Okay, let me start this off by saying that these are just nightmares, and he is not cheating on me. He would never. I don’t think this is some kind of subconscious warning, either. He’s a good guy, and he would never hurt me for anything.
But I keep having these fucking nightmares.
They’re not a carbon copy of each other, but the end result is always the same. There’s someone else. Someone better has come along. Maybe he doesn’t even realize it, maybe he does but it still being dutiful and loyal and staying with me like he promised to, but it doesn’t matter. He likes them. He wants them more than me. He does not love me in the way that I need him to.
Whether it’s someone at college, or a person down the road after we’ve moved in together, never someone I actually know, always just some miscellaneous character in my head. It doesn’t matter who they are. It matters that he likes them more. And there is always this sick feeling of numbness and defeat, like I can’t be bothered to fight back or win his attention again, and he always, always hides it from me. Sometimes he doesn’t bring it up at all, but I can see that look in his eyes and I just…know. And it’s not even agonising. It’s just…quiet. Quiet and tired and sad. Other times I overhear him talking about it with mutual friends. Telling them not to tell me. Laughing about it. Like I’m stupid. Like I hadn’t already figured it out from the way he looks at them, talks to them. I can’t bear it.
I don’t wake up with a breathless gasp, or a nasty jolt or a cold sweat like I do with some of my other nightmares. I just…wake up. Quietly. He’s still asleep. When he wakes up, I tell him I had a nightmare about it. He asks if I want a hug. I tell him no. I want the comfort, but I can’t accept it from him. Not when he’s the one that hurt me. Even if he didn’t really do it. I know it’s not his fault. I don’t blame him. In the end I always give in and cuddle up to him. It’s just those initial few hours that get to me. I can’t help it. It all feels so real, and when I wake up I can’t look at him the same way.
At the time of writing this, it’s the fourth night in a row. Sometimes there are more than one in the same night. This has been going on for months, but it’s every night now. I don’t know what to do. I take pills. It doesn’t matter which. I had antidepressants but they ran out. I take painkillers now. It doesn’t matter. The end result is all the same. If anything, the painkillers work better. I guess they work for emotional pain as well as physical. I always feel better after taking them. Sometimes, if it’s a really bad one, I’ll take just a little more than I’m supposed to. I know I shouldn’t, but it’s just a precaution. It makes me feel better. I don’t know how else to justify it.
My fiance has the same kind of dream a couple of nights ago. When he woke up he told me about it. He described the exact same feeling I get after those nightmares. The understanding that it wasn’t real, but the feelings are. The understanding that even though I hadn’t really betrayed him, it still felt painful. How difficult it was to think of me the same way. How he didn’t want to touch me or seek comfort in me because in his head, at least for a little while, I was the reason he needed comfort in the first place. And he looked so scared and lonely. I knew exactly what he meant. I didn’t tell him about my nightmare that morning. I didn’t take the pills either. I should have taken them. I think I’ll just take double the amount today to make up for it. I haven’t told him about last night, either. I don’t want to. I just want to take the pills and make it go away. He shouldn’t have to deal with this. Every fucking night it’s something with me.i can’t keep doing this. I need to take more pills. I need to make it stop.
And I mean, fuck, maybe it’s not even me. He had the dream too. Maybe something is doing it on purpose. Something that hates me. Maybe it’s latching on to him too. I think I need to keep him away from me. I’m hurting him by being too close. It’s going to get him too. It’s all my fault. I got too close. It’ll hurt him.
I have to fix this. I have to take more pills. I have to get rid of everything. God. It’s me, isn’t it? I don’t know know how to make it stop. But I know where to start. I’ll take more pills. Painkillers to kill the pain. As many as it takes. I have to get rid of this poison in me. There’s poison in me. It’s going to poison him too if I don’t kill it.
I think I’ll bleed it out. Get it all out of my system. It shouldn’t be too hard. Just a little at a time until it’s all gone. Until I’ve drained it all out if my veins. The painkillers will help. It won’t hurt that way. I can get rid of more at a time if the pain isn’t in the way.
Maybe whatever is hunting me will leave us alone then. Hell, I could use the blood as a…as a deterrent, or a distraction. I can throw it off track. I’ll spread it around further and further away to confuse it. Just a few cups here and there. It won’t know any different, right? I think I’ll do that. I’m going to get rid of it all.
I need more pills.