My mind has been overflowing. I can’t seem to keep it to myself anymore, there’s just so much out there that you don’t know, that nobody knows and I feel like I’m one step away from just losing my mind.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me give you some background first. I had just recently moved to a new town out in the Midwest for work. I won’t disclose the exact location, but it’s been lonely to say the least. Deafeningly so. I work a federal government job, which really only consists of me editing and proofreading documents, with little to no interaction with anyone else. My apartment doesn’t allow pets, and although I didn’t have many friends before I moved out here, I had just graduated college, so I at least had SOME interaction with other people. My parents aren’t in the picture anymore, and my new towns middle aged-to-elderly majority population leaves little room to make friends.
My days consist of waking up, showering, going to work, coming home, watching TV and going to bed. Every. Single. Day. The most human contact I regularly receive is clocking out at the end of the day where someone else may offer me a goodbye before I head back home. In its own right, loneliness is its own kind of hell. So you might not be surprised to hear that upon my finding a missionary standing at my door, I was almost ecstatic. I hadn’t been particularly religious in years, but that was a trait I was willing to forego, if it meant that I could escape this self inflicted prison.
A man around my age stood at my doorstep, with blonde wavy hair, a welcoming smile, and pamphlet in hand. “Hi!” He said cheerfully, reaching out to shake my hand. I shook it, and he followed up with “My name is Chris and I was looking for more people to join our congregation. Are you at all familiar with the New Life Church?” I shook my head no, but told him that I would be interested in learning. A complete lie but, come on. I’d been here for 6 months now, and this was already shaping up to be the longest conversation I’d had in that timeframe.
I invited him in, apologizing for the clutter of fast food bags that littered my coffee table, and clothes spread across the floor. It’s hard to find the motivation to keep a tidy house when the only company you have is yourself. He laughed lightheartedly and claimed it was nothing compared to his own living room. I laughed back and suddenly felt very self conscious. Shit, did I even remember how to hold a conversation? But he pushed these worries aside quite quickly. He seemed to be quite eager to talk, and didn’t mind to lead in conversation as I tried to hold my own in small talk and answer his questions about my job, my moving here, until finally he relaxed and said “Honestly, you’ve got my hopes up now. It’s really nice getting to talk with someone else my own age for a change. There’s not many of us here in case you haven’t noticed.” I chuckled again and nodded. “So honestly”, he started , finally handing me the pamphlet, “I’d really appreciate it if you would join us Saturday night. I’ll save you a seat! Right up in front of the pulpit. I promise you won’t regret it.” The paper was plain with “NEW LIFE CHURCH” written on the top with “For an Eye Opening experience” directly below it, followed by service times. Noticing that there was no address, I flipped the paper over and found a peculiar set of directions.
*Located in the woods off of Park Trail B. *3 Miles into the trail, take a hard left past the cut down pine tree stump, off of the trail, and follow the white markers on the trees. *You will come across a river. Walk along the right hand side of it for another mile until you come to a steep cliff with the river running over it *There will be a rope tied to the side of the cliff face. Climb this down and circle around the lake and continue to follow the white marker trees until you come to our church.
Upon reading the instructions Chris must have noticed my dumbfounded expression and laughed heartily. “Yeah, that’s about the reaction I expected. Don’t worry , I’ll go with you on your first visit. You like hiking?” I nodded again, slowly. I was familiar with the park. Some days, if I felt really cooped up, I would go out and walk the trails. I never seemed to see anybody on them, and at the very least, maybe I could make a new hiking buddy out of the trip. They must be some kind of hippie, new age type church, connecting with God and nature and all that. But why so far? Why not carve out a straightforward trail if they’re going back that far in the woods? While I was pondering this, a question finally made its way to the forefront of my mind. “Hey so.. uh yknow… what’s your church all about?” The words stumbled out of my mouth. He grinned again, a sly kind of smile and offered an irritatingly vague explanation. “Oh it’s hard to explain it all with just words. You’ve really gotta attend a service to understand.”
