I hope this post reaches you, Jessica, wherever you may be. I know you have little reason to hear me out, and I cannot blame you in the slightest. I’ve had some time to self reflect since you’ve fled, and I realize that my attempt to aid you may have caused more psychological harm than good. So here I sit, inside your home writing this on Adam’s phone (not password protected, for some reason). Ah…no, forgive me, Jessica. Adam is probably the last thing you wish to be reminded of. Well, and me of course.
I wish to plead my case to you, Jessica, so you might understand how things have turned out this way. I pray for your forgiveness but do not expect to receive it. I think I’ve made peace with that. Still, please just listen to what I have to say. Your judgement may come after, and I’ll accept whatever it may be.
I…I don’t remember where I came from, or even what I truly am. As far back as I can remember, I’ve been in this old house, aimlessly wandering its barren halls while feasting on whatever rodents or insects I could find. Before then, everything is fuzzy. I’ve tried to remember where I was before stumbling into this place, but it’s like a deep fog fills my mind when I try to recall. There’s nothing there, and so here I remain. Why not leave, you might ask. Believe me, I’ve tried, Jessica, but…my feet always pause at the front door. Something deep inside me compels me to remain; something I am unable to resist. I can almost hear something whispering a strange sound that might be my name, coaxing me back into the deepest parts of the building. I must have spent years in here, maybe decades? Time has a strange habit of disappearing when you try to keep track of it. Either way, my existence, if one could even call it that, was a lonely one. Every day was the same, and only the light filtering through the boarded windows gave me any semblance of schedule. The days were filled with endless pacing with nothing to occupy my thoughts, with an occasional pest fit to be eaten breaking apart the monotony. I wasn’t living, I can’t even be sure if I was sentient. I was a dumb, lowly creature who lived in a prison, beaten down by the sheer apathy of the walls surrounding me until my mind was an empty void. I would’ve stayed that way until I faded into nothing, if it wasn’t for you.
Perhaps if I had peeked through the boarded windows, I would’ve noticed the “For Sale” sign, which was soon replaced with “Sold”. I may have noticed the moving truck pulling into the drive way, and I may have seen the line of people carrying cardboard boxes approaching the front door. Instead, I was just swallowing a cockroach at the bottom of the stairs when I saw the door swing open. I scrambled out of sight, fearing this sudden change in repetition. I watched from around the corner as creatures that looked almost like myself marched in single file, before spreading out and setting down boxes in various spots around the house. I suppose it must seem silly, Jessica, that I could look at you humans and feel fear, but at that time I was like a sheltered child and didn’t know any better. One of the movers might’ve caught sight of me, but I know this house much better than you do, and I disappeared before he could register the monstrosity gazing at him. This house is full of secrets, Jessica. Hidden doors and walkways have hollowed it out long before I was here. You may believe you’ve discovered them all, but there’s still quite a sizable amount I’ve kept hidden for myself.
I was panicking as I crawled through the hidden walkways, wondering who these people were and what they were doing in my home. I felt like a mouse surrounded by cats, cornered with no escape and believing that my fate was sealed. I wanted to curl up and cry, I wanted to sob in terror but I forced myself to observe you all. And…I’m glad I did. It allowed me to meet you, Jessica.
I don’t know what it was about you that awoke these feelings inside me. It wasn’t anything you said or did, so perhaps it was some human desire deep inside me that I hadn’t realized existed. I suppose I could lie and write this out to seem more poetic and romantic, but I believe honesty is important after what happened. I believe I was simply curious because you, being a woman, were on a physical level different than the movers carrying your boxes. As I continued to observe you throughout your stay here, I picked up on the social norms between men and women and what I felt for you progressed through there. But, I am getting ahead of myself. I apologize, I don’t wish to make you feel uncomfortable, Jessica.
In my limited intelligence, I did not know what the bruise on your arm meant at the time. I did not know what torment you were going through, but one of the movers certainly did. I saw him question you about it, I saw you roll down your sleeve and hastily explain it away while looking over your shoulder. I wonder why you didn’t tell him the truth; perhaps he could’ve helped you and this whole situation could’ve been avoided. No, no…I’m sorry again, Jessica. You must think I’m blaming you and that is not what I intend to do. It’s just difficult for me to collect all my thoughts now that I have access to writing. I could go on and on about how amazing this smartphone is, but this isn’t about me. Not really. I’ll remain focused on the story, because I need you to understand why this all happened.
