I was married, she was the love of my life; when I first met Jessica it was like finding my soulmate. It didn’t take long for us to move in with each other and soon we got married. It was the happiest time of my life; all three months of it, unfortunately we were in a car accident and my Jessica, well, she didn’t make it. At first I didn’t even know what had happen; the collision was awful and I was flung out of the car through the windshield; my skull practically caved in while the rest of my body shattered, although this is what saved me. I was in the passenger seat and my Jessica was driving, she always was the responsible one; seeing me not wearing a seat belt bothered her and she pestered me to no ends to wear one. I joked around and pulled on the belt as if I were going to secure into place only to retreat it back, I did this several times giggling knowing how immature I was acting.
At first she laughed along but then got serious, I saw her eyebrows dip down with a bit of annoyance and her beautiful smile that I was utterly enchanted with turned into a frown. This is when we started to argue, I told her that I didn’t care to wear one and that she shouldn’t be so controlling, as you can guess she didn’t like that answer. This is when the shouting escalated, I noticed that she started to swerve a bit as her attention was on me, I tried to get her to look at the road but that’s all it took, mere seconds; seconds that have the formidable power to change your life. The last memory I have was the frighten face of the love of my life; then nothing, just pure darkness. I don’t even remember dreaming it was as if I was lost in a void of emptiness, nothing mattered, time seized to exist, I drifted endlessly in the vacuum of space and that’s when I slowly began to see a light, a vague one in the distance that only grew stronger as it pulsated towards me. Eventually the light showered me in it’s warmth overwhelming my senses, I felt a tingling sensation erupt up my back and that’s when I woke up.
Apparently I was in a coma, looking around the empty room; everything felt foreign; tubes protruded from different orifices of my body as a steady beeping from the heart monitor engulfed the desolated space. Looking around the dimly lit room I realized it was night time, the corridor laid still and silent, I tried to turn my neck to see if anyone was close but I found it difficult seeing I had a neck brace tightly clamped unto me; though I could hear a faint whimpering coming from behind a dividing curtain that was in the middle of the room.
”H..h..e…hello?” I yelped out with a muffled tone; a feeding tube was shoved down my throat making it hard for me to even make a sound.
I laid in bed for the rest of the night not being able to attract any attention, I was hoping for some night nurse to show up and check on me but that never happened. So instead I spent most of the night trying to figure out how I had even gotten here, not in my wildest nightmares did I even think Jessica was not okay, in fact I was hoping she would visit me in the morning and perhaps explain to me how I had gotten here. Though glimpses of her terrified face echoed through my thoughts but only for a split moment, I still didn’t piece together what we went through. So throughout the night I did my best not to choke on the tube that was wedged firmly down my throat as I tried to move, well, any part of my body. I was able to move my fingers a bit, they felt weak and that tingling sensation I once had in my back now was gone, in fact, I couldn’t feel anything below my chest. I tried to move my feet, focusing my energy on wiggling a toe but nothing happened, panic set in knowing I was trapped in an unmovable body and all I could do is softly weep until day break.
As the sun arose I could hear the faint sounds of people moving around the once quiet hospital, them walking through the corridors; the sounds of their foot steps bouncing off the light grey walls traveling into my room. This is when I started gasping out any coherent noise I could manifest, trying to attract their attention, I was desperately calling out for help but I only could mutter gurgling sounds. Finally a passing nurse walked by and saw me jiving my head around as I gasped out for air; the feeding tube seemed to be slipping further down my throat. She promptly ran towards me bewildered that I was awake, she seemingly didn’t know what to do, her hands jumping around to different locations of my body, my stare locked into her eyes trying to show her that I needed this dam tube removed from my mouth. My message was conveyed as she grasped at the tube and told me to hold still, that this would be unpleasant.
I tried to clench my palms into a fist but it was useless; so instead I tightly shut my eyes as slight tears slipped down my defeated face. The nurse slowly counted to three, with each count my heart throbbed intensely and as she arrived at ‘three’ she pulled the monstrosity out of my mouth, the tube must of been at least 3ft long. I began coughing profusely, my throat sore and I could feel it swelling up but finally I was able to breath properly and I inhaled as much oxygen that my lungs allowed me; savoring every second. This is when the nurse told me to relax that she would get the doctor, before leaving she smiled and told me that she was glad that I had finally awoke.
