I killed my husband. I’m writing this on my phone and once I’m done I’ll call the police, or maybe I’ll kill myself. I haven’t decided, either way. Before the shock of what just happened wears off I need to get this all down. Even if no one believes me, I need to have evidence that at least I know what really happened. I’m posting it on this forum because at least some of you reading might believe me and if you don’t then it’s just a story, right?
My husband, his name is, well I guess was, Jack Rabinowitz. We called him Jack Rabbit or just Rabbit for short. I want to make it clear that my husband was a good man. He was kind, and compassionate. He had his flaws like everyone but I loved him. We had fights like any married couple. Sometimes money was a little tight when he would change jobs, or his socks couldn’t seem to find their way into the hamper. He once brought home a puppy as an anniversary gift and then proceeded to be shocked by how much work a puppy actually was. For the record, I’m allergic to dogs.
I know you all don’t care about who he was or who we were as a couple, maybe this is self-gratifying? But it’s important that you know despite everything we were happy, we loved each other. I guess none of that really matters anymore. I can sit here and type out all the wonderful things Rabbitt was and all the amazing things he did but it doesn’t change the fact that my fingers keep sticking to my screen because my hands are covered in his blood.
Do you know what an Urban Explorer is? For the uninitiated it’s a person or group of people who explore abandoned or forgotten man made structures. Urbex is technically illegal but plenty of people do it. It was always Rabbitt’s thing, he was into the whole Urbex scene since before we met, he introduced it to me on our third date. We may have broken into an abandoned supermarket outside our hometown. He used to say that’s how he knew I was “the one” because instead of ditching him I offered to go in first. I never told him but I only did it to impress him.
That was the thing with Jack though he was so enthusiastic about the things he loved, you couldn’t help but kind of love them too, you know? I’m stalling, I know I’m stalling but part of me knows once I finish this I’ll either be on my way to prison or dead, so please just allow me to reminisce before everything is over forever.
Anyways, we did the whole Urbex thing. Some couples do trivia nights, we broke into dilapidated asylums. Besides, it was nice to have something just for us. It wasn’t a secret we had plenty of friends who knew we did it and Jack had online friends who he would swap locations with but when it came to the actual exploring it was always just us. It was through his online friends that Jack found out about Anora Glen.
Anora Glen was supposed to be the new Los Alamos. Los Alamos was a city created for the development and testing of atomic weapons during WWII. Ever hear of the Manhattan Project? Well the people who worked on that project and their families were relocated to “secret cities” like Los Alamos. Anora Glen wasn’t founded until after the war, but that’s where the Cold War comes in. Everyone was just waiting for the next atomic shoe to drop. So, the government created Anora Glen as a way to keep their top scientists and newly acquired ones (thanks to Operation Paperclip) under close surveillance while the top minds of the nation busied themselves with the new creation of weapons. I’m willing to bet that you’ve never heard of Anora Glen though.
That was part of the reason Rabbitt wanted us to come here so badly, it was the mystery of it all. Anora Glen was a perfectly fine little community one day and the next day every single living soul was gone. Every single man, woman, and child just disappeared one day and no one knows why. I mean the government says it was because there was unstable tectonic plate activity underneath the testing sites so they had to evacuate. Which if you think about it too much doesn’t really make sense. Unstable tectonic plates is a fancy way of saying earthquakes which, sure, wouldn’t be ideal underneath atomic weapon test sites but there is no historical record of any earthquakes in the area of Anora Glen or within a two hundred mile radius.
There were whispers of human testing and chemical weapons but in the end the secret of what happened at Anora Glen died with its residents. Of course, there could be some people alive today who lived through it but if there are they’ve never come forward. Rabbit was chomping at the bit to explore this place because if we did we would be the first ones to ever release the findings. That was the second part of the mystery, anyone who claimed to go to Anora Glen was never heard from again, or at the very least never posted about it anywhere. Of course, it could be because it’s still technically property of the U.S. government and a trespass charge on the federal level isn’t going to be a slap on the wrist. Still, the fact that no one was ever heard from after they claimed to visit the town was compelling.
Jack decided that with all of our experience and our newly purchased body cameras, we would be the first to get in, get some footage, and get out without anyone being the wiser. We would post it anonymously on Reddit and bask in the glory of internet karma. I know the steaks seem so high for a payoff that would net us practically nothing but this place, it was like a siren song for my husband. He needed to come here, I felt the complete opposite.
