I couldn’t believe my luck when I won an OTK event to live with my favorite streamer, Asmongold. I was excited to spend a few weeks with him in his modest home in the suburbs of Austin, Texas. To give a little back story here: Asmon, as his fans affectionately called him, was one of the most popular streamers on Twitch, and I had been a dedicated viewer for years. All the way back to the days when he used to make solo guides for WoW.
When I arrived at Asmon’s house, he greeted me with a smile and showed me around the place. The living room was filled with gaming consoles, computers, and collectibles from his favorite games. His bedroom was a cluttered mess, with clothes, empty Wendy’s bags and soda cans strewn everywhere. But I didn’t mind. I was just happy to be there, hanging out with my favorite streamer.
The first few days were uneventful. Asmon and I spent most of our time gaming and chatting about our favorite games and moments from his streams. He would stream for a few hours a day and I would hang out with him and engage in the react content when able, but I stayed out of it for the most part. But after the first couple of nights, I heard loud banging coming from the roof. I assumed it was just squirrels or birds, but every night it seemed like the noise continued to get louder and more persistent.
The next morning, or afternoon rather, when Asmon woke up I decided to see if he knew anything about the noises.
“Yo, Asmon,” I greeted him, “Have you been hearing those crazy noises at night too, or am I just going crazy?”
“It’s those damn racoons again, man.” He threw his head back as he responded. “I’ve been meaning to call a pest guy and get them out here ‘cause I just don’t even wanna deal with anymore.”
“Are you sure it’s racoons? It sounds like someone is using an excavator to scrape away the roof of the house.”
“Yeah, it’s racoons. They’re a little bigger in Texas,” He assured me. “Too bad I can’t just ban em.”
We both shared a laugh at that, which really helped lighten my mood.
As the days passed, the banging on the roof continued, growing louder and more persistent. It seemed to be coming from all around the house, and I couldn’t help but feel a creeping sense of dread every time I heard it. I tried to ignore it, to focus on anything else, but the noise was there almost every night. A constant reminder that something was not right.
A few days later, Asmon and I were sitting upstairs, playing WoW and trying to clear Ulduar again. Gus was in the middle of providing some top tier content for the stream as usual when the banging reached a fever pitch. It sounded like something was trying to break through the roof, clawing and scratching its way closer and closer to us. Suddenly, there was a loud crash as a group of massive beasts burst through the ceiling. They were giant raccoons, with horns sprouting from all over their bodies, their eyes sunken and black, their giant fangs bared in a menacing grin and claws the size of my fingers. I had never seen anything like it before - these were no ordinary animals. I leapt out of my seat, my heart pounding in my chest. Asmon did the same, yelling, “What the hell?!” as we both scrambled to get out of the way.
We ran as quickly as we could to the stairwell. I tripped and tumbled down the stairs, almost getting bit by one of those monstrosities. I scrambled back to my feet and continued the escape. The demon racoons were luckily slowed down by all of the clutter laying around, giving us enough time to run out of the house and into my car.
I sped off and drove for about fifteen minutes before pulling over, finally getting a chance to process everything that had just happened. “What the hell, man!?” I asked frantically as I turned to Asmon, desperately hoping for some sort of explanation.
“I told you, man. Look, the racoons are a real problem. I’d make you graph to show you how big the racoons are in Texas vs the rest of the w-“
“The SIZE of the racoons isn’t the problem!” I cut him off. “Those… those… things came straight out of hell. Doesn’t the horns or giant claws strike you the least bit, I dunno, odd, terrifying, SOMETHING!?”
“I dunno dude. Look, just calm down. We’ll stay here for the night and if they’re still there tomorrow, we’ll show them what going BD is all about.”
I groaned. He wasn’t taking this seriously at all. I wanted to continue my protest. To grab him and shake some sense into him. But I was too confused what to even say to make sense of any of this. It took a little more convincing but I finally calmed down and at some point, must have fallen asleep because I woke up to the sun shining in my eyes.
I nudged Asmon with my elbow, telling him to get up. We both got out to stretch and get ourselves ready for whatever we were going to return to. The drive back for me was nerve wracking. What if they were still there? Should we call the police? The fire department? Who even deals with stuff like this?
Once we got back to his house, we entered with caution. The front door was still wide open so we could see a decent bit of the house from the doorway. The place was in shambles. Those demonic rodents had chewed through walls, gathered garbage to make nests and just completely trashed the place. Even more so than it already was. But they seemed to be gone. At least for now.
“What are we going to do about these things?” I asked Asmon, as we surveyed the damage to the house.
“We need to clean up this place,” he said, his voice grim. “These raccoons are attracted to all the trash. We’ll have to get rid of it if we want to keep them away.”
We worked tirelessly for days. We would clean up the house during the day, hauling away bags of trash and go sleep in my car at night, away from the house. It was hard work, but it felt good to be making progress. As we worked, Asmon kept spirits up mentioning how each bag of trash is just more experience gained and other quips to make the mountain of a task feel a bit more fun.
