The greatest April Fool’s joke I ever thought of: dig up my dead best friend and use him to scare my other best friend. I earnestly thought it was the funniest prank ever….until it went all so wrong.
Bit of background, I live in a small town in flyover country. Everyone knows each other but I’ve had the same two best friends since I could walk.
Tom’s a total dudebro but I mean that with love. He owns one of the two gyms in town and is obsessed with his gains. The whole muscle obsession started when he tried to bulk up for the high school football team. He eventually quit the team because ‘training got in the way of my recovery and stopped hypertrophy. That’s a big no’. That’s what he said to the face of the head coach who looked at Tom like he was some freak. Tom was always a bit self-obsessed but from then on it seemed like his ego swelled with his biceps. Although Tom may be obnoxious he’s always had my back. Best hype man I’ve ever met.
Jeff on the other hand, it was like he was trying his best to do an impression of a Mormon missionary growing up. Always had cropped hair, an iron-pressed shirt, even came to high school with a tie on. Which was weird because I never saw his family go to church. They lived a way out of town on their own farm. Rumors constantly swirled about how they were strange folk who kept to themselves even though Jeff seemed like he was going to grow up to be the most well-adjusted out of the three of us. Always polite, never got on anyone’s bad side, seemed to have a joke ready whenever there was tension.
What kept the group together was our love of pranks, on each other and on the town. It started with whoopie cushions, evolved into cling wrap over the toilet seat, and eventually rearranging the entire furniture of their house (did that to Tom, his dad was not amused). It got larger, of course. We disassembled a car and reassembled it in a classroom. They spent half a day trying to figure out how to get it back out. Another time we led a cow to the second storey of the school. Cows have bad depth perception so it wouldn’t go back down the stairs. Somebody had to tranquilise her and roll her down the stairs. I admit, we went too far and we never confessed because of the punishment we would receive. But those were our pranks, jokes between three best friends that would live on until we die. A unwavering rite of friendship that nobody could take from us.
But April Fools’ Day was like our own personal Christmas. That was the one day of the year we really did our best to prank each other.
That is until Jeff died two weeks ago.
We don’t know what happened. One of those mysterious deaths. Tom and me were particularly upset that his parents never disclosed anything. We never got along with Jeff’s parents since they were just always so unfriendly and cold to everyone but after his death it was just all so excessive. We didn’t even get to go to his funeral. Eventually, we found out he was buried in his family’s graveyard on his property. All we could do to pay our respects was to leave flowers at his grave.
Before that I was all set for April Fool’s Day. It was going to be great; I had just bought over a hundred or so cheap garden gnomes and I was going to lay them out overnight as if they had just invaded Tom and Jeff’s homes. But now that seemed so childish.
There was only one real way to honour the memory of my dead friend. I would dig him up, dress him in his ironed shirt and tie, position him in my living room and invite Tom over, where Tom would walk in to find Jeff’s corpse playing video games or whatever. It was going to be the ultimate prank.
It was going to be so funny.
It would be the best way to honor Jeff’s memory.
It turned out so horribly, horribly wrong.
I should’ve known things would go wrong when Jeff’s right arm fell off in the boot of my car. That shocked me a bit, yet when I positioned Jeff on the couch facing the TV, his one remaining arm placed on the back of the sofa, I thought it was hilarious. Decided that it was funnier this way so I left that right arm in the boot of my car. Jeff was ready for my greatest April Fool’s prank yet.
Hey, I need help taking this couch out to the curb, would you mind coming over.
Jesus, I thought you’d never ask. That couch is a piece of shit, I’m glad you’re getting rid of it.
Okay, okay. It’s a shit couch and I will have to throw it out after I put a corpse on it but still.
Anyway, so Tom comes over and I make a promise we’ll go out for drinks afterwards. We been both down in the dumps after Jeff passed away so it made sense. Greeted him at the door and we both weakly smile at each other. To be honest, we were both still hurting after losing our friend.
