Be aware, this story deals with topics like, psychedelics, other drug use, and psychosis, it may not be for all readers.
“Hey Jordan! Come and do a line with me!”Kaleb called me over, greedily snorting up the fine, white power on the table. Despite my current state, I gazed over at him, eventually finding myself sitting next to him, delusionally following his lead. Rubbing my nose, I jolted up, shaking my body out. Soon enough, I was dancing to the blaring EDM. Lights flashed around me in more colors than I could count. I screamed in euphoria as the full front of everything I’d taken that night hit me. About 15 minutes later, the ecstasy hit, and I was headbanging hard enough to feel the ripples of it the next day.
“You havin’ a good time!?” I screamed to Kaleb as he flailed alongside me.
“Best night of my life brother!”
As the song came to a close, I sat back down at the table. The music playing throughout my body despite the temporary silence. I threw back two more shots of bourbon, letting it settle again, before rejoining my friend. A few minutes passed of the electronic music reverberating my soul before two more people showed up.
“ERICA, SHAWN!? THE PARTY ALREADY STARTED! DO A LINE AND JOIN US!”
A few moments later, they were giddy. Dancing their hearts out, Shawn pulled out a ziplock bag. It held eight little squares, and as the song came to a close, he poured them into his hand. “Let it sit on your tongue for fifteen minutes, then swallow.” The next song started before I could question it. Though, I already had a good idea of what it was.
I threw the tiny, square papers on my tongue, letting the electronic music take me on journey after journey. Three songs later, despite my inebriated state, I remembered to swallow, chasing the tabs with another shot.
The music kept on going, but as the night went on, I began falling. Despite all the chemicals in my body, my mood was tanking. And as the hour came to a close, and the room began twisting, I wanted to puke.
When the current song came to a close, I patted Kaleb on the shoulder, “Hey man, I’m going to the bathroom real quick. I’ll be back in a few.”
I took off before he could acknowledge me. The room spinning more and more ferociously. The ground was knives, the walls laughing at me, the lights inverted. Before I could realize where I was, I collapsed over the toilet, vomit expelling from me as if I’d just been exorcized. Tears streamed down my face as the acidic expulsion repeatedly spewed from my mouth. When it finally stopped, I tried focusing where my eyes were, the toilet was spinning, and despite blinking, the brown and yellow from within the toilet was all I could see, relentlessly spinning, scoffing at me.
I stumbled to my feet, flushing the toilet. My vision was lagging behind my movements, but I managed to stumble to the oddly cold sink. I rinsed my face, gargling water to try and remove as much of the taste from my mouth as I could.
Drying my face, I took one last look at the mirror, trying to make sure everything was in order.
I yelped, falling to the ground. The tile pulled at my pants as I pushed myself back. Reaching the stall, I simply stared at the sink across from me, panting heavily, tears freely streaming down my face once again.
“N-no. I-it’s just the drugs.” I shook my head, standing back up, preparing myself to leave again. But I had to get one more look, just one.
Slowly turning, I met my gaze, everything reflected was swirling in tiny circles, as if each rod in my eyes were doing a dance. However, my reflection was flawless, as if my vision were clearer than ever before. The man staring back at me however, wasn’t wearing a perfectly fitted suit with a vomit stain on it. He was wearing shabby, Goodwill clothes he got for fifteen dollars, including the shoes. He wasn’t neatly shaven like me, he had a patchy three day beard. His hair wasn’t just cut last week and greased back with 300 dollar hair product. No, he hadn’t had a hair cut in six months, it covered one of his… my eyes, just as it used to.
I sprinted out of the bathroom, the spinning of the room growing more and more frantic the harder I ran. Light seemed to avoid me as I ran straight through the ongoing rave and fell out the front door, vomiting yet again. I think I can recall yelling, but with the adrenaline along with all the other drugs running through my body, it was all I could do to focus on staying up right.
A lot of the night is lost to me, but those events stay clearer to me than any memory before or since. However, I recall waking up, sober and feeling as if I’d be better off dead. I laid in bed for an hour, thankful I’d shut my curtains the night before.
