I got sucked into the Void - and I almost lost my mind
I have always questioned existence and reality, and I mean always since I was a kid. To me no explanation about how everything came to be made sense, in religion you read about God creating everything in 7 days, scientists theorise about the big bag and everything coming into existence because of it and because of some bunch of accidents that occurred.
Now all of these could be viable if they complimented each other and they could actually explain where the matter came from for the Big Bang to happen in the first place, but nonetheless they can’t.
To the outside world I’ve always been weird and I’ve never really fitted in, and honestly I am fine with that, to some of you reading I might even appear as insane, I honestly don’t care, I’ve been called insane many times in my life, and people that I have discussed my questions and fascinating with existence with have actually dragged me to shrinks who tried to get me locked away. Oh well, I guess all of this that I am about to tell you won’t make sense.
But now that I have given you an idea of just how weird I am, now I can get to the point.
So I have always had questions about life and even existence itself. To me the fact that everything exists didn’t make sense, I never cared much for Physics or the laws of physics as the laws of physics and the theories are still bound to human understanding, which is partially limited to the individuals willingness to question their own existence and also limited to their own imagination. Are you still with me?
Well good, I haven’t confused you completely.
So in my “insane” mind the only logical understanding has always been that logically and scientifically nothing should exist, existence in itself breaks the laws of physics and reality, as existence is actually impossible, nothing should exist, we shouldn’t exist. The fact that you exist and you are reading this right now goes against the laws of reality.
Let me rephrase that, existence is impossible, which means if everything exist and yet at the same time nothing actual exists it means that we are not real and yet here we are, so I’ve spend a lot of time in my meditation trying to understand existence and the true reality where existence is impossible, trying to experience that reality, the reality where no “accident” happened and nothing came to be, that’s when it happened.
Now it was a nice sunny afternoon, as sunny as it gets here where I live, and I was sitting outside in the garden doing my usual meditation trying to understand existence without the influence of religion or scientists.
While sitting there I suddenly started feeling a bit light headed, but at the same time like I was floating and yet falling, so I got up, left my meditation and went to the bathroom to splash water on my face, but as I got to the basin and tried to open the tap my hand went right through the tap, almost like it wasn’t there, then I looked in the mirror and saw my reflection, well what was left of my reflection, I was fading out, blending in with the air around me. I started feeling more nauseous as my stomach formed a knot and I could feel my heart beating louder, almost jumping out of my chest, I started hyper ventilating. “What the hell is happening” was all I could utter, but as I got back outside in the garden I got an even bigger shock, the garden was gone, the horizon cut off and the horizon was getting smaller and smaller and everything was slowly fading away.
Then there was nothing, I was in what I could only explain as a void, an eternity of nothingness, there was nothing, no light, no dark, no colours, it’s hard to describe in any language without sounding crazy. But it was just a void, devoid of everything, not air, not even a vacuum, no sound, that’s when I realized that not even my heart beat was audible, the void swallowed up every sound.
Then I realized, this is the true reality, the reality that should exist, just nothing, and eternity and infinity of nothingness.
I realized what happened to me, I’ve pulled myself away from my own reality and now I’m trapped in the void, that’s when my senses started playing tricks on me, there was no gravity, I was floating, yet at the same time falling, while also floating upwards, the void was devoid of all colours, yet it was made up of every colour you could imagine, even colours that the human eye shouldn’t be able to see. There was no sound, then suddenly the noice came to life, it was filled with every sound in existence, every sound you can imagine, but just much louder then my ears could handle, I tried to cover my ears, but my hands just passed through my head.
Then the lack of gravity switched to overwhelming gravity and I could feel as my body was getting crushed, but at the same time pulled apart, I could feel how my own molecules would scatter into the void and then come back together and form me again. The pain from everything from nothingness to everythingness back to nothingness and so it went on was driving me to lose my mind.
Was this hell? Or was this reality before our reality, if this was the true reality then what made our reality form and why? What’s keeping our reality together and stops it from falling apart back into this madness? This chaos?
Time didn’t exist there, there was no time, I don’t know how long I was there, it felt like an eternity, and eternity of pain, suffering, madness and insanity. It started as seconds, to minutes which turned to hours and to days, eventually days became weeks and weeks became months, months became years and years became decades which eventually became millennia of been driven insane, driven mad by the constant overwhelming emptiness and then the overwhelming everythingness, not once did it stop, not once could I cover my eyes or my ears, there was nothing to grab onto, there was nobody to hear my screams and cries. Why me? Why here? What have I done to deserve this? Then suddenly it all stopped and it went completely dark around me, yet I could feel this overwhelming sense of peace and compassion around me, that is when I saw it, a light approaching me, a bright, blinding overwhelming light, I tried to close my eyes, but the light shone through my eye lids, my skin started burning from the light.
I started shaking, sweating, the worst fear I’ve ever felt came over me, but then a voice came from the light, not a man’s voice or a woman’s voice.
The voice spoke to me and said, “you wanted to see reality? You wanted to understand existence and where everything came from?
Are you satisfied now? Did this experience answer your questions? Are you satisfied? Or do you want to spend another million years here?
Before I could answer of respond the light hit me and I woke up back on the lawn at home, sweat dripping off of me, my clothing soaked in sweat, still shaking, out of breath I just laid there, I’m not sure how long I laid there, I eventually woke up with rain water falling on my face, “I’m actually back” it was freezing cold. But it felt good, I was soaked in the cold rain water, but it still felt amazing, I am back home, back in my own reality, the hell, the torture, the madness and insanity is over.
The next morning when I woke up the sun was shining, so I decided to make the most of my day and my time in my own reality and get into the garden, but the moment I looked up in the direction of the sun I froze, I saw that same bright light I met with in the void, that’s when it hit me, and I broke out in a sweat when the realisation came to me, I could feel my heart beating out of my chest, I started shaking as an overwhelming fear came over me, our reality is fragile, very fragile, we exist on borrowed time, we exist because some being decided we should exist outside of the chaos, all our theories, all of our laws of physics means nothing, not in this reality, nor in the true reality.
So if you are reading this, go outside and make the most of your life, of your existence, because tomorrow is not guaranteed, and I don’t mean death, I mean everything can seize to exist in a moment.
After my experience I appreciate every breath, every taste, every sound, every colour, I’ve realised how valuable every small thing is in existence and I know it’s not going to be long till this reality comes apart again and everything will be nothing and nothing will be everything.