Have you ever had a dream that felt so real it felt like it really happened?
A dream that was so potent it felt less like a dream and more like a buried memory, coming to life and playing in your mind while you sleep, reminding you of thoughts and emotions you never remembered were there.
I never used to dream, until now that is.
Now I ask myself the same question as I lie awake here in the night alone, with only my thoughts as my company. My thoughts, dark and twisted as they have become, are they truly mine anymore? Could they be shades of another’s life? I don’t know.
In the dark, these thoughts can warp and twist and become something that I never before thought I could create out of the fabric of my own mind. Twisted demons of doubt and uncertainty plague me and I feel as if I am going mad.
Madness, yes perhaps that would be preferable. There is a strange sense of certainty in madness. Madness implies a dismissal of reality and refusal to acknowledge anything as real or not, when there are no real answers, the questions don’t matter anymore. But if you are not mad, if you try to cling to reality, then you are forced to reckon with the questions and the one I struggle with now
“Is what is happening to me all real?”
That question and the lack of a definitive answer has forced me to doubt my own perception, thoughts and sanity. Maybe it is all just phantom conjurations, caused by an undiagnosed night fever or infection that has afflicted my mind.
I consider that it would be the most comforting of notions compared to the alternative; the alternative which I know could never be true and yet I cannot refuse its existence any longer. Amidst all troubling questions of my sanity, I have a much simpler one
“Shall I sleep tonight?”
A silly question I know, one with an undeniable answer to almost any who would ask it. The question would seem confusing, rhetorical and absurd if asked with sincerity by a normal person to another. Yet, I do genuinely ask myself if I should sleep tonight, indeed if I can sleep tonight. Is the mercy of rest worth the price, the price of my sanity?
Oh yes, the act would be merciful for I am very tired and I have not slept in days. The pills, the caffeine, the stimulants, they will not work forever. Am I postponing the inevitable? It can’t hurt me; it is just a dream.
“It is not real, you cannot be real!” I scream out loud, with rising frenzy in my voice.
I check my outburst and fall back into the solemn reverie of my writing, I must finish this account before it is too late. I feel so tired and I reflect on how I have taken so many aspects of my life for granted; sleep, for instance. Before now I would lay my head down and sleep until I woke up the next morning. I never really remembered my thoughts or dreams when I slept, to the point where I did not think I did dream. Yes, while I slept I only knew peace.
People never appreciate something until it’s gone. Now I grapple with the fear that I can no longer rest without having to face the memories, the dreams…….and her.
“No!”
I keep telling myself, sometimes out loud. I know it is just a dream, just a terrible dream it is not real. The soft glow of the laptop, the only light in the room highlights my panicked countenance and gives my reflection a deranged appearance.
I steady my frenzied breathing and try to focus my thoughts. In my haze I notice something odd and I begin to wonder what happened to the other lights? I thought I had left them on. No matter I must have wanted it dark anyway; yes dark, perfect to get some sleep.
So silly I must just be going crazy; I am in no danger. All of this trouble simply because of a dream, a sweet little dream; yes, all this worry just because for the first time in my life I had begun to dream.
Apologies I forgot to introduce myself, my name is …….. Simon, yes Simon, that’s right. I feel like I should have more to tell, but I am having a lot of trouble remembering at the moment, perhaps it is the lack of sleep. Nevertheless, I do not have much to tell about myself. I used to live a quiet and simple life, alone in a small apartment near where I grew up. I have no ambition and no particular goals or purpose to speak of; I guess I have always been okay with that.
I have few friends, just acquaintances really, from work and back from my days in school. Indeed many of these friends have moved on with their lives and gone on to bigger and better things, following their dreams so-to-speak. Some would still call every now and then to check-in, but for the most part, they have moved on with their lives.
I always told myself they must have forgotten me, or had I forgotten them? I just cannot seem to recall, I can scarcely remember their names, but I have always been bad with names. Perhaps they did not forget, perhaps they never really knew me at all. Indeed I always felt alone, for my friends had their hopes, their dreams and mine always seemed destined to be forgotten.
