I really need to get this off my chest and I need advice. I am a 17 years old girl and I cannot wrap my head around love (both family relationships and romantic relationships). I honestly have struggled with the emotions love makes me my entire life. When I was around 7 I remember my mum sitting in the bathroom with me as I sat in the bath and I said to her ‘I don’t think I really love you’ which is crazy to me because I do love her so much, but I also don’t love her at all?
I recently started dating my best friend. I adore her so much. Our relationship feels so ‘normal’ you know, like not forced or anything and she always makes me happy and laugh. But a couple days ago we were chilling watching tv and the thought of ‘you don’t really love her though. if she had to go to her home town tomorrow you wouldn’t even care’ floods into my brain??? Because again, just like my mother, I do adore her so much, but I doubt my love.
I have struggled with parents, they have shown me so much love but I would definitely say we have an interesting relationship. Both my mother and father argued a lot since I was young. Although I grew up in a loving household, I would definitely say I experienced a lot of things that a child shouldn’t have. My mum screamed and shouted at my dad, who at that time was a heavy alcoholic. Occasionally there was hitting. They never got divorced though and it was just a dark time in life which has now healed. things are definitely not at all what they were like before. Although this happened we were and still are a close family and my mum, who although has anger issues and who struggles with controlling her anger (shouts at me and my dad), has always loved me so so much throughout my life and has been genuinely kind. We are close and communicate almost everything to each other.
Maybe im reading too much into it but I used to be very physically loving and touchy. I will happily hold hands with new friends or tell them I love them which usually takes time for people. I could so easily love bomb people. But it meant nothing?? every sign of affection was just an act almost.
I feel like sometimes I maybe don’t feel love the way others do. My whole relationship with love is so confusing to me, it feels alien almost. It’s like love is a complicated network of wires, but a wire is missing for me. Everything is there except one bit. I wish someone could crawl into my brain and get what im saying. I love my friends and i love my family but my love does not feel like real love. How can I have so much love for people around me in my life I appreciate yet also not feel it for them at the same time? I wish I could put my finger on it. I have aways wondered if im on the spectrum because I have always felt so different. but maybe it isn’t that. I don’t know. even if I will never in a million years figure this out at least I can get it off my chest. thank u :)