From the moment I heard about this place I wanted nothing to do with it. If I’m being honest, and frankly I don’t think I have any reason not to be, I was done with Urban Exploring. It was fun when we were young and the stakes were low but it felt like every location was just never enough for Rabbit. He needed more danger, more thrills. He was never satisfied, he was chasing something and I don’t think he even knew what he was chasing. Anora Glen wasn’t his white whale, nothing ever would be. He wouldn’t stop until something bad happened, and I guess it did. I mean I did.
We started driving earlier this afternoon, the coordinates that Jack got online put Anora Glen somewhere slightly west of Badlands National Park in South Dakota. We drove for hours, the whole time Jack couldn’t stop talking about how this would be our greatest adventure yet, how we would be legends for finally cracking the case of what happened. I interjected that breaking in and snapping a few photos wouldn’t solve a decades old cold case that technically was solved, but he wasn’t listening. I used to find it endearing the way he would fully invest himself into something. Nothing mattered except for his ultimate goal, but then he would change his mind and his next big adventure was somewhere else. Sometimes I think he forgot I was my own person and not just another accessory to pack in his kit. I’m sorry I didn’t mean that, I don’t know why I said that. Jack is -was- a good man, a very good man.
Anyways we drove for so long eventually the road turned from pavement to packed earth and our little Subaru skipped across the desert landscape so many times I thought for sure we were going to roll over. I just kept thinking if we died out here no one would find our bodies. It would take a few days for people to even realize we were gone, we had a bad habit of packing up and leaving town unannounced to go on our expeditions. Besides, Jack didn’t want anyone to know we were going out here, he didn’t want to risk someone telling the wrong person and have us end up in handcuffs miles from the main entrance.
We pulled up to the front gates of Anora Glen at around 7:00 pm, the sun had already set, the sky was a dark bluish purple like an ugly bruise. Jack switched on his body cam and helped me into mine.
“Remember, we stick together. No Rabinowitz left behind.” Jack gave me a quick kiss on the forehead. “But,” he started looking back at the car with a hint of something in his eyes. “If things go south, and they won’t, but if they do,” he leaned forward and pressed the keys into my hands, “You run. Got it Tasha? I’m serious if we see lights or sirens and you out run me do not stop. Get in the car and gun it, okay?”
I looked at him and for the first time since I had known him my husband he actually looked scared. “We can leave right now, Rabbit. We haven’t done anything wrong yet. We can go. You’re never this nervous.”
He smiled and ran a hand through his hair like he was trying to reset his brain. “I just want my wife to be safe, but this is just like any other exploration, okay?”
We approached the gate softly, the air felt thicker, it settled on my shoulders like a wet towel. Jack pulled out a pair of bolt cutters and went to bite into the wire fencing when I stopped him.
“Look,” I pointed to a hole in the fence a few feet from us, someone had already come through that way. The edges of the fence were bronzed with rust, like it had been exposed to the elements for some time. “Let’s use that instead,” I said, “better to not add destruction of property to the charges.”
Rabbit nodded and we ducked underneath the fence. Anora Glen was well shrouded. The fence was tall and thick and behind it lay about a mile or so of carefully planted woodlands. We marched through the trees walking as silently as possible. I had one hand on Jack’s shoulder as we walked single file. We didn’t use flashlights so the walking was slow going as we tried to avoid tree roots and rocks. After about an hour of walking we made it into the clearing. That was the first picture we took. The first thing we saw as we exited the tree line was the gaping mouth of a cul-de-sac, around it sat squat little houses, baked to pale pastels from the years of sunlight. Jack didn’t move for a moment, taking it all in. I watched as he stood, mouth slightly open staring at the most perfect little neighborhood.
“Holy shit.” He whispered. He took my hand and we continued walking. The streetlamps were still lit casting eerie shadows across the still perfectly smooth sidewalk. Cars still sat parked in their allotted driveways, mailboxes still remained like sentinels at the beginning of every yard. Each one flatly labeled in clean white lettering, Smith, Robertson, Jones.
“Do you think those were their real last names?” I whispered.
Rabbit shook his head, “I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone here was living under some kind of assumed identity.”
We came to the intersection of Antietam Street and Samuel Boulevard. Rows of empty houses stood in front of us expanding in every direction. In the distance an imposing glass building sat on top of a hill. “That must have been the main lab,” Rabbit said pointing. “God, this place is amazing.” I didn’t say anything, I had the sudden violent urge to run.
“Jack,” I tried to start but he was already jogging down the street. I tried to catch up with him but my body camera came unclasped and cracked onto the sidewalk. By the time I got it put back on Jack was gone. He had never left me behind like that before, well almost never. Once he had gotten a little over zealous when we explored the Putnam School in Salem, Massachusetts. I ended up falling through a rotted floorboard and cracked my knee open down to the bone. He hadn’t heard my screaming from where he was. It took him over an hour to find me alone in that cold, damp basement. It doesn’t matter anymore, that story isn’t important. What is important is what happened tonight. I have to focus.