Despite my loneliness, I used to consider myself somewhat content. I had a decent job as a manager in a local store, and despite my absence of real friends, I had an abundance of people I socialized with online through the various video games and social channels I participated in. Additionally, I would attend the occasional get-together with some people from work, mostly the ones who are actually somewhat close to my age, as many of my coworkers are much older than me. It was at one of those get-togethers where the turning point of my life occurred and my descent began.
I will try for any readers sake here, to come to grips with the events of the last two weeks. My hands shake as I try to type this record, perhaps for posterity. Maybe if someone learns from what happened they can do something about it, if they find themselves in this living nightmare. Likely not though.
I start to cast my mind again into the past few weeks. My mind is getting foggy, and I know I will need at least a wink. Yes, I will rest for a bit, but not before I finish at least this part of my account, no, I must finish that, now where was I? The beginning two weeks ago.
I remember I was invited to a birthday party for a coworker and decided to attend. I still don’t remember whose birthday it was, Linda, Laura? It was L something; anyway, I have always been terrible with names, even my own coworkers. They normally have a get-together every week for various reasons and I normally make up some excuse as to why I am busy and can’t go, but this time I decided to give it a shot. Who knows I might accidentally have a good time, but worst case scenario, it costs me a couple hours of whatever video games or other business I would normally attend to on Saturday evening, so no big loss.
It was a slightly boring affair at first. I didn’t really have much common ground besides work, so I avoided all but the most direct questioning. I awkwardly mingled in the periphery of various conversations with people I did not know very well until at last I was starting to regret my decision and I decided to head home.
On my way out, I bumped into a woman who I did not recognize from work. After slight embarrassment for almost spilling her drink, I saw her face and was taken aback. It was a surreal experience almost like Deja vu when I saw her; she looked instantly familiar, yet infinitely mysterious. She had such piercing and unique eyes, such a deep shade of gray. Those eyes unnerved me, but they also attracted me, so I did something very out of character for me, rather than excusing myself out of embarrassment and leaving, I talked to her.
She introduced herself and I learned her name was Sabrina Cohen and she was new in town, having just moved here the previous month. She also happened to have moved in next door to one of my coworkers who had been invited. They had decided to invite her to come along and meet some new people.
She seemed very shy and soft-spoken at a glance as if afraid of being looked at too closely, but when I looked in her eyes it was almost as if she was holding something back about her true self, something dangerous, perhaps predatory.
She may have sensed how compelling I found her. Indeed I was probably bad at hiding just how much I was infatuated by her. Hey very presence drew me in and I had to do my best not to be awkward in my attempt at meeting her hypnotic gaze. I was shocked when it appeared she felt the same towards me, since we talked for some time.
I was dazed and almost hypnotized by her grace and beauty, her speech, her eloquence, but her eyes mostly her eyes, I could lose myself in those eyes. We talked about anything and everything and I felt like in a short span of time I really knew her, and she really knew me.
Soon, I noticed the party was wrapping up. We had ended up spending almost the whole time together talking and connecting. We were on the way out when she pulled my arm, looking longingly at me. She leaned towards me and whispered in my ear
“You know, the party doesn’t have to be over for us.”
She left the last word hanging in the air as she fixed me with her eyes once more and grinned at me.
I nearly gasped aloud in disbelief that she would be interested in me, like that.
My brain got stuck in a loop and I was speechless, just continuing to think
“Oh my God, this is happening so fast, is this really happening?”
I finally tried to reciprocate the statement out loud without seeming too eager. I managed to lamely stutter out
“Oh, okay awesome, yeah let’s get out of here”
I felt my face redden at how badly and nervously I had said that. I saw her suppress a faint giggle at my own perceived embarrassment and she took my arm to indicate that she was not bothered in the least.
I offered to take her back to my place and see what she had in mind. To my amazement, she agreed readily as if expecting me to propose this to her and she smiled beautifully. I was overcome by the events of the night and elated to have met her. I could not believe that I had met a person so seemingly perfect for me. I felt hopeful for the first time in a long time.
