In 1970, after my time fighting in the Vietnam war, I had made the decision to devote myself to a peaceful existence of understanding and kindness, when I was just 24 years old. After a life of violence, having trained and fought in martial arts my entire life, and then becoming a soldier and killing other men in war, I had had enough, and instead devoted myself to the teachings of Buddhism.
I had lived as a Layperson in Bao’ en Temple for 3 months, practicing my teachings, volunteering around the community, and performing my various chores and duties. I had grown close with my Guru Master Chen, extremely valuing his teachings, but during my last month at the Bao’ en Temple, I’d often catch him whispering with Lama Yang, both of them staring at me and watching me intently, making me grow nervous, like I was doing something wrong, or they had some greater plan for me that I was not yet aware of.
One day, Guru Chen approached me, telling me that he and Lama Yang had a great request to ask of me, but that whether or not I would accept this calling would be up to me. I heard him out, promising that I would do my best, and Guru Chen told me that a sister temple was in need of my help, that they wished to send me there to aid them with my individual skills and services.
I didn’t know what skills I had that would be specifically requested, but I was extremely honored by this acknowledgement.
He informed me that the temple was unmarked and not known of by the general public. That it was hidden deep within a forest far into the countryside, and that not even I would be allowed to know it’s location. That if I chose to accept the call to aid them, that I would have my face covered and be driven there, and that if I wished to leave, the same process would be required.
After some careful thought and consideration, I accepted this request, feeling as though it was something I was meant to do, and the next day, I had a black hood pulled over my head, and I was taken away in a white van.
As the hours of the drive passed by, the last few growing extra bumpy and unsettling, I grew extremely nervous and fearful, but I decided to place my trust in Guru Chen, and meditate to find peace for the remainder of the drive.
When we arrived at my new home, I was led into the temple grounds, and then had my hood removed. The grounds were gorgeous, ancient pillars and statues stood proudly, carved with the depictions of guardian lions and phoenixes. Fountains with water deer prancing gleefully and spitting streams back into the basin were flowing to either side of me. Penjing trees and various Zen gardens stood in the corners of the yard. And various animals moved freely about the monks as equals.
The temple itself was clearly ancient, but well taken care of, with the words Jīngshén shǒuhù zhě Temple carved into a plaque above its entrance hall.
A vast forest surrounded the temple grounds for as far as the eye could see in every direction, standing tall and proud above the temple walls, yet untouched by modernization.
This place was as close to paradise as one could get.
I was introduced to my Guru Master Zhao, and the Lama of the temple, Master Huang, as well as various other monks and laypersons that were making their way about the area, performing their various chores and duties.
I was then shown to my modest, yet comfortable quarters. Unlike in Bao’ en, where I lived in shared dorms, here I had my own private quarters, though they were small and humble.
I spent the next several days exploring the grounds and performing my various tasks and duties, noticing many oddities about. Some of the other laypersons had tasks such as crafting arrows, even though we were all vegan, and did not hunt. The walls had defensive measures, such as palisades, ramparts, and reinforced gates. There was an armory with various ancient weapons and sets of armor, all well cared for, and always guarded by a trusted monk of the temple.
One day, as I was chopping fire wood in the temple garden, Guru Zhao approached me, adorned in his Kasaya robe and using a bo staff to help him walk. “Layperson Li,” He greeted me, reaching down to pet the temple Shar-Pei Xióng.
The dog had taken a liking to me right away, tending to follow me around, or lay by me and watch as I do my chores, perhaps since I always shared my food with him and offered him extra love and play whenever I had the time to do so. He seemed to have been a stray at some point in his life, given his scars, something we both had in common, but now he lived a comfortable life here at the temple, as did I.
“Master Zhao,” I immediately stopped what I was doing and bowed before my Guru.
“I require your specialized assistance with something this day,” He said.
“Of course, Master,” I replied. “Whatever I can do to help.”
“Good. Good,” He said. “We shall be heading deep into the Xiānnǚ Forest for the day. Your other responsibilities shall be excused and covered by your peers until we return. I have already cleared it with Lama Huang.”
I was already excited to be approached and asked for my aid specifically by Guru Zhao, but I grew blatantly giddy at this task especially, as I had yet to get the chance to enter the Xiānnǚ Forest, and I had been desperate to get out there and spend time amongst the beautiful nature that surely awaited me.
