(Part 1)
It’s hard to write this, but I don’t think I’ll be getting too many chances in the future.
It happened when I was four. My mommy was leading me outside to the beach, gripping my arm really tightly, and she wasn’t letting go. I remember that I was trying to shake the embarrassment from the strangers who were pretending they weren’t just staring at me with their dumb faces, and that I’d turned heel and tried to march back up to the car where it was comfy, but failed miserably.
Mommy didn’t care. She easily dragged me down the warm sands of the beach, and only let go of me at the edge of the water, taking a few paces more than I so that her feet were submerged in the surf. I preferred a drier approach and back-pedalled until the ocean spray couldn’t touch me, then curled into a loose ball, even thought the feeling of my breath on my limbs was not very pleasant.
“Now, honey, isn’t this such a nice view?” She spread her arms up high. “You’re not an armadillo, come enjoy the natural beauty of the ocean!” I’d gotten enough of a good look at it earlier, a greyish blue thing that I’d only ever seen in pictures. It looked better in the pictures.
At least it wasn’t hot. I inwardly jolted at each resounding crash and retreat, but the mean sun had been scorching my skin since the ride here
I was on the edge of tears, I could feel them beading up in the corners of my eyes and my head was pounding and the seagulls were so loud and screechy in the background and I knew everyone was sneaking glances at me and I felt like the stench of salt and seaweed was going to make my nose bleed and make me vomit I couldn’t tell her any of that because I was four and I was too little she made me come here I didn’t want to go I didn’t want to I want to go home-
“Awww, are you having another one of your temper tantrums? Look, I don’t have time for this, sweetie, so you need to calm down.”
Her voice was like icy slush being poured into my ear, I was mad but I couldn’t move or speak so I just shut my eyes tight and clenched all of my muscles, which made me fall onto the rough sandy ground under the mean sun.
If the next few times are anything to go off of, she probably rolled her eyes at the same as the sigh I heard. Then, that slush was poured into my ear again.
“HAY-zULL.” She butchered my name for not the first time. “You need to work with me here. I’m going to go to the car and get the rest of our stuff. You can sit here and be miserable, or you can play in the ocean like a good girl. Now, which would you rather do?”
When I registered that she said she was going to the car, I had a sudden realisation, accompanied by a quick start that made me unfurl, just an inch or so, and raise my self partially on my right forearm amongst my shaking.
I looked at her hopefully, already thinking about what I would say. “Mommy, I want to go back to the car but I wanna stay there! Take me home, there’s screeching and heat and people here!”
Instead, my face fell as I saw her own.
Her lips were pursed, her jaw was set.
Her eyebrows were furrowed, and her green eyes were looking down at me like I was a puppy that peed on the carpet but was still walking around her and sniffing her legs like nothing was wrong.
All of a sudden, the sun and the smell and the thumping and ringing in my brain and heart didn’t matter so much. They faded into the background like TV static.
There was no mistaking it. Mommy was gone.
This was Angry Mommy.
My throat closed up and my shaking, having faltered in that moment of hope, must’ve doubled from its original intensity. I thought I was doing well, I hadn’t seen Angry Mommy in over two months but there she was.
“…Well?” Her crossed arms snapped out in front of her like people did when they were going to a baby, but more forceful and rigid.
Just going to sit there? Use your words, or I’ll decide for you.” There they were. Angry Mommy’s favourite things to say.
I knew I wasn’t going to hold on much longer, but it always came quicker with her. My face burned in the sun and from the witch’s brew of emotions, and I started to cry.
Angry Mommy groaned and stomped off to get her beach tent and sunscreen. I curled back into my ball and let my tears soak into the sand.
I was making ugly childish crying sounds, but the rest of them thought I couldn’t see them and they stopped pretending to be captivated by other things. Almost all their noise subsided, and they just stared at me blankly with their annoyingly slack arms and faces.
I don’t know how long it was like that, but at some point Angry mommy was back with our stuff. I only realised something was the matter when everyone suddenly looked away and back at their friends and activities. I registered her footsteps soon after that.
She dumped most of it on the ground a few metres behind me, put down a few, more fragile items and opened up a bottle of sunscreen.
“Come here,” she hissed. She wasn’t asking. I knew better than to refuse her orders at this point, so I weakly sat up with her behind me, but apparently I wasn’t good enough, because she grabbed me roughly by my nape and adjusted me, pulling me a bit closer as well.
She squeezed some sunscreen out its light blue bottle and onto her hands, then began vigorously rubbing it into my back, arms, and neck.
She did my legs last, moving over to my side. We didn’t make eye contact.
When she finished, she popped the cap back onto the bottle and left it next to her phone.
“Daddy will be here soon with the food and some essentials. Wrap up your little temper tantrum by then.”
I weakly swallowed and gave her a small, jittery nod. She fished her favourite drink out of her duffel bag and started to walk along the shore, but it was more of a negatively-fueled pacing of some kind, taking a sip every 10 seconds or something.
I wasn’t sure what to do. An older lady holding a kid’s hand glanced over mid-walk a couple dozen metres away. She looked like she wanted to say something to me, but she just took one last look and let her child take her to what looked to be a moat around a building made of sand.
…
I’ve been typing for longer than I thought. My screen time’s almost over, but at least I bargained to be allowed to stay inside, as long as I tidied up the floor in my room. Plus, the buzz of the electronics is quite distracting, and the memories can get…overwhelming, sorry.
I’m sorry I couldn’t let you know more. I’ll update my little blog with a part 2, but that will need to be later. This is Ms Hazel, as some call me, signing off. Bye bye!