I don’t remember much of my childhood, most of my memories are strongest after high school. Unfortunately, those memories are not happy or comforting. I tried not to delve too deep into my memories but rather hoped and waited for better days.
Then I met the love of my life when I was 29. It was January 10th, 2018. He was my soul mate. He showed me what love was, proved to me that I was lovable (contrary to the “truth” I grew up with). I felt that I had finally found my better days because I was actually genuinely happy for the first time.
Sometimes, though, the brain struggles to see the goodness in life. The chemistry is wrong just enough to set your world spiraling into darkness. I had this love and happiness but the dark fog continued to cover me. Every day was a struggle to keep my head above water and I didn’t know how much longer I could take it.
I ended up losing my battle with darkness and willingly let it take me.
What have I done?
But it wasn’t over. I thought my existence in this world would over. Yet, instead of darkness, I suddenly opened my eyes and saw life again.
Only it wasn’t the same. I had re-entered my life at the beginning. I was a child that had just gained an awareness of self.
This can’t be real - I thought.
This isn’t right.
This isn’t how it was supposed to be, it’s all wrong.
I was my child self again but with all the memories of my first life. I was forced to relive my life over again, but with all the trauma, depression and anxiety left over from before.
I was forced to grow up in the same life, in the same childhood that my mind chose to forget last time - and I was forced to see and experience what should have stayed forgotten.
No matter how hard I tried altering the course of this second life, I was trapped in the prison of repeating the first.
I assumed that this was my cruel yet deserving punishment for giving in to darkness. I had to relive my life and as much as I wanted to let the darkness take over again, I would not allow it, in fear that I would wake up again and have to go through my life for yet another round. I never imagined such a cruel punishment could exist, or that there could be anything crueler than this.
Until January 10th, 2018, I was making a drive up north. I stopped for gas and went into the shop for coffee. As I was making my way to the shop, a man walked out and bumped into me. He turned, said “So sorry”. My heart dropped out of my chest, fell to the ground and crashed into a million pieces.
God that hurt like hell.
Standing there in the parking lot of a dirty gas station, a gaping hole in my chest, I watched my soulmate turn and walk away from me, not knowing who I was or what we were in a previous life.
This was the cruelest of punishments.