Jack was gone and I was alone. I wanted to call out to him but I was afraid. What if someone was guarding the place and heard me? What if this was the kind of place where they shot first and asked questions later? I decided my best bet was to stay put. That way Jack would have to come back the way we came to find me, then I could convince him we needed to leave this place. I felt a quick brush of movement across the back of my neck, I whirled around and found nothing except another perfectly preserved house. The last name on the mailbox said Robbins. In the yard a small tricycle lay long forgotten on its side, its wheel spinning slightly in the night air. I wanted to vomit. The fear was getting worse, the urge to flee was clawing at my skin, but I couldn’t leave, not without Jack. I thought he would be safer if I stayed, how wrong I was.
As I stared at the spinning wheel, I started to hear music. It was faint at first, so soft I thought I was imagining it but as I listened closer I could make out the distinct melody. I found myself humming along, it was a song I knew. My grandmother used to play it, “Forever and Ever” by Russ Morgan. I hadn’t heard that song in years but suddenly it was playing from somewhere in this abandoned neighborhood. It was coming from the Robbins’ house. That’s when the light in the living room clicked on. I stared in complete shock at the young woman staring back at me. Stiff rolls of curled hair framed a heart shaped face, plump ruby red lips pulled into a smile as she looked at me. Her slender frame was wrapped in a delicate gingham dress, a stiff white apron was pulled tightly over her waist. For a moment, she looked like a doll, until her hand softly rose to her chin and she waved. I watched as her eyes sputtered and fizzed like static on a television, I opened my mouth to scream but then the world went black.
When I opened my eyes I was staring into an almost empty teacup, honey colored dregs were circling the bottom.
“Isn’t that better, Natasha?” the woman asked. Her voice was warm. She studied me with the same inhuman eyes and I felt myself nodding.
“Now, you were just telling me about Mr. Rabinowitz. He sounds like a nice man.” She said curtly.
“He is.” I heard myself say even as I had no memory of opening my mouth, “Well he is most times.” I continued. My brain felt like it was splitting in two, one part of me wanted to run to get away from whatever this thing was, grab Jack and get to the car and never ever come back to this fucked up place. But the other part of me began to sink further into the sofa, the tea cup still felt warm and inviting in my hand. That was the stronger part of my brain, the part saying stay here.
“I’m so glad you’ve come by for a visit. It does get awfully lonely out here. It’s important to have someone to count on. After all, who can a gal count on in these times if not her friends?” The room felt warmer than brighter. All I can remember was thinking she was right, of course we were friends. We had always been such lovely friends, Rose and I. I can’t remember her ever saying her name. My teacup was full again and without much thought I took another sip.
Maybe it will make sense if I just type out everything as it happened, I need you all to understand where my mind is. Well, where it was. Everything is starting to get fuzzy and I just need to get it all down, maybe the shock is finally wearing off? Anyways I sipped my tea…
Rose smiled at me and said, “Mr. Rabinowitz seems like a lovely man, but of course he is a man isn’t he?” She let out a tinkling little laugh that sounded like a melody. “All men are flawed aren’t they? Every waking moment since the doctor holds them up, spanks them and declares them a bouncing baby boy, the world bows down to their every whim and wish.”
She placed a cigarette between slender fingers and puffed thoughtfully. “My Richard was like that. Of course he was brilliant mind you, a top mathematician. He fancied himself the greatest mind in his generation, but what more can you expect when you’ve been told that your entire life.” She took another long drag before looking at me, “Is Jack a proud man?” I could tell by the way the corners of her mouth turned up slightly she knew I would tell her everything.
“He thinks so highly of himself,” I said without truly thinking, “He wants to be the next big thing but he doesn’t even know what that is. He can’t see that there are bigger things right in front of his face.”
Rose nodded thoughtfully, “So concerned about what’s next he can’t see the now.” She stood and busied herself at the mantle. “It’s a prideful thing, to be so concerned with oneself. Perhaps he doesn’t truly consider others? Marrying a man like that, well that’ll split you right down to the bone over time, don’t you think?” I fingered the scar on my knee.
“He isn’t a bad person,” I tried to say. Rose hurried to my side, “No, no, of course not. Hate the sin, love the sinner, dear. Richard was just the same, but he was prideful, sinfully self interested. He always put himself above me and our family, always. At first when it was just the two of us it was fine but once R.J. came, he practically worshiped at the altar of his father. I spent years playing second fiddle to Icarus and his son.” There was a hint of malice in her voice, the kind of hateful undertone I had heard in my own voice when explaining to friends that Jack had left his job after a month because he wasn’t being taken seriously.