Eventually, I stumbled out of bed, getting a glass of water, gulping it down as if it were concentrated life essence. I drank glass after glass until I could hear the water sloshing around my stomach. I felt even worse. In spite of this, I decided to take a bath to see if some water therapy might help.
Turning on the water, I decided to grab my phone to see how many messages I had. Despite it being my day off, I knew I’d have work related emails and texts to respond to. The unresponsive screen caused me to sigh as I plugged it in at my bedside table.
I sat there for a moment, staring at the blackout curtains across from me. I rubbed my face with both hands, feeling the stubble I’d have to shave after my bath. The memory of what I’d seen in the mirror surged its way through my conscious mind, causing me to push my head further into my hands, fingers making their way through my hair.
Standing, I sucked in a deep breath, and took a peek out the window. It was bright, but not nearly as blinding as I’d anticipated. Throwing them open, I found the sky was overcast with rain sure to come.
Tuning back into the sounds around me, I remembered my bath. Pulling my phone off the charger, I made my way over to the restroom, closing the door behind me. As I shut the water off, I took my clothes off, quickly steeping in the perfect water. I smiled to myself, turning my phone on to see 10% in the top right corner. It wasn’t much, but enough to respond to the important stuff at the very least.
I spent 15 minutes responding to questions involving time cuts for projects, a couple people I had to let go, the usual. But when I got to my text messages, I saw 10 from Kaleb.
Hey dude, where the fuck are you going
Are you okay??? You freaked the fuck out
Dude, I’m at your door, open up
You still awake???
Hey man, I can hear you crying
What happened???
I’m going home, text me when you see this
I quickly replied, “Yeah man, don’t remember too much, I’ve just never done acid before. I don’t think it was the best idea… I saw some shit and just needed to be alone.”
Hitting the back button, I looked over who else had messaged me. Scrolling past unimportant messages, I eventually reached the end of my new messages. At the bottom was one from my mom two days prior.
I shut off my phone, leaving it on the ground beside the tub. Finally relaxing, I emptied my mind, my eyes shooting open as I saw that image of myself again. Instinctively, my gaze made its way to the now fogged over mirror. I chuckled at my irrationality, of course it’d just been the combination of everything. My mind was simply wandering, trying to freak me out.
The water was room temperature by the time I got out. Standing, the chilled air caused goosebumps as I shivered. I grabbed my towel after pulling the plug, and began drying off as I made my way to the counter.
Once I’d finished drying off, I grabbed my comb and began wiping the mirror down. The sight shot me back. I slipped, barely managing to catch myself on the edge of the bathtub. But I could only hold on for so long before falling on my ass.
“NO! STOP FUCKING FOLLOWING ME! GET AWAY!” I grabbed my phone from beside me, chucking it as hard as possible at the mirror. Sparkling shards rained from the reflective surface; glass hail pelting the floor before inevitably coming to a close. The silence caused ice to surge through my spinal cord.
I sat there for a moment, panting heavily, and silently wondering if my phone was still intact. I was sure whatever I was seeing in the mirror must’ve been some kind of illusion. But I couldn’t help feeling it was real.I rubbed my hands over my face and through my hair,still the same short hair and stubble, causing me to sigh in relief. Then I caught myself, “Why am I so relieved?” I considered it, ultimately coming to the conclusion I was still feeling ripple effects from the night before. I still felt like shit from the ecstacy, so it would stand to reason that psychedelics may have a similar effect.
I got back up, putting on the slippers I had beside my bed, and heading back to the bathroom to grab my phone. The screen was beat to hell and back and I sighed, not wanting to deal with any phone companies that day.
Tossing my phone in the trash, I headed to my macbook at the kitchen table. Opening it, adrenaline surged, but I was able to keep myself in check this time. My reflection glared back at me in disappointment, just before the screen lit up. I googled after effects of any and all psychedelics I could think of. Then just normal effects. Which led me to side effects, which is where my concern began to peak.
