When I started dating, I figured men were like carrots, they sort of existed, and there were a lot of them, and you could have one if you wanted. Though, like carrots, they were plain. Women, on the other hand, were like gourmet three course meals. Legendary, enticing, something you’d kill for. So I started dating them instead. Turns out, they are actually sparkly carrots. They seem different from men, but are the same thing. At least the men didn’t expect me to pay for the fucking first date.
What would the ideal man look like? I wondered. So I drew him. Jasper had gorgeous v cut abs, a jaw so sharp it could be measured with a protractor, long platinum white hair, high eye brows, cheekbones higher than the Chinese spy balloon, beautiful cupid bow lips, and a slight stubble. Muscular thighs ( i leave no detail unchecked). He also had perfect white teeth. Jasper was the pinnacle of male beauty.
Embarrassingly, I fell in love with Jasper. Look I’m not like those incels obsessed with their anime UwU waifu pillows okay? I had options, I just didn’t like them. Jasper however, he was electric, so real in my mind. He distracted me from all of my problems, like my crashing grades, my crashing social life, my general feelings of emptiness, worthlessness. The fact that I did not feel like I was fucking human. All I had to do was close my eyes, and think of this boy. Lovingly, I invented a life for him. Jasper was 23, (four years older than me), he was a successful engineer, his parents owned a gem mine, and he grew up in a mansion. Most importantly, he was madly in love with me.
I’d close my room shut and I’d spend hours fantasizing about my life with Jasper. In this life, I wasn’t some low life psychology major at a place that could barely call itself a university. No I was an engineering student at an Ivy league university, and Jasper was planning on proposing to me the moment I graduate. In these daydreams, he took me on the most beautiful of dates. We sat under cherry blossom trees and kissed, he wouldn’t ever stop holding my hand, he kissed me gently. We lived together in a gorgeous penthouse. Life was incredible, and I wasn’t suicidal, hopeless and empty.
Last night, reality hit me like a truck. I had failed a course, and it was bad. I was a psychology major, I wasn’t even doing anything hard. I was on academic probation last term, and I had to pass all my courses this term, which I didn’t. So that meant I was kicked out of one of the easiest undergrad programs in one of the easiest universities, in motherfucking first year, with no friends to lean on and a tough Asian family who would kick me out if they found out.
As tears welled up in my eyes, I realized whose fault this was, fucking Jasper’s. If I had spent less time with my imaginary boyfriend, and more time studying, I would have passed, and I wouldn’t have kicked out. I was living in a dream and didn’t notice my reality becoming a nightmare.
Then suddenly, I experienced a compulsion. I’m not sure what else to call it, but I took my sketchbook, and I began to methodically rip out each piece of soft paper, and crunch it up into a ball. Then once it was small enough, I placed it in my mouth, and reveled as the saliva and the rough paper, and sour ink mixed. Paper was suprisingly chewy. I ignored the people outside on campus mocking me as I did this. I had to find some way to get rid of my sketchbook, but I couldn’t get rid of it. The sketchbook was a part of me, I ate it all. I didn’t know what else to do. I traced his V cut abs, placed my face on his his, and i tried my best to kiss Jasper, ignoring the people mocking and filming me. Jasper was all I had, and I would eat him now. I watched as his gorgeous V cut abs lost their beautiful form, it was crushing me. I watched as his platinum hair crumped along with the paper, and tears rolled down my cheeks, as I put the crumpled mess that was my ex boyfriend into my mouth, and felt as he became a part of me. I ignored the laughing crowd around me and pushed a group of girls aside so that I could run somewhere far away. I didn’t bother with collecting the hardcover outside of the sketchbook, just left it there under the tree where I was sitting. I don’t know what on earth prompted me to eat my sketchbook but I felt like I had to do it. I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s like scratching a really, really prominent itch.
I walked to my place, and without bothering to change into pajamas, practically lunged at my bed, trying to ignore that I was losing my sanity along with everything else. The sheets felt freezing cold for some reason, and I tried to picture Jasper again. The fucker was all I had now. However, no matter what I did, I couldn’t picture him. It was like trying to picture the fourth dimension. That’s when I heard a beautiful voice. imagine if the deepest, most beautiful, bass chords you’ve ever heard came to life, developed a voice. This was Jasper’s voice, and it spoke to me.
“Hello my love”. Was I losing my mind?