“They love to say,” Rose continued as she settled herself next to me, sliding her open cigarette case across the table, “that Eve was formed from Adam’s rib. Men love to use that as a way of saying ‘See you ladies are nothing without us. We made you!’, but I see it a different way.” When I didn’t take the cigarette she lit one and held it out, I took it dutifully.
“I see it as God making a prototype, a rough draft. Then he improved it, taking the scraps of his first design to build something better. You can imagine that thought wasn’t very popular at the Sunday potlucks.” She laughed again and it was the most beautiful sound in the world. I so badly wanted her to like me, I puffed on the cigarette and tried to mirror her movements. The smoke tasted acrid in my mouth, like dust and death.
She reached out and wrapped a finger in a stray lock of my hair. “Women were always meant to be the final product, don’t you agree? Men are great for- well you know- but past that I just can’t see the use.” She stood up quickly and I immediately felt the disappointment in her sudden absence. She removed a book from the shelf and held it out to me.
“Now, Natasha, I only show this to my most dear friends. I trust you. Do you trust me?” I nodded hungrily and held out my hands. The book was a simple leather journal. As I carefully looked through the pages I saw it was filled with her beautiful lopping script.
“Is this a diary?” I asked and again Rose smiled and the room felt warmer. “No, silly. It’s scripture.” She must have understood the look on my face. She quickly dropped to her knees in front of me, placing her palms on the pages.
“When we first moved here, I was so blinded by Richard’s pride I thought he was doing the right thing. Creating weapons from this raw power we knew not how to control. But that would keep us, keep everyone, safe. All the ladies here, we were all so proud of our fellas. We thought they were fighting the good fight, doing God’s work. But that isn’t the truth, Natasha, that wasn’t the truth at all.” She was speaking faster, “A few months after we moved here I began to hear this hum. Like an insect had crawled its way in my ears and was buzzing around my brain. I heard it for weeks, and weeks, and it just wouldn’t stop. The only thing that would drive out the sound was the static on television between stations. The only moments of peace I got was when the static would fill the house. Richard would yell and scream and call me crazy but it was the only way I could finally be at peace. Then one day out of the static I heard Their voices calling to me. I didn’t know what it was at first so I started writing it all down.” She gestured to the book again and I could make out the tiny scribbled dates in the margins followed by sentences that seemed to be incoherent.
“I started to write down what They were saying and the more I listened, the more the words made sense. So I told the other ladies about it, some of them didn’t believe me but most of them did. The true believers, they understood. Of course the men couldn’t hear Them but that was because they weren’t meant to. The true voices of the Gods were only meant to be heard by their true followers. Do you understand?”
Rose’s voice was growing louder and louder, her cheeks were flushed as she recounted the events and again that sensation of my brain being pulled in two began. Part of me knew what Rose was saying was crazy, but the other part of me saw the devolution in her eyes, the belief that she held so dearly. I couldn’t bring myself to call it delusion.
“The men,” she continued, “The men didn’t understand the power they were dealing with because it was never meant to be wielded by them. The Gods are the only ones powerful enough to use it. They spoke to the women of Anora Glen because They knew we were Their chosen flock. We were not blinded by the power and the honor like the men were. No, we only wanted to serve our Atomic Gods. So when the command came down from Them we knew there was no other way. The men would keep playing with things they didn’t understand and eventually they would destroy the world. But if we the faithful followed our Gods orders we could stop it. We could save everyone and carry out the true laws of this world. Our Gods were ancient and had been long forgotten but now They were awakened by the hubris of man and They would not stop until it was snuffed out.”
My heartbeat was thudding in my ears, but underneath it I could hear this small but incessant buzzing. It was growing louder as Rose continued her sermon.
“I was the first one who received the message, but then the others began to hear it too. We understood that the only way to give this power back to the Gods would be to destroy the ones trying to take it from Them. So, we did what had to be done.”
From somewhere outside I heard Jack’s voice, he was calling my name. With the sound of my husband’s voice Rose’s spell seemed to loosen.The room was darker, the corners were shrouded in inky blackness. I noticed now there was a long reddish brown streak running down the side of the hallway.
“Look at me, Natasha!” Rose commanded and suddenly the room was warm and inviting again, the stain on the wall was gone.
“We did what had to be done. We pledged ourselves to the Atomic Gods and we carried out Their plan. We smited the men who were never meant to inherit this new world and the whores who stood in our way. We laid our babes to sleep in their cots for eternity because they too were tainted with the sins of their fathers. We carried out the plans of our Gods but-
“Natasha!” Jack was yelling now, he seemed worried. The buzzing in my ears continued though and was slowly drowning out his voice.
