A month ago, I woke up to the sound of my husband knocking on my back door in the middle of the night. I knew I shouldn’t have invited him in. The logical half of my brain told me it couldn’t be how it was before.
But I loved him.
-
He looked like hell. He was dirty and his face was drawn. His eyes were dark, and he smelled.
But he was still my husband.
We spoke in the front room on the couch; careful not to wake our children.
He couldn’t let me go. He said he needed me. He told me he could do his best to fix everything that happened.
The sad part was, I still wanted to be with him, even though I knew it would ruin my life. Even though I knew it would ruin the lives of our children.
“Jerry, this is so much to take in.”
“I know.”
“I can’t believe any of this.”
“I know. But I’m here now, aren’t I? I can’t change what happened. I can only beg you to stay with me.”
“I… Jerry… I love you, but I can’t.”
“It wasn’t my fault and you know that.”
“I know.”
“If I could change it, I would.”
“Jerry… I can’t. I can’t be with you. I can’t give you what you’re asking of me.” His eyes seemed to get darker. I swear they were almost black. He pressed his lips together and stared at the floor. I could tell he was trying to think of the one thing he could say that might make me change my mind.
He did.
“I could take them from you. If this is how it’s going to be, what other choice would I have?”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Don’t I?”
“Jerry…”
“I could just take them. I could make sure you never see them again. They’d hate me for a little while, but eventually after enough time passed, they’d be happy I took them with me.” I was fighting back tears.
“You go from begging me to stay with you to threatening to take the kids?!”
“Damn right.”
“Get out.”
He stands up and looks down on me. He walks toward the front door and then stops by the stairs. He looks up.
“No. I don’t think I will.”
My heart sinks. I never should have invited him in.
“I’m leaving here tonight with all of you… or some of you… you’re going to have to make that decision.”
“The man I was married to would never talk like this.”
“The man you were married to is dead. I’m all that’s left behind. Now we can stay together and work this thing out, or you can throw away everything.”
“How are we supposed to work it out?”
“By accepting it and moving on.”
I could hear it in his voice. The resolve. He wasn’t going to leave.
I didn’t want to give in. I knew he was backed into a corner and felt he had no choice, but for the first time, I hated him. I had prayed so hard to have him back, and now that he was here, I wanted him gone.
There was nothing I could do. I invited this into my life.
-
We looked in on Molly and Sarah while they were sleeping. Eight and six.
They looked like little angels with their covers tucked under their chins; blissfully unaware that their father was making a decision that would change their lives forever.
Forever.
I reasoned with myself that he was going to take them from me. That’s why I agreed.
“Ok. Ok. Let’s go into the room.”
“Are you serious?!” I could hear my old husband’s voice coming out of my new husband’s face. The one that sounded like a kid on Christmas morning.
“Let’s go.”
-
He took a shower, content that I wouldn’t flee with the kids. He would have found me if I did. There was no running from him.
When he walked back in the room, he looked more like the man I was married to. All the dirt and grime had been washed away. That terrible smell he had brought with him was gone.
“Baby, I love you. I will always love you. I promise, it’ll be better than it was before. You still love me don’t you?”
“You’re using our kids.”
“Do I have a choice?”
“Do I?”
We laid down together. He kissed me. He was still cold. He started kissing my neck and I pushed him away. I stared into those dark eyes.
“They can never know it was you who did it. I don’t care what we tell them, but they can never know it was you.”
“I promise.”
“It’s going to hurt them, isn’t it?”
“They’ll sleep right through it. They won’t feel a thing, I promise. In a few days, they’ll wake up and they’ll be fine. We’ll both be there to make sure they’re safe, and then we can all go anywhere we want. Our family will always be together.”
I hated him and I loved him. I nodded my head.
I stared at the picture of all of us on the dresser as Jerry sank his teeth into my neck. We would always look like we did in that picture.
As I faded away from my old life, I thought of everyone else. Our parents and brothers and sisters. They had already grieved the death of Jerry; taken from them by some kind of animal. Now they would go through it all over again with me and the girls.
You understand don’t you?
I felt like I had no choice.
He was going to take my children.
I never should have invited him in.