I don’t remember what I was dreaming about, all I know was that it wasn’t pleasant. I woke up with a jolt, my eyes shot wide open. When I realized that I couldn’t move any part of my body, I began to panic. All the while my chest started to get heavier.
My heart started to beat vigorously, I couldn’t even close my eyes no matter how hard I tried, as if they were being pried open by invisible hands. I looked around the room, not even able to move my head.
Then I saw her.
She had a red floral dress that hung over her knees, and bright hair matching her dress. She was standing still in the corner of my room, not doing anything. My eyes never left her sight, afraid of what might happen if my eyes left her even for a second.
Just then, she started walking.
I used all my might to move my body, but it was all in vain. She had no face. No teeth, no eyes, no nose, just plain olive skin. I helplessly looked at her while she just got closer to me. When she did reach my bed though, she didn’t come for me. She didn’t try to hurt me nor did she try to taunt me. She just sat down on my bed near my legs, I felt her weighing down my bed. Then she did something surprising.
Her hands went up to cover her empty face and started sobbing. The sobs were soft at first. Then it started to get loud. So loud that it was the only thing I could hear. The cries were filled with pain, as if she had held in all these for centuries and just came here to pour them all out. They rang in my ear for what felt like hours.
Then I woke up. I don’t know how I did, but I was upright on my bed with sweat dripping on every inch of my body. My eyes frantically looked around for the woman. Nothing. Just all the boxes left to unpack. Quickly, I ran to turn all the lights on. I didn’t sleep a wink after that.
I called my mum soon after that.
“Who did you see?” Her voice had a lace of fear slivered in it.
“I don’t know,” I told her, reliving the moment, “She had no face ma.”
There was a moment of silence, “Ma?”
“Jake, that’s not a good sign.” I could feel her frown from the other side of the phone.
“It’s just sleep paralysis. It can happen when you’re stressed.” I told her. I had forgotten how superstitious she is. “I always forget how sensitive you are.” Those words stung me. I had always been the soft boy growing up, easily hurt, easily manipulated.
“My mother always used to tell me that’s how demons get you.” Before I could retaliate, she shushed me. “I know you don’t believe in these things, but it will make me feel better if you could just listen to me.” I hung up the call barely listening to what she said.
———
The next night, I was jolted awake again. My eyes immediately darted at the corner of my bedroom, as if my brain was anticipating it. She was there again. That time with a white t-shirt and blue jeans. And again, no face.
Her gait seemed different, she wasn’t able to fully put her weight on her right side of her leg. Watching her walk with the limp made me wince for her. She sat at the same place again. I tried to focus more on her face, there seemed to be a huge purple mark on her where the eye should’ve been. Before I could look at it more, she covered her face again. I braced myself for the haunting wails. And they came like a storm.
This time, she seemed to be in more pain. She clutched her chest tightly, and screamed. Her breathing was severely unstable, and even if there were no tears, no snot, nothing on her face, you could hear it in her cries. And she spoke.
Not speak but more like bawled, “Why.” She kept repeating that again and again. Those words pierced my ears until I was jerked awake. Again, with my sheets soaking in my sweat. I couldn’t move at all. The words, “Why.”, ringing in my ears. And I felt emotionally drained. After that, how could I fall back asleep? How could anyone?
~
This went on for weeks.
I grabbed my 4th coffee of the day after work and went back to my building. I waited for the elevator, sipping on my drink. Just then, a man stood next to me. We glanced at each other and nodded with acknowledgement.
“Haven’t seen you around?” He asks. God. I really wished he didn’t have to start a conversation.
“Yeah I just moved here like 5 weeks ago.” I replied back as politely as I could regardless of how tired I was. He seems to notice my mood. “Seems like you haven’t slept since then.” Rude.
“Been having some trouble with it.” I shrugged.
The elevator door opened right then. “I’m Michael by the way.”
“Jake.” I simply said while we both entered.
“Try some melatonin gummies. They really knock you right out.”
“Yea maybe I should try that.” I said, clearly disinterested.
He got out of the second floor, right where I also live.
“You also live on this floor?” He asked, seemingly shocked. I just nodded.
And his apartment was just 2 doors before me. “Want some of those gummies? I got a few extra?” He offered, but I declined. I wasn’t about to get gummies from a random stranger. Just then his apartment door swung open. “Mira babe.” Micheal greets a woman, who then looks at me.
My heart started to beat rapidly, cold sweats dripping, and I lost control of my hand, the coffee bottle slipped out. “Woah are you okay?” Michael put his hands on my shoulder to help me balance. Mira grabbed the bottle and gave it back to me.
I take a full look at her. The bright red hair. I couldn’t stand there anymore. I said a quick goodbye and rushed to my apartment, stumbling along the way, like I had run a marathon beforehand. Before I entered, I took a look back again. Michael was already in. But Mira looked at me. Her eyes. Her fucking eyes. They looked as if they wanted to say something. I closed the door and dropped on the floor.
With my hands on my head, I tried to calm my rapid heart rate. It couldn’t be her. How could it be her? It’s just sleep paralysis. Nothing is real. But the fading bruise on her eye, the red hair, the same floral dress I saw on the first day. And even if it was just a coincidence that they looked familiar, the deja vu was intense, knocking every other thought out of me.
Just a dream. Just a dream. Just a fucking dream.
~
My eyes opened slowly and my chest weighed heavily. The dread slowly creeped in as I realised it’s happening again. I turned my head towards where she always came.
It was her.
Mira.
Her eyes, her nose, her lips, they were all there. Every missing puzzle piece was filled in. Even the bruise, the dress she was wearing today. She was no longer faceless.
