When I was a lot younger and even more dumb than I am now, I made a film - the one and only film I ever made. And I knew even at the time that I absolutely should not have. But we all do foolish things when young, right? Although this thing, even then, felt like a monumental folly. But I was so desperate I went ahead with it anyway.
Now I know what you think what kind of film it was … well actually I don’t do I? If anyone does bother to read this, well I don’t know you from Adam (not that I know any Adams, either) or Eve, or whoever. So, I don’t know what you’re thinking. I can only guess. Anyway, I’m not going to reveal what kind of film it was. Suffice it to say, it made me hot with a whole lot of negative emotions whenever I recalled it afterwards. But like I said I was desperate at the time.
Now, here’s another thing. Again, I can guess in what sense you think I was desperate. Yes, money. But that was only part of it - and not the biggest part either, not by a long shot. I wanted fame. Yes, isn’t that just pathetic. As if I was going to get any kind of recognition - other than the most dubious kind - from a film like that.
And in the end I didn’t get paid much either. Almost literally peanuts, in fact.
And yet, goddammit, I had the illusion in my head then that this was potentially the start of something BIG.
Well, life didn’t take long to undeceive me on that front, anyhow. I had invested time and energy and emotion and train fares into something that sank from sight almost before it even came into being.
Until now.
It’s re-surfaced. On goddammed YouTube. Decades upon decades later.
Dontcha just love modern technology?
OK, rhetorical question. But I suppose you can guess my not-so-rhetorical answer …
Yes, the guy that made that terrible film - the main producer/director etc has set up a stupid dad account in homage to all the artistic endeavours of his goddammed stupid youth. He’s almost as stupid as me, evidently. In fact, come to think of it he’s even more stupid. I at least had had the sense to keep totally schtum about it all these years.
And now - without any kind of warning whatsoever - he can turn around and serve me such a trick as that! Shit, I hadn’t even known he was still alive. One hell of a way to find out.
And I came upon it in the worst way … totally by accident …
Oh God, I can’t even explain how. But my wife saw it! My children saw it!
Now, I’m no great shakes as a human being even now but I had at least built up a sheen of respectability and conventionality over the years. If my family weren’t glowingly proud of me at least they tolerated me and as yet I had never done anything too awful for them to try to comprehend.
But this …
Oh god.
I’ve hidden myself away since then. Hidden myself away, trying to calm down.
I’m gonna hunt that guy out … I swear … if this thing doesn’t get me first. If I don’t kill myself first.
Kill myself laughing.