The penetentiary I used to do time at was absolute ass, I mean is right that every US prison is like that, but the one I was locationed at was particularly shitty, I could write a whole novel with two sequels just talking about how much Barrings prison resembled hell, but what is important to this story is how often we showered, in most prisons back in the day you would shower on maybe a weekly basis if your lucky, usually two weeks, in my location? Fuckin quadruple that at two months, yep, two motherfuckin’ months, combined with sweat-breaking jobs we did daily, you get stuff like maggots starting to form on inmates due to the absolute bacteria overload, you wouldn’t be wrong if you confused the average inmate at Barrings prison for a zombie;
As you could imagine, I got dozens of stories to tell my kids before bed, will damn shit keep them awake thats sure, but got one I have been thinking about recently, my son introduced me to this Reddit app and decided, Hey! Why not?
This story takes place five years into my ten year sentence for burglarly with a gun and knife on me, and that day was celebration day, not beacuse I spent five years there, but beacuse it was the day we finally got to shower, to give you some details, the prison was so poor they only had five total shower heads in the room, we had to take turns lined up, I still remeber that washed up warden shouting;
“NEXT FIVE GO IN!”
After a few hours came my turn with some other four cons, first there was the “Shower daddy”, name Jamie, tall guy, 6’5, no one messed with him, but he messed with everyone, suprised he wasn’t shanked the first year he got in;
Then theres Ted, scumbag firm boss arrested for tax fraud, not the toughest guy in Barrings, nor the smartest, the reason he was still breathing is due to the connection with other daddies like Jamie, pathetic guy;
Now theres Crackpipe, based on his name I bet you can already assume something about him based on his nickname, he was the pill popper, needle dealer, weed sneeler all at once always tripped out of his mind, I am convinced his brain was wayy to fried for even god to fix it;
And at last, is Oppie, this guy was a high tier scientists with some brains stuck in his skull, he was one of the inmates I actually liked, he had connections with all the good people, keeping him safe, I actually don’t even remember why he got in for.
So, we all walk in the shower room, even doe the room had only five shower heads it was actually a pretty spacious room, is almost like the architechts meant for the shower to have a lot of people but the Warden said;
“Nahh, fuck it!”
And as you can imagine with such a shithole as barrings, there was only one bar of soap, we had to take turns with it one by one, I am sorry, really disgusting;
Anyway so the bar goes to me first after some negotiating, everyone was spaced away from the showers and eachother for obvious reasons, but as I calmy shower after months, the soap bar trips out of my hand and it falls on the floor, yes.. I did it, I dropped the soap…
“Shit!”
I mumble as I look at the soap falling on the ground in the middle of the room, everybody in the room looks with shock, you see, in prisons like these, you bend over once you die, these are the rules, all I can do is stare in dissapointment at the fallen soap.
“You won’t pick that up?”
Jamie says with a smug on his face.
“Nah is all cool Jamie you can take my turn, is cool.”
His smug dissapears, just about now everybody realizes we are in a deathmatch, the first person that walks up to the soap and picks it up is gonna get murdered, somebody is eventually gonna do it first, and it sure as shit ain’t gonna be me!
We all just blankly stare at eachother, all of us naked and sweaty, until Oppie proposes an idea;
“Gentlemen, what if we vote on who should go and pick the bar up, as a bonus, who picks it up gets to keep the turn for himself!”
After about half a second the room already takes votes;
“Ted!
“Ted!”
“Ted!”
“Shit.” Ted mumbles to himself as he realizes his existence in the space-time continuum won’t last for long.
“Hey hey hey hey! Wait, why don’t we all go at the same time, can’t get evaporated when nobody is staying behind.”
Ted responds with a last ditch effort to try and save his print in the multiverse.
“No!”
Jamie responds with a straight and to the point answer.
“Huh?”
Ted hits back with confusion.
“Beacuse fuck you!”
“What? Well fuck you too then!”
“The fuk did you say to me boy?”
“And you know what Jamie? You can suck my dick!”
Ted says in the most bitch voice ever, clearly regretting his choice of words as he makes the most afraid facial expression immediately, we all just lay in shock once again, admiring the drama movie infront of us;
Jamie at this point attempts to menacingly walk towards poor puny Ted but gets held back by Oppie and Crackpipe.
Getting tired of this nonsense I whistle as loud as I can, stealing everyones attention;
“Gentlemen! Lets focus on this fuckin’ task at hand, we got a fuckin’ dropped fuckin’ soap and someone needs to fuckin’ pick it the fuckin’ up!”
“Well all voted little bitch so he better pick it up!”
Jamie angrily responds, pointing at Ted.
“Yeah the man- the mans right, Ted better pick it up- pick it up hehe”
Crackpipe responds tripped out of his guts.
“Well sorry Ted, you gotta do it!”
I respond, hoping to finally settle this argument, by now, the guards started banging on the door;
“Ey ladies get the fuck out already theres people that need the shower for actual cleaning purposes!”
After lots of pressure, Ted finally decides to accept his fate, he takes to steps shaking his whole body out, we all keep a good eye on Jamie for obvious reasons, Ted takes another step, making this splashing sound everytime he steps on the wet white tiles, he finally reaches the bar, having it to its feet, he sits still for a second, the bending over part was truly gonna decide if he would get buried by his family or not, he takes a deep breath and quickly picks up the bar, his face was so lightened up he looked like his wife gave birth to his first baby, he holds it in the air like he was holding a trophy
“Holy fuck guys, I did-“
Before Ted could finish the sentence, the soap bar he was holding up slips out of his hand and straight down his throat.