It happened not long after I left the relative familiarity of a stretch of unending highway. Where I was and where I was heading seem like such inconsequential details in the aftermath of what unfolded. Suffice to say I was on a road trip that took me through one of the most remote places of the country.
While traveling through these barren stretches of open fields and little else I had relaxed into a cerebral haze, a highway hypnosis that was penetrated only by the illuminated dashboard light for low fuel that finally caught my eye.
The situation quickly turned from one of mind-numbing boredom to mild stress. How long had it been on? How many signs had I passed warning me that it was the last exit for “X” amount of miles? I cursed, scanning the horizon for any trace of civilization. To my dismay there was nothing. All I could do was grit my teeth and hope.
Now, this was before everyone had a GPS in their pocket. I had been relying heavily on folded road maps to get me this far. So when the rusted sign appeared it was like a beacon from a lighthouse, the promise of a service station at the next exit made me exhale a long-held anxious breath. A few miles later I pulled off, riding high on my good fortune.
It was apparent that the gas station in question was not going to be a well known one. It would probably be some mom and pop store that had one pump and also sold hardware or groceries or something. And as such, there was no obvious sign to point me to it. At the end of the exit ramp I had a choice to make. Should I go right or left?
There were no discernible clues, a glance in either direction only showed me more farmland and the dilapidated remains of barns from the century before. I decided to go right, hoping that I would come across someone I could ask for directions.
I drove for miles, sweating the entire way. How had I not seen anyone for this long? No stores, no houses, no other vehicles. It didn’t seem possible. Eventually I began to doubt my choice in direction and pulled onto the shoulder, trying to calculate my next move. If anything it seemed like I was getting farther into no-man’s land, so I made the decision to turn back toward the exit and continue on in the other direction.
The minutes dragged on and on. Something felt off. For the amount of time I had been driving I should have been able to find the highway again. Had I missed it somehow? That would be nearly impossible, I’d only made one turn. By now the stress I had felt initially was replaced by a creeping dread, the kind that threatens to climb its way out of your chest into your throat and morph into panic.
It took me a while to notice; the monotony of this place undoubtedly lent a hand to me looking past it for so long, but it finally registered that I had been passing the same things over and over: Tall grass. Abandoned tractor. Train tracks. Barn with collapsed roof. Even the cloud patterns repeated. It was like I was driving alongside the backdrop to an old movie.
By then fear had seized my entire body. This had gone far beyond running out of fuel, now I worried for my very sanity. I pulled a hasty U-turn, using the empty field as an extra lane.
“Come on, come on!” I growled to no one in particular, shifting gears and putting the pedal to the floor. Same scenery. Over and over. Grass. Tractor. Barn. Clouds. Repeat. The needle had dropped well below “E” on the dash by then. Frustrated tears began to leak from my eyes, my breathing sharp and painful.
With my vision blurring, I almost didn’t see it coming, and who knows what would have happened had I missed that stop sign. But there it was, at the top of a steep incline. I braked hard, the impossibility before me shattering my mind as I skidded to a halt.
“What the…?” I gasped, trying to make sense of it. Beyond the hill there was… simply nothing- a blank white canvas of infinite dimensions, as if the world met with oblivion at that very intersection.
My jaw hung open in awe. I was terrified, yet oddly compelled to take it in. My hands were barely able to function as frightened paddles while I attempted to pry the keys from the ignition. On unsteady legs I exited the vehicle and crept closer to the edge, expecting to jerk awake with each step I took.
Was that it? Had I fallen asleep behind the wheel and swerved into a semi? Was this some sort of coma-induced nightmare? No… Somehow I knew it was real. I was too keenly aware of my surroundings- the sights, smells, tastes- but just to be sure I gave myself a hard slap to the face. Yes, this was real, it stung like hell. I was awake, or at least as awake as I’d ever been.
The closer I got, the more I realized that what I had first mistaken for a solid wall of white was something more… aqueous. It gave the illusion of solidity, like the surface of still water viewed at a distance, but every now and then a ripple would run through it, and for a moment I could see shapes behind it, like shadows dancing in the light of a flame.
I knew better than to make contact with it, but a pang of curiosity inside me made it difficult to turn away. It felt magnetic, like it was pulling me toward it. Enticing. But I knew better.
I sprinted back to my car and fell against it, still keeping my eyes on the white wall of infinity.
