Phoebe thankfully accepted that the shower incident was an issue with the water heater. She apparently didn’t see Allison’s message on the bathroom mirror.
She understandably walked away from our relationship after that night though and I didn’t fight to keep her around. I needed a break from anything intense anyway.
A few weeks later I woke in the middle of the night to the sound of a baby crying.
I knew where it was coming from and I knew why it was there.
Allison wanted nothing more than to have a baby and I wanted to give that to her. We tried shortly after getting married and it didn’t take long to get pregnant.
She knew it was a girl. We painted the guest room pink. We bought girl’s baby clothes and a pink crib. We set it up in the guest room even though there was still six months to go.
We were never happier.
Allison miscarried.
That’s all I’m capable of writing about the situation.
We kept trying after that with no success and it actually led to the discovery of her cervical cancer. The most painful part of me couldn’t help but wonder if the cancer came from or had something to do with the misscarriage.
After the diagnosis we just tried to enjoy each other. We didn’t get much longer together.
—
I walked to the closed door of the guest room and could hear the baby crying on the other side of it.
I gave it a second, wallowing in the pain of it all before my anger with the world boiled over inside me and I threw the door open.
My brain was prepared to see the room empty, the way it had been since the misscarraige.
Instead, I saw that pink crib in the far corner and I saw Allison standing there in front of it, her back to me, dressed in her sheer nightgown, the fabric barely clinging to her lithe frame. It broke my heart to see that she was looking down at nothing in the crib.
The sound of the baby crying stopped. It was replaced by Allison’s familiar, staggered whimper.
I was no longer scared, I was sad.
Allison spun around and I saw her face for a breath - her pale green eyes dancing across my vision for just a second.
She sent a piercing scream at me.
Then she was gone and I was alone.
Worse yet, I felt something walk past me while I was standing there in the door, numb. Was it her?
I cleaned out all of the baby stuff the next day and donated it. We had hung onto it in hopes that we would have another one and that was never going to happen.
In the collection of baby stuff was a box of congratulations cards from after we told our family and friends that we were expecting. A card from Allison’s cousin, Leisha, triggered my memory. Leisha was a medium.
The skeptic in me wanted to write Leisha off, but I hadn’t told her I was coming and she had photos of Allison and I already waiting on her working table in her living room that smelled like stale weed.
She told me she knew I was coming. Allison hadn’t contacted her but she had felt her presence in the weeks before.
Leisha explained to me that at some point in the history of their family tree that Allison’s family crossed something they should not have crossed and their bloodline was infected by a curse that carried all through every member of the family. It seemed that even those who weren’t as afflicted by the internal demons as others, like Allison, something tragic always happened to them - fatal car accidents, brain tumors, heart attacks at a young age, cervical cancer, everyone was dragged down into darkness somehow even if they tried to fight it by succeeding in life.
Leisha comforted me by explaining there was nothing I could do for Allison and I did the best I could, giving her love while I was able. She held my hand while explaining all of this.
I told Leisha about what had been happening with me and Allison.
She took a long hit off a vape after apologizing for doing so and she shook her long, frizzy hair into her face. She gave herself some time to connect with whatever she was channeling and she squeezed my hand impossibly hard for a woman who looked like she couldn’t have been more than 100 pounds soaking wet.
Leisha explained that Allison’s family being around when she passed onto the other side was not a good thing. She thinks their dark energy infected her as she passed over and she may have been infiltrated by a darkness or a demon on the other side and now that darkness was taking over her and pushing her towards me.
She also explained that darkness or demon lived in the cancer that killed her and it may have been affecting her from the very first sprout of it, getting into her brain, creating that anger that hurt our relationship. She insinuated something about the misscarriage but stopped herself.
She went into that ghosts are souls that feel unresolved with their life and the world and linger trying to hang onto it and demons can act like parasites, using those lingering ghosts to get back into, and negatively affect the living world. This may have been what was going on with Allison.