I chopped my axe into the chopping block, and then bowed again. “Ready when you are, Master.”
Guru Zhao looked to me, and then to the axe. “You’re going to want to bring that,” He said.
I grew confused as to why I would be bringing the wood chopping axe on our journey, but I didn’t question it, instead, reaching down and prying it back out of the chopping block and holding it firmly in my hand.
Then, Guru Zhao made his way out of the temple grounds and into the thick of the forest, and I excitedly followed along behind him.
“You are familiar with the stories of the various spirits of nature, yes?” Zhao asked as we walked through the thick forest of oak trees, my eyes darting around at the various plants and animals in wonderment, while also making sure to listen to my master’s words.
“Yes, Master. Of course,” I replied.
“What if I were to tell you, young Li, that these spirits are not just depictions of various aspects of nature and what they represent, but are actually real, living beings that guide the tides of the natural world themselves?”
I thought on that for a few moments. “I mean no disrespect, Master, but I guess if you were to tell me that, then I’d have to see them with my own eyes in order to believe it.”
Guru Zhao laughed. “As did I,” He said. “Let’s say hypothetically that this is what I am telling you. What then, if I told you that these spirits find sanctuary from the ever changing world in this forest, and that it is the duty of the monks of Jīngshén shǒuhù zhě Temple to protect them and this forest they call home.”
“Hypothetically,” I responded. “Then, I would say that it was a just and honorable calling for those monks to undertake.”
“Yes it is,” Zhao said. “It is our duty and our honor to protect these spirits from the forced colonization and modernization of the outside world, and the corruption that seeks them out as a result.”
We approached a beautiful and crystal clear pond then, surrounded by weeping willows, and Zhao came to a stop, watching as two water deer gently lapped at its waters that sparkled in the sun light.
“What if I were to say,” Zhao continued as we both peacefully looked on at the deer, a large grin having spread across my face. “That this temple needs someone like you, with your skills and experience, someone yet to take the sacred vows never to kill any living being, one that can and will fight, and kill, for the right reasons.”
My smile faded. “But Master, I chose this path as a life of peace and duty. I no longer wish to fight, or to kill.”
“I know, young Li,” Zhao said solemnly. “But if your life was in danger, if some being of violence and hatred was attempting to kill you, or one of your fellow monks, or one of those two deer there,” He pointed to them, and my gaze was drawn back their way, both of their heads now perked up and looking at us with soulful brown eyes. “Would you not fight in their defense? In your defense? Would you not kill if you were given no other choice?”
I adverted my gaze to the ground in shame, memories of all the violence I had committed in my short, but eventful life, racing through my mind. I knew I was still capable of fighting, of killing. I knew I would if the need arose. “I am not enlightened like the Buddha, Master. I am not yet free of my internal struggle against the violence within.”
The deer ran off, and Zhao gently rested a hand upon my shoulder.
I turned up to face him, seeing the genuine expression he wore.
“I know, young Li,” He said. “You are more wise for your age then you realize. Let your troubles fade for now, and let us continue onward.” He turned and started away from the pond, pushing the tip of his bo staff into the ground to help propel his elderly body forward. “The most important lesson of your life thus far awaits.”
We continued deeper into the forest, eventually coming across a rock outcropping with a cave entrance that led down into the ground.
Guru Zhao came to a stop, grabbing a torch from a sconce fashioned into the wall of the cave’s entrance. “Let me see your axe,” He said as he set down his bo staff, and I handed it over without hesitation. He set the torch down on a flat rock basin, knelt before it, and then picked up a slightly worn down rock that lay next to it, clashing it against the side of the axe’s head several times, spraying sparks over the torch head until it burst into flame.
“Here,” He said, getting back to his feet, clearly gritting his teeth at the pain in his old knees, and then handed me the torch and the axe. “You will need these inside.”
I looked to the dark cave entrance as I took the offered items, and then back to my master. “You want me to go in there?”
“Yes,” He said plainly, taking back up his bo staff. “You must lead them out here. The Xīxuèguǐ don’t like the sun, but they won’t be able to resist your blood. I must stay back and draw the sigil seal of the 8 sacred prayers. You must lead them through it, to purge the corruption from their infected bodies.”
I gulped, hoping this was some metaphorical ritual to initiate me into the temple order, but starting to believe Guru Zhao was being more literal than I would have liked.