Shortly after we said our goodbyes, I agreed to attend on Saturday night. I realized he hadn’t told me what time, but he assured me he’d come to my house to pick me up when it was time, and to just be ready. Wear whatever you feel comfortable in, no pressure.
Saturday evening came and went and soon it was night. I was sitting on my couch, boots on, ready to go hours ago, with the clock was approaching midnight, and Chris nowhere to be seen. I slouched on my couch, half awake, dozing with ‘Friends’ playing on the TV, when I heard a knock. Incredulously, I answered and lo and behold, there stood Chris, wearing a dark gray jacket and jeans with hiking boots and that same smile on his face as the first time he stood at my door. “Hey man, hope I didn’t wake you. You ready?” Now, I know what you’re all thinking. That I couldn’t possibly be dumb enough to go. But you have to understand, for the first time in so long I felt a sense of..adventure? Excitement? The whole thing was so bizarre, and my entire existence had been so unbearably dull I tossed aside any sense of self preservation and… well off we went.
We rode his old rickety Ford to the outskirts of town where the park entrance was located, making small talk along the way. “So.. why exactly do you guys hold services so late? And in the middle of nowhere?” I asked. “To get you in the right headspace.” Chris replied without taking his eyes off the road. “We try to separate ourselves from modern luxuries during our services. And walking the trail is a sort of rite of passage thing. Not to mention, being so far off the grid keeps services very intimate and.. private.” Huh. Weird, but not totally unexpected. This confirmed my suspicions for the time that this was definitely some kind of hippie new age church. But still, my best opportunity for making new acquaintances. I was no stranger to taking night walks, and hiking anyways. It was one of the only hobbies I indulged in my solitude.
Once we had pulled into the park and started on the trail the actual hike itself was uneventful. Chris pulled out a heavy duty flashlight and walked on ahead of me, motioning for me to fall in behind, and stay close. About a mile in, I noted how dark it was. So dark it was hard to believe it was natural. The moon had shone brightly in the clear night sky, accompanied by a smattering of stars , illuminating the night with its light gray glow. But now, under the forest cover, anywhere that wasn’t in his flashlights sights, was pitch black. I if I stuck my hand to the side and looked over, it was as if it had disappeared, and the trail behind us immediately vanished into the black. It was as if the only space in the entire world that existed was the ground the light illuminated as I stuck close to my new friend. And I had to stick close, or else, I too may be lost into that abyss. Chris stopped suddenly and I nearly bumped into him, which startled me out of my neurotic daydreaming. “Alright and here” he said, stepping off the trail and standing next to a tree with a distinct white mark. “Is where we follow the markers. Stick close, it’s easy to get lost out here.” He finished, and I hurried on behind.
I lost track of time following Chris through the woods. He seemed to take many twists and turns that I don’t know how it was possible for us to not have gotten lost. But every time I was about to ask him for reassurance, he would shine the light on another white marking on a tree. He kept marching forward confidently, and I followed, falling into an almost trancelike state, with the crunching of the leaves below my boots becoming rhythmic and my mind going quiet.
Without hardly realizing it, I found myself in front of a deep, loud, river, just as the directions had promised. And then after hiking alongside it, we came upon the rope next to a small cliff. I don’t know why I was so surprised. It was like every landmark we reached from that pamphlet struck a bit of anxiety into my heart. I guess even being out here, a part of me doubted the elaborateness of the directions, and was expecting Chris to pull a gotcha moment on me, or something. And here we were. Like I said, pretty uneventful. Chris had followed the trail from memory, hardly ever stopping even for a second. And now before us stood a large white building, that looked entirely plain. It was rectangular with a basic shingled black roof, and white plastic paneled walls, sitting on a concrete foundation. There wasn’t even a sign. It was really kind of underwhelming. I don’t know what I was expecting exactly from a church that held its services in the middle of the woods at night, but something more… fantastical? This looked more like a large storage building. The double doors were colored black, which stood in stark contrast to the white of the rest of the building and rested at the top of a couple of concrete steps, where at the top stood a tall imposing man, bald, with a thick mustache adorning his face and dressed in a plain white button up with brown slacks. In his hands he held a large wicker basket.