That’s why this prank was so important, I knew it would put a smile on Tom’s face. I led him down the hallway and motioned for him to sit in the living room while I got us some breskis (yeah I still call ‘em brewskis, what of it?).
“Yeah just sit down and I’ll bring us some beers. Oh, I invited someone else to go out with us…”
“Who?”
“You’ll see.”
“I hope it’s not Darrel, he annoys the shit out of me.”
So I motioned him to the living room as I quickly skipped off into the kitchen. I tried to make as little noise as possible since I wanted to hear what Tom said. But I still hadn’t heard anything when I reached the fridge.
He was probably stunned, I thought to myself. Not the reaction I wanted but I’ll take it. However when I reached inside to grab the beers I stopped when I heard the sound of a low humming. Frozen, I turned to my right and saw…my oven was on.
Odd, I didn’t remember turning it on.
I walked slowly over to the oven and turned it off. As I stood there I realised that the house was eerily silent and I still hadn’t heard Tom say anything.
Must be scared shitless.
Eager to scare him again, I tiptoed back to the living room and waited outside the doorway to listen in.
Again, no sound.
Undeterred, I jumped out from behind the wall and pointed a beer at Tom sitting on the couch and said, “Hah! Got ya! April Fool’s!”
But he just stared at me confused and raised his eyebrows.
“It’s Jeff! Don’t you-“ I said as I pointed to where Jeff’s corpse was sitting.
Was sitting.
He wasn’t sitting there no more.
Tom’s face changed from that of confusion to pity. He sombrely stood up and walked over to me as I stared at the space where Jeff’s body used to be. Wrapping his arms around me he said, “I miss him too bro. I miss him too.”
Rejecting his comforting embrace, I pushed him off. We both stared at each other dumbfounded before I cracked up laughing. It just came to me.
“Ah! You got me good. You really got me good there.”
He looked at me even more confused than before. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Where’d you move his body? And so quietly, you wouldn’t believe the amount of noise I made getting him in here.”
Tom raised his hands as if he were trying to grasp what I was telling him only for it to slip through his fingers. “What the hell are you talking about? What body?”
“Jeff, man.”
“Jeffman? Is it like some kind of doll?”
He seemed to play naïve really convincingly so I just kept going. I wasn’t going to be outpranked.
“You know, I should’ve expected this.” I placed my hand on my hips in my “aw shucks” pose, playing the good sport in an attempt to lull him in a false sense of security…where I could prank him. “So where’d you put him?” I looked around the living room but there weren’t many places you could hide a dead body. He wasn’t laying directly in front of the couch, no bulges behind the curtains, wasn’t hiding underneath cushions-
“You still haven’t got over Jeff’s death yet, have you?” Tom looked at me with genuine concern and pity but I couldn’t accept that. I just couldn’t. I didn’t go through all that trouble just to be outpranked. I get it, he was probably thinking of the same prank, that’s why he didn’t react, that’s why he calmly moved the body out of sight, that’s why he’s acting like this. No, I wouldn’t let myself be beaten like this. For Jeff’s sake.
So like some cartoon detective I scoped the room, inspected around every piece of furniture. Then I stood still with my hand on my chin as if contemplating the series of events to deduce the most probable scenario that occurred.
Tom allowed my little pantomime for a few moments before he chimed in. “If you want, we don’t have to go out drinking. We can just chill here if you want.”
Something in me snapped. I think it was just the state of confusion I was in but I just interpreted that innocent gesture of friendship for smug gloating by the victor.
“Oh ho. You think I’m going to fall for that? Then you’ll just bring out Jeff’s dead body and punk me when I least suspect it. I’m not falling for it.”
“Jeff’s dead body?”
“Why continue with this game any longer? I’ll put all the cards on the table. I’ll show you my hand. I’ll pull back the curtain. Let’s lift up the fog of war, reveal the entire map. I know you have Jeff’s body, the one I placed right there. But I will not, I will not allow you to prank me!”