Leisha explained the only way to start keeping the last shreds of Allison’s stolen and shredded spirit was to get rid of every single I was holding onto that was her - physically and digitally. I didn’t want to do it. She assured me it was the only way.
She also said I had to get rid of the tattoo Allison gave me.
What?
Leisha gave me a mirror and showed me the tiniest little letter A etched in black ink behind my left earlobe. I remembered a scab and pain there just after the boiling water incident in the shower. I wrote it off as part of the scalding and healing process and had never looked behind my ear.
She explained Allison must have given it to me around that time while I was sleeping.
Leisha also insisted I move out of the house we lived in together.I agreed and followed through with it, moving in with my parents.
I went back to the house and started cleaning out all of Allison’s things. I donated as much as I could to charity.
The last piece was my wedding ring. I stopped wearing it after a year but kept it in my nightstand.
This was the one recommendation I didn’t completely obey. I didn’t get rid of it as she suggested. I put it in a safe deposit box at my bank. I just couldn’t bear to not have it exist in the world.
—
I experienced some grace at my parents’ house.
I was there for a week with no disturbances. I finally got some good sleep. Got some work done. Started eating again.
We had a wonderful dinner at home with my parents the first Sunday night after I moved in. Three full glasses of wine made me feel good and put me in the moment.
That wine helped drift me off to sleep and keep me there for quite some time.
But not through the entire night. Drinking always made me have to get up and pee in the middle of the night.
I was in the bathroom when I heard the sound of music.
The music lured me out into the dark living room and I realized it wasn’t music - it was Allison’s voice coming hushed out of the Echo Dot in the room. It was so low I couldn’t make out what she was saying.
I drifted over to the corner of the room where the Alexa was to try and listen.
There was a lit candle flickering next to the Alexa, the flame seeming to flicker with the rhythm of the soft words coming out of the device. I didn’t remember the candle being on when we went to bed.
Closer to the Alexa, I could make out the words coming out of the machine. I heard a fragment of the wedding vows Allison and I read to each other.
My emotions swelled in my chest and in unison the dozen other candles in the room ignited with strong flames, casting the room in a pale light all around me.
For a second, I saw a glimpse of someone standing in front of me, next to the Alexa, but then a swift gust of wind came through and knocked all of the candles over and the image of the person was gone.
The candle in front of me fell onto a framed photo of my parents with Allison and I, smiling on our wedding day, standing in a golden field on a summer afternoon.
I watched the frame and photo set ablaze with incredible speed.
Still frozen, I heard Allison’s voice on the Alexa switch from reading to simply crying, those familiar sobs filled my ears and started to get louder, and louder, the longer I stood there.
The flames started to build all around me. Yet, I still couldn’t move.
I heard my mom scream from behind me. Allison’s cries got louder on the Alexa, as if they were trying to compete with my mom’s screeches.
My mom was able to yank me out of the room. We were all able to get out of the house and the fire department got there soon enough to save the house with only some moderate fire damage.
I went to see Leisha immediately. She was waiting on the front porch of her house even though it was just daybreak and I hadn’t told her I was coming, nursing a cup of coffee and a freshly-killed bowl of weed.
Leisha took me inside and sat me down. She grabbed me by the face and pulled mine closer to hers.
I’ll share the words she shared with me.
Allison loved you. She would never do any of these terrible things to you, but this is no longer her. That darkness has taken over her spirit. There is still some of her, and her light, deep down inside her, and sometimes it cracks through, and sends you some of that sweetness which made you love her, but it will always now only be brief. You can’t hang on anymore. You can keep her in your mind, and your heart, but that’s the only place she can live for you. Otherwise, this evil spirit will take you down with it, and you’ll both be haunted.
I had to let go of that wedding ring.
I went back to our house. I remembered there was one more thing in addition to the wedding ring of Allison’s I hadn’t brought myself to purge yet I also had to get rid of.
