The future is looking bright, or at least I thought so. But before that, let me tell you how it began. Twenty three years ago, at this exact day, I was graduating medical school and was on my path to becoming a cardiothoracic surgeon. My dream was finally becoming true, but little did I know this would change my life forever.
As a resident surgeon I was just observing the surgeries, taking notes, trying to learn as much as I can. The first one, I still remember it clearly as it has happened 5 minutes ago. 22 years old, female, non smoker, normal weight, suffered a heart failure. Her luck was that it happened on the street, right before reaching home, where she was living alone. Fortunately, she made a full recovery.
The time has passed, and I got my medic title. I started to perform my own surgeries, and I was very good at it. I became a famous doctor only 3 years after my first surgery. People all over the country we’re making appointments to me, and by that time, I managed to save everyone who reached my surgery table. It was incredible, everyone was astonished, including me. However, something terrible was about to happen.
It was a Tuesday morning, 5 February 2013, 07:12 AM, the day that changed my life. I was having coffee in my cabinet when one of the nurses bursts through my door and tells me to present urgently in room 6 for a very urgent case. As I walk to the surgery room I check the details : 47, Male, heart failure, found in Central Park lying in the grass by some people walking by. I equip myself, sterilize, and enter the room. The man was lying on the table, unconscious.
“Has the anesthetic been injected ?” I asked while one the nurses helped me with the gloves.
“Yes, injected 150 seconds ago, he is ready” The anesthesiologist answered.
Every time before starting the surgery, I would have took 5 seconds to visualize the procedure from beginning to the end in my mind, for each specific case, and then I would have just done the job, perfectly. But this time was different, I couldn’t. It was like something was blocking my mind. I started the procedure, everything went as planned, and the surgery was called a success. For a little while at least. Right before I gave the call to take him in intensive care, his heartbeat spiked to 160 bpm, then 170, now hitting 200, then stopped.
“Prepare the defibrillator” – I shouted to one of the nurses in the room. He started convulsing at this moment, and I knew that I had just moments to stabilize him.
“Charged” – she answered.
I tried once, twice, increased the voltage, third time, forth time, but nothing. I had to declare the decease of the patient. And then, a feeling that I’ve never felt before, hit me. I couldn’t tell you what I felt, there is no word existing to describe that feeling, I can only say that it was a feeling of terror, followed by a deep sadness, and in the end I felt relieved. I didn’t understood what happened wrong, I did everything perfectly, as always, and still I lost my patient. And besides that, more important, I could understand the terror and the sadness I felt, but why it was followed by a felling of being relieved ? What was wrong with me ?
“Has anyone checked him for any belongings so we can identify him ?” – I asked.
“Not yet, we prioritized the preparation for the surgery until you came” a nurse replied.
“Ok, I will do it. Everyone, please clear the room for a minute, I need some time alone” – I told my colleagues, I wanted to be alone for a minute after I just lost my first patience. I needed to be alone with him for a little while.
I decided to announce his family personally, it was the least I could do. Since he has been brought as a urgency, he still had his pants. While I approached him, I saw that his face looked as in his was in peace. I looked in his pockets for a wallet in search for an ID. In his left pocket, I found the wallet and a pocket watch. I opened his wallet and found out that his name was Robert Fir, DOB 27 January 1975. My whole body froze for a moment, that was my name, and my date of birth.
What is happening, am I going crazy ? I thought to myself, my mind trying to process what I’ve just seen.
I looked again at him, but he didn’t looked like me at all.
Just a crazy coincidence, nothing more, I am not the only with that name for sure, and yea the same date of birth makes it scary, but I guess that’s what it is. – I convinced myself, and flipped the id to the back. I looked more in the wallet and found a business card.
Robert Fir
Phone Number [ REDACTED ]
robert.fir@clevelandclinic2.com
Cardiothoracic surgeon
I grabbed my phone and called the number. It immediately hang up. I tried again, same thing. I sent a text message “Please call me back as soon as you see this”
*beep*
A message came back on my phone, from the same number. I opened it and my heart sank, it said :
“Please call me back as soon as you see this”
It was actually my number which I tried to call, but my mind being baffled I didn’t even realized it at first.
What the hell is happening ? Is my mind playing tricks on me ? Is this the shock because I haven’t managed to save him and now I’m seeing things ?
I took the pocket watch. It was an old, brown watch, which looked like it was very old. I opened it and saw, graved a list of instructions. They said :
I heard a knocking on the door, followed by one of the nurses calling me. I closed the watch, put it in my pocket, along with the ID and the business card. I got out the surgery room and the nurse looked like was waiting for any updates.
“I haven’t found anything that could identify him. Only an empty wallet, we should call the police” I said, panicked that she might have seen through the window me hiding his belongings.
“They have already been informed. Will send a crew on the morgue” she replied, looking worried at me. “Are you ok?” she continued “I can imagine how tough should be for you, for loosing a patient, especially that it’s the first time it happens to you, but I’m sure the autopsy will reveal that you have done everything alright, and it’s not your fault”
“Thank Maria. No, I’m not ok, but my shift is over now, so I’ll go home and try to calm down. Do you need an” But before I could finish, the hall doors burst open, personnel rushing a stretcher with a female on it. She looked unconscious.