As if he had read my thoughts, he said
“My love, of course you are not insane”
I was too stunned to do anything.
“Don’t believe me darling?, meet my under the tree where you and I, uh, combined”.
He sounded amused by it. I hadn’t realized how long I was just rolling around in bed, it was around 11 right now and the crowd along the tree must have gotten bored and left. So I made my way back, and I felt this sort of magnetic presence leading me there.
The tree wasn’t it’s usual green anymore, it was cherry pink just like in my daydreams, and under it, was the love of my life Jasper. He somehow managed to look better in person than my imagination, the moonlight reflected of off his platinum blond hair, and his crystal blue eyes hypnotized me, he was shirtless and didn’t mind the cold. He stared at me, with an unreadable smile. There was nothing unsettling about the smile, but it was not warm the way it was in my daydreams. Before I could say anything, he cupped my face and kissed me. His hands felt like they were made of porcelain, they were cold . Though he looked human and his skin was bending under my chin the way a human’s would, but it felt hard. His voice, it was beautiful, siren-like, just like it was in my head, he held me in his grasp, and I didn’t dare move.
I managed to ask him how he came to life. He didn’t answer the question, he just smiled at me.
“How do I know that I am not insane?”
“Well you did try eating your sketchbook, love. However, you are not in a state of psychosis, I am real”
“Do you think I’m strange” I’ve never had a boyfriend before, so I hope he didn’t think I was insane. That compulsion didn’t usually happen. He didn’t answer the question.
“Don’t worry about your grades my love, you’ll be back to university in a week if you do precisely as I say”
He cupped my face gently as I gazed at him
“First you must draw a sheep” he said, handing me my sketchbook, undamaged.
“The dimensions of the sheep must be 15cm x 15cm, no more, no less, then you must eat the image of the image of the sheep in no more than two hours after I leave, and you must do so under this tree”
I nodded. What else are you supposed to do when your imaginary boyfriend comes to life and gives you instructions?
“Alright, see you tomorrow my love” he said as he gave me a kiss on the cheek. I stared at the floor flustered, and when I looked up he was gone.
I drew a sheep that was approximately within those proportions, and ate the paper just like he said. I woke up the next day, and screamed. Under my head, there was a dead sheep, my hair was caked in it’s blood, and weirdly enough it looked like my drawing. It was a cartoon sheep, but 3 dimensional and covered in blood. It looked like a cartoon, with perfect spherical eyeballs, except they were more like little basins dipped in blood. The fur was soft, pearly white. Cartoonishly white, and the deep coppery red, was soaking in it’s cotton ball-ish fur. It smelled like it had been there for weeks, and I tried my hardest not to retch. Pieces of it’s flesh were missing. I could see it’s Sinews, and maggots inside it crawling in this almost trance like dance. It’s mouth was hung wide open, and blood was caked around it’s teeth. Weirdly enough, it had fangs. I didn’t draw fangs. It’s hooves were all facing straight up in this unnatural way. Like perfect, straight lines. Weirdly enough, each hoof had a strand of platinum blond hair attached to it. I leaned in closer, and noted that on each hoove, the inscription “MY LOVE” in all capitals was inscribed. I heard people screaming, retching, and someone called the police. They were also gazing at the cherry blossom tree that wasn’t cherry blossom until yesterday.
So I wasn’t crazy, the officers were there, and they were looking at what I was looking at. I told them I thought it was a practical joke played by cruel classmates. What was I supposed to do? Blame it on my imaginary boyfriend? A couple hours later they let me go, telling me to keep an eye out , and contact them if I noticed anything unusual. When I went home, and curled up in bed, I heard a voice, deeper than the one before.
“Sorry my love, the sheep was supposed to be 15cm by 15cm, not 16.5cm by 18.6 cm. However, I found a solution, though it may have caused you some distress. Look under your bed my love”
I did as told, and found a rose, though it seemed oddly skeletal, and sludgy. It felt like it might disintegrate in my hands at any moment.
“Eat it my love”. His voice seemed dead. Devoid of emotion.
I did as told, I didn’t want to disobey Jasper.
“Check your grades”
I logged in and saw averages all in the eighties. I found out that I had made the dean’s list this semester, rather than failing.
“Have a good day my love” he said, and then I couldn’t hear from him again.
I’m not sure what to do guys. Should I dump my boyfriend? He did get me back into uni?