I stepped up to the mouth of the cave, axe in my right hand, and torch in my left, and froze in fear.
“Go now, young Li,” Master Zhao urged me onward. “Your duty awaits.”
I summoned my courage and resolve, stepping inside the cave and making my way down the sloped path that led deeper inside, turning back once before he was out of my sight, to see that Master Zhao had begun carving a large circle into the dirt that spanned the width of the cave’s mouth with the tip of his bo staff.
As I made my way deeper down into the dark of the cave, my torch emanating a protective glow around me, I began to hear unnatural shrieks and screams, not knowing what to make of them, hoping that it was just bats using their echo location to see.
I began to smell the strong stench of rot and metallic blood within the musty air, eventually making my way into an open cavern littered with stalactites and stalagmites, my bare feet plopping down into puddles of water on the ground, and I continued onward, only stopping once the light of my torch reached their backs.
Standing before me in the cavern, facing away from me, stood several shivering, humanoid figures in the dark, most of their forms covered in shadow, though I could make out some of them. Their skin was teal, their ears sharp and pointing out the sides of their heads, tiny, fleshy wings hung from their shoulder blades, limp and useless, not possibly big enough to lift their human sized bodies aloft.
I stepped on something sharp as I shifted my weight, and I stepped back, looking down. I realized then the puddles I’d been stepping in weren’t puddles of water, or at least not fully, as they were crimson red with blood, and tiny bones were scattered around them.
Sweeping my torch around as fear took hold of my heart, I spotted the rotting remains of a man sprawled out to my left, patches off flesh having been torn off so thoroughly that the skeleton below was showing, his lifeless and withering eyes staring back at me. An ornamental, though now chipped and beginning to rust, Dao sword rested beside him, stained with blackened blood.
“Help me,” A little voice cried out, turning my gaze back up to the beings standing before me. “Please!”
The creature closest to me turned to face me, revealing its black, soulless eyes, its sharp rows of fanged teeth, its elongated fingers tipped with black claws, the two antenna on its bald head, and the small little being it held in its hand.
The tiny being that reached out for me, begging for my aid, resembled a nude and beautiful woman, unlike the sexless being that held her, with green skin and hair that made her look plant-like, her eyes resembling a Chinese Indigo, her little wings crushed and broken between the vile creature’s fingers.
The teal beast growled at me, lifting up the tiny being, and grabbing her top half with its left hand while it continued holding the bottom half firmly with its right.
“No! No! Ah!” The little being screamed as the creature that held it began to twist and pull, the flesh of her abdomen ripping as blood sprayed out from her, her spine cracking apart audibly, and then her cries going silent as she was fully torn in half.
I gasped in shock, my eyes going wide and my jaw dropping.
The creature then lifted her two halves, squeezing them above its open maw, and spraying her blood and innards into its mouth. It chewed twice as it brought its now blood-drenched face back down to gaze upon me, and then gulped.
After it swallowed, I could see its fingers slightly lengthen, its teeth protrude out further, no longer allowing it to fully shut its jaws, and red veins of blood spread into the corners of its black eyes, and then, it shrieked at me, the unnatural loudness of its volume carrying through the cavern and nearly bursting my ear drums.
All the others turned to face me too, then, letting out shrieks of their own, although there’s weren’t quite as loud as the first, and then all together, these nightmarish creatures rushed towards me.
I turned without hesitation, running back the way I came, feeling their swiping claws just behind my back and hearing their mad shrieks of hunger and rage over the ringing in my ears.
Sunlight drew near, and I caught sight of Master Zhao. “Over!” He yelled, pointing at the sigil he had drawn with the pointer finger of one hand and waving me on with his other.
At the last second, I realized what he meant, diving over the sigil drawn in the dirt in order to not destroy it, flinging my body through the air, and painfully tumbling across the ground.
I rolled through, feeling the ache in my left shoulder where it had taken my weight to the dirt, and managed back to my feet before my momentum cancelled out.
I gazed back at the mouth of the cave, seeing the beasts gather around right before the sigil and the rays of sunlight shining down upon it. Where before they seemed mindless, now they seemed scared.
Rounding the edge of the large circle Master Zhao had carved into the dirt, were eight smaller circles, each with their own depiction within, a lion, an elephant, a deer, a phoenix, the buddha, a sea shell, an orchid, and a tree, all interconnected with lines running through the large circle to one another.