A knock at my door jolted me out of paranoid daze. Which is when I realized I had never gotten dressed. Throwing on the robe I had hanging in the bathroom, I headed to the front door, opening it just as another knock started. It was one of my neighbors, a short black woman, she worked as a renowned web designer in the area. I’d even hired her a couple times to make sure projects were finished in time.
“I-Is everything alright? I was doing some yard work and heard a shattering earlier. I waited just in ca–”
“Yeah, sorry I didn’t mean to worry you. Just had a late night, still a little out of it and all.”
She squinted, giving me a once over, “Is that so.”
“So it would seem.”
“Well if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask. Just… be sure to put on some clothes if you decide to come over. I don’t think any of us would be comfortable with you in that.” She gave me one last look before heading down my driveway. I turned to my right, looking over to see her husband, who waved at me in response. I waved back, before shutting the door behind me, collapsing to the ground on the spot.
“What if she saw me last night? Does she know all the shit I did? What if she asked what was wrong for— No, I’m just being paranoid. This is so illogical.”
Walking back to my bed to throw some clothes on, “But why would she be out doing yard work with how cloudy it is? Especially when it’s going to start raining soon. No, I’m doing it again, that must be why she was doing yard work, before it starts raining.” As I finished with putting my socks on, I glanced up at the window, my hideous visage staring back at me. I jumped up, slamming the curtains shut. “That’s not who I am anymore, I’m better, I’ve grown, I’ve changed, I’m successful now!” I shouted, still clutching the curtains in my hands.
I opened my eyes, only then realizing they were closed at all. My vision was blurry, my arms refused to hold still, the joints in my legs feeling as though they’d turned to plastic, ready to give under the weight at any moment.
I stumbled back, barely managing to fall onto my bed. Tears were flying down my face as I repeated, “I’ve changed.” At the ceiling for minutes, until eventually, my body went still again. Once I was certain I could stand again, I grabbed the broom from my kitchen and swept up the mess in the bathroom. Then, I shut the bathroom window, making a point to close my eyes until I’d turned back around, closing the door behind me.
I put out an email to everyone that I wouldn’t be coming into the office for a week or so; saying that I got the virus that’s been going around to avoid questions. Shutting the laptop, I went to all of the windows in the house, closing my eyes as I shut their curtains. But on my way to the second guest bedroom, I’d forgotten about the mirror at the end of the hallway. I couldn’t prevent the collapse this time, especially, but the image that met my gaze wasn’t all.
As I collapsed to the ground having a panic attack, a voice made its way from the mirror, “None of your success was earned though was it. It was the connections you made, anyone would be in your position right now given your circumstances. Did you really EARN any of it?”
I couldn’t bare speaking, but my thoughts seemed to be enough, “Of course I did, I put in the effort.”
“What effort did you put in that no one else could’ve? Quite frankly, it’s disappointing you’ve only made it as far as you have. If you’re going to coast off of everyone else’s success, you could at least make it to an important position, like the board of directors. A measly branch owner, how sad. What would dad say?”
My shaking stopped, and I was able to move again, “You shut your GODDAMN MOUTH!” As I finished, the mirror fell off its nail, colliding with the ground.
“I’ll still be here, whether you need me or not.”
“No no NO, you don’t get to just DO that! Come back here!” I whimpered, tears coasting down my cheeks. The room felt so much bigger than before, my muscles less reactive to my consciousness. Standing required all my focus and energy. As quickly as I could manage, I got through the last room with my eyes closed, managing to close the curtains on muscle memory.
Laying down on the couch in the living room, I turned on the tv; putting it on a random channel to ensure there wouldn’t be any reflections. Then I cried, just letting it happen while I laid there, a random infomercial playing in the background.
I awoke in a dark room, sitting, and strapped to a chair. A light came on overhead. All that surrounded me were standing mirrors, yet nothing else seemed to exist. Trying to grasp at any sense of reality, I tried looking at the floor, then the ceiling, but not even the light source seemed to be coming from anywhere. The mirrors acted as TVs, projecting the light directly to my eyes.