It wouldn’t be until much later that I figured out the situation: you and Adam had purchased what was labeled as a “fixer-upper”. I feel like I should’ve been offended, but looking back at the state of the house then I realize that perhaps I could’ve spruced it up just a bit. I watched cautiously from my safe space behind the stairs as you and Adam waved to the movers as they finished unloading your belongings and left the house. With only the three of us left, I began to relax. It was feeling much less crowded, and I was about to retreat when you let out a sharp gasp of pain. I turned towards you and saw Adam gripping your bruised arm violently. He was hissing something in your ear, his voice dripping with such venom that even I, in my limited understanding, felt poisoned and filthy hearing it. He threw you down, and demanded you finish unpacking everything while he retreated towards the kitchen. You laid there for a minute, your quiet sniffles barely audible to me. I wanted to emerge from my hiding place and comfort you, for I didn’t know why he would do such a thing to you. But deep down I must’ve known my appearance would frighten you because I remained hidden. I am ashamed of the fact, but maybe I shouldn’t be after what happened last night. Maybe I was always meant to lurk in the shadows, always present but never interfering. You slowly rose to your feet, wiping the tears from your eyes as you began your thankless task of making this damned house suitable. And I left you for the darkness.
I continued to observe you and Adam throughout your stay, growing more accustomed to the sudden invasion of what had always been just my space. You were my link to a world beyond what I thought possible, and I grew fond of you. I learned from you. You’re such a sweet, loving person, Jessica, and I hope you know that. Despite the man you lived with, you were always smiling when talking to your mother. You were always laughing with your favorite show. You always sang such beautiful melodies when you did your chores. I learned to speak from you, did you know that? My speech isn’t perfect, but I made sure to practice every night while you and Adam slept. You would tell Adam you heard voices the following morning, but he always refused to believe you.
Every day excited me once I grew to know you. I would eagerly race through the walls, following you and Adam throughout the house to learn more about you. Adam thought I was a particularly noisy rat, but I can assure you I had eaten all the rats already. I feasted instead on whatever leftovers made it into the trash. You cook such wonderful meals, Jessica. Never before had I experienced such fantastic flavors.
I even encountered your cat, Lucy! I was surprised she had found me one day, but I was even more surprised when she didn’t show any fear towards me. I loved Lucy, you know, just like you did. She was my only companion during your stay, and she brought me a level of comfort and friendship that I’ll cherish in my memories forever. She would rub up against my gaunt leg and purr deeply when my fingers carefully scratched behind her ears. When she went missing, you were distraught. You searched everywhere for her but I should’ve left my walls and told you the truth. It was Adam, though I suspect that part of you knew it all along. He grabbed Lucy and dragged her outside. I watched in distress through the window as he drove away with her. I wanted to rush out and stop him but that nagging whisper prevented me from doing so. I sat there, helpless as he took her away to God knows where. I wish I was stronger, Jessica. I was right there and yet I couldn’t save our precious cat. I am so sorry for failing Lucy. You can add that to your list of my unforgivable deeds.
I hated Adam. I hated him for hurting you, I hated him for throwing Lucy away, and I hated him for tarnishing my home with his pathetic stench. I witnessed his cruel acts too many times to count, and I could count every individual scar and bruise he gave you. He was a plague upon you and I. I still don’t know how you two met or why you married him because I cannot imagine him as a good person. He was loud, and cruel, and he drank and drank like there was no tomorrow. He threw things, he had temper tantrums, he whined and stomped like an arrogant child and his actions echoed throughout the house so I always had to hear him. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to inflict upon him every ounce of torment he directed towards us.
I tell you this, Jessica, because I need you to understand me. I know I hurt you but I need you to know that what I did I did to try to save you. Because…because I love you, Jessica. We never shared a word but I felt like I knew everything about you. I know your secrets and your treasures, I see the cute way your nose twitches like a mouse when you smile, I listen to you sing and watch you dance and observe how FREE you are when Adam isn’t in the house. I know you’re not some submissive house wife who bows to her monstrous husband’s every demand. I see you for the remarkable woman you truly are. And he never saw that and he never WANTED to see it and it made me SO GODDAMN ANGRY THAT HE WOULD REFUSE TO RECOGNIZE THAT! THAT THE ARROGANT PRICK WOULD SOMEHOW FIND SOME INANIMATE TROPHY A FITTING REPLACEMENT FOR A PARTNER! THAT I WAS A DAMN COWARD FOR THE LONGEST TIME AND DID NOTHING! AND THAT’S WHY I FINALLY HAD TO DO IT JESSICA! TO SAVE YOU!
