When I arrived Hel was already there. Sitting on the floor of the hallway with her head between her knees. I can’t remember what day it was, but it couldn’t be more than three as I still have 5% battery left. “I was waiting for you to go in”, she said. I could understand, going inside that old apartment was no easy feat.
It had been years - probably more than a decade - since I’d been there. The building still looked almost completely empty, apart from the people you could hear across the corridor, but never see. Probably night shift workers, or recluses, like our mom. The whole building has a hollowness to it, in here I feel like my heart is sinking deep into my chest. It’s always been like this, even as a kid, living here. The building has an odd architecture where the windows face this enclosed courtyard of sorts, but so tiny you could seem all the apartments within.
I had sworn never to go inside that apartment again, but there I was. Hel looked distressed but healthy. It was good to see her despite the circumstances. It was good to have company too, especially one that was surely feeling the same heaviness, guilt, fear and anger I was.
We went inside quietly. Despite the small building, the apartment was quite big inside, but made up of a mess of hallways and nooks almost like it wasn’t planned for people to live in. The living room was an even worse mess then what i remembered. The window, i could never forget how trapped it made me feel, looking out at stained concrete walls and blackened windows, with enough of a sliver of the sky visible that you would remember it exists, but no enough to feel alleviated by it.
Hel called out to our mother a few times, but got no response. “I’m really worried this time, Viv, she’s never been this quiet for this long” She had been coming to see our mom a few times a month for years now, been her only company. She never went past the living room anymore though, mom wouldn’t let her.
“Let’s go in together, okay?” I started to lead the way into the next hallway. We walked past the first bedroom, the one Hel and I used to share. It was still set just like we had left it, the two messy beds on each wall, forming an “L” - we would sleep head to head and whisper fairytales to each other before we fell asleep. I looked at Hel’s face and could tell she hadn’t remembered something as sweet. In fact I could tell what night had come to her mind. The day dad left. The day our mom begged him with all the energy in her heart and all the air in her lungs for him to take us with him, to be freed from us. I squeezed Hel’s hand. “Come on” I said as i pulled her away and closed the door behind us.
We turned a left and then a right, walked past the strange nook in the middle, and arrived. Mom’s bedroom. Hesitantly, i opened the door. We could see she was lying in bed, covered in blankets. As we got closer we saw she was awake, and coughing weakly. She looked sick, frail, old. It had been so long since i’d seen her that it took me a moment to understand that this was her, my mother, who i’d refused to visit, just as she refused to leave that apartment, even if just for a walk with her daughter.
Delicately, Hel went to her side and touched her on the shoulder. “Mom” She said again. And our mom’s eyes opened, confused, trying to gather her surroundings as if she had been sleeping for an eternity. “Mom, I’m here too” I said, meaning, despite everything, i had come back for her. I couldn’t help but tear up, and in my mind i repeated to myself ‘DON’T cry, DON’T put your guard down, don’t let her do this to you again”.
“No, no, no, no, no” Mom sounded annoyed. She slowly wobbled her way up to sit on the bed and i could see her eyes were filled with tears too, but angry tears. “Girls, you can’t be here, how many times have i told you not to come in my bedroom!”.
Hel couldn’t understand her anger, she was too young to remember how hard mom had always wanted us gone. “But mom, I hadn’t seen you in weeks, you weren’t answering me from the living room, we had to come check on you”.
“And you brought Vivian into this mess, she was already so far away” Mom replied, with some sorrow to her voice. “You two need to leave right now”.
“Mom, you’re sick, you need help” I tried to intervene.
“Can’t an old woman have her final days in peace? I’m dying! It’s about time too! Thank heavens! You think i wan’t to stay alive any longer? For what? The wonders of confined living? Get Oooout!!” Her anger was growing. She pushed Hel aside and struggled to get up on her feet, then she gathered her hands on her sides, took in a big breath and yelled “LEEEEAVEEE!!”
We were scared like little girls, but as we saw her slump down to catch her breath we couldn’t help but worry for her health. As much as I felt compelled to, I couldn’t run way like a little girl anymore. “We are not leaving without you, you need to come with us so we can help you”.
As our mom gathered her breath to yell at us once more, i looked at Hel and she looked at me. We shared one of those sister moments where we know what we have to do without needing to say a word. For years we tried to get mom to leave that apartment, we tried yelling, crying, promises, guilt trips even deception. We knew none of that worked. So as a last resort we would have to, unfortunately, use force.
