I carry a presence. It’s sadistic darkness makes me want to die in my depressive episodes, it disturbs me whenever I enjoy life and it is slowly eating my sanity.
I’ve always felt it. It’s not constant but it never fades out of memory. I know it comes from within, but our human simplicity let’s it take form as a presence, or a force. It does not occupy three dimensional space. It can’t been seen or imagined as having a shape. It’s only way to interact with us is by sending us flashes. I picture of something - a memory, but only for a split second, always tied with a distinct feeling, some kind of discomfort, not anxiety or fear, but something close.
As my disorder has progressed the past years this force is slowly evolving and learning what memories and feelings to use at what time. Sometime the haunt is so bad I toss and turn in bed for days, absolutely helpless. on a good day I get 5-10 flashes, most of them are real events, or memories and some are from dreams, even dreams I had a long time ago. and they all carry a similar feeling. The picture that flashes in my mind only last a split second, but the feeling lingers, it can linger for hours. If it can keep it going long enough, the next time the force decides you’ve had a long enough break the uncomfortable, unnamed feeling ads in strength. Causing me, who is a type of person people find to bring a sense of safety, calmness and trust. In the past year however, I’ve discovered that the force, which I wrongfully assumed to be a presence conjured by the darkness inside my mind can affect others, and my traits that give of a sense of security, warmth and love is the force attracting more pray to feed on.
Last summer I reconnected with an old friend I hadn’t heard from in years. Me and her enjoyed each others company for quite some time, until she got a boyfriend. It sort off faded after that, as it usually does.
Anywho, they grew apart and she moved out, first thing she did was contact me probably because of the traits the force makes me project warmth and safety, which a girl like her need from time to time.
We met up, chatted about the old days, I told her about my disorder and the disaster that was my breakup a year prior, we bonded quite well and we once again enjoyed each others company, we always had a bit of and odd bond, we often out of the blue finished each others sentences, and shared eerily similar though trails even when we several kilometers. We suddenly wanted lasagna at the same time, we sent snaps not a minute apart to tell each other of the sudden urge.
Many such instances occurred at and increasing rate, we made each others days better for a while.
As fall came and I was starting a new medication I started to notice that I could always tell what she felt at any given time that we we’re together, at first I couldn’t explain it but then it dawned upon me. It was also my feelings. I could tell she was hiding a lot of pain behind a mask, It was clear as daylight that she was slipping into a depression, and fast. Being bipolar I knew exactly what to do.
I got the ball rolling by sharing my experiences, opened her like a book at helped her understand what was going on. I urged her to see her physician and get a referral to a psychiatrist for assessment, I even wrote a letter for her to her physician to help her describe how fast it was progressing. She has a child that needs care.
Her physician put her on an SSRI. She started doing more things on her own so we didn’t hang out every day anymore. I felt weird because of it. and for a while I sensed a disturbance in the force. The presence felt different, as I noticed I became aware that it had been changing for a while. It’s only way of interacting with me was by inducing memories accompanied by the unnamed feeling. Now however memories, especially those involving her, and other people I love was glimpses of their micro expressions of discontent, disapproval or rejection. This feeling I knew. It’s similar to the unknown feeling but it contains a shock dose of anxiety, it’s a Propper shock once triggered. the presence found the guy who carries a sense of warmth and security’s kryptonite.
I was due for a mood episode anytime, I felt like a powder keg of depression at times and I knew that the dark presence has evolved. It kept me awake a lot.
The depression didn’t come for my part though, she on the other hand started struggling again, developed a alcohol problem, I was concerned and offered to stay with her until she fell a sleep or what ever after picking her up drunk. Turns out she needed intimacy and I was happy to provide. It felt good. It felt extremely good we both got a rush out of it. The next day I made a joke about staying over and the lit up like a lighthouse. I stayed over, things got heated and we had sex for hours, she craved the validation it gave her, and I craved her. For me it became like and it’s I couldn’t quite scratch. We we’re in over our heads, non of us could handle the intensity of emotions and hormones that followed in it’s wake.
She was busy a couple of days with work and childcare so we didn’t do anything. I felt weird though because I no longer had any flashes with distorted memories, fragments from uncomfortable dreams or nerve shocking anxiety from being bombarded by false memories of micro expressions of disapproval and rejection from those I desire love and affection from. It suddenly dawned on me that when she had episodes I was remarkably close to neurotypical. I quickly sent her a message asking what was up with some big faces, as I did I felt it. The hair on the back of my neck and arms rose as I was filled with the most intense dread I had ever experienced. Soon after she replied with “Come over and don’t judge me” my pulse shot through the roof and every single hair on my body stood tall. I franticly logged of my computer grabbed my things and sprinted to the car.
I didn’t knock. I walked straight in and saw this person whom I held very dear in the corner of her couch, bleeding from her wrist surrounded by notes to loved ones. It broke my hearth but I kept it together, the shot of adrenaline from the text help me in that regard. I went straight over to hug and kiss her but she quickly put me in my place, NO pity. Suddenly I realized I was there to sort this mess out somehow. I did however ask her how this happened and what she described sent the strongest chills down my spine I had experienced to date. She described the presence, exactly as I would have, I asked how long? turns out about a week, the same length of time I had been doing very well.
She had felt the full force of the presence, been forced to endure false memories of disapproval from me and twisted memories that induced more anxiety that she could withstand, add to that the SSRI that made her unstable. She was easy pray, didn’t take it long to break her.
I got her into a psych clinic, she had 2 hours of leave each day which we spent having sex. One day we did it just as I was leaving for work, as I kissed her good buy I felt weird, she said she was going to stop by her place to shower then head back to the clinic.
A few hours later I knew something was wrong simply by the fact that I couldn’t feel the unmistakable feeling of a omnipresent evil force, I sent her a text asking how she had settled in and got a pic of a deep gash in her wrist in return, I bolted from work, called the clinic to verify she wasn’t there and went straight to her. 15 suicide notes, a mirror that resembled a horror movie, with cruel words about her written in lipstick. The presence had taken that beautiful person I now loved and driven her to this, she tried to OD on pills and alcohol and could not even stand up. I cleaned her up a bit in the shower, she resisted everything I did, and she wanted was for me to abuse her. She knew she could control my erection, took her 10 seconds to get me inside her. I Fucked her for an hour until she agreed to come and get stitched.
After that the force that drove us together now feed on our unstable codependent nature. We decided to stop seeing each other, which hurt soo bad. We we’re soo good to each other yet so toxic.
She had a bad meltdown a couple of months later, her mother called and asked me to help. I was several hours away on a trip so they sent her to the hospital. I reached out the next day and offered my warmth once again, it ended up in us both drinking and me almost commit suicide due to rejection.
I carry a presence so evil, it make me long for death and makes anyone who dares love me mad.