August 21th, I will never forget, he followed me to the bathroom and did that to me
“Do you like it, bitch?” He said.
I felt dirty, sitting on the bathroom floor, crying and vomiting, with nobody to comfort me. I was drunk, so I don’t remember much after that, but I woke up in some alleyway, alone, without my wallet.
It is true, I’ve been pretty reckless, doing drugs, alcohol and everything in between almost every day. When I was home, alone, I just felt empty, like there was a void inside my heart, I was numb all the time.
I don’t believe on the Christianity God, I do believe though, in some kind of divine being, making its interventions when it wants, and as they say, God writes right with crooked lines.
Some days after the thing in the bathroom, I notice I didn’t had my period, that’s when I got worried, quickly got some spare change together and bought a pregnancy test. When I looked at those two lines, I didn’t feel nothing, I was numb as always, it took some time for my brain to really register it, but eventually it did, and I got anxious, my body was consumed by dread, and my head contaminated by dark thoughts. But the next day all of these feelings left, and I was… happy?
For the first time, I had something, my life had some purpose, I was never the suicidal type, but I just didn’t care about my life, this was my chance to mean something, to be useful, to be a mother.
I didn’t tell anyone, and life continued as it was, but now at home I didn’t feel that much empty inside. And for the first time in forever, I cleaned my small apartment, did the all chores, and after that I slept like a baby.
I stopped with the constant partying, the drugs and drinks, and quickly all the people I called friends just disappeared, but I didn’t care at all, I was happy now.
The baby needed a name, I already had one that came to my heart, Alex, it was perfect, a neutral name, would fit a boy or a girl. Unfortunately I didn’t know the name of the father, this bothered me, but I didn’t need to know, it wasn’t important, God did not intend for me to know, He just placed that child inside me, and used that man for it, and I’ll be always grateful for that.
I painted my bedroom and now the baby room as well green, a neutral color I felt the baby would like, green meant nature, life, all the things God created for us, full of purpose and meaning, it was beautiful, I felt like I was in a forest inside that room, even painted some trees.
I bought some toys, dolls, cars, mermaids toys, superheros toys, every sort of cheap toy I could afford I bought for the baby.
I didn’t tell no one I was pregnant, my family didn’t like me, but I know they would be happy when they saw the baby, In my mind I could imagine it already, the prettiest thing ever, just like an angel.
Almost four months in, that’s when it happened, I couldn’t sleep at night, I felt every kind of fever and pain imaginable, I couldn’t help but scream, and when I looked at my bed, all I could see was blood, so much blood, So I got to the bathroom and sat on the toilet, I never felt a pain like this before, it was something I couldn’t even describe, it felt like my uterus was opening and stretching, like it was vomiting. It was so painful that I passed out, and when I woke up it finally stopped. I was relieved, the pain had gone away, but it still felt weird inside. I was going to flush it, but something inside me just wanted to look at what came from my body, look at all that blood, it felt nauseating but I needed to look. The first thing I noticed was the smell, the most horrible indescribable odor I ever smelled, so I covered my nose and layed me eyes inside the toilet, and there it was, what I saw changed my life forever, it was it, it was Alex, my baby had come early for me, it didn’t felt real, I passed out again.
After regaining consciousness, I took it out of the toiled, it was a girl and she was so small, so pretty, so cute. I ran some water through it, being careful to not hurt her sensible skin. Getting to bed again I placed her by my side and slept so happy, I was crying tears of joy, my life finally made sense.
Waking up the next day, the first thing I did was call my parents and tell them my baby had born, they got so happy, and wanted to see it now, they asked a lot of questions, but I didn’t answer then, I told them it was better for them to see it themselves, and that I could see them in a week, I just needed to buy the bus ticket, and gladly they sent me the money to pay for it.
It was the happiest week of my life, me and my baby did everything together, I even bought one of those baby strollers and carried her everywhere! I knew she was the cutest baby ever because people always looked at her, and then at me, wondering how this ugly lady made this beautiful baby, her father must’ve been pretty, I couldn’t take a good look at him at that bathroom.
Alex was quite shy, she didn’t cry or talk, and she as pretty lazy as well, she didn’t move a lot, probably would grow up to be a chubby one, but maybe not, she weirdly didn’t ate a lot, and for some reason my breasts were not producing milk, so I had to buy her milk from the store, I don’t think she liked it that much.
Finally, they day to take my bus and meet my parents arrived, I packed everything and ran with her to the bus station.
In the bus, at the way to their home I noticed I forgot to give her a shower, and people probably could smell her, she was stinking a little bit, a lot of people looked at us.
Now, finally arriving at my parents house, they were so happy to see me, I hugged them both. To be a little bit suspenseful I closed the stroller so I could open in front of them, like a gift, our gift, my gift.
“Open it!” I said. and they placed their hand carefully around the stroller, opening it slowly. But when they saw my baby, the looks on their face weren’t of happiness or anything good, it was a look of pure disgust, my mom even puked.
“Is this a sick joke?” My dad asked, and we started to argue, argue a lot, we were screaming. He asked if I did it, if I had aborted it just to make a sick prank with them, I would never do it.
I ran away with the baby, ran as fast as I could, bought a expansive bus ticket and got home again, why were they mad at me? And mostly important, why were they mad at my baby?
Arriving home, I gave the baby a shower and talked to her, as always, she didn’t answer.
I stopped to think, was my baby wrong in some way? I know it came out a little bit early, but it was there, breathing, I mean, I placed my head against her heart to feel the breathing, it wasn’t breathing. I got so worried, dread consumed my body again, she never breathed, my baby was born dead. Really deep, buried inside, my subconscious knew it, but I couldn’t accept it, I needed to do something. I needed to get it back.
I tried, I really tried to put it back in one piece, but it just did not go through my throat, she was to big to fit in. I cried a lot, but I had another idea, if I cut her down to pieces, my body would consume her and she would be able to grow again, and this time she would not come out early, and if she did, I would repeat this process, how many times it was needed.
So I got a knife, and tried to cut her in small pieces, but I couldn’t, her skeleton had developed enough already and it was strong, in desperation I got a thick book and slammed against her body, I was crying, It was horrible, but it needed to be done, I hit her with it again, again, and again, until she was just a gooey mess. I cut her down, the sound it made was horrible, then after I swallowed her, but I vomited, my body was refusing, but I tried it again, and again, my apartment floor was a mess of dark green and red fluids.
I did not panic, I had another idea, and this time, it would work. If I opened my belly, and placed her there, she would be able to grow again, so I took the sharp knife I was going to use to cut her, and I quickly stabbed my belly, It was so painful but slowly I continued slicing it up, so she would be able to fit, the pain was unbearable, I almost passed out.
Finally I opened it. I got her and tried to stuff her in my insides, into my body, it worked.
Laying on the floor, hurting so much, my baby was inside me again, now this time she would come out fully and complete, a true healthy baby.
I was tired, so I tried to grab my pillow, but i couldn’t get up, so I just closed my eyes and slept there, on the floor.
This time my baby will come out right.