I was jolted upright by the sound of my alarm. The clock reads 6:00 a.m. I slam my hand dramatically on the snooze button and let out a sigh for no one to hear. Same time every morning but it never gets easier. I have been an insomniac ever since I was a child, plagued by vivid, detailed, recurring nightmares. It’s as if I live through entire days in some far away land, only to wake up feeling drained and exhausted and ready for a good night’s sleep, one I will never get.
I drag myself out of bed and into the shower. Getting ready for work in a dazed state, my body on autopilot. Looking in the mirror I feel sick, seeing the lines on my face, the clear representation of how much time has passed since I’ve been stuck in this endless loop. The cycle of waking up, going to work, sitting behind a desk in a windowless room until the sun goes down, waiting impatiently for the day to end, so I can go home, alone to do nothing at all. Not daring to think too hard about anything, or to change my dismal routine, for fear that to break myself out of the trance of monotony would mean being forced to face the reality of how truly miserable my existence is, how empty, how lonely. Looking away in disgust I feed my cat, and leave for work.
The day drags on, they all do, but this one in particular. It’s getting harder to ignore the face in the mirror. The pathetic sad face that was once dying to be free, that has now given in to the hopeless knowledge that this is how I will live and how I will die.
Day in, down out. Day in, day out. Wake up, wait for the day to end, restless sleep, repeat. Exhausted, apathetic, hollow. “This is what real depression looks like” I think to myself. I had issues with anxiety, and thoughts of suicide when I was young. I was angry, frustrated, hurt, scared. I felt overwhelmed by my emotions, trauma, deep suffering. I felt something. There was a fight in me. Even if that fight was directed towards the wrong people at all times, even if the fear and anger destroyed any relationships I struggled to develop. I felt something. It was loud. Like a constant screaming in my mind. Like a caged animal trying to claw its way to freedom.
This fight, this rage, this fire within me is dead. The screaming has been replaced by a silence that is somehow louder. The dark racing thoughts replaced with an even darker void of thoughtlessness. The fire consumed by a cold emptiness. The defense mechanisms I created to tolerate the chaos inside of me, may have worked too well. They have quelled the insanity and the rage, the fear and frustration, by hollowing myself out, by emptying my mind, and draining my spirit. Replacing everything I feel with a numb, nothingness. Alone in the void. Left to learn the hard way that that numb quiet loneliness is worse than any pain this life can throw at you.
I would kill myself if I had the energy or drive to bother. Instead, I sit on the couch and scroll through Netflix until I finally fall asleep.
I am suddenly awoken, startled from another horrific nightmare. Whatever pieces are left of my soul, twisted and distorted through years of my forced repression, now monsters that haunt me anytime I seek a moment of rest. You really can’t bury the past. You can try, but it will crawl its way out of the grave to hunt you down, a much greater enemy now than it was when you buried it.
In a sudden moment of impulsivity, I grab the sharpest knife I own and begin filling the bathtub. “This is how it really happens,” I think to myself. Less of the drawn out, planned scenario they show you in movies. The reason why most surviving friends and families talk of a loved one’s suicide being sudden, and without warning. It is hard to fight the survival instinct, engrained deep in the primal mind of all creatures. The more time you have to think about it, the harder it will be. The guilt will creep in, the fear will overtake the desire to end it. It’s a moment of impulsivity, when the fire inside you, the need to be free, the soul that you drowned out through sorrow and a cold apathy towards life, finally wakes up screaming, urging you to make a move, to do something now, before you fall back into the half asleep and half alive state of being you’ve grown so unfortunately accustomed to.
I hold the knife to my wrist. Trying to gather the courage to make sure I succeed. The last thing I wants is to wake up in a hospital, everyone crying and doting over me, all the worst imaginable kind of attention for someone who lives such a solitary life.
“Just fucking do it already!” I scream at the face in the mirror.
“Yeah, just fucking do it!!” Another voice suddenly chimes in.
I let out a shriek as the knife drops to the floor. I pick it back up and turn around holding it out into the air, an empty threat in an empty room.
“Who’s there??” I ask through a shaky panicked voice. “Who said that, who fucking said that?” Fear becoming frustrated anger as a weak attempt by my subconscious to force my body into fight mode.
