I was falling in love with a girl, and I feel strongly that she was starting to feel the same way. She needed a place to stay and moved in, but when she did, a cascade of horrible events started to occur. I never felt I could use them as an “excuse” or explanation, because she was as much a part of many of them as I was. A couple of my childhood friends sexually assaulted her, and therefore I felt if I told her how badly it messed me up, as sexual assault does, especially towards somebody I loved, well, the sexual assault happened to her, so how can I say it messed me up more?But some of it was isolated. I also broke it off with a girl, who dropped off all social media and stopped responding to anything, and knowing her, I thought she’d killed herself. I’d brought suicidal thoughts to a close friend, and him simply giving me a pill of Adderall and telling me “you have a heart condition, you have suicidal thoughts, I’ll just see which one you’re serious about” only to tell me weeks later he gave me too much on purpose, and if I was going to take it, to break it in half or it could kill me because I have a heart condition. Or running to my parents thereafter and finding in that worst of times that they don’t want me in the family.
After all of this happened, I drank. It felt like a montage. I would become conscious for a split second, only to be blacked out again, and it happened for 3 days. On the last day, the friend who’d tempted my suicidal thoughts finally came to help me. When my friend/roomate walked in, the last friend I felt close to and had feelings for, she said “how long is he going to be like this? I don’t care if he’s okay, I care if he can pay the rent” and something inside of me snapped. I started to throw one of the beer bottles next to me in a sudden blacked out state, but came to midway through and dropped it in front of her feet.
She never got past this and admitted she may never be able to. But since then, the trust had been broken in a way I could never imagine.
She was moving out, to another state, and not only refused to tell me, but she told me she could help me buy a car, couch cushions (I had left my couch cushions in a car I totaled while this was all happening) and pushed me to buy anything else on my mind, while telling me she was going to stay. I had to find out by waking up to her talking about it to our roommate, which supposedly hated her, but talked to her like they were old buddies about where they were both moving to while they thought I was out. Before all of this had happened, I told her I was bi, and after, she would invite me to pride, and after it was over, I woke up to her talking to people on the phone about how I was “clearly not bi, there’s not a gay bone in his body” which isn’t true, and constantly slandering me for no reason at all. She didn’t even believe I could be extroverted, simply because, when you lose all of your friends and family, and feel betrayed deeply by the person you love, I’d feel it’s normal to go quiet for a couple of months, as I did.
But even when she moved away, she called me her best friend, and said she’d want to move back in with me, which I can now only wonder if it’s her wanting to financially ruin me further, as a mutual friend of ours offered me to stay with them for much cheaper, and so she announced it immediately after. I’ve already signed the lease after what she said. but when she visited, we hung out for a couple of the days she was here and she had another person listed as her best friend, but made up some excuse like “Oh I didn’t know what to call her so I just called her that”. Admittedly, they used to be best friends years ago, but at this point I cannot trust it. Especially because, trying to even get a text back from her has been like pulling teeth, and I’ve walked in on them calling each other (she hasn’t called me in 6 months) and her saying “hang on I’ll call you back soon” when she gave an excuse to me that she was too busy, which makes me wonder if her claiming to come back is just because she knew I would sign a $2k lease for the offchance she would move back in, which I did. I’m confused. I don’t know what to believe after so much lying, which she does because she feels I’m lying about stuff I’m not lying about. Ever since I threw a bottle below her feet, I can never bring myself to blame her for her actions. I’ve never been guilty of something like that, so I can only guage it in the worst possible light.
But I’ve seen how destructive she can be. She’s prone to both never believing a friend for arbitrary reasons, such as claiming a dude isn’t straight because he doesn’t want to fuck the first random girl he doesn’t even know to walk up to him and demand he fuck, to her trying to hurt her best friend by fucking their ex simply to try to mess with their emotions because they didn’t want to be friends anymore. But I have no one left, and she’s meant the world to me, also helped out when I was at some of my lowest points and tried to talk me through it, and I can’t help but think about the fact that she moved in at the exact moment I started going through so much trauma, losing everybody and being betrayed by the only people who were left, only to hurt her in the end. But I don’t know if she’s only sticking around to ruin my life as much as she can or if I’m just spiraling in my head. At one point she was the nicest, most caring person I’d met, and after I’d betrayed her, she became the most vindictive.
I wake up every morning okay for a second, in my dreamy state, and then remember who I am and what I did, and immediately hate myself and feel a bitter, depressed mood for it, even though it’s been over a year now. I just can’t get past it, mainly because, if we’re not friends, she will not tell me that, only take the opportunity to mess with me further if that’s what she’s doing. And I don’t know if that’s what she’s doing, for sure. I’ve had so many nightmares about it and at this point just felt I needed to get it off of my chest.