I’ve always been interested in psychology – particularly in its research aspect. The human mind’s ability to make a person aware of the world around them and their experiences, to make them think and feel, to make them do specific actions when they want to or even when they don’t want to, has always fascinated me. Without our thoughts, emotions, and behaviour, we simply survive, but our mind enables us to thrive, allowing us to grow, develop and prosper.
Ever since I was 13, I’ve been constantly trying to gather more knowledge on psychology, buying psych books with my own pocket money, reading in libraries, joining the Psychology Club in my high school, and so on. Naturally, it wasn’t a surprise when I decided to pursue psychology as my career.
When I was in university, during the last semester of my Bachelor’s in Neuropsychology, I tried my best to volunteer in research programs to gain more experience (as well as some extra credits). Dr Laurier was one of my professors at that time, and he was working on some programs in which the students were allowed to participate. I decided to step forward and volunteer, and I was quickly filled in on the details. Experiments were being held to study if chromesthesia can be deliberately developed, some harmless tests would be done on us, the observations would be recorded and then we’d get extra credits as well as experience on how these experiments are done. Well, all of it seemed exciting so I agreed.
For those of you who don’t know, chromesthesia is a type of synaesthesia, it’s a condition where sound involuntarily causes an individual to perceive colour. It isn’t a disease or a disorder, it’s simply a trait, which, to be honest, is quite cool. I was asked to fill out some forms with personal details, such as my age, height, weight, medical records, and other related stuff. I had to sign some documents agreeing to the tests, which I did sign after reading thoroughly. All the procedures mentioned seemed harmless - I’d be made to listen to different songs each day with subliminal messages layered underneath the music or given microdoses of LSD, THC, psilocybin and so on, I’d be asked to perform daily brain exercises or undergo hypnosis sessions, basically harmless fun y’know?
These procedures would be done daily for 2 months, then the observations would be recorded at the end, I’d get paid with extra credits and a good amount of cash, and (hopefully) a cool new trait if the experiment did work. On the first day, I was asked to show up at the research facility in the evening. I arrived on time and was taken to a room with a few other participants, all of us were made to sit on a chair and given a pair of headphones and were instructed to put them on. I obliged, and the headphones started playing some music. We were asked to concentrate fully on the music and were given some water to drink. After exactly one and a half hours, the headphones were removed and we were taken to another room to perform some brain exercises. That day, we were asked to attempt the Stroop Color and Word Test, nothing fancy, and all of us were done within around 5 minutes. Then, we were allowed to go back home.
This went on for nine whole weeks. I’d report to the research lab every evening, spend around 2 hours there, and then I would go back and spend the rest of the night normally. I was given microdoses of drugs or made to listen to music every alternate day, hypnosis sessions were held every three days, and I had to perform brain exercises every day, they got progressively harder and they were all related to colour to word association. There were minimal side effects, except for the occasional mild headache that came with the hypnosis sessions. The micro doses of drugs improved my mood, focus and performance in my studies and the gym.
And soon enough, it started working. 2 weeks into these experiments, I was able to visualise a new colour each time a song played. And in every single session, there was a brand-new playlist with completely new songs which I’d never heard before. A few seconds into each song, a new colour would pop up in my mind. The colours just came naturally, Rock songs looked ox-blood, Pop looked seafoam, and Country was spruce blue, but surprisingly, Blues songs weren’t any shade of blue, they were beige. Gradually, I started visualising colours when different words were read out, for example, “love” was a shade of blood orange. Different people’s voices were of different colours, my girlfriend Aria’s voice was coral, my mom’s voice was sage, and my dad’s was frost white. I spent a lot of time researching colours and their shades to pinpoint the exact hues that I was able to perceive now.
All of these abilities did not occur overnight, obviously, but by the end of nine weeks, I was able to visualise the world with a new perspective. It did take some time to get used to my newly acquired skills, but within a few months, I was all set to go.
At the end of the research program, I was given my well-deserved extra credits and cash. What went on behind the scenes was quite transparent, and I could also see how all of it worked. However, before this research could’ve been officially published, Mr Laurier had a car accident and passed away. I was quite upset about it, obviously, but I eventually moved on.
I started my Master’s program soon and the years went by quickly. Currently, I’m doing my PhD in the neuropsychological field, and life has been going pretty smoothly. I recently got engaged to Aria and I’ve been conducting my own research on synaesthesia. However, nine months back, something strange happened. I’d gone to visit my childhood friend, Luca for his housewarming party. Usually, whenever I heard Luca’s voice, I saw a bright shiny copper. But this time I couldn’t talk to him without feeling uneasy, because this time I saw something different. I saw a colour which is very hard to describe. It was like trying to look at something right behind you without turning your head, like trying to look at something without your eyes, with the back of your head instead. It was what a blind person would see, or what a dead person would ‘see’, if only they could ‘see’. It wasn’t black, far from it. It was something beyond the colour spectrum visible to humans. It was there, but it wasn’t there at the same time. It was a colour, but it also was nothing at all. Simply trying to comprehend it made me get a headache, so I tried my best to leave early.
I thought it was strange, but I decided I was just stressed out and tried going to bed. The next morning, I felt fine and things went back to normal quickly.
Exactly a week later, Luca died from a heart attack. He’d always had a weak heart. I was heartbroken, we’d been friends for 20 years and losing him was very painful. After his death, I got diagnosed with depression, the pain was too painful to handle.
Six months passed; I went to meet my grandaunt Dorothy who lived a few towns away. She was a ripe old age of 82. Whenever I talked to her, I always saw claret, but this time, I saw the colour of nothingness, death once again. This time, I started feeling dizzy and anxious, this sudden colour shift was always a bad omen. I tried to get away from her as soon as possible, afraid of hurting her even more.
As usual, exactly a week later, she passed. Her cause of death was attributed to old age, but I knew better. It was all my fault. And it made me even more depressed.
It took me a lot of courage, but I learned to live with it. Talking it out with my therapist helped, she was understanding even though I wasn’t sure if she’d ever believed me. I accepted this as a part of me, I learned to cope with it, and I learned to stop blaming myself. I learned to view myself not as the perpetrator, but as a witness to Luca’s and great aunt Dorothy’s deaths. I moved on with my life, but thinking about their deaths feels like salt to an open wound, I still haven’t healed completely, not yet.
Whenever I see that colour when talking with someone, I realise they’re not far from death and try to be extra kind to them. I’ve seen this colour while talking to chance acquaintances, neighbours, co-workers, and all kinds of people. As far as I’ve been able to find out, all of them die in exactly a week.
Well, something happened yesterday which has me scared shitless. I and Aria went out together to the park, to walk our dog, Milo. Aria recorded a video of me playing with Milo, a smile plastered on my face. I felt genuinely happy after months, imagining my future with Aria was pure bliss and knowing that we’re getting married soon made me giggle like a schoolgirl.
Aria sent me the video last night and I clicked ‘Play’. I saw myself, I was standing at one end of the empty park, with Milo at the other end. I flung a frisbee towards him, shouting “Milo, catch!”.
What happened next made a shiver go down my spine, and I immediately clicked on the ‘Pause’ button. Because when I heard my voice, I saw that colour again. The familiar nothingness. I’ve heard my voice in recordings before, and back then I always saw a mulberry purple. Back then, I was quite dissatisfied with it, I felt like that colour just didn’t resonate with me. But now, I’d be happy with any colour, except for that one, the colour of death.
How do I spend the last 7 days of my life?