Allison always wore the same perfume. I left a bottle in the bathroom back at the house because I couldn’t bring myself to throw it out. Keeping her scent was one of the things I really didn’t want to lose. I would spray it periodically to remember her.
I pulled the perfume bottle out of the bathroom cupboard and started to carry it out of the room. I was almost to the door when I tripped and fell.
I fell into the counter with the perfume bottle in my hand. The bottle smashed into the edge of the sink and shattered.
A jagged edge of the bottle slashed across my hand, ripping open my palm. Some of the liquid of the perfume splashed up into my face, landing in my mouth, stinging my tongue.
I straight up inhaled some of the perfume, choked on it, coughed profusely, and squeezed my cut hand, trying to stop the bleeding.
Allison’s perfume seeped into my body through the cuts in my hand and the liquid soaked my mouth.
I shook it off. The wounds on my hand didn’t require stitches and that awful taste eventually evaporated off my tongue.
I went to the bank and got into my safe deposit box. The only thing in there was my white gold wedding band, staring at me as soon as I slid open the drawer.
I scooped it out of the drawer and slipped it onto my ring finger.
How loose the ring was on my finger crushed me. Allison was an excellent cook and not having her around cooking for me and my general depression since she got sick had whittled down the girth of my fingers. The thing would barely even stay on my finger.
I intended to take the thing right back off. I didn’t. Yet, I walked out of the bank with it on.
That’s when the descent started.
I was living in a hotel room while the fire damage at my parents’ house was repaired. It was one of those mid-range chain hotels by the airport without the least bit of charm or life and perpetually dim.
My room was at the top floor at the very end of the hallway and it became my dark sanctuary from the world. I stopped going to work. I stopped hanging out with my parents. No friends. No apps. Just me, sitting in my room and barely turning the lights on.
I can hardly even remember what happened during that time. It’s like a movie I can only vaguely remember watching. Bits and pieces come to me and I can see little snippets of that time but they feel like I’m watching my life, not participating in it.
What I do remember is a feeling. Being locked in that room in the dark with just my thoughts and emotions. And those feelings were painful and destructive.
I thought about breaking the window and jumping out. I thought about drowning myself in the bathtub or throwing the TV plugged-in into the bathtub while I was in it. I thought about the steak knife that came with my room service one night and what I could do with it.
My parents and Leisha rescued me. They came to my door one night and wouldn’t let me not come out.
Leisha took a photo to show me how terrible I looked - sunken dark eyes, ashen skin, my hair coated with grease, I looked like a person who had been living on the street instead of a Holiday Inn Express.
But then came the worst part.
I had only been in the room for a little over 48 hours. It was like my deterioration was in warp drive. I had seemed to age 10 years in a day. Whatever came into me through that perfume had carried me to Hell.
My parents were major skeptics and were freaked out about Leisha contacting them because she was worried about me. However, they were completely understanding and open minded about the dark power of everything that had happened with Allison so they let Leisha in the room with me, alone.
Leisha examined me with a horrified look on her face the entire time. I was just starting to come to and the dire nature of the faces and sounds she was making were throwing me into a panic.
Leisha was going to have to do an exorcism. The power of the darkness was too deep inside of me to do anything else. Going and throwing my wedding ring into the river wasn’t going to be enough at this point.
I thought that was going to mean just lighting some candles, burning some sage, holding some crosses, and making some pleas to the holy spirit.
Leisha quickly informed me this was not the case.
I watched as Leisha pulled out a syringe, a vial of clear liquid, and a little rubber hose - a setup that looked like it would be for shooting heroin. She told me the liquid was holy water as she pulled out a blindfold.
I didn’t believe in God. So how was that holy water going to work? She explained the darkness could be affected by something that simply believes in being clean, being holy, being a light, and not a dark. Holy water was the best she could do for that even though she didn’t believe in God either.
