It stinks everywhere. It’s coming from downstairs but i can’t even be up in ny room without being aware of it. Its numbing all my senses at this point. I run down holding my breath, catch some bread or something from the kitchen and dash back over here. Take a bite, gag, puke in the toilet. Its just the horrible smell. Its even in the food ffs. I quite enjoy food otherwise. I must eat afterall. Yesterday’s rotten spaghetti floats on the water, worm-like.
Its 7pm. I’m so hungry. I feel faint. Guess I’ll just drink water for dinner today. Again. I didn’t want to bother the neighbours w the godawful stink so I blocked out all openings in doors and windows with wet cloth. I walk downstairs to do the usual spraying them with this baking soda and vinegar solution thing. I’m not sure it its working. I can’t go out either. Awesome.
“I’m stuck in here with you. Do you hear me??” I throw a small browning slice of apple left on the kitchen counter for god knows how long, at mum. It did a most delightful landing right in the gaping hole I perfectly carved out into her pot belly the other day. “If only you could see how pretty you are now you’d never want to look like me again, mum. Or how I used to. You look like 20years younger! You are very, very pretty. The girls at school would agree.”
I wasn’t always like this. I was so lovely. Daddy always said so. But when he was gone she fed me so much. And ate twice the amount. All that disgusting overfried burnt fat shit. “They say mean things to me at school mum!! Everyone is always looking at me!!” “If they look at you pluck their eyes out, ok? You look pretty my little sweet. Btw I heated pizza for dinner. You must eat”. So I ate. I became gross like her. I honestly can’t look at myself without punching my reflection in the mirror. Mum used to have no mirror in her room. But she has mine now.
“You were the problem. This was all you” I say, sobbing between gulps of water now. “You made me like this!!!” I walk over to her and bare hand shove out handfuls of intestine onto the floor. It smells so foul i wanna die. I smear her face in all that black green red crap. I look at her reflection in the mirror i put on the other side. “You look just like the horrid shit you ate and fed me. CAN YOU SEE THAT MUM?! I lied, you’ll never be pretty!!!!”
I sit down with the same kitchen knife now beside mum, holding her hand. It is soft, like when she was still here. “I love you so much, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” I hate myself so much. Sobbing, I grasp it firmly in hand. I need to do this now. I need to. My whole belly by now is covered in experimental jabs and scratches by my ameture self, not knowing how best to do it. I can’t keep putting this off much longer you know? I just need to be strong now.