The seeming leader of the creatures, the one that had killed the tiny being and appeared the most mutated of them all, looked down at the sigil, then back up to us, and stepped forward onto it.
I expected something to happen, for the creature to burst into flames or for it to be magically cured of its corruption, but it just stood there, and then smiled.
It shrieked, immediately joined by the others, and then they poured out through the mouth of the cave, all running over the sigil as if it were nothing, and rushing us as we continued to back away.
“Shit,” Zhao said, losing his calm and collected demeanor. “The corruption has fully consumed them, there is no bringing them back now! You must kill them, Li!”
“What!?” I called back, swiping out just as one of the creatures reached me, beating my torch across its face and causing it to scream as its flesh burned in a spray of sparks.
Their leader rushed Zhao, and Zhao held it off just in time with his horizontally held bo staff, shoving it back. “I can help you fight them! But I must not kill them! It is against my vows! But you can!” Zhao swung his bo staff around, cracking it across one side of the leader’s head, and then the other.
I swiped back with the torch to knock another one of the creatures away, and then as a third rushed me with an open maw, I shoved it head first through the thing’s mouth and into its throat.
The creature squeaked, backpedaling away, swiping at the torch as its throat burned and its skin blackened. It dropped to its knees as the others looked on, then fell to its side, curled up, and began to shrivel and turn black like a raisin as it died.
“Damn it! I didn’t want to kill again! I just want some fucking peace!” I snapped.
The other creatures looked to me, shrieked, and then rushed forward.
I spun around, firmly planting my heel into the sternum of the closest of their ranks with a roundhouse kick.
It gasped, spittle flying from its nightmare mouth as it shot back into two others, taking them to the ground.
I spun back around the other way as another of their kind rounded on me, now flinging the top of my foot into the side of its head, spinning it around and flipping it to the ground.
Another came for me, and I swung out with the axe, carving through its throat, the steel scraping against its spine, dropping it as it began to drown on its own blood.
I spun back around and carved the axe through the next approaching creature’s face, splitting open its features and carving out one of its eyes as it dropped.
Another came for me, thrusting out its clawed hand for my face, and I dropped into a squat, feeling the shearing sting of its claws carving through the flesh of my forehead, traveling across my shaved scalp, and scraping against my skull.
I hacked the axe it its abdomen, and then spun through the dirt on my heels, pulling the axe with me, and opening its belly, its grotesquely gray organs beginning to spill out in a wave of black blood.
Another ran at me, shrieking, and from my squatted position, I chopped off the fingers of its outstretched hand, sending them scattering in a spray of black blood, and then swung down and hacked the axe into its shin, sending it crashing forward, its face slamming into the dirt and skimming across the ground.
It turned back up with black blood coating its face, screeching, and swiped out at me with its good hand, carving its claws through the side of my abdomen.
I cried out in rage and pain, shot up to a standing position, and swung down with the axe, sinking it deep into the top of the creature’s skull, dropping its face into the dirt, instantly dead.
I looked over to Guru Zhao, who fought extremely well with his bo staff, managing to counter the leader’s claw swipes away and crack it across its body, but due to its increased strength and feral nature compared to the others, and his advanced age, he was beginning to falter, and I could tell he was in danger and needed my help.
The last one of its underlings shrieked and ran at me.
I tried to free the axe from its spot sunk into the other’s head, but it was too deep, and held firmly in place by its split skull, so at the last second, I caught the advancing creature’s outstretched hand and took control of its arm.
I spun it around, using its own momentum and the pressure I was applying to the joints of its wrist and arm to break its arm break while it screamed. I firmly planted the heel of my foot into the back of its calf, catching its foot against the dirt at an awkward angel. Its ankle snapped as its foot bent backwards, then as its weight fell, and I pressed all my weight into the back of its leg, its shin snapped as well, and it slammed down onto its knee.
I finished bending and breaking its arm back by the joints as it turned back to face me and screamed, and then I shoved the claws of its now limp hand down and into the side of its own neck, piercing its throat, and using the claws to hook and sever its jugular.
The creature gasped, spitting out a mouthful of black blood, as sprays of the same shot from its neck and cascaded down its torso in waves. I didn’t have time to watch it die, so I flung it to the ground, and then rushed to help Guru Zhao.
Their leader now had him pinned up against a tree, desperately shrieking as it attempted to sink its fangs into his neck, the older man barely holding it back now.