“Doctor Robert, room 7, she needs surgery right now” one of the paramedics shouted at me. I was already in a very bad mental shape, and minutes earlier I lost my first patient. I was afraid, afraid to go in the room, afraid to perform the surgery, afraid to lose this girl too. But on the other hand, my replacement has just arrived, and he needs at least 5 minutes to prepare, this time frame could be the difference between life and death.”
“I’ll be there in 1 minute” I said, and rushed to sterilize while Maria has prepared for me the new equipment, gloves, mask, surgical gown.
I geared up, and enter the room, performed the surgery and this time everything was alright. The girl remained stable, has been placed in intensive care for recovery, and she woke up with no other complications on the way. I sat there with her until she woke up, after what happened before, I just couldn’t leave her.
Partially relieved, I left the hospital and drove home. I was so exhausted, so baffled, so fearful that I’m loosing my mind, I just wanted some rest, and think clear after I wake up. I got home, parked my card, and grabbed my keys to open the door. While doing this, I felt the watch in my pocket. I entered the house, sat myself on the couch, and got the pocket watch out.
I inspected it carefully but nothing out of the ordinary, it was just a normal watch with some weird notes on it. “It should be a gift with an inside joke or something” I thought my self. I was so tired, I barely could keep my eyes open. It displayed 5:24 PM, although it was 23:41 according to my phone. I decided to fix the time on the watch. I pulled out the winder and rolled it to 23:41, put the watch back in my pocket, leaned on the couch, and falling asleep immediately.
A freezing cold woke me and I found myself in a pitch black, outside somewhere. The window was blowing so hard that I barely could keep my eyes open. My head hurt so much, that when I tried go get up in my feet it felt like a sword piercing through my skull making me fall on back. The sound of an incredible amount of rocks falling over a mountain surrounded me, and then a screeching sound like tiers breaking but incredibly loud appeared.
I tried to get up once more, and managed this time. The cold was getting colder, and the sounds getting louder, and I ran. I just ran in the first direction I felt it was right, praying that I won’t hit a tree or fall of a cliff. It felt like I was in a forest, by the sound of dead leaves and branches I was stepping on. A rock of the size of a tennis ball fell at my feet, but not before hitting my left arm. It hurt, it hurt so bad, but I had to keep going. More rocks started falling in my direction, but somehow I managed not get hit again, and then, my darkness adapting eyes noticed a cave, around 20 meters in front of me. I decided to head for the cave and when I was around 10 meters away from it, a woman in a white wedding dress with long dark hair, and dark eyes appeared just in front of me. She was glowing in the dark, just like the moon at night. She was looking down, not moving an inch, just standing there, and in a second she got her head up, fixed my eyes with a very angry look, her eyes reflected pure hatred towards me. In a second, she moved so fast in my direct, and went right through me. My heart almost stopped.
I looked behind, but nothing, no glowing light, no bride, nothing. I continued towards the cave, and reached it in a few seconds. The air felt wet and hard to breathe, with a moldy smell inside, but at least it kept me safe from the falling rocks. I explored the cave and it looked like it was around 2 meters long and 3 meters wide, big enough for me stay there until I understand what the hell is happening, and small enough so I won’t worry about something else coming for me from inside the cave.
I sat down, laid my back on the rock wall, and waited, just waited for anything to happen. It was way beyond my understanding, and there was nothing I could do about it. I closed my eyes for a second, and I started hearing kids laughing, it was like they we’re so happy, screaming, and laughing, and cheering.
“Daddy, where are you ?” A little boy said, with worry in his voice. “Daddy ? It’s getting dark and cold, where are you? He continued, his voice sounding way more scared now. “Daddy, I can’t see anything, it’s cold, and rocks are falling everywhere, please help me daddy”
I opened my eyes, and it suddenly stopped.
What is this place ? How is it doing this to me ? I asked myself.
Then I remembered about the watch. I checked my pocket and it was still there. I opened it, and it displayed 6:09 AM.
The rocks have stopped falling, and the light started appearing. I got myself up and slowly walk to the entrance of the cave to observe my surroundings.
I was in a forest, surrounded by mountains, with no visible path to leave it. It was a bowl shaped forest, and I was on the bottom of the bowl. Enormous trees we’re everywhere, and I walked outside of the cave. Everything was calm now, and I started exploring around, to find myself a possible way out of that place.
I walked around and saw a tremendous big tree, looked like it was at least one thousand years old, still healthy, with the most beautiful green shaded leaves I’ve ever seen. The leaves we’re big, and the branches so thick, that could be easily tree trunks of any normal tree I have ever seen before. It looked like it had easily 80 meters height, and when I got close, I’ve noticed it’s smell. It was smelling like something pure, a holy blessing of nature, nothing I have ever felt before or can compare to, it was beautiful.
I got in front of it, and observed it. It was captivating, and I felt a strong energy right there, a feeling of calm. I sat down, and leaned back to it.
