Since I was a child, I have had trouble sleeping. At first it was medical, caused by the irregularity of my breathing. I got hooked to some machine that measured it for a month. It had hoses and cables, just awful to sleep with. Anyone that ever had this kind of thing can approve. As the month came to an end, doctors agreed that the irregularity was caused by the different stages of my REM phases. It is normal that the body behaves differently according to them. For me, it just meant some difficulties breathing, and my parents had to check on me before they went to sleep, until it stopped being a problem.
After that, the sleep still proved difficult to me, not as much because of the breathing, but because of my dreams. They were not nightmares per say, but they were uncomfortable if that makes sense. So, not being chased by killer clowns, demons, or ghosts, just confining. They made me dread the next day. I remember one of the early ones. It was normal, waking up, going to school, writing a test, doing good on it, and coming home, then I woke up. After waking up I just felt trapped, not myself, not alone… all those things, I do not know why.
As the years progressed these dreams adapted to my usual life. Always just the depictions of a normal day-to-day life, with those feelings following. One thing changed, I started to see weird, and bizarre twists of reality in them. Nothing frightening, but an orange would be an apple, lamppost would be a kitchen knife and so on. I know that dreams are a mess because our brain does not really apply logic there, but these details were hidden. Hidden in a way as if they were put there just out of my sight. If I could draw you a comparison, imagine a desk of yours at home, or at a job and put a lot of stuff on it if you are not a messy person. You know about everything on it, but you still can be surprised by what you can find, right?
Before I continue, you do have to know something about me. I love experiments, especially doing them. I just need to know stuff that interests me, I needed to know why this development was going on. Where would it lead me. And so on. Anyway, I started to write a diary about my dreams, trying to recall everything odd about them. After a while I started to learn about lucid dreaming. Then the experiments began.
It started off simply. I would try to interact with these weird objects of interest. At first it did not work, I would wake up, the object would disappear or would change to its logical counterpart. However, it got simpler. After a while I could interact with them easily. A few months passed, and I was quite well rounded in being able to be awake in my dreams, doing what I wanted to do.
The development of my dreams continued, from high school, to college, to my job, they always adapted. Even with this adaptation, they became stale, and my interest fell off. Then the nightmares began. Trust me or not, but beforehand, I did not ever have one. As any of you can imagine, it was quite a shock. I woke up all sweaty and shaking. This sparked my interest. To recall the dream, it was quite simple as any of them. I was sitting at my desk, preparing a presentation about safety at work, dull I know. After doing it for quite a while I had to use the toilet, a bad idea in a dream I know, but luckily nothing other than my sweat was on my bed afterwards.
Anyways, as I finished peeing, I got a small thought of lucidity. I did not notice anything bizarre, which it in itself was very weird. So, I began to look for it actively. And there it was, or she was. This was the first time I saw her in the mirror. As I said, ordinary objects were twisted into something different, but not this time. This time I was the twisted object. As I was washing my hands I glanced at the mirror and there she was. Staring at me, leaving my peripheral vision just as I looked away, not seeing her again. Then I woke up.
Now, this is not some original spooky stuff, that would frighten everyone, but as I said, it was my first time.
The experiments began anew. Every night, I dreamt, then wrote everything down. I wanted to find her, to see her again, to know who she was. A year has passed since this, and I saw her again 5 times total, the last night I slept was the latest, and I will see her again.
Three of those meetings were like the first one, having a glimpse of her and waking up. The only difference was the third one. You see, I stared at her, into the hollow eyes filled with shadow. It is weird to say, but we had a moment. Not exactly a romantic one, but I felt a connection. I felt I had known her for so long, as if we had been friends since childhood. Familiar feelings of dread, entrapment, but also of weird feeling of happiness.
This happiness did not really stay for long, as the fourth time came the very next night. Here, from the very start, it was not an ordinary dream. It was dark, cold and claustrophobic. I was in some school, a mixture of my previous ones. Long hallways stretched far into the distance, classrooms were open, but I did not dare to enter them, they felt… evil. So, I just walked and tried to navigate myself out of the school, but the architecture was the twisted object here, every time I stepped down from the stairs I was on the top floor, looping myself constantly.
I honestly cannot tell you how, but as all dreams, even this one, did not make a lick of sense, the only thing it did was to scare me. As I was wandering around the school, I heard a strange noise. A song of sorts, soft melody, bringing me some peace, then dread. “What made that noise?” I remember asking loudly. Then I knew. I did not hear it, I just knew the answer, it was her. Almost mockingly the song stopped, and I woke up.