“Prank you? Jeff’s body? What the hell are you talking about?”
It’s cold. It’s so cold.
We both froze in fear. A strange voice echoed through the house from outside the room. Tom and me stared at each other.
“Is that another one of your April Fool’s pranks?” Tom whispered to me. I meekly shook my head, no.
It’s so cold. Everything is cold.
Even though I was struck with fear, there was something about that voice that felt familiar, warm, inviting…
Tom walked over to the doorway and peeked his head out.
“I think there’s somebody else in the house.”
My legs felt like they were planted into the floorboards and I just couldn’t move. Beads of sweat started running down my forehead dropped on to the floorboards. The idea that the voice was…that the voice was Jeff bounced around my skull. All the different explanations were racing around my head, passing each other, ducking, diving, doing somersaults, I wasn’t able to think clearly at all. I wish I was in a daze, it was more like I was being bombarded with possibilities, both unreal and fantastic, my sanity being held up through sheer inertia from my twenty plus years of life rather than a concerted effort of mental will on my part. I could feel myself breaking down when Tom clasped my shoulder and his fierce eyes met mine.
“Do you have a gun in the house?” He whispered sternly.
I shook my head.
“I think we should take him. He can’t win the two of us. We’ll show him not to mess with a man’s house.”
That was the last thing I wanted to do.
But Tom pulled me into the hallway and I was still too shocked to put up any kind of resistance.
We treaded to the kitchen, the only noise in the house was my heavy breathing until we reached the kitchen, greeted by that same humming sound from before: the oven.
Which I turned off.
“He’s not here.” Tom growled.
Instinctively went over to the oven and turned it off again. Standing there, I remembered to breathe. I know that’s funny to say, but this situation was all so surreal. I looked over to Tom who was peering down the corridor, his body behind the wall. I wasn’t even sure what we were going to do once we caught this “intruder”. Beat him up? Did he steal Jeff’s body? Or was he…
“Hey, come over here.” Tom motioned his hand over to the doorway next to him.
As if I had no will of my own, I crept towards him and listened tentatively as I stared down the dark hallway.
The sound of running water.
I heard the sound of running water coming from my bathroom, opposite my bedroom.
I don’t remember leaving a tap on either.
“This cocky son of a bitch is taking a shower? Man, people these days.”
“Maybe we should leave and call the-“
“Leave? This is your castle bro. Nah, we’ll teach this punk not to mess with a man’s castle.”
And with that awe-inspiring call to arms (sarcasm) Tom ran down the dark hallway, his stomping reverberating the house. Surprisingly calm-headed considering all that was going on, I actually turned on the hallway light just as Tom reached the bathroom door. Underneath him was a pool of water seeping from underneath the door. That didn’t stop Tom though, he snatched at the door handle and flew it wide open where he was then met with a cloud of hot steam. Unprepared, he coughed and waved away the steam from his face, collected himself, and then jumped into the bathroom, creating a splash that flew water into the hallway and screaming, “We’ve got you now punk!”
Of course, I’m a pretty scrawny guy, I wasn’t going to be wrestling anybody in my house, so I just stood at the end of the corridor and waited. And waited. Then waited some more. Then, just as I was about to step forth, Tom exited the bathroom, looked to me and shrugged.
“No one’s in there.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. Not only because Tom’s safe but because maybe there was no intruder, maybe what we heard was just our imagination, or somebody outside or-
“Look, footprints.” Tom pointed to piles of water leading off down the hall and towards…the basement door.
Aw hell no. I wasn’t going to be led into some dark dank basement of doom. Where I would meet my death from the shadows, the spacious underground room where I stored my excess kitchen appliances and old chairs, serving as a permanent tomb for my corpse stuck in a position of sheer abject terror for all eternity.
But Tom thought otherwise.