I threw my body into it without thinking, desperate to save my master, and tackled it to the ground.
It flipped me over, mounting me, and snapped down at my face.
I managed to dodge my head out of the way of its first bite, and Zhao cracked his staff over the back of its head, but it paid him no mind now, snapping down again, and although I managed to mostly avoid its second bite, this time, it took the bottom half of my left ear with it, tearing it off and gulping it down as it pulled its head back.
“The staff!” I yelled in pain, reaching out for it, feeling the warm blood running down my neck and the back of my head.
Zhao didn’t hesitate, throwing the staff into my hand, and as the leader snapped down at me again, I positioned the staff between us just in time.
It sank its fangs into the wood of the center of the staff, crunching down and breaking it in half, and then roared at me in such a way that it seemed to almost be laughing at my misfortune.
I pulled both halves of the staff back, and then thrust them back together with the leader’s head in-between, both shattered, sharpened pieces of wood piercing into the creature’s temples, thrusting through and squishing its eyes, and reconnecting as they stabbed through the bridge of its nose.
It quivered and shook, black blood dropping down to coat my face and enter my mouth through my gritted teeth, and then it limply dropped as dead weight a top me.
I spat and gagged, rolling over, and flinging the corpse off me.
“I’m sorry,” Master Zhao said solemnly after several seconds of relative quiet while I gagged and hurled. “I genuinely thought they could still be purified and saved. I didn’t know that your first mission would turn this violent, young Li.”
“Yeah,” I gasped out. “Me either.”
“Perhaps you have what it takes to be our new Zhànshì after all,” Zhao said with a sympathetic smile, holding out a hand to help me up.
I took it, and let him pull me back to my feet. “Zhànshì?” I asked.
“Yes,” He said plainly. “The warrior that fights for us and the spirits when our methods are not enough, when our vows would be broken to do anymore.”
I grew silent at that, taking a moment to process the fact that all of this was actually real.
“My bo staff,” Zhao looked down in sadness. “I’ve been using that same one for decades.”
“Feel free to retrieve it, Master,” I said with a wave of my hand, highlighting the disgusting visage that was the creature with two halves of a broken staff impaled through its face, feeling as though our joint fight for survival allowed me a little break in decorum.
“No,” Zhao said with a sly grin. “No, that is okay. I will have another crafted for me back at the temple. Come, young Li,” He added as he looked over my wounds and the gore that covered my body before starting away. “Let us get you and your wounds some treatment and much needed rest back at the temple. You’ve earned some rest and reward, I would say.”
I followed after him, agreeing with that statement, but then something crossed my mind as I remembered the man’s corpse back in the cave. “Master?” I asked.
“Yes?” He turned back to face me.
“You said I may have what it takes to be the temple’s new Zhànshì. What happened to the old one?” I asked.
Guru Zhao’s expression turned solemn once again. “He was killed, and devoured, by that creature there,” He said, pointing back behind me.
I turned and followed his direction, seeing that he was pointing to the leader of those creatures, the one I had just slain myself.
Just then, I could see that one of the creatures was still alive, crawling desperately back toward the cave while it wheezed and gasped. The one whose face I had carved open with the axe.
I turned to Master Zhao questioningly, and he nodded.
I made my way back over to the axe that was sunk into one of the creature’s heads, finding a new strength and resolve, and this time managing to pull it free.
I made my way over to the crawling creature, stood over it, then swung down with both hands and all my might, sinking the axe into its back and severing its spine.
When I pulled the axe free, although its legs were now limp, it continued to pull itself forward with its clawed fingers, gasping and crying.
Although I wished I did, I had no mercy for this thing left in my heart, and I hefted my bare foot up over its head, and brought it down with all my weight, my heel digging into the base of its skull where its head met its spine with a crunch, sinking in.
It dropped, finally dead, and I turned to rejoin Guru Zhao.
He gazed into my eyes curiously, seeing what resided within.
“Shall we go?” I asked as my own blood continued to run from my wounds.
He nodded, seemingly having found his answer. “We shall,” He said, leading me back into the forest in the direction of the temple.
It appeared no matter how much time and effort I had put in to smother the killer inside of me with peace, love, and understanding, that killer I found within during the Vietnam war was not gone after all. He had only went to sleep for awhile, and now, he had woken back up.