“Go on, do it. Kill yourself you miserable bitch! Look at yourself, you’re pathetic, what do you have to live for? Just a waste of space on an overcrowded planet. One less sad fuck in line at the grocery store. Do the world a favor you sad little shit.” The voice that spoke was like none I had ever heard. Raspy and harsh, like someone who managed to live 300 years smoking a pack of Marlboro’s a day.
“Hmmmm…HMMM.” The voice clears its throat and coughs a few times, and when it speaks again, the sound is that of a fairly high-pitched tone for a male voice, with a very thick British accent.
“So, errrm sorry I’m late.” the voice says. Why don’t you stop pointing the knife at me and turn it back around, please go on. Don’t stop on my account.”
“What the actual fuck” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “Who are you? How did you get in my apartment??”
“Well, I’m not IN your apartment exactly, see it’s more like I exist in the space between worlds, in a realm of total chaos and I have honed in on your location by the beam of your existential misery so I can sort of fuck with you from the etheric plane, yadda yadda, I honestly don’t know exactly how it works, above my pay grade.”
“Yeah, okay, right and why are you “fucking with me from the etheric plane or whatever the fuck?”
“It’s my job.”
“Right…. It’s your job…”
“Yep, I’m a demon.”
“Huh… interesting line of work”
“Yeah, I mean, it can be, the hours are pretty chaotic, and my boss is a real cunt, but ya know I get up every day and I push on best I can. Could be worse of course, could be floating around all day in the Lake of Souls or the pit of the damned, so I try to keep a positive attitude.”
“Right….”
“Anyway….. not to rush you here, but do you think maybe you could get on with it? I was just minding my business having a nice nap, when next thing I knew I was hurdled through all of time and space to this location to help you along with the whole process of turning over your soul to eternal damnation and quite frankly I’m tired.”
“Get on with it?”
“Yeah, get on with the whole killing yourself thing.”
“Well, I mean, I was going to but you sort of interrupted that process and now I’m slightly more interested in the fact that there’s some disembodied voice in my kitchen calling himself a demon and speaking with a cockney accent.”
“Now don’t get cheeky, I really need to meet my quota this month. I’m tired of being ridiculed day in and day out because Bill talked 3 teenage girls into a suicide pact and Clyde convinced an 8 year old named Damien to kill his twin sister…blah blah blah” Gary whined.
“For crying out loud, fucking over achievers, how hard is it to talk an 8 year old into wanting all the attention? At least I’m willing to accept a challenge.”
And with that I burst into a fit of hysterical, uncontrollable laughter. Tears suddenly streaming down my face. Not even sure what I found so funny, but unable to stop even when I ran completely out of air.
“Stop that. What’s so funny?” The demon asked, clearly annoyed.
“This, all of this.. it’s just.. it’s just so ridiculous. Gotta hand it to that human survival instinct, I was so ready to end it this time, so ready… I guess my subconscious figured its last ditch effort to keep me alive was to manufacture the hallucination of some demon who’s total shit at his job, just to confuse me long enough to keep me from going through with it. The brain really is fascinating. I should have studied psychology.”
“Whoaa whoa whoa hey, kinda harsh. Maybe I’m not bad at my job, you’re just shite at killing yourself.”
This made me laugh even harder.
“And screw you for suggesting your tiny little human brain would be able to manufacture someone as complex and clever as myself.”
More laughter.
“I’m glad you’re finding this all so amusing, but seriously miss, I have a quota to make, and if I lose another bet to Bill and Ted at the office, they will never let me live it down. I’ll be demoted to shit shoveler in no time. Just shoveling shit into the pit of souls day in, day out. While everyone laughs at poor little Gary for being mediocre in life and mediocre in death, as they just love to remind me.”
“Well that’s not very nice,” I said mockingly through my laughter.
“Yeah go on then, make fun of poor stupid ol good for nothing Gary, like everyone else.”
“Oh geeze, sorry Gary. I’m Anna by the way, and I’m pretty sure you called me a good for nothing cunt, who should do the world a favor but I guess we’ll just let that slide.”
“Actually, I think I called you a pathetic bitch, but I told you already, I’m just doing my job!” Gary said, becoming increasingly frustrated.