I was in the second story bathroom dow the hall from where you and he slept when it happened. I rarely emerged from the hidden rooms but I found myself in a rare moment to myself. I gazed upon my ghastly figure in the mirror, tracing my long fingers across my body. I met my yellowed, decaying eyes in my reflection and wondered if I had always been dying here slowly. If I could ever really be with you. I was so much taller than both you and Adam and my skin clung tightly to my emaciated figure. I had never put much thought into how I looked before but in that moment I felt a deep sense of insecurity. I was a walking corpse; twisted and stretched beyond human recognition. A woman such as you could never love a monster like I.
And then I heard you scream. I heard you beg Adam to stop and he yelled at you to shut up. He snarled such vicious lies, telling you that you’d never be worth anything and that you were lucky to be with him. I listened, hating every word he screeched but doing nothing to help you. I stood there like I always did, waiting for the abuse to end but then you started gasping. Your screams were cut off and you made noises that sounded like hacking. I heard Adam slam you to the ground and I knew deep down that this was it. He would kill you tonight, and I was going to stand there and let it happen.
But I couldn’t. So I ran down the hall, and threw open your door.
Time seemed to stand still for all of us. I saw him on top of you, his hands squeezing tightly around your throat. I saw your own hands desperately trying to claw at him to no avail. I saw your heads turn to me. I had finally revealed myself, and your eyes widened in pure terror. You would’ve screamed had you been able to. Adam’s grip loosened as he gazed at me with bulging, bloodshot eyes. He swayed drunkenly, and his mouth flopped open uselessly as he tried to process my existence. You took that moment to kick him off of you, and that’s when I struck.
With a sickening roar I tackled Adam against the wall. I saw only red as I sunk my teeth into his neck. You both screamed as I chewed my way through his flesh. I dug my long fingers into his stomach, the only goal on my mind was to choke with him with his own innards so he could understand just a FRACTION of the pain you experienced. I tore them out and I FED THEM TO HIM AND I WRAPPED THEM AROUND HIS THROAT AND I BASHED HIS SKULL AGAINST THE WALL UNTIL HIS BRAIN SLID OUT OF HIS EARS AND I RIP AND TORE INTO HIS SKIN UNTIL IT WAS ALL GONE
AND I BATHED IN HIS BLOOD
I RIPPED HIS HEAD FROM HIS SHOULDERS
I TORE HIS LIMBS OFF AND SHOVED THEM INTO THE HOLE IN HIS STOMACH
AND I SCREECHED AND SNARLED AND ROARED LIKE A WILD ANIMAL AND I FELT JOY AT FINALLY TEARING HIM APART AND I LAUGHED AND CRIED AND HOLLERED
And your terrified, bloodcurdling shriek of unbridled horror broke me out of it. The weight of what cruelty I inflicted dropped on me like a Boulder, and I could hardly breathe as my shaking hands rose to my eyes. I was covered in blood and viscera. The man who once might’ve been Adam was no longer recognizable. There was hardly anything left to identify anything akin to a body. I heard your sobs and I knew then and there that you viewed me as a monster. And I couldn’t refute that, for what civilized creature would lose all rational thought and reduce another living being chunks of flesh floating in a pool of blood? I was no more than a mindless beast, an untamed horror that wasn’t fit to live around humans.
I wanted to explain all this to you. I wanted to beg you for forgiveness and try to be there for you. Yet when I approached you screeched for me to stay away, and I stood there frozen as you sprinted away from me and out of the house.
And that brings us to here, Jessica. I’ve cleaned up the room and myself as best I could but my body still itches and I can’t stand to be in that room. I’ve given Adam a proper burial in the backyard. I understand he was a terrible man but even the worst of us don’t deserve a fate like that. Oh…yes, about that. I was surprised I could even step outside in the first place; it seems like the voice has disappeared from the shadows of the house. The air is so refreshingly cool and soft, Jessica. But…I won’t be leaving this house. I still don’t understand the hold it had on me but I think that it’s best that I give into it. A monster such as I has no place in the outside world, and I’ve made my peace with that.
And that’s my story. I’m so, deeply sorry, Jessica. I know nothing I do could ever rid you of the mental scars I inflicted on you. I hope you’re safe, wherever you are. I hope you’re singing and dancing and laughing and enjoying your life for the precious gift it is. That, at least, brings me some comfort. As for myself, I’ll continue to stay in this house, feeding on the odd cockroach that wanders to close to me, endlessly pacing these halls until my feet are worn down to stumps. I’m frightened, yes. I’ll most likely be reduced to that dumb, lowly troglodyte once again, and that scares me. I don’t want to lose everything I’ve learned but I don’t believe I deserve any other fate.
Please, Jessica…forgive me. Because I cannot forgive myself.