I often have dreams, extremely vivid ones, often involving the people in my real life. I’m always aware that I’m dreaming and I have a lot of control of myself; though, I can never control other people. Time works differently in my dreams, sometimes I’m there for a few hours, sometimes I’m there for years but I always just sleep for one night in the real world. I’ve also perfected the ability to just wake up if it’s boring or just a dream I don’t exactly like. This has become helpful is so many different situations but I try not to ever leave too early because the story usually gets better. When I’m not as tired, I can take the time to think up the exact dream and life I want to live for the night.
Last night was different.
I was absolutely exhausted. I had been out all day. My husband picked me up from the station and we went home. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. We went to sleep and I fell into a dream almost immediately.
In the dream, I woke up lying on my husband’s lap on a sofa in a house I assumed was ours. The house was different, the furniture slightly different too but it felt familiar and like us.
We talked about our day then watched a movie, our routine. The next days were pretty much the same, I had the same job, he had the same job, the only difference was that it felt like we had grown a little distant here.
A couple weeks go by and I bumped into his eldest brother. This is where I get this unusual sense of comfort. His brother and I don’t get along in the real world. I remind myself to be nice, which actually comes easier than I expected.
A few more weeks go by and I had started to feel like I can’t easily control my actions. Maybe I was over exhausted and just needed to let the dream play out “autopilot” style, I thought to myself. I realised I hadn’t done that in the last few months and thought why not.
I really wish I didn’t.
When I’m controlling my own actions, it feels like a first person story game which I quite enjoy. It’s a bit different when you’re letting the dream play out. It always feels like watching someone’s life through their eyes except with the people from your own life.
I stayed for months in this dream. I watched myself (or more her) push my husband away. I watched her develop a relationship with his brother. I eventually watched her separating from him and move in with his brother. I felt sick in my stomach, it no longer felt like my own life. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t interrupt her actions sooner, I guess a part of me truly believed that I would always go back to my husband no matter the circumstances. But she didn’t.
I can fix it, I remember thinking to myself as I started taking back control.
I walked home, where my husband stayed. We talked for hours about our lives and how things ended up this way. We talked about the possibility of mending things and the efforts it was going to take. Something in my head was fighting me, a feeling I hadn’t felt before. I could feel her thoughts. I brushed it off.
“Can I please kiss you,” his voice had never sounded so broken, “please.” Almost begging. And so I kissed him, fighting back the foreign feeling in my head, I kissed him and held him the way that I would. I told him we’d be able to get through this and that we’d meet again soon.
I didn’t know what to expect. Over the course of the next few days, I felt this hatred grow inside me. It did not belong to me. I was starting to lose control.
My relationship with my husband’s brother grew while I tried and tried to change it. I didn’t leave the dream, it had almost been a year since I played this life and I was determined to leave things right before I wake up.
I still feel nauseous writing about this. About the last day I spent there.
I had absolutely no control of myself, of her, she kept me behind her eyes to watch. There was such a grim feeling surrounding me, radiating from her. She got dressed, she got in her car, and she started driving home. Not an ounce of nervousness or doubt in her.
She got to our house and my husband opened the door. She invited him to go for a quick walk. “Don’t come” I wanted to shout, but I couldn’t, nothing I tried to do worked. And so we walked.
We walked the winding roads through the forest, not saying much, the atmosphere growing darker and darker. She asked him if he’d like to talk for a bit and he sits on the bench as she, I, stand in front of him.
He spoke but I couldn’t hear him, I could only feel her thoughts. I felt her/myself reaching for something in my pocket. I tried fighting her as hard as I could. A box cutter.
Kill him.
These are not my thoughts.
I push back her thoughts as much as I could. I try to get her to listen to what he has to say.
Kill him.
These are not my thoughts
I kept pushing and pushing, hoping she’d give up. For a split second, she listened. “There’s nothing that would make me stop loving you.”
I lost all control. I couldn’t stop her. It all happened so fast. She slashed his throat. I screamed and I cried and I held him apologising profusely, trying to hold pressure on his wound. As he bled out, he looked up at me, no trace of fear or anger in his eyes. He left. And so did she.
In a panic, alone and terrified, I wanted to get out. There was no way to fix this dream.
“I have to wake up”, I whispered to myself with my eyes shut tight, wiping my tears away.
An unexpected familiar voice interrupted, causing me to open my eyes only to see what looked almost like multiple realities being pulled apart like velcro.
“She can shift”
I don’t know what this means and I’m afraid.