Chris walked right up the steps and greeted the towering figure. “Evening, Brother Amos” he said shaking his hand. Brother Amos only offered a grunt in reply. Chris then gestured to me. “This is my friend Alex. He’s going to be joining our service tonight.” I couldn’t read the expression on Brother Amos’ face. He didn’t say a word, nor did his face change at all. He just looked down at me, and outstretched his hands holding the basket towards me. I blinked, completely unaware what this gesture meant until Chris whispered to me, “Sorry, I forgot to tell you, they don’t allow phones during the service. Don’t worry, you’ll get it back when we leave.” As I pulled out my phone, I was surprised to see the time. It was 11:30. Right on the dot. It had taken at least 20 minutes to drive to the park and we had been in the woods on the trail for AT LEAST an hour. There was no way it was only 11:30, when we had left at 11.
Realizing I had froze up, I apologized and dropped my phone into that basket, while a large wave of anxiety started to wash over me. Yes I know, only NOW was my brain firing off danger signals. Not when this random man showed up at my door and invited me to a church in the middle of the nowhere. Not when I decided to GET IN THE CAR with said man, and hike miles off the marked trail using the most convoluted directions I had ever seen. It was like everything hit me at once, and I realized just how stupid and dangerous this whole thing really was. I couldn’t be that desperate for companionship and human interaction could I? Still…a part of me felt excited. It was stupid I know, but you have to understand, this was the first flicker of excitement I’d felt in so long. I was doing something stupid, perhaps dangerous, yet here I stood at the doorstep of this mysterious church in the middle of nowhere and night with my new “friend” by my side, daring to step inside. It was something, and it was the first time I’d felt alive in so long. So, spurred on by that feeling, the tall man’s unsettling gaze, and Chris’ pat on my back, I followed him inside.
The inside of the church was just as plain as the rest of it. It actually looked very similar to an old Baptist church I attended as a child for my cousins wedding. The floor was laminated wood, along with wooden pews with red carpeting over the seats. There were matching red carpeted stairs leading up to the pulpit. There were a littering of congregants scattered throughout the pews. Honestly much more than I thought. It surprised me once again, that there were quite a few older folks sitting in the pews. They really made the hike here? Another detail that crossed my mind was that there were no crosses or iconography anywhere throughout the building. The walls were plain, there was no design on the pulpit, just a flat block sitting front and center stage. It had just then occurred to me that I had never clarified what kind of “church” this even was. I didn’t know if it was Protestant or Catholic, or Scientologist or Jehovahs Witness, or any number of religions it could have been based in. The lights hanging above gleamed a sickly yellow, and a soft sweet smell permeated the air that I couldn’t quite place.
Chris guided me to the front where I was pleased to find that the rest of the congregants were much more welcoming than the imposing figure standing guard at the door. I was greeted with a flurry of “welcomes” and “we’re glad you have you’s” and one cute red headed girl, who looked to be around my age, even shook my hand and said she hoped I’d be back for more services. I was still riding that high when a man’s voice rang out “GOOD EVENING!”.
A stout man stood on stage in front of the pulpit. He was accompanied on each side, one by Brother Amos, and the other by an equally tall woman. She wore the same outfit as Amos, and was even bald like him. The man in the middle looked short in comparison. He wore a white robe, that looked almost like a hospital gown, and had a short neatly trimmed goatee and brushed back black hair that showed off his receding hairline.
“Folks, as you know, tonight is a special night. We have in our midst a newcomer!” He turned his gaze toward me, which made me self conscious and I shifted in my seat. “Who, by grace, will be received into our family. But only!” He slammed his fist onto the podium, jolting me. “After experiencing the full depth and transcendence, of a service here at New Life Church.” A couple people in the crown clapped and hollered, and I nervously put my hands together as well. Brother Amos and his counterpart walked into the door in the back, and carried out what looked like a stone basin, and laid it on the stage, directly to the right of the podium, setting it down with a heavy ‘THUD’. The thing was gray and ornate, with etchings and markings all around it that looked similar to hieroglyphs. At the same time, I noticed the smell in the room had gotten stronger. It was even sweeter now, sickeningly so. It was so sweet, I could feel it starting to burn my sinuses. I looked around to see if anyone else was bothered by this, but everyone was just standing there, looking forward towards the preaching, smiling in anticipation.