It took the doctor awhile to show up, in my frantic state all I could do is stare at the ceiling, catching people passing by my room in my peripheral. I still could hear a muffled sound coming from behind the dividing curtain, with my withered voiced I called out to my room mate.
“H…h…h…hi t..there” I whimpered out with a raspy tone.
Perhaps I didn’t say it loud enough, maybe the person too was in a coma but I got no response, though I could hear that obscure sound getting a little louder.
“Are you awake too?” I spouted out this time with a more dominating tone.
The whimpering intensified it was clear this person could hear me and they too were trying to get my attention, that’s when the doctor finally showed up. I tried pointing towards the curtain, telling the doctor about the patient on the other side being awake as well. He grabbed at my torso and told me to relax, to breath deeply.
“You don’t understand they’re awake too” I yelped out as I nodded my head towards the curtain.
The doctor then looked at the dividing wall a bit mystified then turned back to me expressing his befuddlement.
“You’re the only patient in the room” he told me.
I didn’t understand how that was possible, I clearly heard the dire attempts of someone else trying to get my attention. The doctor didn’t entertain my delusion and instead focused on me, asking me a plethora of questions; how I felt, what I could feel, what I could remember. I told him the truth, that I didn’t remember anything and that my body was no longer my own, judging from his look of concern I knew this wasn’t good. I asked him about Jessica and at first he didn’t know who I was talking about, he then looked over my medical record, I could see his eyes drop with sadness. That’s when he told me what had happened, about the accident, but worse he told me that my Jessica didn’t make it. I cried the best I could, tears cascaded down my battered face but only faint noises could escape my mouth as my chest barely pulsated up and down.
The doctor left me alone with my thoughts after that, knowing that I needed to process everything that I’ve learned, the love of my life gone, control over my own body gone, any future utterly gone; I was now paralyzed and alone. As one might of guest I spent most of the night sobbing trying to remember the events that led up to the destruction of my world, pasting together small moments only to get complete brain fog. I don’t even remember falling asleep that night and if I did I didn’t dream, this became a common theme; I was no longer able to dream. The doctors told me it had something to do with brain damage or the coma I couldn’t really follow along with the medical talk nor did I really care, in all honesty I just wanted to be put out of my misery. Besides Jessica, I had no family, my parents were long gone and I was an only child; knowing that I was thrown into such a world of pain left me bitter, lashing out to any nurse that would come in to bathe or feed me. Eventually I gained control over my arms, it was tiring but after months of rehabilitation I was able to feed myself but that was the extent of my own power, my legs were useless.
As the months passed I stayed in assistant living, I was never a man of money so the only place I could afford was one that was subsided by the government which should tell you all you needed to know of how I lived. Though, I didn’t really care, sometimes I would be left in my own filth for hours it didn’t bother me, in fact I always hoped I would get some life threatening infection so I could finally be with my Jessica. I was always irritated, any one that tried to talk to me I would give them grief, I quickly became an old bitter grandpa at the ripe age of 29; I think most couldn’t blame me because of what I went through.
Honestly I was always exhausted, I never got any good sleep up until this point I was still unable to dream, my brain couldn’t function the way it was suppose to reach R.E.M. sleep, so naturally I never felt rested. I think this was a big part of why I was always short tempered, I pleaded the with doctors to help me, give me some medicine, treatment, but more importantly give me some hope. This is when I met the man with oddly large glasses, he came into my room one day with my doctor, it was explained to me that I was the perfect candidate for some sleep study one that would help fix my sleep issue. At first I didn’t know what to think of the whole thing, I found the man with glasses quite odd something about his demeanor was off putting, especially his smile, it seemed too large for his moon shaped head; it practically consumed most of his face. Maybe I was just too tired, perhaps I was making this an issue when I didn’t need to; after all I was willing to end it all so why not give this a chance.
“Have you’ve heard of ‘lucid dreaming’?” the strange man asked.
I wasn’t too sure of what that was and a bewildered expression conquered my gaze as both my doctor and the odd man studied me.