“I don’t need your help, I need you to get out of this house! Can’t you see, i belong here, and there’s nothing for the two of you here, nothing!”
“ I’m so sorry, mom, but you need to come with us” Hel said, as calmly as possible.
We grabbed her by the arms and legs. It was surreal to do such a degrading thing to someone who, for better and worse, had raised me. But I just couldn’t let her deprive herself of everything for that place, her freedom, her youth, her friends, love, and now her life. So many times as a kid i wished for someone to come and save me from that place. I had to save myself, and now it was time for me to save her.
We carried her kicking and screaming. She tried to grab at the walls at the bedroom door but we were able to push her through. Then at the corners she propelled her body so hard we couldn’t help but drop her. She fell to the floor like a rock, then scurried away so quickly i could barely believe what i was seeing. She hid herself in the nook. She stood there facing the wall. And started whispering.
We approached her slowly, thinking of how best to get her out of that tight nook. Then all of a sudden she started screaming and kicking at the wall in a mad rage. “You can’t have them!! The deal was between you and me and I have lived, i have LIVED, true to that deal every day of my life. You keep your slimy hands away from my girls!”.
I had never seen my mom act in such a deranged way. I wondered if all that time, since we were kids, she had been like that, and I just wasn’t aware enough to notice. It made me …. desperate. Like a gut feeling of desperation. My mom, this person I thought had wanted to be rid of me and who hurt me in so many ways, she wasn’t a bad mom, she was sick. All that time.
There was no time to say anything. Hel and I just grabbed her any way we could and headed to the door. Once we got to the living room, mom found a way to grab onto the television mounted on the wall and throw it at the floor, taking Hel down with it. I wasn’t able to contain her alone.
She ran across the room, crouched over and screamed into her hands. And then at us. “YOU CAN’T BE IN HERE WHEN I’M GONE! I was already LEAVING! SOMEONE HAS TO STAY WITH HIM, He will make sure of it. PLEASE, let me stay, PLEASE, it has to be me, it can’t be you”
We were all in tears by then. It was cripplingly sad to see mom in that state. Is that how she felt when she wouldn’t leave the house even when there was no food? When the electricity was cut and we stayed without light for a week? Did she feel like she couldn’t go out without subjecting us to a life trapped inside?
We reassured her. “Mom, you are not well, we need to get you help, we only wan’t what’s best for you” “We promise it will all be okay”
“We are so sorry” Then we tacked her again. I took her by the feet and Hel to her by the arms. We were so close, we couldn’t give up on her now. We walked the long hallway to the exit door. It felt like forever with mom thrusting her body erratically. I was so focused on geting her through that door, out of that horrible place, finally after so many years. To be free. I didn’t even notice what was happening until the last second.
“Viv! VIV!” Hel yelled at me. I came out of my trance to hear a roar and approaching heavy steps coming from deep within the apartment. “What is that?” I asked. “I don’t know!” We had to use all our strength to get the door open with our mother trying to stop at each step. When we finally did i looked back and saw an enormous misshaped shadow loom on the hallway floor. I was already outside when, in a team effort, Hel and I finally succeeded in getting our mother out of that house. But Hel had kicked back a few inches from pushing mom so hard and had to get her balance back. Before she could do so, though, the door slammed shut in our face, and the locks were turned in a quick unearthly whoosh.
I couldn’t breathe.
“WHAT DID YOU DO! WHAT DID YOU DO! WHAT DID YOU DO!” I was paralyzed as i heard my mom’s scream. I stared at her horrified face, her body violently convulsing in rage, hitting the door whit all its force. I heard my sister’s screams on the other side of the door, her pleading for help. My mind drifted away to one of those nights when we were kids, when Hel told me a scary story about the Mean Man in the hallway. I assured her there was no man there, it was just us, and that i would always protect her. I thought I understood that time in our lives so well. Maybe she understood better than i did.
It’s been at least a day since I’ve heard Hel through the door. Our mom is no help, she’s been walking the corridor just wailing, uncontrollably. I would too, if i were her. If i had tried so hard to save my kids and failed. I’m so sorry, mom, so sorry i didn’t believe you. I can’t leave either, not with my little sister still inside. God, I don’t know what to do. I can’t just sit here, i need to find a way inside.