Looking back now I know I was a fool, I should have known that in life some things are too good to be true and hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.
We got back to my apartment and we settled in on my couch. I was nervous so I offered her another drink, things were going well and I was thrilled that we were making such a great connection. We were still talking and she reached out to hold my hand, when very suddenly she paused looking very confused and almost frightened.
I was concerned and tried to take her hand, asking her
“What’s wrong?”
She recoiled and pulled her hand away when I had leaned in closer and she jumped back suddenly as if startled. For a split second, it seemed like her eyes flashed a different color, a hint of green could be seen in them for just a moment.
“Are you okay?”
I asked, keeping a respectable distance now to not startle her like before.
“Oh I,”
She stammered out, looking more and more confused until suddenly she blinked twice and seemed to regain her confidence and composure. The panicked look was gone, replaced by the dazzling, seductive and eager eyes from before. The sudden change had worried me and I was getting a bit uncomfortable. Noticing the apprehension on my face she leaned in towards me, arresting me with her stare and before I could utter a word she kissed me passionately and I fell away from the moment and forgot my questions and concerns.
Then she paused, leaned in towards me and just when I thought she was going to kiss me again, she pressed her lips near my ear and whispered,
“Sleep now and dream your sweet dream for me.”
I was not sure what she meant but before I could figure out what was going on I fell into a deep sleep.
At the time, I thought that it would be the best night of my life. I thought it was the beginning of something special, I never thought it would be the beginning of the end instead.
I woke up in my bed to the blaring of my alarm; I had forgotten to turn it off last night, and I did not need to be up this early on a Sunday. I sat up with a start, trying to figure out how I got here. I was on the couch having drinks with Sabrina, she kissed me and then… then what, what happened, I fell asleep? Oh no, I am such a loser.
“A pretty girl comes to your house after a party to have drinks with you and you fall asleep in front of her; real smooth.”
She must have taken me to my bed and then left. Well that was nice of her to tuck me in at least.
“Too bad she will never want to see me again.”
I felt so embarrassed I might die. I was sincerely thinking about just staying there and going back to sleep, but I decided to get up anyway. Maybe she left a note or her number I thought hopefully, not really believing the idea. I supposed I should not be too negative; I remembered how much we had connected and thought that maybe she would leave some contact information for me.
I decided to look around and see. I was just getting out of bed when something caught my eye overhead. I looked up straight above my bed and I was puzzled by what I saw. I had not noticed it when I first woke up. Yet there it was, hanging above my bed like some strange icon. It was an old and strange looking dream-catcher. Slightly confused as to the origin of this item I inspected it. Could Sabrina have left this here?
I sat down on my bed and looked up at the thing. It did not look like a traditional dream-catcher. It seemed to possess an aura of ancient and incalculable age, yet paradoxically appeared almost glossy or shiny like something new. It looked like some substance had washed over it to make it look like something that it was not.
It possessed eight small tassels with connected bead strands that dangled beneath the central circle, where feathers would be traditionally. The central circle was an arcane pattern of scarlet thread, woven less like a net and more like a circular window. The circle felt so strange to look at, like it would pull me into its intricate angles somehow.
I sat up and stared more intently; it almost felt as if I was being drawn into the image, and for a brief second, I thought I had seen the gleam of gray eyes in the circular frame of the thing. Then I reached up and took the thing in hand. It felt cold to the touch, almost icy. This was very strange and I did not know any type of material that was not metal or something, to retain a temperature like that. Indeed it seemed to act like metal, but there was none apparently visible in its composition.
I turned the thing over in my hand and noticed a small paper note that had been folded over many times and affixed to the side of the dream-catcher in a small hollow on the side.
Could this be a note from Sabrina? I pulled the note off carefully and unfolded it. The note appeared to be some sort of strange poem, written in a crabbed and eerie handwriting.
It was titled: “The sweet dream of the dead”.