“I don’t know what that is ‘doc’ but if you can help me get some good rest again then I’m in” I told the bizarre man.
He then explained to me that the sleep study he was conducting wasn’t focused on helping people like me dream again, rather, they were in search for candidates that didn’t dream at all since that was the only way they could force a lucid dream, a dream where you were aware that it was just a dream. I think I remember experiencing one when I was a kid, I remember I was able to fly around the world, looking down at the wonderment of nature; funny enough there were never other people in the deserted world I travelled in. The odd man then told me that in doing this study that they would implant some microchip in my brain, apparently the procedure was non-invasive but quickly I grew apprehensive. I think he saw my reservation and before I could mutter out the words ‘no’ he told me something that quickly changed my mind.
“Imagine if you could control your dreams then you would always be able to see her”.
It didn’t take me long to figure out who the man was referring too.
“Jessica?” I whimpered out.
After he told me that; I was sold, if I could see the love of my life once again albeit in the dream world then I was in.
The procedure was quick, like the doc said it was non-invasive I thought they were going to pry open my noggin but it was some device that literally clipped onto my my head almost like a magnet, no wires, no cutting, no blood; apparently the system was wireless. I didn’t even know such technology existed, none the less I was excited to get the study started, I just wanted to see her; I could feel my heart throbbing from the sheer thought of being able to see that smile I was so enamored with. The odd man give me a laptop to note everything that happened, every event no matter how inconsequential it might seem, I wasn’t too sure what he thought I would encounter I mean it was a dream that supposedly I was going to control right? The instructions to get started was simple, I wasn’t going to have some team of weirdos monitoring me, instead, the same laptop was going to record my dreams; I found that to be a bit weird I mean what happens if I wanted to get you know, intimate in my dream; why not if I’m able to control it. The idea made me shutter knowing that these creeps would be reviewing my private life but it didn’t matter if they wanted to watch then so be it. To get started I had to initiate some program called ‘POE’.
‘What a strange name’, I remember thinking.
Once the program was active lights pulsated on the screen, for whatever reason those lights seemed familiar; luckily they built in background sounds to help me fall asleep. To be honest I was too anxious to fall asleep, well that and the device that was strapped to my head, it was uncomfortable. I must of laid in bed for hours as the lights from the screen danced around the walls of my small room, I became a bit impatient waiting for slumber to invade me and contemplated the idea of calling for the night nurse to bring me some sleep aides. I pressed the call button on the side of my bed impatiently as thoughts of my Jessica swirled around my soul, for whatever reason I felt an odd sensation of somber engulf my thoughts as I laid back down in my bed waiting for the nurse to arrive.
That’s when I heard her approaching, her foot steps slamming against the marble floors of the corridor, the sound thundering around me; it made me feel a bit uneasy. I couldn’t tell you why but my once enthusiasm morphed into trepidation the closer she got to my room, with each heavy slam of her footstep my heart pounded more intensely. To make matters worse the dimly lit corridor seemed darker than usual, I raised the upper part of my body staring deeply into the desolated hallway, breathing in heavy and that’s when I realized it was the nurses unusually massive shadow that blocked out any visible light. I could feel beads of sweat form on my brow as my breathing only escalated and before she arrived at my doorway I laid back down and pretended to be asleep.
I couldn’t tell you why I did that, I just knew that I didn’t want to see who ever stood at the entrance. I slowly opened my eye lids just enough to get a peek of the nurse and to my astonishment she was now at the foot of my bed, hovering over me; her silhouette standing taller than usual. I tried to shut my eyes but soon I could feel her crawling on to my bed, I tried to raise my arms in protest but couldn’t move; I did my best to scream but only whimpers escaped my mouth as she climbed on top of me, tears slipped down my face as I felt my heart pounding. That’s when I focused on the laptop, it’s light was still flickering; the sounds were still reverberating off the walls and I did my best to listen, I could feel calmness instill me then she was gone. I was able to move my arms again after that and I looked around the room terrified at what the hell just happened.
