Hey everyone, I know that title sounds unbelievable, but a couple friends of mine are “explorers”, or, as some might call them, semi illegal grave diggers. Anyways, on one of their recent trips from someplace up far North they brought back this bizarre terrifying statue, and since I love horror media I felt I just had to own it, and so I bought it from them.
The thing is kind of hard to describe, it’s like a flattened black spiky humanoid or a stick man with thin limbs, like someone sculpted a sketch, it’s got this large mouth with giant sharp black teeth and the eyes are a stark white with no pupils. Oh, and it’s longer than me and has these Viking esque art details enshrined on it.
All my friends could tell me was that it was part of some Scandinavian legend and that it was supposed to be alive, and also that it hungers, whatever that means.
Of course I laughed at that, but then I discovered that it really is alive. It’s just slow, incredibly slow. It stands in a corner of my room, at first it had both feet on the ground, but when I checked on it after two weeks one of them was in the air, but just barely though.
Ok, so me being the funnyman that I am, I thought I would show the whole world this and that I would make people laugh too. So I set up a way to film it and I put a table with a hamburger plushie on it in front of the statue, then I tied a label saying “I hunger for McDonalds” around the neck of it.
It was great, during a period of weeks the statue, perhaps in anger, tore off the label, though it was uninterested in the burger plushie. I was going to upload the film of it on the internet, though people would call it fake at first it would eventually be proven real as long as I kept the statue as evidence, right? I could show it to the James Randi foundation or something similar and win their paranormal prize money.
That used to be my idea.
But now that I’m sitting here writing this, with the statue in the corner past my computer screen, next to the door out of this room, I can’t stop thinking about cats.
Why? Because I like them? Because they’re cute? Because cats are all over the internet? No, it’s a creeping feeling of dread. I must think. It’s because… cats are funnymen too. Cats are pranksters.
Cats also like to be entertained, so they play games with their prey.
I don’t want to look at the corner, but I have to.
The statue is in a completely different pose from what it was this morning, that shouldn’t be possible, it’s not that fast. What if…
It is alive, but it is only slow when it wants to be.
What if… the playtime ends once the thing knows I’m aware of that?