“What is happening? What is this?” I mumbled to myself, my head in my hands. Every instinct told me to get back in the car, to drive as fast as I could in the other direction, but some other part of me knew it would be useless. Somehow I knew that no matter where I went, it would follow, that it would be there at every turn, forcing me to face it.
He-llo
No… The voice had come from the other side. It was distorted, like someone trying to speak through the revolving blades of a fan. I inched back, steadying myself against the door frame.
Hello?
It called again, this time louder, the voice taking on a more human quality.
“Hello?”
It was a real voice. It sounded like a real person now. Not only that, it sounded like someone I knew very well.
“Marshall, is that you?”
My knees nearly gave out when she called my name.
“B-Bev?” I choked out, still keeping my distance.
“Marshall, are you there?”
A large ripple passed through the barrier. I could vaguely make out her figure pressed against the wall, stretching it forward before disappearing into the shadows again. I couldn’t help myself, I inched forward while still doubting my eyes and ears and sanity. Because it was all impossible, there was no one way that it could really be her. I knew better.
“Bev? I’m… I’m here…” I finally spoke, my voice wavering uncontrollably.
She pressed herself to the surface again. With every step closer the veil became easier to see through. First it was a wall, then a mist, and finally an almost transparent bubble.
It was really her. Inarguably, undeniably. She was there, trapped on the other side somehow. I was close enough now that I could reach out and touch her. My fingers were nearly to her when she stopped me.
“Don’t.” Her voice was severe, her eyes conveying her warning, “You can’t.”
I froze, inches away from the woman I loved.
“How do I- How do I get you out?” I asked, desperate. Her smile was sympathetic, understanding.
“You don’t.”
I shook my head, my eyes streaming. How long had it been? Years, weeks, days? For some reason I couldn’t remember, in that moment it felt like an eternity had passed since the last time I’d seen her. And here she was, so close, within reach. The impossibility of the situation was lost on me, I needed to get to her.
“Bev, please, there has to be a way to get you out, there has to!”
“No, Marshall,” she said, shaking her head, “This is where I belong… You know that.”
I did, intrinsically I felt it. But I was this close to her. How could I let her go? Not now, not again.
“Then I’m… I’m coming to you! I don’t care, I can’t go another day without you!” I declared. Beverly let her angelic face slip into a sad frown.
“Do you think I don’t know why you took this trip, Marshall? Do you think that I don’t know what you planned on doing once you got to your destination?” she whispered, her hands just centimeters from mine.
My eyes flooded, the hot moisture ran down my cheeks in streams. I thought to the gun I had in the trunk and the bottle of pills stashed inside my duffel bag. It was true, the destination I had in mind was the last place I planned to ever be seen alive- the very place where she had died, so far from me, so far from the life we’d shared. I fell to my knees, pleading with her.
“Please, Bev! Tell me you understand! Tell me! I can’t go on, I miss you so much! Please! I’m sorry, I-I should have been there! I should have never told you to leave! I was wrong, I was wrong! Fuck! Why? Why?” I sobbed, my body convulsing at her feet. She watched me silently as I writhed, patiently waiting in the minutes it took for me to regain my composure before she spoke again.
“Marshall… Listen to me…” she said, stooping down to my level, still just out of reach, “Life is precious. No matter how much it hurts right now, it’s a gift. You might not realize it now, but you will. Believe me. I’ve seen all that your life will become, and you have no idea just how much you have left to fulfill.”
The smile returned to her face, causing a sudden warmth to spread through my bones.
“Bev…” I stammered, struggling to find the words I wanted to say. But she held a finger to her lips, her smile still intact.
“Shhhh… Marshall, it’s okay. I promise you’ll see me again someday. But you have to promise me something too, okay?”
All I could do was nod my head.
“Don’t come looking for me this way again. Please. Will you promise me that?”
“I-I promise,” I sobbed, wishing more than anything that I could stay trapped in her radiant eyes forever.
“Good… Now go home, Marshall. And remember…”
Her words lingered in the air as she began backing away. The mist engulfed her, pulled her back into the shadows. The vast wall of white began to shrink, folding into itself endlessly- melting away, condensing until it was revealed that the gas station I had been searching for had been on the other side all along.
By then the void that stretched across the horizon had shrunk down to little more than a single, pearly bubble. It floated toward me on the summer breeze before bursting beside my ear. As it did, I heard her whisper:
”…I’m always with you…”