The actual content of the poem was very disturbing, it read:
“A dream, a dream, so short so sweet, a lovely thing you know,
But in these dreams, these lovely dreams where do you truly go?
To where you dream of someplace far, or someplace very near?
The distance moot, whilst dreams a flute play songs of something dear.
Dear to your heart your dream will start, oft happy will begin.
But dreams, oh dreams, so short so sweet, will fade away again.
And once they fade then you will ask where did the dreamscape go?
It felt so real, so very real, but even you won’t know.
Then comes the pain and comes the fear, a nightmare now it seems.
The ones you love and try to keep will never hear you scream.
Yet that’s alright, scared in your plight, you’ll dash and run and flee.
Away from her, away from it, away from all you see.
The things you see that cannot be, yet feel so very real.
Yet they can’t be you tell yourself while panicking you’ll feel.
So you press on in disbelief, press on in mounting fear.
A dream, a dream, so soft and sweet is something that you’ll hear.
Hear from a voice, a voice so calm, a voice so crystal clear.
The voice says, Dreams so soft and sweet must cost you something dear.
You’ll try to run down every road and run round every bend.
No matter how you run or hide, she’ll have you in the end.
And in the end, with broken dreams, in your last breath you’ll know,
what faces those who come to find the place where dead dreams go”
I felt very shaken and confused when I read the bizarre and terrifying poem that came with the equally bizarre dream-catcher and resolved to find out where the hell it came from. I was angry now. Sabrina had played some prank on me by leaving this bizarre trinket behind. Was this some kind of cruel joke?
I had told her I never dream; at least I never remember them; was this some way of making fun of me? I felt unsure of what to do, but also tired, very tired in fact. I tried to resist the sudden urge, but I fell back onto my bed as if struck by a blow and rather than fight the strange impulse I gave in and decided to go back to sleep after all.
I awoke drenched in sweat, my heart racing. I had no concept of how much time had passed since I had fallen asleep.
“Simon…” a voice called in the distance.
My eyes finally focused in the gloom so that I could see that I was not in my room anymore. I was outside in the middle of a vast and terribly dark forest. I was not even in my bed anymore it had vanished somehow and I was inexplicably standing in the middle of a dark forest, with no trace of where I had come from or how I had gotten here.
All of the sudden I heard that soothing but ominous voice cry out again, closer this time,
“Simon…”
I shivered and reflexively backed away from where I thought the voice was coming from. I did not know how or why someone was calling for me out here, but I was too scared to move or speak at the moment, so I just stood there and listened as the voice grew louder.
“Simon, I know you are here, my sweet, little thing, come here to me and I will help put you back to rest……”
That voice it couldn’t be; was that voice Sabrina’s, but how? How was she here? Was she looking for me? Did I sleepwalk all the way out here somehow? Why was it so dark? And why did she not sound concerned, but sounded longing and somehow hungry?
I started to fall back away from the voice without really knowing why. I took a couple of steps in the opposite direction and suddenly a strong smell assailed me. It smelled like a sickly sweet aroma of too many types of perfume mixing together. At first, I found this smell unbearable, but soon my opinion changed. It smelled enticing and delicious and I found the aroma so irresistible I slackened my pace. Eventually, I stopped completely, and then I began unconsciously walking back toward the source of the smell.
I was staggering forward, almost in a trance and once again I heard the voice, reassuring but menacing all at the same time.
“Simon, oh sweet, Simon, let me help you, soon this nightmare will be over and you will find your sweetest dream with me. But first, you must come to me.”
The voice drew me in and comforted me, promising me all the dreams I never knew I had and all the things I never knew I had wanted.
“No don’t listen!”
The thought rushed into my head out of nowhere, urgently spoken by a different voice in my head.
What the…? Who or what was that? It sounded like a woman’s voice in my head, Sabrina’s voice? But different somehow. I continued slowly walking toward the voice, while it continued growing louder and louder, all the while the sweet smell grew stronger, more overwhelming. Then as I walked a form emerged from the shrouding vapors of fog and perfume.
