The being before me was the most beautiful specimen I’ve ever laid eyes on. One couldn’t tell whether it was a male or female, it’s features were near perfection. Eyes whirlpools of emeralds. The voice angelic as it echoed through my head “What brings you here…. Marcus”, it smiled, rows of white teeth peeking through its mouth. I was in awe, but my reason for summoning it, for being in its presence urged me on “I heard from someone that you’re capable of taking things. Any thing” my palms were sweating. This is stupid, I thought to myself yet I had to have hope.
The more I stared at it the more radiant it got, encasing me in its glamor. I couldn’t believe the ritual worked. I shifted my gaze from its eyes to avoid being lost in their magnificence “Yes, I am capable. This smile was from someone who did not want it anymore. Eyes, voice. Seeing you summoned me you must know all this. The body, I constructed from different humans. I like to be straightforward with whom I deal with. I-“
I interjected “I know. I want you to take my feelings. I don’t want to feel I want to be a void a void of emptiness. I’ve been hurt I hurt myself by thinking about the hurt I’ve been through I’m tired. I am tired”, The being chuckled “Ohh. Usually people come to me with different offers, maybe an extra testicle a kidney. But never this. I’m interested” it responded my hand was now clutching my chest.
Slow deep breaths pushing through my nostrils, lately I’ve been feeling like I’m in the middle of a tonado of different feelings and thoughts “Why wasn’t I enough for her? Why can’t I be good enough for my father? Why can’t make something out of myself. Everything I touch turns to dust, it decays in my care. Maybe I am a curse. Why am I alive.” all these thoughts were interrupted by a calm hand placed on my shoulder. I felt all the worry wash away from me, my shadow stretching and merging with it’s own. Total silence engulfed the place, it snapped it’s fingers and exhaled I stood up to leave, the being before me gave me a curious look before smiling and waving as I walked away.
From then on, I was auto pilot. My thoughts clear, bargage gone. I was invincible. Day in day out I’d live like a robot. Confidence spiked through the roof. Focusing on what was on my mind at that time. Things went smoothly, until one day, the being. No, the man came crashing onto me. Looking dishevelled, eyes devoid of all it’s magnificence. He wore raggedy clothes, no longer the perfect specimen he was cut out to be, no longer the majestic being I gave my feelings to. “You, you, you. What-wha. Please please take them back. Take them back!” he pleaded, holding tightly onto my collar as I tried to push him away.
“I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want it. No, no. I don’t want to feel like this” I looked at him dead in the eye, a smile slowly creeping on my face “You’re a taker, not a giver. You bit more than you can swallow or you bit more than you can chew, same thing. You can not gift a gift can you?” The man’s eyes widened “I beg of you. I don’t want to, I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to feel like a failure, I don’t want to self sabotage!!! HOW DID YOU LIVE WITH SO MUCH SELF LOATHING?!” he yelled while I yanked him off me. “This, this is my punishment. I can not die. I tried, I tried since I’m an immortal I tried yet I can’t stay dead. Why, why did you do this ?! I am a benevolent being a superior entity now I feel fear I feel sadness I CRY until my eyes dry. “ he was crying, rocking back and forth with his knees on his chin and arms wrapped around his legs.
I scoffed, staring down at this pathetic person before me “I pondered, I pondered long and hard before coming to you before summoning you to our world. I came to a conclusion ‘Brains are tricky, they’re designed to torment the owners. Just think, Why is it so easy to delete every happy thought yet the bad ones remain. Why is it so easy to forget happiness but remember pain. Up until we met. I’ve never had a random happy memory pop up yet the bad ones, the painful ones just pop up like HEY REMEMBER ME!. Every weird cringey thing you’ve buried deep down can surface out of the blue. A smell of perfume, a song can mess you up and open the can of worms. Little things can trigger anxiety, mental breakdown’ when I read that there’s a being capable of taking any thing any thing from a smile to a thought I knew I had to do something.”
The man cried, wailing” I don’t want to. I don’t want to live like this. You, you tricked me. You gave me your feelings not just feelings of a human but explicitly yours. You carried this, all this sorrow barrowing deep inside your heart it hurt to even think. You were already dead on the inside”. Poking his finger at me, I let out a chuckle “Smart. I suggest you RUN”. The man rose to his feet and staggered a few steps before turning tail.
Turns out my feelings were too much for him to handle. The world is clearer now. Without feelings you don’t get hurt. Do I miss feeling? I don’t miss anything. I just go with the flow. This is me.