“So many of us tend to feel lost.” The preacher started his sermon as the towering duo walked back into the room behind the pulpit. “So many of us tend to feel alone. So many of us tend to feel trapped. But as we know here, we are never alone.” A couple of folks whooped and hollered at this. “Rejoice my friends, into the world unseen. Let it shape you. Let it kill you and destroy you. Let it rebuild you in its truth.” A smattering of sweat had formed on the preachers brown as he dabbed at it with a cloth stuffed in his shirt pocket. “REJOICE” he boomed, and the congregation cheered in response. At this time, Brother Amos and his counterpart returned back from the side door. This time holding a pig
The thing screamed and bleated and struggled, and the two giants holding it seemed to be having significant difficulty keeping it still. I looked incredulously over at Chris but for some reason, i felt like I couldn’t move. Something was pinning me to the seat. The smell was overwhelming now, and I could almost see a faint haze permeating the room. They presented the pig to the Pastor, who withdrew a mid sized ornate knife from his breast pocket. My legs felt numb. I tried to shout in protest but still my throat was closed. The room spun as my heart raced. The smell of overwhelmingly sick sweetness overtook my senses as the Pastor cried out “REJOICE” as he cut across the swines throat and dark blood poured into the stone basin.
As the blood poured I felt my mind slip away. Visions started to dance across my eyes as and it felt like my sense of self had entirely dissolved. The color of the blood from the pig, seemed to mix into the fog that now encased the room, leaving the atmosphere around me a dark red, nearly black. As the fog became thicker and thicker I saw visions in the cloud. I saw what looked like men rising out of the mud with horrible creatures, deformed and distorted and old holding onto their backs. I saw giant beings, that looked more akin to mountains than living things, raise mighty hands and earthquakes devastated the land. I saw the damned, raising their fists screeching their blasphemies in languages long forgotten to man as the creatures that I can only describe as demons laughed. I saw the atrocities committed by the human race, innocents tortured and killed as they begged for mercy. Mothers being ripped from their children, and families so thin their ribs pushed against the sides of their skin huddled against a wall as they succumbed to their hunger. The demons continued to laugh.
I saw the creatures, they were here with us now, chiding us, laughing harder more as reality crumbled around me. Yet as I felt my perception of self and my reason dissolve, I felt an overwhelming feeling of peace wash over me. As this feeling overtook me, the fog swirled and the visions around me changed. I saw the strings that held this universe together and the planes of existence above and below it, constantly tugging on each other, influencing each other.
I saw the universe start to form, in the formless void, something created somehow from nothing. I saw the unintelligible formation of consciousness in the first beings. I can’t possibly relay everything that I saw. I don’t think there are words to describe it. I don’t think that given a lifetime I could describe to you the depth of and significance of that I saw in the smoke. The fog grew darker and darker, and at some point without realizing, the waking world and the sleeping consciousness of self collided and I was out.
I woke up Sunday morning in my apartment with what felt like a hangover. My phone lay on my bedside table, and I seen that I had an unopened text message. It was from Chris. He thanked me for joining him at the service and hoped I would be back next Saturday night. I’m sorry but I feel like I’ve been in a slog since this happened. I can’t stop thinking about that church. My work performance is suffering, and I’m making mistakes that I otherwise would have caught. Nothing in this world feels real anymore. Not when you know what lies beyond.
I know it’s a terrible idea, but I’m considering going back to that church. I want to know more. I blacked out just as I was really starting to grasp the truth. At least there I won’t be alone. I also feel the need to discuss what I saw, with someone, anyone. I want to share it, I need the world to know. And words cannot do it justice. I need to show them.