As requested I noted every detail I could remember about the occurrence in the laptop, apparently what I experienced was something called ‘sleep paralysis’ I’ve never heard of it before but I knew it was something I never wanted to experience again. It took practice but eventually I was able to fall asleep on command, I would start the ‘POE’ program and rest my head, I would think of Jessica as the sooth sounds of harmony cradled me to sleep. At first I was able to achieve R.E.M. sleep - a pleasure in it’s self - but I couldn’t awake within the dream, in all honesty I couldn’t remember what I would dream of but whatever it was it must of been unpleasant since I would always wake up dripping of sweat with my heart beating thunderously. By this point I could tell how frustrated the man with large glasses was becoming, disappointed that I wasn’t able to achieve whatever goal he sought out to research, but I didn’t care I felt more rested than I’ve had been in almost a year; the only thing I felt empty about was the reality that I still couldn’t see my Jessica. Although that changed when I received a new room mate; one that I was not expecting.
I didn’t get to see who it was, I woke up from whatever nightmare I must of had the night before as my drenched hand reached for the laptop to note anything I remembered which was nothing. That’s when I saw the dividing curtain, it looked oddly familiar
“Hello?” I called out.
I got no answer, by now I’ve learned how to cater for myself and I gathered my wheelchair beside my bed and slouched down on to it with a heavy thud, I then rolled myself to the curtain; I could hear who ever was on the other side wheezing out in disgust, gurgling sounds engulfing my hearing.
“Hello?” I called out once more, but still nothing.
I grabbed at the curtain with my hand and was ready to peel the veil off wanting to know who was my new room mate, I could hear the whimpering intensify the closer I got and right before stripping the curtain to the side my doctor entered the room. He told me that the patient was similar to me, a poor soul that had lost many things but more importantly they were hoping they too would be a perfect candidate for the ‘POE’ program.
I left the person be and figured if they ever wanted to talk they could, I was a willingly listener, funny enough because of the sleep I had been getting my grumpiness seemed to be evaporating a bit, I didn’t feel as nihilistic as I usually did. I took this as a sign of acceptance maybe that’s what I needed all along, accept the reality that I’ve found myself in rather than trying to live in the past before the trauma, either way I felt more at ease with myself and understanding that I would never reach a lucid dream to see my Jessica was a truth I needed to understand. I use to hate it when I was wrong, through out my life I was certain of many things I was a bit condescending and when people would point out my fallacies I always turned the other way not wanting to acknowledge them, so discovering that I was wrong about never being able to achieve a lucid dream was nothing less than divine intervention because that same night I finally reached my goal.
So like usual I started the ‘POE’ software, the sounds encapsulated my small room, which made me pause for a moment hoping that the sounds didn’t disturb my new neighbor; but hearing the moans and gurgle sounds coming from the other side of the curtain I didn’t think they cared. As I laid in bed staring up at the ceiling I could see the pulsating lights paint the ceiling with an ambrosia of sweet colors, the more I stared it seemed like it was painting an image for me and soon that’s what happened. The flickering lights generated a beautiful seaside beach view, the sounds of crashing waves made it all more real and as I reached my arms towards the alluring image I crashed right through it as if I was entering a world that had been hidden from me; I was now at the beach.
It was remarkable, I could feel the breeze brush against my cheek as the aroma of flowers permeated around me, I started laughing uncontrollably realizing that this was a dream; one I was now awake in. Though even more enchanting was the fact I was walking, I was standing on my own two legs; tears of joy streamed down my face as I sprinted around the beach savoring every step. Soon my running morphed into only what I could describe as gliding and eventually I found myself flying, I was roaming around the beach side with ease I felt pure bliss immerse my mind. That’s when I remembered about my love, where was she, I pondered on the question and knew I had full control of this realm; that I just needed to focus on her. I landed back onto the beach and shut my eyes tightly doing my best to manifest the love of my life, envisioning her sitting calmly over looking the ocean as her beautiful long brown hair flowed with grace in the ocean breeze. As I slowly opened my eyes, there she was just as I imagined; sitting on the sand in a white dress as she over looked the crashing waves. I ran towards her calling out for her to notice me, but my voice was muffled; she wouldn’t turn to look at me and the closer I got I noticed an odd sound; it was that wheezing, the sounds of gurgling erupted around me and with that I woke up.