It was Sabrina, or was it? She was completely naked and her form was unspeakably beautiful. And those eyes, those eyes shown a blazing light that I had never before seen but only seen hinted in them. The gaze was beautiful, seductive and lovely, but also dreadful and imperious, brokering no argument about what she desired.
She willed me to come forth and so I would, any restraint or voice in my head warning of the danger had been reduced to just a whisper now. I walked ever closer towards her, and she outstretched her arms as if to accept me in her embrace and hold me forever.
I moved close, almost close enough to touch her, seemingly oblivious to the fact that those dark and lovely eyes were almost completely black now.
Then I heard a terrified shout,
“SIMON WAKE UP NOW! YOU ARE IN DANGER, PLEASE WAKE UP, DON’T TRUST HER!”
I snapped out of my daze just in time to see that Sabrina had vanished. All I heard was a mournful and dejected sigh and saw a pair of terrible black eyes fading into the shroud of mist and vapors that had suddenly moved away from around where I was standing. I was so confused about what had happened. Before I had another second to think about the strange event, I thought I heard Sabrina’s voice again, pleading,
“No please, please don’t, please don’t!”
Then silence.
What was happening? My vision blurred and in an instant, I felt displaced like I was somewhere else, somewhere near where I just was but not there. It was foggy here too and I felt panicked and felt somehow like I was no longer in my own skin. I took a shaky step forward and tripped over a heel, a high heel shoe that I was wearing? I barely had time to register the fact I was wearing heels when suddenly I cried out loud against any direct impulse under my control.
I heard it then my voice was not right, it sounded feminine and nothing like my own before. I cried out again without thinking
“Please leave me alone”
That voice, my voice, Sabrina? How? Suddenly the shadow of a long arm terminating in a wicked claw reached for me, I was pulled violently into the thick fog and I screamed one last time.
I woke up again drenched in sweat, a fading whisper ringing out in my semi-conscious mind, it was fading fast, yet it called out to me,
“Who are you?……”
I shook my head in a confused and terrified daze. I checked and was grateful to see that this time I was in my actual bed. It was noon now and my alarm was blaring again, hadn’t I turned it off? It was just a dream, wasn’t it? A dream, yes it must have been, but it felt so real, like I was actually there. Is this what dreams are often like? No, it can’t be, this was definitely a nightmare if anything. If this was common fare, I was grateful I had not been able to dream, at least not until now.
A sound snapped me out of my contemplation, it was the dream-catcher, and somehow it had made a harsh, metallic sound while swinging. This didn’t make any sense it did not appear to have any metal parts when I first examined it and how was it hanging over my bed again all the sudden? I pulled it down once more and took a closer look at it.
Sure enough, when I rolled it over in my hand I saw what appeared to be a metallic spike or sliver of some unknown metal, replacing what had once been one of the simple tassels. I saw something slowly appear as I stared at the object; in the center was it a pair of eyes? They looked straight at me and began to focus and change color from a deep gray to black. I stood transfixed again lost in these eyes somehow familiar…. I jumped with a start as the alarm started blaring again, I had only hit snooze instead of turning it off.
My surprise was followed by a painful realization. I had dropped the dream-catcher and the strange new metal part had cut my hand as it fell, why was it sharp?
I thought it was strange when I noticed my hand was bleeding a lot for what had seemed like such a little cut. It was even stranger the blade had no blood on the tip. I regarded the creepy object for another moment and went to the bathroom to get a bandage for my hand.
I did not want to sit here and wait for answers, so I decided I had no more time to dwell on it. I was going to look for Sabrina and find out where she had found this disturbing item, and why she left it with me. This was just too much. I had to find out what this thing was and where it came from.
That was how it began at least I think it was. Forgive me I am so tired I need to sleep. The fear cannot dissuade me any longer. I will say a prayer and lie down. Hopefully if I am okay I can continue this account next time.
Be well my friends and be mindful of your dreams.