Hi…
So. I don’t really know how much time I have left – but I’m hoping I can maybe find someone else who has experienced this before … or maybe just warn others. Before this week, I’d never had any kind of mental health issues beyond the odd bout of anxiety or depression. No history of anything severe in the family either. This all just… came out of nowhere.
So on Tuesday morning, early – like, before 7 or something, my partner woke me up with her usual morning routine. Shower, sink, etc. etc. Nothing out of the ordinary - Usually I have my roll around the bed in existential denial and then get up to brew us some coffee. Now, I obviously fit in my denial roll but when I tried to sit up… it happened.
My dog, a small little dachshund, started growling and snarling viciously. At the same moment… it was like I lost forward motor function in body. Everything gave out in my back and my head hit the pillow. I lost consciousness. I don’t know how long I was out but when I woke up, I had several texts from my partner with varying levels of concern …basically just telling me to go to bed earlier tonight so I can get up and have breakfast with them the next day.
Weird… but forgettable.
But that was just how it started.
Because the next day, it was basically the same thing – stirring in the morning, rustle, rustle, roll roll – sit up - dog growls - fall back to sleep. When I woke up, I had no texts at all. Shit, she must be really pissed at me. So I texted her right away.
“Hey babe! I’m so, so sorry about that! I don’t know what’s going on, I swear I came to bed at a normal time.”
I sat there stewing for a second. That’s when I noticed my dog was sleeping on the floor on the other side of the room.. well, not sleeping. Watching me. A chime from my phone –
“What are you talking about? You got up and we had breakfast together…We did a lot more than that lol. You made me late for work… you just wouldn’t stop. It was hot though ;)”
I still remember the mixture of confusion, anger and…jealousy?? that hit me immediately. All the obvious questions hit me and none of them had any reasonable answers. What was going on with me? Was I going into a miniature fugue state?? But what kind of fugue state lasts 2 hours? It fucked with me… hard, that first day. I didn’t want to worry her but I knew it was going to be hard to keep it from her.
So I had an idea. I would try recording myself. I’ve got a small nanny cam from when we had someone dogsit (i know, I know) and I placed it inconspicuously on top of one of our shelves so it would catch my attempt to sit up. I wanted to see if it looked like anything was giving out in my back.. or even how long I stayed asleep. I just had to make it through the night without weirding out my partner too much… which turned out to not be an issue. She was all over me when she got home and, honestly, we tired ourselves out. I meant to do some sort of prep-work or something before the next day but honestly I just passed out.
And when I woke up I had 5 text messages from my partner.. and instead of it being 10 or so in the morning, it was almost 6 in the evening. My chest and body were burning with… scratch marks… all over them. The room was chaos. Bed sheets strewn around and dressers knocked over. I had dried blood all over my shirt and the camera was smashed into fragments against the far wall. I opened the texts.
“Why did you do that to me?”
“I don’t know anything about that camera.. I can’t believe you would act like such a psycho and not believe a single thing I told you.”
“I don’t think I can ever trust you again, Stephen. My brother is going to be by later to get my stuff. Don’t even ask about Dobie.”
The next two were from much later in the day. Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt my world come unglued.
“If you ever come near me again I’m calling the cops. I don’t know what’s happened to you but you need to seek professional help.. right away. I could barely keep my coworkers from calling the cops on you. What were you even trying to say?? Look I don’t even want to know – you need help.”
At this point I was sobbing quietly into my hand. I felt so alone and completely unhinged. My eyes scanned the room for answers or explanations. They came to rest on something, finally, as I read the last text sent 20 minutes ago,
“Stephen… has Alex come by yet? He was supposed to be back an hour ago.”
I haven’t done very much since reading that text - I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I don’t think I’m very good at hiding bodies.