Consider this to be my confession. I failed at parenting even though I tried so hard.
Since my wife passed away it was only me and baby girl Rose. Yes, we’ve been through some hard times: junk food rented apartments, rats, and roaches around.
But somehow I managed to stand on my two and things went better. I treated her as the most important person in my life. Anything she wanted - I was there to provide. Dollhouses, dresses, sweets, and puppies - anything she asked for.
But things started to change as the teen years began. Rose became gloomy and depressive, avoiding me, and ignoring my questions.
I tried to figure it out. I did. Hundreds of times I tried to sit down and talk to her, asking what was wrong and what I could do to improve her life. She sat across the room, not even looking at me. As if I was an empty spot, producing noise that annoyed her.
My friends said that it’s ok. It’s just a phase and she’ll be alright. But I, as a father, couldn’t just leave it like that. I decided to act and gave her everything I thought would make her happy: the largest flatscreen I could find, the latest phone model, expensive make-up and clothes. She left everything unpacked. The boxes were moved to the corner of her room, untouched.
That got right in the feelings. It couldn’t continue like that, so I decided to switch my approach.
“Young lady, you’re getting grounded. No sweets, no phone, no nothing. I won’t accept such behavior under my roof. Have some respect for your father!” - I said to her one day.
She argued with me, and we shouted at each other for an hour or so. Some shots were fired.
She said that she never asked to be born in the first place. I said that she is not making my life easier. She called me a monster, I called her ungrateful. I didn’t think straight, that’s my mistake, I agree.
We didn’t speak to each other for a week. I just kept doing what I had to - providing a roof and hot food for the ignorant child she was.
Soon enough her mood changed and she started to ask: “Can I go outside and see other girls, please?”.
But I made a second mistake and decided to push further to prove my point and discipline her: “No, Rose. You’re grounded. And you know why, don’t you?”.
She was furious. She screamed at me saying that she hates me and her life. I shouted back stating that it’s the best she can have while she lives here, so she’d better deal with that. Our battle continued.
Her 16th birthday was coming up and I was looking forward to it. I hoped that this date would take all the negativity away and on this special day - we’ll understand each other.
Rose was not as excited as I was. Three days to it she threw a plate at me, repeating how she hates me as I walked into her room. She said that she would rather be dead than continue living like this.
I was in grief… My own child. Words like that hit harder than bullets. I wish nobody experienced that ever.
Hormones are turning our kids into monsters. And we were never taught how to deal with monsters.
But the day has come and my heart was full of hope for her Sweet 16. I picked up the present from the closet and went to her room. The beautiful white dress. Her mother always wanted to see her wearing it.
“Rose, honey! Are you awake already” - I asked opening the door. My voice trembling, as I was about to present her the family heirloom.
The package fell out of my hands and hit the ground. I didn’t even realize that until later. Tears flooded instantly and my whole being collapsed into a single dot of despair, pity, and sorrow.
There she was - lying on her bed, breathless. Blood covering the sheets dried already. I couldn’t imagine this in the most horrible nightmare. My baby, my flesh and blood decided to end it all in such a gruesome way. And I did everything for her. EVERYTHING!
All the dolls, all the gadgets, all the kind words, and support. I even decorated her shackles with Hello Kitty stickers, just as she asked. What am I going to do now?
And as I stood there, in the middle of the basement a thought I kept avoiding became too intense.
The sacrifice should have been made today, and my Lamb betrayed me, even though we had a deal… What do I do? I don’t think He will be satisfied with my excuses and explanations and would expect me to take her place. I am a coward to take my life, but thoughts of other options fill me with a primal fear. I think He’ll be coming for me tonight…