“We followed the orders, Natasha, you understand? We followed the orders but it wasn’t enough. There were still men out there, outside of Anora Glen that we couldn’t eradicate from this earth the way our New Lords intended. The government sent in their lackeys to take us down, they claimed we had been poisoned by some kind of chemical that had been released by mistake. How typical!” She spat the words, her hands gripped my thighs with vigor, “The government couldn’t hear the voices of our Gods, and why you ask? Because they were too prideful, too self interested, too cowardly to give their control over to the Greater Beings. So they killed us all. They sacrificed myself and my sisters so that the men would keep running the world and they drove our Gods back into hiding. Don’t you hear it, Natasha? Don’t you hear it?”
“Natasha!” Jack screamed from somewhere outside but there was a voice beneath his. It was a darker voice, an ancient one. It was calling to me the same way it called to Rose, the same was it called to all my sisters.
Rose smiled at me, “You hear it, don’t you?” I nodded fiercely as she gripped my head in her hands and placed a kiss on my forehead, “You must continue this battle, it cannot end with us.” She said as tears welled in her static eyes, “Go, my sister. Praise be to our new Gods!”
I leaped from the couch and out the door. My brain was buzzing with noises I had never before heard. Ancient voices were crackling in a language I didn’t understand and I felt the world spin off its axis. I saw Jack standing in the middle of the road then. He ran toward me, arms outstretched.
“Tash! We have to go! Now! This place wasn’t abandoned, it was a chemical spill. It’s not safe, we have to go now!’ He pulled on my arm but as I looked behind him I could see all the lights of the houses turn on and all the women of Anora Glenn stepped outside of their houses.
“No!” I screamed at him, “You do not get to decide!”
Jack looked confused as if I had just slapped him, “Natasha, honey, we have to go. We can talk about it in the car but I found this notebook in one of the labs and-”
“You went to the lab?” I asked. The eyes of my sisters bore into me as I questioned Jack.
“Yes, but-”
“You wanted their power too!”
“What? Natasha, did you hit your head? What is wrong with you? We have to go- put your respirator on, we need to get out of here!” He held out the mask to me and I threw it to the ground.
“You are just like them. You are a prideful man too! You wanted Their power just like the rest of them. You can’t understand that there are things in this life that aren’t meant for you. Not everything in this world is meant for you! I am not meant for you! I am one of the chosen!” I screamed. My sister’s voices were chanting in my ear
Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
Jack looked as if he was going to vomit, “We need to get you to a hospital. You must have been exposed to something.”
“I knew you wouldn’t understand, how could you? I finally have something that can’t be made yours and you are just sick to death over it. I am the mouthpiece of our New Lords and you will bow to Them!”
Jack slapped me hard across the face, “I’m sorry, I love you, but I need you to break out of this and we need to get you help!”
“See!” Rose screamed from her front doorstep, “He beats you because he cannot comprehend that he is beneath you now. Strike him down and obey the Gods!”
“I understand you!” I called out as tears streamed down my face
“There is no one there, Natasha! What the fuck is going on!”
“Kill the nonbeliever!” Rose screamed. The voices of the other woman were still scorching my ear drums.
Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
I couldn’t see straight anymore. Jack’s face was a blurry mess
Kill him. Kill him.
He lunged toward me.
Kill him.
I didn’t even know I had the knife in my hand until it was plunged deep into his chest. Suddenly the sound stopped. The voices were silent and the houses was once again dark. We were alone in the middle of the road, we had always been alone. Jack collapsed to the ground and I fell beside him.
“Nat- I-” he was trying to speak but there was a gurgling sound coming from the back of his throat.
“Jack! Oh my God! Jack! I’m sorry, I’m sorry- I- I didn’t- please don’t” I ripped the knife out only to remember the one thing I was supposed to do was to leave it in. I pressed hard on the wound but the blood swallowed my hands as Jack sputtered and coughed, his eyes started to glaze over.
“Please” he whispered but then his head dropped down to the pavement with a sickening thwack and he was gone. I kept pushing on his chest, but I think I knew he was gone. I threw myself over his body and screamed. I cried and cursed, vomit forced its way through my mouth and splattered across the concrete. A rain slowly moved its way in and I laid beside Rabbit and prayed the water would drown me.
At some point I got up and made my way back to the car. I typed this all out and now I am sitting here looking at a rising sun and wondering what to do next. Either way I am posting this here so that the secret of Anora Glen doesn’t die with me. Never come to this place, never try to find it. Stay away from Anora Glen and pray you never hear the calling of the Atomic Gods.