“You know, man,” he said to me, wiping the sweat from his forehead. “I never thought I would be doing this, but those raccoons won. After all these years, the house is finally getting cleaned up.”
“You’ll be alright,” I reassured him. “Better to have to clean than deal with those freakish monsters.”
We were so close to clearing everything out. We had decided to just get it done and worked tirelessly into the night, barely stopping to eat or rest. The deed was finally done. The last bag of trash was thrown into the dumpster. We thought we had finally gotten rid of the raccoons for good. But we were wrong.
That same night, the raccoons returned, and they were angrier than ever. They had claimed the house as their own, and they were furious that we had tried to take it away from them. Asmon grabbed his Zweihänder, determined to protect his home and me at any cost.
“Stay back,” he warned me, as he raised his sword. “These things are lookin’ for a fight.”
The battle was epic. Asmon swung his sword with all his might, but the raccoons kept coming. They screeched and clawed at us, their eyes blazing with hatred.
“Watch out!” I shouted to him. “Two on your left!”
One of them lunged at Asmon, sinking its teeth into his arm and sending him crashing to the ground. I could hear his labored breathing as he struggled to fight off the beasts. I knew I had to do something, or he would be killed. So, I grabbed a nearby lamp and smashed it over the head of one of the raccoons, sending it sprawling to the ground.
He managed to get back on his feet, his face covered in sweat and drops of blood. “We need to get out of here,” he gasped. “These things are too strong. We’ll never be able to fight them off.”
Together, we managed to make our way to the door, dodging the raccoons as they swarmed around us. We burst out into the night air, the cold wind whipping at our faces. Asmon’s arm was bleeding badly, and I could see the fear start to set in as he looked back at the house.
“I don’t know if we can go back there,” he said, his voice shaking. “Those things…they’re not normal. They’re something else.”
I nodded, my heart pounding in my chest. He was finally starting to realize the gravity of the situation but I couldn’t let all of our efforts go to waste. “We need to figure out what to do,” I said. “We can’t just leave them there.”
He looked at me, his eyes filled with a mix of gratitude and fear. “You’re right,” he said. “We can’t let those things win. We have to fight back.”
We crept back up to the front door. I stopped and motioned for him to grab the door handle. I used my keys to pry the bolts of the door hinges up and we pulled the door off to use as a shield. We pushed back into the house just far enough to get back to the sword.
Asmon claimed his blade once more and fought like a man possessed, his sword flashing through the air as he cut down the raccoons one by one. But there were so many of them, and they kept coming, their numbers seeming to multiply with every passing moment.
All I could hear was my heart pounding in my chest and the blood rushing past my ears as I braced the door as a shield for Asmon. The adrenaline surged through my veins with every swipe of their claws and gnashing of their teeth. We were both covered in blood, our clothes torn and ragged. One of the racoons came from the side and nearly bit my throat. I couldn’t help but freeze, fear finally sinking in. I dropped the door, or rather the small piece of it that was left. I curled up into the fetal position. This wasn’t a game. This was real life. How could this be happening? This was supposed to be the opportunity of a life time but this is a nightmare. Where do things like this even come from?
I could feel my mind fracturing. None of this made sense. I didn’t want to be here anymore. My stomach rolled, my mind blanked and my body went limp.
Finally, after what to me felt like hours, the last of the raccoons lay dead at Asmon’s feet. He limped over to and stabbed his sword into the carpet.
“I got their asses.” He said to me between labored breaths.
I finally lifted my head up to look at him. He was badly injured, but alive. We both were thanks to his bravery. We looked at each other and I could see the relief in his eyes.
“We did it,” he said, his voice hoarse. “We beat them back.”
I nodded, too brain dead to speak. It was a hard-fought victory, but it had come at a heavy cost. His wounds were deep, and I knew that he needed medical attention as soon as possible. It took a few moments for me to compose myself but once I did, I got back to my feet.
“We need to get you to a hospital,” I said. “You’re badly hurt.”
Asmon just smiled, his face pale and drawn. “I’ll be fine,” he said. “I’m a warrior, remember? I’ve been through worse than this.”
But I knew that he was lying. His injuries were serious, and he needed help. We made our way to the car and I helped him as he stumbled along beside me. I could feel his weight on my shoulder, and I knew that if I let go, he would fall.
As I drove to the hospital, I couldn’t help but think about all that had happened. The raccoons, the fighting, the injuries. It had been hell and I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to mentally recover from it.
But despite all of that, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride even though my cowardice got the best of me. We had fought back against real monsters, against the things of nightmares. Against all odds we had won and it was all thanks the One True King himself.
As we pulled up to the hospital, I sped into the emergency lane by the E.R. I jumped out of car to help get him out and I could already hear hospital staff behind me coming to help.
“See,” Asmon said. “I told yall not just any mere mortal could live with me.” He grinned with contentment and his eyes closed as he fell into unconsciousness. I knew that he was going to be okay, that he would pull through. But I also knew that I would never forget what had happened, and the lessons that I had learned about the true nature of the world we lived in.