My ex and I were together from sophmore year to sophomore year. In that time I managed to cheat on them with another person I’ve been in love with since I met them. Me and the other cheater gaslit our partners into thinking we were just friends and we got away with it. They still don’t know. The other cheater and I ended up fighting about what we should do and decided to just stop talking to each other. I know I know it’s evil but we just decided to stay in our unsatisfying relationships and go out separate ways.
Everything started going downhill when Covid hit. Obviously it was a hard time for everyone, I’m just noting when things got bad. Anyway I went to my Freshman year of college in a pandemic and it was hard. I went to _____ so it was so sad to see the campus so dead. I still tried to make the most of it by joining clubs, reaching out to ppl, even getting a job on campus. None of it was enough and I just wasn’t ok there. Ive always had social anxiety but it wasn’t till now that I admitted it being an issue. I found myself having panic attacks mid conversation, unable to sleep, unable to eat or drink, I sought out help and they told me I was depressed and anxious. I said ok and accepted any help I could get. Things weren’t changing with therapy and medication so I decided to work my hardest to transfer somewhere else I thought I could be happier.
I got into ___ and I was so happy and proud of myself, so were all my friends and family. The summer before my Sophomore year I had really high hopes and couldn’t wait to have a clean slate. My partner and I were closer now because I transferred and although I didn’t let that influence my decision it was still a plus. Despite me cheating before I tried my hardest to still love them. But they ended up raping me and I ended the relationship. TW: We were messing around in their room and midway through I just wasn’t in the mood anymore so I told my partner. They looked sad and said “Aw are you sure?” And ofc I was like yeah I’m sure but they kept pushing and I don’t know for some reason I said fine. I just wanted them to leave me alone. They got on top of me and started and I wasn’t moving at all. I wasn’t moaning or anything. They finished and I just laid there for 10 minutes. They asked if I was ok and I told them no and that they just raped me. They tried defending themselves by saying I said it was ok but my ok was out of pressure and not once during the sex did I ever reciprocate. They started crying… I eventually just pushed it away and said everything’s ok.
Soon after, right at the start of the semester, I made the decision to end the relationship. They weren’t expecting it but I was planning it out since they did what they did. I couldn’t look at them the same. I never told them the real reason we needed to breakup just that we can’t grow together.
A lot of other shit happened but this is the gist.
Im now in a serious committed relationship with the same person I cheated on my ex with. We live together, they like my friends/family I like theirs too. I’ll be honest I’ve never been so happy with another person.
What I did to my ex was unfair and ugly. What my ex did to me was violating. This isn’t the first time they’ve coerced me into having sex. I don’t regret anything anymore. I’m far past regret, if I could tell them I’m not sorry I would. He was never a good person.