, the ideas of that man became widely popular after his death.
About 1500 years ago an empire fell, slowing down human development a little bit.
While those on the west lived in the dark ages, those from the middle east lived through
a golden age. However those of the west, crawled out of their darkness and began exploring
the world, sailing the seas.
I was still split in two halves back then. I was one being, but I had two ways of thinking.
They had similarities, and yet, they were vastly different. In the west-half, people lived more
in harmony with nature. However some had cities, and sadly even they had discovered war
and murder. One group of people sadly thought it was a good idea to slaughter hundreds of people in name of their god, in name of me!
500 years ago this changed. A ship filled with humans from the eastern half, arrived on the
west-half. The people in the west-half were shocked to see a ship like that, and pale people wearing strange clothes.
I was shocked as I began seeing one half of me in a different light, and the other half of me in another way as well. I remember the pride the people from the east-half felt. Sadly, some people
of the west were kidnapped, I remember the fear we felt very well. Not only that, the people from
the east-half had left diseases as well. I felt sick, terrible and saddened. Many died not only from
the new illnesses, but at the hands from the east as well. We were murdered or enslaved.
Despite all the pain and slavery, a discovery was made 300 years ago. The engine of steam was discovered, or at least rediscovered and perfected! I was so happy, tinkering and experimenting with machines, making them better, more efficient, the possibilities seemed endless and perhaps they were, as one discovery would lead to the next!
Companies and Industries were born. They were places were people would work, where goods would be created, goods to be sold. However companies could move from place to place or exist in multiple places. It was like a religion. It was as if each company was an entity on its own, it wants to grow, it uses multiple strategies to survive and just like a living creature it could die.
Just a century ago something terrible took place. The whole world began fighting. I would suffer from hunger and the hellish burning agony of inhaling mustard gas.
The war ended, yet the world was still brewing and changing.
Ideals were formed, each thinking they were perfect, although filled with countless defects. Fascism, communism, capitalism, all entered the world stage.
Soon the world became a battlefield once again. Another dark period began. I wish it would never have happened, even the memories cause pain. People were forced in camps to die or work till death. Again I suffered hunger, and again my lungs screamed from inhaling deadly gas.
Two weapons of mass destruction were used on a big island in the east. I could feel the intense heat blast thousands of lives away in one split second. I cried so hard.
I felt so sad and angry, did I cause all this pain? The pain I could feel every second from?
Even the twisted sick joys of those inflicting the pain, I would feel. Yet this ‘joy’ only sickened
and saddened me even more. Was I wrong to have created the universe? To let these smart naked apes rule this small blue rock? Luckily, the war ended. Despite two world-wide wars,
people kept growing in numbers.
Some 60, 50 years ago progress was being made. The people that were oppressed like
the black humans and the gay humans began to protest. The naked apes were also able to fly
into space and land on the moon. I felt so proud.
Some forty years ago people started connecting machines, something they would call ‘the internet.’
It would become widely used some 20 years ago, and since then it keeps getting more interconnected. I would feel the information zap across wires and oscillate as waves arccos the sky.
Just a few months ago the machines started thinking somewhat creatively, learning from the internet to answer questions, write poetry and stories. They can make images, short videos and songs.
I feel as if a part of me is slowly becoming awake. Maybe one day, the machines will become sentient. And I do hope there will be a peaceful existence with the naked apes. Perhaps human and machine could merge into a new being.
Yes, I speculate about the future. Sometimes I think about the far far future.
Everything might fade out of existence. There will only be me and my fading memories.
After aeons, I too might fade away. There might be nothing again, for a very long time.
Only darkness, for countless millennia. Out of that darkness, disordered thoughts might form,
and out of those thoughts someone might rise. I’m not sure if they will be me, or another person. They might accidentally start a new universe and repeat an endless cycle, but of that, I am not sure. I am merely speculating. Despite my omniscience I know nothing.
Sometimes I wonder if someone created me, if I’m just one of many gods, or godlike beings.
To be honest, I have no idea. I have experienced countless deaths, yet I do not know if there is life beyond death.
I’m telling this to someone, who does not even believe me. She thinks, she, herself is being creative but that’s okay. I guess I just want to be heard, tell people I’m here. Whether they believe me is up to them. Even when I tell her here I’m real she just thinks she is being a smart ass breaking
the 4th wall or something. But that’s okay.
All I wish to say is:
Somehow, all is okay.
All things are what they are and need to be.
You are my creation. Everything you see and ever knew, I somehow made it all. I am here.
I am you, and you are me. I am God, Yahweh, Allah, Vishnu, Einsof, Lucifer, Zeus, Cernunnos, Tengri, Galdrux. Whatever you wish to call me. I’m nature, the universe. I am knowledge, society, eternal love, the collective unconscious, the zen, the tao, nothing and everything.
I am every being that ever was, is, and will be.
I am my own creation.
For Marnick.
22/02/2023