She walked towards me as always, the same routine. Sat on the end of my bed. And it began, as always. The goddamn cries. I turned my head to the ceiling and listened to her, as if it was a melody she was wailing. Maybe if I listened closely, I’d know something.
~
I met Mira two days after the incident, while waiting for the elevator. I clasped my bag tightly, with my heart beating fast. I didn’t know if she could sense my discomfort. I felt her glancing at me, I didn’t have the guts to look back. “You’re Jake right?” She snapped me out of my thoughts.
I turned to her slowly, and nodded. She had a new bruise, right over her cheeks. They seemed to be fresh, with blues and red dancing in them. I lowered my gaze and saw the same marks clasped around her wrists. She noticed me looking at them and laughed nervously, “It’s just a stupid accident.” She puts them behind her.
“And you are Mira?” I tried to put the attention away from her bruises. With a small smile, she nodded.
“Hope you are doing fine now?” She looked concerned. “You didn’t seem to look so good last time I saw you.” The more she talked, the more her aura seemed to swirl around her. Warmth.
“Just some problem sleeping.” I told her.
She nodded and we both turned to look at each other, just stared for a few seconds. Her eyes.
At that moment, the elevator door opened with a ding. I got in but realised that Mira wasn’t following me. I held the open button and waited for her to get in, yet she stayed where she was. Something in her posture seemed off. The way her fingers were playing with each other and the way she was visibly clenching her jaw.
“Mira?”
“Go ahead Jake.” She put on a smile. “I left something back home.”
I let go of the button. The elevator door slowly closed while we both stared at each other. And for a split second, before the door fully closed, she gave me those god damn eyes again.
~
I woke up to loud sirens blaring. It felt strange to wake up being able to move my body. Looking out the window, I see all multiple police cars and an ambulance parked.
Wearing a T-shirt, I swung open my door. Most of my neighbours were gathered. I followed them to see what was going on. My heart dropped when I saw them standing outside Mira’s apartment.
“Sir you are not allowed to go in.” The policeman stopped me with his hand on my chest. With a push, I ran into the room. The officer followed after me, and clasped my hand tight, trying to get me out.
Mira was on the floor, with the noose still attached to her neck. My vision started to blur and there were ringing in my ears. I began to hear her crying, hands went up to my ears to stop them. No matter how hard I pressed, I heard her. Loud and clear as if it came from within me.
I soon cried with her, like I was her vessel and she was using me to vent. The pain spread from my heart to my neck, my hands searched for nonexistent rope. They clawed my neck till it was red and swollen. The police officer had to physically restrain me. EMTs’ did everything they could to help. The panic stopped, but so did I. A part of me died.
Then I saw him. Michael.
Sitting down on the bed, being questioned. I saw his body language, giving out an aura of confidence even in this situation. There was something swirling around him, different from that of Mira. Coldness. He locked eyes with me, and I noticed a shift in them before he broke contact.
I take a look at Mira’s stiff body again. Those bruises on her hands and face were still clear. And her eyes, how were they still open? It felt like a message from her. The kitchen was just a few steps away. And just near the sink, were a stack of knives.
Something just clicked inside me then, as if I wasn’t in control of my body. I could just hear Mira’s voice telling me what to do. She whispered sweet words in my ears, luring me to the kitchen. All of the people there were too busy to notice me. The officers were still talking to Michael, others examining Mira, and the rest trying to control the crowd that formed outside of the room.
I slowly walked to the kitchen and hid a knife under the blanket and walked back towards where Michael was standing. The officers left just in time to get to him. He turns to me with a confused look, “I didn’t know you and Mira were close.”
“I don’t think that is the first question you ask when your girlfriend dies.” Before he could react, I pierced the knife right through his chest. There was much more resistance than I expected. But I was fueled from the inside, as if something else was helping me power through. There were four more stabs before the police pinned me down. Michael’s body fell right next to me.
He was already gone when he fell, crimson red staining the grey carpet. I know I should have felt something then. Remorse. Guilt. Sorrow. I felt none of that. Instead there was relief. From what I’m not sure. But I felt it.
The police officers were yelling loudly. I couldn’t comprehend what they were saying. I kept looking at Michael’s eyes as the paramedics tried to stop the bleeding. Those eyes. And I smiled.
~
My mum could barely look me in the eyes, her own puffy, swollen, and red. “Why, Jake?” I didn’t know what to say, she wouldn’t even have understood even if I gave her the full story.
Leaning forward, I shrug, “He was,” I put my hand on the clear pane, forcing her to look at me. “Not a good person ma. I don’t regret anything.” She just stared, and I could tell what she was thinking behind those eyes. She couldn’t see me in myself, her son was gone. The silence in the room was deafening, the breathing of the guards was apparent. Not saying a word, she puts the phone back, the click amplified. She doesn’t even meet me in the eyes before leaving.
I don’t bother calling out to her, just watch her leave because I know it’s the last time I will ever see her. The guard escorts me back to my cell.
That’s where Mira stays.
She sits on the side of my bed as usual. I smile when I see her, and so does she. Mira looks happier ever since that day. There are no more bruises and no more crying. She’s free. And she keeps me company, that’s the one thing helping me stay sane during my time in prison.
“I’m sorry about your mom.” She says, putting a hand on my shoulder. She doesn’t have to ask to know what happened, she always knows. I put my hand over hers, “She wouldn’t have understood no matter what.” I know I should’ve felt some sort of sadness, that I’ve let down my own mother. But it has been a long while since I’ve felt something. I’m not the same sensitive boy.
“Nevermind that now.” I tell her. We both look at each other, with wide smiles on our faces.
And those eyes.