The wind breeze was hitting my face, the sun was up by now, and all of the sudden everything turned to beautiful.
Two leaves fallen from the tree right at my feet. I looked at them, and noticed something strange. I took the leaves in my hand and noticed that they looked like hugging each other. It couldn’t be a coincidence, it was a message for me, but what ?
Then my mind reminded what my father used to tell me when I was a kid.
“Kiddo, when you’re having a bad day, hug a tree, all the stress and sadness will be gone, and you will feel better”
And so I did, I got up into my feet, opened my arm as wide as possible and gave a hug to the tree.
Nothing, absolutely nothing different, and then a lighting strike hit in my years and lost total control of my body and mind.
I was in the park, on a bank reading a newspaper. It was a beautiful day, the park was absolutely filled with what looked like happy families, parents playing with their kids, couples holding hand having a walk, some old men laughing while playing a game of chess, dogs running around after sticks.
While I tried to turn my head around, my vision blurred, and found myself in a school room, filled with parents and a teacher talking.
“… and besides all of that, he is very good at math as well Mr Robert, he’s got all A’s. You should be very proud of your son” The teach said while looking at me. “Now, let’s continue with Daniel Kane. Mr Kane, your son..”
The vision blurred again, and found myself in a court room. I was standing in my feet, right in front of the court room, and a man was by my side. A woman’s cries sounded from behind, and the judges hammer sounded loud :
“Case 29141 / 2013 the court finds the defendant Robert Fir in the malpractice case, not guilty.”
The woman’s cries being to hear even louder, and the man who was standing near me made a relief sigh and shook my hand.
My vision changed again, and found myself in a fancy restaurant on a table of two, but I was alone. Just a few second later, a girl appeared from behind.
“This is the best date I have ever had, just wanted to tell you thank. Oh and, I hope I didn’t missed for long, the girls bathroom was full.” My eyes couldn’t believe what they saw, it was Alina, the girl I just performed surgery on.
I looked down on the table and saw in front of me a plate with a beef steak. When I got my eyes back, I found myself laying in a bed, in my pajamas. My body felt completely different now, my muscles we’re hurting while moving. I looked at my hands and looked like I was old. On my neck was the pocket watch, and I had a paper with something written in my hands. It said :
“ 5 February 2013. This is the date you made your first mistake on a surgery. Even if the malpractice case proved that you are innocent, you weren’t and let me tell you why.
When you closed the heart, you didn’t stitched it properly, and a few minutes later it opened back. The defendant case said that it opened up due to the strong convulsions of the patient that made the stiches fall apart, but that’s not true. This mistake was predestined to happen, and you can’t over turn it. From there on, you continued your life, you got married with the Alina, the girl you saved afterwards, had two kids, a son Josh, and a daughter Andreea.
But, it wasn’t always like that. On the first 5 February 2013 you we’re in your office, and got called for a urgent surgery, the patient was a female, 26 years old, heart failure. You performed the surgery, and when you had to close the heart you got distracted, the stiches we’re not correctly applied, and few minutes later, she died. She was your first victim. You we’re so devastated that you quitted being a doctor. 38 years later, you found a pocket watch buried beyond a tree. You spent days obsessed with it, thinking of how to prevent the accident from happening, and you have taken into consideration all risks. One day, you decided to go back on 5 February, just one hour before the accident, however you took 20 pills with you that will make your heart fail, and be the patient you will fail.
Even if you jumped in time, you only teleported to an older age, which means that the young you is still in 2013, living his life, not knowing anything about this.
I have confidence in you that you will also do the right thing, and pay for your mistakes“
I blacked out, and woke up on a couch. It was my couch, on which I previously fall asleep.
“What a weird dream” I said, talking to myself. It was morning already.
I got up and headed to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Put some eggs to boil and walked outside to get the newspaper. Went back inside, fixed the rest of the breakfast and sat on the table, eating and reading the news.
“Cristiano Ronaldo finally revealed his marvel diet” Meh, not interesting, I thought to myself and skipped to the next one.
“Netflix is planning to extend it’s platform to Europe, this are the first countries the platform will be available in” Ok, sure, whatever.
“Global warming is becoming more threatening, the following factors could determine where we heading in”
I glanced around the rest of the newspaper, and still nothing I didn’t knew already or interesting enough for me to make me read after that rough nightmare I had. But, I was glad it was only a nightmare, and everything is fine.
I went to take a shower, dress myself and prepared for a new day at work. I looked at the watch and it was still to early to leave now, so I decided to relax for 30 minutes more. I sat on the couch and opened the TV. It opened on a new channel. The first thing I see on the news :
“26 years old female named Alina Grey died after a heart surgery. Doctor Robert Fir investigated for malpractice”
My heart sank as I realized that everything was actually real. My mind froze when I understood that this was actually a loop, and I wasn’t the first version of me trying to stop this.
As I’m writing these final words to you, I’m watching a beautiful sunset, with 730 ml of waters next to me, and a bottle containing 20 pills. I’m making peace with my last minutes of life, for you to life the life I never did. Whatever you do, don’t use the watch folded in this letter, go to a tree, and burry it beyond it’s roots.