“If you aren’t able to accept me, what even are you? An amalgamation of other people?” My twisted reflection began to morph, contorting to mimic everyone I knew. It was a hodgepodge of hundreds of people, all represented with an amorphous blob of flesh and eyes. God, there were so many eyes.
“Can you accept us for who we are?” The voice echoed as each individual person synchronized with the rest. Men, women, children, elderly, all screaming at me, yet whispering.
“What… are you?” I whimpered.
“What are you?” It echoed back, shifting as the voices vibrated its oozing skin.
“I’m—”
“WRONG!” My ears split in two, splitting again and again until it spoke both an eternity, and a second later, “You are the culmination of those you know, how can you claim it as a self if you are everyone you know? How can you claim your successes as your own? How can you CLAIM ANYTHING!?”
I felt my existence tear as it screamed, my very sense of self dissolving in the acidity of the creature’s speech. The only sensation tethering me to my body being the piercing of bone through my heart as the mirror directly in front of me formed one long, bone spear from center mass.
“Some son you are. You couldn’t even follow your passion, and yet you claim to be successful. What a waste of air.”
I shot up, cold sweat trickling down my face, a small puddle underneath me on the leather couch. I threw my shirt off, looking over my body. Just over my heart, a small trickle of blood oozed from the center of a deep purple bruise. I checked around me, seeing what had caused it, but there was nothing. The ceiling was intact, I didn’t own any animals, and I couldn’t have possibly done it myself.
Throwing my shirt back on, I bolted to the front door, barely fitting my shoes before I was out the door, keys and wallet in hand. I ignored the rain showering over me as I threw the door of my car open, nearly breaking it. I slid multiple times as I threw my car out of my driveway and sped down the residential area.
The trip took a good 10 hours, and the sun had begun to rise yet again, though the rain persisted. As I pulled up to the house, I looked over the yard. Weeds had sprouted since I’d last been there, and the general lawn upkeep seemed to be minimal at best.
I braced myself, terrified of what was to come. Slowly, I got out of the car, making my way up the driveway, and to the front door. I hesitated, then knocked. A minute passed and I knocked again. A few more minutes passed and I rang the doorbell. On the fifth ring, she opened the door.
Standing there, she only wore a tattered bathrobe and slippers to keep her protected from the elements. Her eyes widened when she looked me in the face, and she began crying, “Oh baby, come here, what’s wrong.” She held out her arms and I embraced her, tears breaking through in front of my mom for the first time since I was a child.
“So much.” I weeped into her should, “So fucking much mom, I’m so sorry I never came to visit, I’m sorry for ignoring you. I’ve been a shitty son and just a shitty person in general. Please—”
“Sh-sh-sh-sh. Just come inside, I can make some coffee, and you can get a shower.” The suggestion terrified me, but pulling away, I nodded to her.
Making my way to the bathroom, I hesitated upon touching the handle. A few moments later, I entered, turning to my right immediately to get the water started. Once it had warmed up, I switched it to shower mode and got undressed. Then, I faced my reflection, seeing the old me standing there. But now, his eyes were softer, and he seemed more open.
“Don’t let your ego get in the way of who you really are, okay? I just couldn’t stand by anymore. If you ever fall off again, I’ll be waiting, you can be sure of that.”
After I blinked, he was gone, and I could see myself again. I thought that would be the end of it, but then a whisper rang through my head. “And be cautious of that manifestation from your dream, I don’t think it will be so kind as to give you a simple bruise next time.”
I stared at my reflection, eyes sunken, bags larger than I’d ever remembered, my short hair was a mess, and my stubble had grown even longer, but it was me, not the impoverished me from when I grew up, but me. I smiled to myself, another tear falling down my cheek, while I had a long way to go, this was a start to a better life. I just hoped I’d have the fortitude to make it out before the thing from my nightmare could catch me.