As I came to I was extremally irritated with my new room mate for disturbing my sleep but jovial that I got to see my Jessica for the first time in almost year, I was practically giggling from glee and I quickly reached for my laptop ready to note everything I experienced. After that first ‘lucid dream’ it became easier, each night I repeated the process of starting the ‘POE’ program waiting for the flickering lights to reveal a new world to me. My annoying neighbor never said a word no matter how many times I attempted to communicate with them, all I ever got were suppressed sounds but I didn’t care; I was now able to see the love of my life more frequently in fact on a regular basis. Though, she wasn’t quite the same in my dreams, every time I would talk to her she seemed distant, her body present but her soul was missing; it didn’t matter, I would embrace her each night in my arms with no intentions of ever letting go, I didn’t even bother doing anything else; I didn’t try to fly or run I would just stand there hugging her for I can only imagine was hours.
It was a fabulous month of just being with my Jessica before something strange started to happen, now in my world when I would hold the love of my life she would blankly stare at me, any visible of human resemblance was gone and no matter how much I focused on trying to make her more life like nothing changed. Also she started whispering something to herself, I tried listening to what she was saying but couldn’t quite make out what it was, it kind of sounded like gibberish. This went on for several days until her whispers escalated to coherent sounds, something that left me with utter bewilderment.
“A dream within a dream” is what she was saying, I could clearly now make it out.
“What are you talking about?” I asked her but she didn’t reply back in any coherent way rather, she continued chanting the same words with an emotionless stare.
After a few nights, I got use to the rhythmic tone of words and just ignored them as I held her tightly in my arms, understanding this wasn’t real but only as real as I allowed it to be.
“A dream within a dream”
Yes babe, ‘a dream within a dream’ I repeated back to her now finding endearment in the words. This is when something quite bizarre happened the usual vibrant sounds of the ocean stopped, in fact all noise was vacant except for Jessica repeating her words. Looking around, the clouds seemed to be imploding within themselves revealing a darken sky absent of any light and all the shadows that hid behind rocks and trees seemed to be gravitate towards each other, each one colliding into the other as the mystifying object only grew in stature. A feeling of dread embodied me, one that felt familiar like the day I had that horrid ‘sleep paralysis’ nightmare, I turned back to Jessica frighten wanting comfort from whatever entity was forming in the distance. I turned away from it not wanting to see what the hell it was, but all I could hear were grunts and snarls coming from the being. I held Jessica tightly and sheltered my gaze from it not wanting to turn around, I could feel my heart rate accelerate the closer that thing got to me and without any reason I woke up.
I was drenched, I felt the room spinning as I gathered myself to reach for the laptop; I could hear my room mate making his usual sounds which felt a bit comforting. I reported everything that I experienced and tried my best to shake off the trepidation that had now formed in my mind.
After that nightmare, the times I would visit Jessica that dark figure seemed to appear quicker than the night prior; almost as if the monster knew how to break my defenses. After a couple weeks of this I dreaded falling asleep, knowing that beast would eventually catch up to me and I did my best to stay awake, slapping myself anytime I felt a bit drowsy. This wasn’t taken to well by the sleep study, the man with large glasses was intrigued at my progress and demanded me to continue on as usual. The only thing I could do was type my experiences in the laptop now finding comfort in doing so, as if it were my own personal journal.
With much persistence from the sleep study I decided to enter the dream world once again, initiating the ‘POE’ software. As before I found myself on a beach, Jessica was there repeating her usual words as the once beautiful vibrant environment was now desolated with a void of darkness, I could feel the presence of that menacing creature almost immediately and swallowed my own fear forcing myself to stay in this nightmarish world longer. The man with large glasses wanted me to confront the entity; he wanted to know how it looked like, how it moved, but more alarming was the fact that he wanted me to let it invade me. So as the dark figure presented itself, I stood strong and did not run away, I tried looking at it; but it was just a blur; like those censor blocks you would see on T.V. when they hide some ones identity.
“What do you want?” I shouted at the creature but it remain absent of any language instead it’s sinister growls bombarded my ears as I could visibly feel myself tremble from terror.
