The following is an account of a hidden truth about reality itself:
I have witnessed something few others have. I can only speculate what forces have ordered the destruction of my sanity. I have been hunting for answers with no more light to shed on this subject after years of searching. The only thing left to do is to reach out and warn others of what I know first hand. Hop aboard the crazy train, it’s a one way trip, just a short ride through hell, and welcome to a world of madness.
An elite group of warriors; silent, but deadly. They are dogged in their pursuit of justice. There in a second, gone in a flash. A faint whisper of a smell on the breeze to let you know you weren’t imagining it. Tougher than any Navy SEAL. Hidden as the dog shit on your lawn when you go to get the mail. Glimpse beyond the veil if you dare and spy a psyops unit so unconventional, so explosive, so god damned radical that the powers that be can’t even acknowledge their existence for fear of triggering Armageddon. Don’t worry, oh curious one, they won’t kill you, but some may say their tactical maneuvers are so shitty you’ll wish you were dead.
You never know when they’re watching. The moment you’re in their sights, together with their highly trained canine unit they unleash a symphony of uncontrollable self-shitting, driving their targets to the brink of madness. No matter where you are, no matter what you do, you will not be able to escape the shadowy warriors and their hounds of hell shitting themselves with a vengeance. They turn your reality into a waking nightmare. At the store, at the office, at school, on the mean streets. You’ll feel the fragile threads of your sanity unravel as you witness the senseless violence of their shits.
What are the tell tale signs you are being hunted in a way that transcends the comprehension of mere mortals? Suddenly symbols like dog plushies and poop emojis begin to seep into every aspect of your life, showing you your feeble attempts to escape them are in vain. Being followed by mysterious dog walkers in stained Scooby Doo or Snoopy T-shits, a grotesque mockery of innocence turned nightmarish. This is the combat uniform for this army of hellish avengers. Their war-cry, barking to strike fear in the heart of their enemies. Your blood will freeze as they unleash the thunder of their wrathful shits, heralding the arrival of hell on earth. Just when you think you have escaped your brush with madness, the horror continues: they leave their calling card, a coupon for half off dog food.
They are vengeful angels out there in the shit enacting a cosmic retribution against their enemies. These mysterious warriors will make you believe the brown eye of god is always upon you. The next time you are out and you feel unseen eyes watching you, give the air a little sniff.
You might just be on the shit-list of The Dog-Shit Ninjas.