To tell you the truth, this unsettled me, not because of the setting, or something new about my dreams. It was the constant feeling of presence. Same as in my dream. I just sat there. I was trembling, looking around my one room apartment, looking for a sign, but nothing. After a while my nerve got stronger and I managed to lay down. A few minutes later I felt an urge to pee, so I got up in my newly groggy state. Not wanting to switch the lights on, so to not wake up fully. I went to the bathroom and did my business. After that, as you can guess, I saw her as I saw her before in my dream, but now… in reality. A short glance at the mirror, and there she was. Staring at me with a gaping mouth, long tendrils of black hair, as if stretching out of the mirror. As quickly as I saw her, I gasped and blinked, there remained nothing.
In one way it scared me, in another it intrigued me. How was this possible? The macabre image of her, now in my real mirror?
Now what should I do? Repeat my earlier stare into her eyes as in my dreamland? or try and avoid it? As I said the possibility intrigued me, but the fright was too great. I did not sleep the next night, thinking, trying to figure out this puzzle. Was she always in my dreams? Was she the architect of the objects of my obsession? Were they put there just to taunt me? Or to distract me? I pondered about these ideas till the next morning. Thankfully, it was Friday, and I had the day off. So, I went through my old dream diaries, searching for a clue, an answer to my questions. The only thing I found was nothing. No records of mirrors, or ghostly face. But then it hit me. Are the mirrors being so integral to my new dreams? These mirrors were just there. Dark, as if windows to shadows. I had seen shadows in almost every dream I can recall. They were nothing special. So, what was an integral part of her presence? Then a new idea came to me. Was she the presence of my feelings of dread, claustrophobia, fear, happiness, and euphoria? Was she my inner self? An image, twisted like all the objects she put in my dreams? I heard that dreams work like metaphors, until then I did not really understand it. Now it makes sense. You see, these feelings were preceded by real events. Even if I dreamt of me driving a fast car, or fishing, I had the feeling of that day amplified. If I were happy that day, after I woke up, I would feel happy. If I were sad, I would feel sad. Every time these emotions repeated, but only more prominent, more alive. This was the weird mixture that unsettled me throughout my years. You see, the feeling of unexpected happiness would be swiftly altered into dread after I woke up.
I mentioned I had no nightmares till now, and I think this is important. I now feel fear. Dread. Despair. If she truly is the manifestation of my emotions, chemicals in my brain, then it does make sense as all dreams do in some way. Now the question to this hypothesis is; as my fear grows, is she growing stronger? Is this a reason why I saw her in my real mirror? If so, she will be back, and she will be stronger, adapted… Now my fear grows. If that is true what I think, then it means that we will possibly interact with each other.
I could not sleep that night; I was just waiting for her to come. I even think I heard the song she sang as a siren, luring me into danger. Every time I thought I heard it, it stopped. Was that dream or just a phantasm of a sleep deprived mind? I do not know which is true, but I know it does not matter. If I am scared, I know she is coming. The more it is pushed away, the more frightening it gets.
I cannot sleep now. I simply wait for the inevitable. It is Monday 4 in the morning now. I texted my boss yesterday about taking sick leave for today and tomorrow. I just want to sleep, but I am too afraid to. I now hear the song constantly. I do not dare to look into any mirror or any reflection. Now, I know that I hear the song, but I cannot record it. I tried, but it just came out as a silence. Through my frightful stay at home without sleep for three days I searched the internet for answers. I read about demons, goblins, ghouls and about schizophrenia, parasomnia and other things… but do not know now, I do not know anything to be honest. What I know is her. She is a part of me from the beginning and it is time to meet her.
Some of you may have asked yourself, how could I search the web and not see any reflection from the screen of my computer… well I did see her again, I see her now, waiting and mocking me.
I do not know what will happen next, but I know I cannot stay awake for much longer. I just wanted to say this, to have some… I do not know, evidence? About what is happening to me. Maybe my mind is rotting, if that is true, this shall serve as the last solace of my healthy mind, that can differentiate between the real and the fantastic. However, if it truly is some mental illness, I do frankly feel happy, because I know she will not hurt me. She will not harm me even when she does, even when she tries her hardest. It is I who will do that… and that brings me peace. Not because I would fancy a pain on myself, but because the devil in the corner of my eye is no one… is nothing. I hope it is my mind rotting, I hope I shall see the light of healthy thought in my future, even if restrained and medicated in a mental institute. Just one thought is all I wish for. Thought of peace and solitude. I just do not want to see her, to feel her anymore. If I do not wake up, I just want to say… goodbye and… good night…