The dark figure glided towards me with disfigured movements, devouring all colors as it passed leaving behind a void of destruction in it’s path. I could feel that same sensation of dread I once had the time the night nurse crawled on top of me, I felt my chest become heavy, my breathing more shallow but before it could reach me I heard a chime. I think it might of scared the creature because it too stopped when the sound rung out and that’s when I opened my eyes.
I looked around the room, different vibrant colors ricocheted off the walls as the ‘POE’ software continued projecting it’s odd color patterns. I could still hear my neighbor groaning from behind the curtain and in the moment I was relieved to be awake away from that monster, but I wasn’t too keen on falling back to sleep, memories of having no R.E.M. sleep haunted me knowing at least back then I was safe. I reached over for my laptop ready to document the new experience not knowing how I would even describe the being from my nightmare, as I scrolled over to the note section I saw I had an incoming message.
“That’s weird, I haven’t seen that before.” I murmured to myself.
I guided the mouse over to the mail icon and clicked open the request, to my bewilderment it was a message from an anonymous user, my curiosity was peaked so I opened the chat box. My eyes widened with pure astonishment,
”A dream within a dream” it read.
I didn’t know what to think, I was confounded on what this person meant.
“Who is this?” I typed back.
Quickly I got a response but not the one I was hoping for, one that explained to me who this person was instead, I got one that was a bit more cryptic.
“Look behind the curtain”.
My eyes cautiously turned to the curtain, I could feel the pricks of anxiety erupting up my back; but something about the request felt normal as if I needed to peel back the curtain; something I had been wanting to do. I reached my arm over the protective rail of my bed to grab at my wheelchair but felt nothing. I then looked off the bed and couldn’t see my chair anywhere.
‘ding’
Another message came through.
“Look behind the curtain” it once again read.
I typed back with a bit of frustration.
“I don’t know where my chair is” I told the person.
I looked over at the curtain and could still hear my room mate gurgling and wheezing.
‘ding’
“You don’t need one, just walk over there” they told me.
This angered me quite a bit, now knowing this was some cruel prank perhaps done by the night staff, I almost felt like throwing my laptop to the floor raising it over my head but then felt the most strange feeling and it was coming from my feet. It was that bizarre feeling you get whenever you leg falls asleep, the sensation of needle pricks stabbing away at your dead limb, well that’s what I felt and that’s when I lowered the laptop and looked at the message again.
“…just walk over there”.
I then placed my laptop back down on the night stand that stood next to my bed, I lowered the guard rails and stared at the floor it must of been no higher than 3ft but from the trepidation that I felt it seemed more like a vastness of space. I then wiggled my toes, my mouth gaped open with befuddlement; how was this possible. I then slid over my legs off the bed and placed both feet on the floor, the cold feeling soothed my soul as I smiled and I then stood to my feet. I was standing, I looked around with amazement and then took a baby step towards my room mate. I carefully walked over to the curtain scared that I would collapse at any moment, I then grabbed at the dividing wall breathing in heavy. I shoved aside the curtain and stood frozen with wonderment at what I saw, it was Jessica; she laid in bed asleep. Tubes protruding from different parts of her body as a heart monitor steadily beeped. I noticed she had that same device I had for the ‘POE’ software attached to her head. I didn’t know what was happening, how was any of this possible, this couldn’t be real.
‘ding’
I turned to the laptop and once again the user sent me another message.
“A dream within a dream”.
Then I noticed the room became darker, the feeling of dread inundated my senses, I knew what was happening, it was that creature but how?
‘ding’
The computer chimed again, I looked down at the screen
“Run and I love you”.
Without hesitation I grabbed the laptop and ran out of the room, down the hall, I screamed out for help but saw no one. I can’t explain what’s happening to me, I don’t know if the ‘POE’ program damaged my brain, perhaps the sleep study is messing with my thoughts; after all the thing is connected to my head and I always feel like someone is following me. I need to go back to the clinic and save my Jessica, find out why she was there I know it’s risky; I know the man with large glasses is out looking for me and maybe worse perhaps that beast is after me as well. It doesn’t matter, I don’t know how I could of left the love of my life there, all I have now is this laptop and I will continue to write my notes hoping someone perhaps can help. Has anyone heard of the ‘POE’ sleep program? If so maybe you know how I can save my Jessica, please anyone help us.