Leisha blindfolded me and tied me to the bed. I didn’t know it was coming when she slipped that syringe into my arm.
I got the biggest head rush of my life when she dropped the plunger down and I felt myself melt into the soft mattress of the bed.
I suddenly couldn’t move. Everything was dark but I felt like I was riding on Space Mountain, cutting through the darkness at breakneck speed.
Then it all started to slow and a familiar voice drilled into the back of my head.
It was Allison. The old Allison.
Derry?
Her soft voice, kind again, floored me. I couldn’t answer before she spoke into me again.
What happened?
I took in a deep breath that felt like I inhaled the entire universe into my suddenly-heavy chest.
I started communicating back to Allison’s spirit in the void.
You’ve been torturing me. You’ve ruined my life. You have to stop. You have to let go of me.
But please don’t let go of me.
It couldn’t hurt more to do what I had to do. I was surprised I was strong enough to start forming the statements in my head that I did.
I won’t forget you, but I have to let you go, Birdy. I will never forget you, but I’ll let go of my hold on you, and you have to too.
She didn’t respond.
Please, Birdy. I have to go on. I’m falling apart.
That’s not me who is torturing you.
I know. I know your pain. I love you.
My clear head allowed me to feel something I don’t think I would have felt without Leisha’s assistance. I could feel that darkness seeping into Allison. Like it was filling her blood. I felt it was getting injected into her like that holy water into me when she took those pregnant pauses.
I could feel the rage building. I could feel it sucking me into myself. I started to lose my cool.
She stopped placing words into my mind, and instead I fell into just a feeling of her pulling me deeper into the hole I was in.
I started to feel like I couldn’t fight it anymore.
Then the voice came into my head, but it was lower, colder, darker this time.
Just stay with me.
It was a dark whisper in my ear and I wanted to give into it. I could just let go. It would be easy. It would be nice to stay with her.
I felt her nails dig into me and something switched inside of me. The pain. The sting of it. It was familiar, and it woke me up.
I’m sorry. I have to go.
Allison stopped talking again, instead she just dug those nails deeper and deeper into me.
But I fought it. I pushed myself away out into space into nothing.
I apologized one more time without words and then I felt myself float away.
I felt Allison’s rage turn to sadness as we parted ways and I felt control start to come back to my body. I could feel it was her. This was not the family darkness. Not what took over her. Not that demon. It was just her and she was saying goodbye now.
Goodbye Derry. I love you. I’m sorry.
All of the feeling returned to my body just as I absorbed hearing what I always needed to hear.
I was ready to go back.
I could feel myself crossing back to being in that plain hotel room by the airport. I could hear Leisha’s voice calling me back.
I didn’t say anything, but I reached my arms out as far as I could and for the slightest, softest of moments, I felt my hand brush against Allison’s, feeling the rough scrape of the diamond of her engagement ring press into the inside of my hand.
I woke up on the bed, Leisha’s face pressed up against mine.
Relief washed all over her face.
“How do you feel?” She asked, plenty of wary still on her face.
I felt the best I had in a really long time. I felt like I had truly exercised a demon.
“Holy water could really do all that?” I asked Leisha instead of answering her question.
“No, that was ketamine, but I just didn’t want to freak you out,” Leisha explained.
I don’t think anything could have freaked me out at that moment. I was ready to move on with my life for the first time in years.
—
I’m writing this a few years after it all happened. It took me that long to really absorb and remember it all and be able to properly retell it.
Things have returned to normal. I have a girlfriend - not from Tinder. I have a new house. I have a life.
All I have left of Allison are the memories.
Well, I do have one physical item I did keep that I didn’t tell Leisha that I did.
I never got the little “A” tattoo Allison behind my earlobe removed. Every once in a while I’ll wake up in the middle of the night with it itching and I’ll wonder if it’s Allison returning, or just sending me a little hello, but then it goes away and I go back to sleep.
I almost never see it, but I always know it’s there.
And that’s perfect.