“Yeah, well definitely not well, I think I’d have to agree with Bill and Ted on this one. You may want to put in your two weeks’ notice… wait a minute, are there really two demons in hell taking bets on your failure whose names are fucking Bill and Ted?” I asked him.
“There is.”
I immediately burst out laughing again.
“It’s not funny, they make my life a living a hell, well even more so than it already is. No one ever sees my potential, I’m always the butt of some half-witted joke. You were supposed to be my big win.. You were Ted’s one big fuck up, and I was going to be the one to get you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Remember when you were like 16 and you started doing a tit load of drugs because you were all pissed off at life like a bratty little teenager?”
“Yeah…”
“Right, well that was Ted’s influence. He saw you were depressed and in a pretty weakened state emotionally so he started popping up in your dreams to chase you around so you wouldn’t get any proper sleep. Anyway, he just figured the insomnia would drive you mad, he didn’t even bank on you turning to hard drugs just to get some rest. He was quite proud of that one, thought he had your soul in the bag, so he got complacent, started working on another case, and by the time he got back to check on your status you had somehow managed to clean up your act. Fucker actually got demoted from office manager for that one. It was hilarious. So anyway, thought it would be my big moment if I managed to be the one to take you down. For someone so friggin pitiful, you have a surprisingly resilient soul, unfortunately for me.”
“Or you’re just shit at your job man.”
“Well thanks a lot. Believe me, if I could take another job I would. This is the best it gets for a demon in hell, it is still hell after all.”
“Sounds more interesting than my job.”
“I mean, yeah probably is…..So…. Yeah, I mean this has been an alright little chat and all but can you please just get on with it.” The demon pleaded with Anna. “I would really just like to get back to my nap.”
“I mean sorry dude, it was kinda on a whim, an impulsive decision, I’m not really in the mood to kill myself anymore.”
“Dammit.”
“Honestly, I haven’t laughed that hard in years. If anything, you prevented my suicide. If the whole demon thing doesn’t work out for you, you should really consider a job in counseling.”
“Ohhh you’re hilarious. Well shit, now what? I can’t go back to hell like this. Can’t face stupid Bill and Ted, not to mention I have a performance review with the big guy at the end of this month, that’s going to be rough.” Gary said somberly.
“Sorry Gary… maybe if you stick around for a bit I’ll eventually change my mind? I’ll be sure to give you all the credit when I get to hell.” I softened my tone, surprised at the realization that I seemed to actually be hurting this demon’s feelings.
“Well thanks Anna, I do appreciate it.”
“Sure thing buddy. If you want you can keep berating me for a while maybe if I have a constant voice in my ear reminding me I’m a worthless cow, it’ll speed up the process.”
“Yeah doubtful, not even an overqualified demon such as myself could talk more shit on you than you do already. You’re so mean to yourself what I could I possibly say to top it?”
“Fair point.”
“Hmmm let’s see.. you’re ugly? .. Stupid.. nobody loves you and you’re kinda short I guess?”
“Yeah sorry Gary, that’s not gonna cut it, probably should have left me alone, I was already doing a pretty good job of talking myself into an early grave before you came along.. so no offense, but considering you really do make a terrible demon, I have to ask… how exactly did you become one? Are demons just born that way, was it some weird voodoo curse or some shit?”
“Nice of you to ask Anna, no one’s really ever asked me before how I got into this line of work. It began a long time ago, when I was a boy… I used to be human once too believe it or not.. you certainly wouldn’t know by my appearance but no, we’re not born this way, at least I wasn’t.”
“Can I see what you look like?”
“It’s pretty bad… you’re not gonna like it.. I’m ugly as sin…literally.”
“Ohh go on Gary don’t be shy…”
“Okay, look in the mirror, I should be able to appear to you there.”
I walked over to the mirror and watched intently as a figure appeared behind me.. at first just a black silhouette, it slowly began to take form.. Gary was not exaggerating. I gasped in horror at the sight of it. A hideous, terrifying creature, the embodiment of evil. It’s mouth full of broken and jagged teeth, its eyes pitch black and bulging, skin peeling from it’s face revealing a gruesome black oozing decay underneath where blood should have been.
“Holy shit Gary you are pretty scary looking my dude…”
“I know, I know.. it’s gross..”
