I was a school bully.
I am sorry about what I did, and believe me, I paid the price. But, that is all behind me now. Josh will be out soon, and we have the rest of our lives together to look forward to. Given that it was pretty bloody obvious that Diane would have killed me if he hadn’t intervened, he didn’t get a long sentence, and it is drawing to an end. I will always limp from what Diane did to me, and I will probably need physiotherapy for the rest of my life, but it is a small price to pay for getting her out of our lives. We were all young and stupid, and, well, I won’t make any more excuses. I will wait for Josh, and whie I wait, I will tell you our story, to while away the long hours of waiting.
I am sorry, I am not a professional story-teller, as you can probably tell by now, and I never did well in English at school. On purpose- it was “gay” to be good at writing, and above all things, we were terrified of being seen as gay. I hope things are different in schools now, but this was only a few years ago, so I don’t think it can be that different.
I need to stop and think, and tell our story from the beginning.
When was the beginning? We all lived in the same neighbourhood, our parents all knew each other, and we all went to the same schools and afterschool programs and sports and everything. I don’t think there was a time when I wasn’t conscious of Diane and Josh. Josh was younger, small and pale and skinny, and Diane was his older sister, tall and sporty and strong.
I don’t remember why or how I started bullying. It seemed like the obvious thing to do. I know by middle school we were all pretty hands on, and we all used “gay” and far worse words as an insult, and we had to prove we weren’t. You either bullied, or you were bullied. There were some kids I suppose who managed to remain on the outskirts, but I don’t know about them.
Bullying Josh was a given- he was a natural victim. The way he scrunched up his face when he saw me striding towards him down the school hall, the way he tried to make himself small so I wouldn’t see him, I can still see him in my mind’s eye, desperately trying to make himself invisible, pushing himself back into the wall.
I could see him of course, and his despair and terror made it more fun. “Oy, four eyes” I would yell. Yes, not the most original insult, I know, see note above about my English. I’d grab him and shove him into his locker, put my hands in his pockets looking for coins and food and feel his trembling limbs. I had the urge to hurt him far worse than I already was, and I know he felt it too.
Then Diane caught me. She plucked me off him- she played hockey and lacrosse and flung me to the floor. ‘You bitch” I screamed, scrambling up and ready to leap at her- I was no chicken- but she was quicker. She kicked my head and then dropped down me on as I lay on the floor, stunned and leaned in with her full weight crushing my chest - I flailed around, I couldn’t breathe- she pushed her face, dark and twisted with fury close to mine “You keep your dirty hands off my brother, get it? I will kill you if I ever catch you laying one. finger. on. him.” and she emphasized the last words by punching me in the head.
She got up and walked away, Josh trotting behind her. My asshole friends slunk away, no one helped me up.
I got my revenge, of course. I didn’t touch Josh, never even spoke to him or his brute sister after that. But I took photo after photo of them, taught myself about deepfaking, and began circulating images of them doing it. So many photos, of Diane holding Josh tight by the swimming pool, Diane and Josh smooching on a park bench, Diane and Josh frolicking half-naked glimpsed through their living room.
If you ask anybody even tangentially related to our high school during those years what they have heard about our school, they will probably include the rumour that Diane and Josh were doing it. I made sure the rumour wouldn’t die down, and the best thing was, no one could do anything about it. I went around town, used different computers, used VPNs. By the second year of high school, I didn’t even have to do that much, the rumour was firmly planted, Diane and Josh slept together and it was considered fact.
If anything, by third year the rumour enhanced their popularity rather than dented it, and they both seemed to enjoy a steady stream of dates. Josh blossomed into good looks, cultivating that lean nerdy look to full advantage, he came out as bi and was always prancing around with a hot girl or boy on his arm. And Diane gained success after success, both on the hockey field and off.
And me? Well, I was coming to terms with a few home truths about myself too. It was hard, and my family were definitely not supportive, but whenever I looked at Josh, now in the full bloom of teenaged good looks, I couldn’t deny my longing. We never talked.
I had my chance in the first week of our first year at university- yes yes, typical I know. Of course we all went to the same university- Diane was a year above us, and Josh and I were in the same program. The rumour persisted into university, by the way, I had already heard it during frosh, when some guys pointed out Diane to me and helpfully informed me she had been banging her younger brother all through high school, and now he had followed her here.
And there was Josh, at the other end of the student bar. We looked at each other through the bar haze, and we knew. We didn’t even really have to talk much, you know?
We went back to his room together, I don’t know why we went back to his- probably just because his dorm was closer to the bar. Silly things like that determine life or death all the time.
We were sitting on his bed, still not saying much but just looking at each other and then looking down at our hands, our hearts beating fast, when Diane walked in.
I think she had knocked, maybe, but hadn’t waited for an answer. She considered Josh hers.
Diana looked at Josh, and then at me. I raised my eyebrows at her.
She turned back to Josh. “How could you?” she whispered. “He’s been tormenting us almost all our lives!”
Josh flushed painfully but didn’t say anything. I replied in his stead “Listen, you need to get out – not just now, but out of Josh’s life. Just go. He doesn’t want you hanging around anymore. You’re the one who’s been destroying his life till now- he wants out- he said so himself-“
I mean, he had said it, right? I’m sure he had said that to me. And he never denied it.
Diane ignored me, just kept staring at Josh, her eyes wide and dark.
I got up and took a step towards her “I said, get out. Leave.”
With an effortless back-handed swipe, she brought me down. Instantly I was transformed back to the school hallway, five, six years ago. “I should have finished you off last time I did this” she said calmly and proceeded to stomp on me.
Pain shot through my head, my ribs- I tried to roll away from her heavy boots - blood filled my mouth and I knew she was going to kill me, I seemed paralysed by the fall and I couldn’t move.
I heard Josh through the blood, he made a funny little sound.
A single gunshot reverberated through the dorm, and something fell heavily on me with a grunt.
Everything was silent. I think I passed out. When I came to, I was being lifted on a stretcher. I was covered in hot blood, and I knew it wasn’t all mine.
Another body was also being lifted, the face covered.
Police were leading Josh away.
But he will be out soon enough, and I will be here for him.