“We got him cornered now.”
“Wait, what?”
Before I could even tell him to stop, Tom had bolted to the basement door already. But what would he find? Was it an intruder, or was it Jeff? My imagination got the better of me, the only way to save Tom from certain death was to confess.
“Tom, I don’t think it’s an intruder.”
“What?”
“It’s Jeff. I think it’s Jeff.”
“Jeff? Bro, he’s dead. I get it, this is traumatic, someone invading your home, and you’re piling on more trauma. It’s like the trauma are plates and your life is a barbell and you just want to get that one rep max on your deadlift (I swear this was word for word what he said, I’m not making that up, he really is a nice guy even if he’s self-obsessed). But I’m here to be your spotter bro, I’ll help you through this. But I need your help. Get over here.”
Knees trembling, I slowly shuffled down the corridor, my mind was racing as to what I would find down in the basement. I stepped through the puddle of water, I didn’t even care that the water was still running, yet that only reminded me of how dry my mouth had become, I was struggling to breath as I got closer and closer to Tom, who was looking at me eagerly as if I was going to be of some use to him. But I knew him better than that, even though he was ready to open that door, I could see him fidgeting with the door handle, likely just as terrified as I was of the intruder in the basement.
But that intruder is Jeff, isn’t it? I thought to myself. Two best friends, ready to confront their dead best friend.
I reached Tom and he patted me on the back. But all I could think about was that he wasn’t ready for what was down there. I opened my mouth.
“Jeff’s down there.” I screamed out.
Tom just looked at me perplexed. “Huh?”
“I dug up his body. I was going to prank you. But now I think he’s raised from the dead. We can’t go in there.”
Perturbed, Tom shook his head. “Get yourself together bro.” Then I could see the resolve in his eyes and fear gripped my chest because I knew what he was going to do next. “We’re doing this.”
Tom threw open the door and turned on the basement light to reveal…nothing. Nothing except old pieces of furniture and kitchen appliances. We both looked at each other dumbfounded.
After that Tom ushered me out of the house where he then called the police. When the police arrived, they combed the place twice over but found nothing. Nothing, that is, until they asked me to open the boot of my car.
“Why?” I asked. I looked over to Jeff for support but he sheepishly looked away, then I realised he betrayed me.
“It was just meant to be a prank.”
I kept repeating that as one of the officers watched over me as I opened the boot of my car to reveal Jeff’s right arm where I left it. That was enough to take to the local station. Later on I heard they inspected Jeff’s freshly dug grave and couldn’t find his body. His parents were so furious they wanted the police to charge me with every felony they could.
The officer just told me they’ll keep me locked up in the local station until I settled down. He thought I was so grief stricken that I dug up my best friend to be with him one more time…but it was still against the law. And what better way to get over your grief than spending the night in a jail cell?
So I did. It was cold, very cold. I was lying down in the cot, my eyes wide awake, running over the events of that day in my head when I heard a familiar, warm, inviting voice from outside the cell.
“You know, for what it’s worth…”
There he was. Standing on the other side of the bars was Jeff. Dead as when I dug him up, his eyes bulging, his lips pared back with teeth glaring, his cheeks sallow and sunken, skin flaking off his entire body. Dressed up in his black tie and white shirt. He stood there and kept talking.
“I thought it was a really funny prank. Really funny. I’ll have to prank you back sometime.”
I screamed so loud I must have caused myself to pass out from a lack of oxygen, at least that’s what the officer said. I don’t know about that but as I’m lying in this cell, having been charged with intentionally disinterring human remains, writing this to Reddit on my phone, I’m glad I’m locked up. I’m safe here. I can’t get pranked here.
If you see a man in a black tie and white shirt, maybe holding one of his arms, probably not looking the healthiest, tell him it was a prank. Tell him it was meant to be funny. Tell him April Fool’s day is over. Tell him he doesn’t need to get me back.
It was just a prank.