“No no.. it’s really not that bad.”
“I was handsome once .. kind of.. whatever. So anyway, I was going to tell you the story of how I became a demon.. “
“Right yeah I’m actually pretty curious about that.”
“Alright, well yeah so I was a boy… living in a small town in Norfolk, my Dad was an asshole.. my mom was alright. I had a decent childhood for the most part, all except for the ruddy turd of a neighbor I was unfortunate enough to live next to. He was called Tom, and for whatever reason he got quite a laugh out making my life absolutely miserable.”
“Why?”
“No idea honestly. Never did a single thing to wrong that kid. Guess he was just one of those assholes who got off on picking on people. Always trying to one up, make himself feel superior. He had quite the complex that Tom. Anyway, whenever I’d be playing in the yard, trying to mind my business, enjoying myself, Tom would come over and make some sort of challenge out of whatever I was doing. Telling me I was shite and he could do it better. He would challenge me to a race, push me to the ground midway through and still brag in the most obnoxious way about how he’d won. That sort of push your buttons hard kind of bullshit. I know it was just stupid kid shit, but I was a kid too and it really started to get to me. I hated him, I really did.
I honestly wish I hadn’t even allowed him to take up so much space in my head. But that fucker really got under my skin, ya know?”
“Yes, I do know.. Some people just seem to think the smaller they can make you feel the bigger and better it makes them.” I told him.
“Yep, that was Tom. Always belittling me, as if that somehow made him the better man. It was bad.. but I could deal with it. Until Sarah moved in to the small farmhouse down the way… Sarah… from the moment I saw her, I loved her. She was beautiful. Blonde hair, blue eyes.. perfect. And she was kind too. Very kind to me. We became friends instantly. We would take long walks together, we would talk and laugh for hours. I loved her more than anything. I was planning on asking her to marry me..”
“Aww she sounds cool.”
“She really was… until Tom came along.. dug his grubby little hooks into her. He made up a bunch of awful lies about me, to try to scare her off. Said I used to kill the old barn cats for sport, that I was cruel to other kids when we were young. Might as well have been describing himself when he talked about me. I don’t understand why she believed him. She knew me. But he was a cunning fucker… wormed his way into her ear and implanted himself in her head. She stopped talking to me.. and not long after, they were married.”
“Ohh shit, Gary… that’s awful. I’m sorry man”
“The worst part was, he didn’t even love her. He didn’t care about her at all. He only did it, to hurt me. I will never understand that. How someone can be so cruel, they will go to such great lengths just to hurt someone else.. just to come out on top. He would parade her around, always trying to make me jealous. Rumors started around town, about how he would hurt her, how he spoke to her in public, he treated her terribly.. but she stayed out of duty to the vow she had made. Because that’s the kind of person she was..
Anyway, I tried to block it out. I was saving money to move as far away from that awful little town.. away from Sarah and away from Tom. I loved to fish, so to make some extra money, I would go out to the local pond in my little canoe, and sit out there in the peaceful stillness, catch a few fish, and sell them to market. It was nice. I enjoyed the solitude, I would drift out onto the pond in my own little world, away from anyone who could disturb me.
So of course, Tom hated that. He hated that I had found something that I enjoyed. That I was good at. Better than him and he knew it. So one day, he came to me.. with a bet. He offered me more money than I made in a week, if I could catch a larger fish than he could. I tried to refuse, I did not want Tom spoiling my happy little world on the pond. But I needed the money and I knew I would win. I wanted to take his money and use it to make my grand exit. So I accepted.”
“Ohh boy…”
“Yep. The next day we went out in my canoe. I tried to block him out, as he taunted me.. the sound of his voice alone was enough to make my blood boil. ‘Shut up Tom!’ I repeated to him over and over. But the more frustrated I became the more he prodded, reveling in knowing he was getting under my skin. But he hadn’t caught a single fish. I had caught about five already. I turned the tables, I began to laugh, and reminded him that for all his shit talking, it seems we had found something I could do better… something he couldn’t cheat at to win like he did when we were kids. I could see he was getting angry, and this fueled a sick sense of pleasure deep inside me.
In that moment I finally understood how Tom felt, all the time. That was the only sense of pleasure he knew how to derive from life. And in that brief moment of empathy, I actually pitied him. Glad that I could find peace in my heart and joy from something as simple as fishing, while all he felt was rage and a need to hurt other people to make himself feel better… but like I said, the moment was brief.
And then there was a bite and a sharp tug on my line. I could tell it was as big one. It took me at least ten minutes to reel it in, it nearly tipped the boat as it tried to swim down to the safety of deeper water. But when I finally pulled it up, it was beautiful. A massive, fish, larger than any I had ever caught in that pond. I laughed and of course, rubbed it in Tom’s face that it was time to go home, that there was no way he could catch a larger one than that. I carefully removed the hook, getting ready to toss it back into the pond.”
‘Aren’t you going to sell it to market, Gary?’ Tom asked.
‘No way, sure I could make some decent money off a fish this size.. but this beauty deserves to be free. This big guy has been in this pond a while to get this size, and no one has managed to catch him until now. I would let him continue breeding, so there will be more like him in the future, for someone like me to enjoy… because unlike you Tom, some of us are able to enjoy things like fishing, like the compassion of a good woman, like the warmth of the sun.. some of us can feel joy without needing to cheat and steal it from others.’
Searing pain… blackness.. it took me a moment to realize what had happened. Tom had punched me square in the nose. Blood was shooting out of my face, staining the sides of the boat. And before I could get myself together, I watched helplessly as he bashed the life out of my beautiful catch with a half empty bottle, laughing as he beat in the skull of that poor bastard beyond recognition.
And I just snapped. Years of this torment, countless hours of mental energy wasted on my hatred of this sorry fuck and I finally snapped. I shoved him, as hard as I could.. and right over the side he went. The boat rocked violently but somehow managed to stay upright as I watched him flail and panic to keep his head above the water.
‘Help, I can’t fucking swim Gary, help!’
I reached over the side of the boat and grabbed his hand.. ‘look at that, another thing I’m better at, swimming’ I couldn’t help but point out with a laugh.
‘Fuck you, you stupid loser!’ He shouted at me while sucking in water between breaths.
‘That stupid bitch Sarah, she would have married you, you know. I made her hate you, I told her every lie I could think of to make sure she chose me over you, and you were too big of a fucking coward to man up and try to win her back, you just laid down to die like the worthless waste of a man you are!’
Even knowing that he would drown and that I was the only one there to save his life.. he still couldn’t help himself. He still couldn’t keep his mouth shut. He still felt the need to berate me while swallowing more and more pond water with every word he spoke.
So I let go. I let go of his hand, and I grabbed my oar, and I paddled away. His panicked screams, full of rage and hate…slowly fading behind me. I rowed away with a smile on my face and never looked back. I had never known what true contentment felt like until Tom was gone. Like a weight lifted off me, I finally truly understood peace. But about a week later, I was trampled to death by a stampede of horses that were accidentally sprung from the corral of the neighboring farm. Figures right?
Anyway, I woke up in hell with this mess of a face… damned for an eternity, doomed to live out my biggest sin over and over. To exist in a state of constant rage, taking it out on all those tortured souls, misdirecting my own misery onto them.. damned to be.. well Tom basically. God definitely has a pretty fucked sense of humor. Meanwhile, stuck at the office with a whole bunch of other assholes just like Tom, just like me. Worst part being, I can’t find Tom. It’s been like a hundred years at least, and I can’t fucking find him down there. I swear to God, if that asshole made it to heaven —”
“Gary… wow… I am so sorry. That really does not seem fair at all. Maybe he’s down in the pit? Maybe you just can’t see him? Maybe you’ll even be shoveling shit on his face for the next hundred years?”
“I sure do like to hope so Anna. That’s about all I have left to hope for if I’m being honest with myself. Most likely, I’ll just be damned to an eternal lubeless arse-fucking after my complete and utter failure with you.”
“Oh man, I really am sorry.. I wish there was something I could do to help.. but like you’re really not selling the whole hell thing.. I’d kind of rather live out my shitty life at this point, in the hopes that maybe I’ll end up somewhere else.”
“That’s fair.. you’ve probably tortured yourself enough anyway, hell would just be redundant for you at this point. A bore really.”
“Guess that’s true…”
“But thanks for listening, it’s been nice to have someone to talk to.”
“Yeah man.. it’s been nice talking to you too Gary, thanks for helping me not kill myself.. but again.. sorry about that.”
“That’s alright.. any other questions you want to ask an old demon before I head on back to face the music?”
“Yeah actually, if there is a hell, that means there’s a heaven right? What exactly do I need to do to get there? Can you give me like a list of requirements or something?”
“Well, as far as I know.. it works something like this.. really good people, like I mean reallllyy good.. the ones who somehow manage to avoid giving in to shoving people off canoes no matter how much they suck, and who live in service to others, they go to heaven. The average joes like yourself who don’t really do much of anything noteworthy, no offense of course.. are reincarnated to try it again, and the rest of us end up in hell, in some form or another, I guess depending on what it is you doomed your own soul to deserve, an eternity of. Self loathing in a sea of other helpless creatures selfishly dragging each other under while trying to pull themselves out of the pit, or a demon stuck listening to creeps like Bill and Ted all day.. shit like that.”
“Hmmm… guess my best chance is reincarnation then, pretty sure I’m not getting into heaven..”
“Yeah no, you’re definitely not.”
“Well thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“Sorry… anyway, I guess I better be getting back.. could you do me a quick favor?”
“Sure Gary what is it?”
“If a demon named Ted comes around, just don’t kill yourself for him okay? I’ll never hear the fucking end of it.”
“Fair deal buddy.”
“Thanks, oh and one more thing?.. If you could just draw a symbol in your blood on the door, it would help me out a lot… it’s like a three mile hike up a jagged ass mountain if you don’t teleport directly into headquarters. Hell’s really just a pain in the ass at every turn.”
I picked the knife back up and made a small incision in the flesh of my forearm. With Gary’s instruction, I drew the symbol on my front door.
“Okay, now you just put your palm to it and repeat this phrase —”
“Wait a minute… no offense Gary but you are a demon, how do I know this wasn’t all some elaborate trick to gain my trust, and get me to draw this weird symbol thing to open some portal to hell and start the apocalypse or something?”
“Damn…. why didn’t I think of that?? That would have been a great idea! I really am bad at my job. You know Anna, you’d make a pretty good demon.. perhaps we will meet again someday.”
“Umm well thanks Gary, no offense but I really hope not…”
“Okay, well… bye I guess…”
“Later Gary” I put my hand on the door and listened to the words Gary told me to repeat.
I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could I was blinded by the most brilliant light I had ever seen. My entire apartment bathed in this light, I could see nothing else. I was forced to shield my eyes, they felt like they would burn right out of my skull. After a few seconds I opened my eyes slowly, squinting to see the light had dimmed but was still quite profound. And in the center of the pearly gold iridescence was a man… A beautiful man, with long brown hair, long white robes and a pair of seriously old sandals.
“Holy shi— I mean Jesus Chri—I mean… wait… JESUS???”
“Well hi there friends!” Spoke the most soothingly wonderful voice I had ever heard. The words sounded like a song, like the kind of song that would bring a grown man to tears, but also slightly resembled the voice of Ned Flanders.
“Umm hi….” I stumbled over my words.. “Are you.. are you like.. Jesus?”
“The one and only” Spoke the voice.. well no not exactly, depending on your religion.. there’s a Korean Jesus, a black Jesus, the list goes on.. basically we’re just a group of hippies who tried to be nice to people and got totally wrecked for it.”
“Whoaaa … that’s a lot… umm why are you in my living room?”
“Well I was just hanging with some friends, sharing a peace pipe with some forest critters in heaven, when a little birdy told me there was a demon on earth, trying to talk to you into killing yourself… not cool Gary….”
“Well, wait Jesus… he didn’t .. he actually saved my life ironically enough.”
“Yeah, that’s what the bird said, you’re pretty shit at your job huh Gary?”
Gary began to cry… “I .. I’m so sorry… I truly am.. please.. Jesus have mercy, please forgive me?”
“Well buddy, that’s my job, and I happen to actually be good at it. It’s you who needs to forgive yourself. Same goes for you Anna.. you guys realize you’ve been bigger dicks to yourselves than anyone else ever has right?”
The room was silent. Neither myself nor Gary could find the words. We were awestruck, consumed in the glory that filled the room.. We fell to our knees and cried our desperate apologies to the Godly figure that stood above us.
“Ohh now, take it easy guys, it’s all good… as far as humans and demons go, you guys are pretty alright.”
The man knelt down and put a hand on both of our shoulders. A feeling of true peace, of calm, warmth washed over me. I sobbed as my entire being was engulfed in a love that forced out all the pain and fear that had shacked me for so long to this miserable state of being. I felt true freedom. I finally understood .. well everything. I understood the meaning of life, of love, of being. I understood the true value of myself, and of everyone else, through the eyes of this Godly man. This embodiment of truth, of unconditional love for all things.. who also happened to be just a truly good dude who smoked peace pipes with chipmunks and wore old sandals.
Even the guilt and shame I would have otherwise felt in the face of this purity was gone. Replaced with forgiveness… as for the first time I truly forgave myself, I forgave myself for all the pain and suffering I had caused.. well.. myself.
And then I woke up… to the blaring sound of my alarm. 6:00 a.m.
“It was all a dream? No.. how? How could that have all been a dream it was so real!.” I said my thoughts aloud, almost believing Gary could hear me.
I began to sob.. angry at my own mind for allowing me to feel such peace if it wasn’t real to begin with. But as I got up I saw the dried blood on my hand, and a strange symbol on the door.
I looked out my window, and saw a little bird come to greet me on my windowsill. It sang its sweet song as if directly to me. I smiled at the little Jesus bird, the first real smile I had felt on my face in a long time.
I decided in that moment that I would make it real. That I would live the rest of my life, in appreciation of all the glory and wonderous joys of this world. Knowing that good, or bad, all things in life are just experiences to be had. That even in times of sadness, I would rather be sad than be numb. And in times of frustration, I would seek out the things that brought my joy and peace. I vowed to be kind to others, and kind to myself.
And I kept that promise. I decided to live the fullest life that I possibly could. I met a man and was married. I had three children whom I loved unconditionally. I had found a deep happiness inside myself, that couldn’t be broken even in the face of hard times.
For years I volunteered at the local animal shelter. I had found the true sense of joy that comes form living in service to others, broken free from the cage of solitude I spent the start of my life in. I was truly fulfilled.
But once in a while I would think of Gary. I would look into the mirror and say his name. Waiting for his ugly ass face to appear, but he never did. I wondered what became of Gary.. if he was shoveling shit.. or if perhaps he had been promoted since then, maybe given some bat wings and the freedom to fly around, instead of having to climb jagged mountains over lakes of fire and the like. I hoped so. I wishedI could thank the demon who had saved my life.
I was deep in thought about Gary when a call came into the animal shelter, the blind owner of a 10 year old service dog had passed away, and his family was bringing him in. I knew it was not likely they would find a new home for an old dog, I tried not to be angry at the family of the man, who refused to care for the dog of their lost loved one, in its golden years. I chose a pen for him, and placed a warm blanket and some toys and treats around the cage, trying to make it as comfortable as possible. I would make sure he felt safe and cared for, loved.
The dog was brought in soon after. A beautiful black lab, with bright inquisitive eyes. According to the family he had been a wonderful service dog. Incredibly intelligent, a true friend to its owner, and the only reason the man was able to live out his life safe at home, instead of in some awful facility.
I bit my tongue and kept myself from the “well then why don’t you have a heart and take him home with you, he’s probably even more devastated than you are about the death of his owner…” comment that I was dying to make. I just smiled and kept quiet.
I took the dog out back, allowing him some time to play in the sun before being put in his pen. He ran around for a moment, releasing excess energy. And then ran right to me. I scratched behind his ears as he looked up at me, with the look of love that dogs are so good for.. and what I believed truly looked like a contented smile on his face.
It felt like the greeting of an old friend. I wasn’t quite sure why, but it felt as if I knew him. I had the strongest sense of déjà vu I had ever experienced. His eyes looked to mine, and I felt as if this old black lab was thinking the same thing. I knelt down to continue petting him.. and noticed the tag on his collar.
His name was Gary.
“Don’t worry Gary,” I said softly. “All dogs go to heaven.”